When rehearsal had been called for the day, I quickly made an announcement through my headpiece.

 

"This is Chief of Staff, Han Heeyung. Before you all go home for the day, I would like to see Henry Lau, Zhou Mi, Amber Liu, and Victoria Song, please. I'll be waiting for you in seating section 3-C."

 

I sat down in the section I had declared, looking down at the stage crew packing up for the day. This seat had a lot of memories for me. This specific one. It was sad, almost, how clearly I remembered where I was sitting the last time I had been in the Olympic Gymnastics Arena. The sapphire blue light sticks waving, the screams, the off-key singing... The memory of it was clearer now than it ever had been. Super Show 3.

 

The concert had taken place in the same time period in which I'd been dating Kyubong. I'd asked him if he'd wanted to come along, but he'd declined. Looking back on it, I really shouldn't have been surprised. But, then again, it's impossible to say how many things I wouldn't have done back then, if I'd known what I now knew.

 

I sighed, looking again at the now-completed stage. I knew what was coming, what I'd brought down upon myself. I was utterly disgusted with myself. All of the confidence I'd had in my ability to manage the boys, and I couldn't even handle treating a few foreign people with basic human decency? What a wretched piece of trash I was.

 

I doubted an apology would make up for the way I had acted, but for the moment, it was the only thing I could do. For the moment, it was acceptable if they hated me. As long as they were able to smoothly continue the concert, it was fine if they hated me. It wasn't as if I hadn't endured plenty of negative opinions about myself. What difference did a bit of hatred make, when I already hated myself?

 

"I'm here, Heeyung-shi," Zhou Mi said nervously, walking up the steps toward me. He was so tall. Way too big and sunshine-y to be looking at me with as much fear as he was at that moment. He was all fidgety, wringing his hands and unable to look me in the eye.

 

Revolting.

 

"Calm down, Zhou Mi," I snapped with a degree of irritation. Not at him, not really, but at myself. He was merely the reminder of my annoyance with myself. Why was he scared? I should be the one scared. After the things I'd said, he should be furious at me. Not frightened. But instead he looked like a kicked puppy. And I was the one who'd kicked him.

 

I took a deep breath, focusing on softening my voice. "I'm not going to yell at you. You really haven't done anything wrong."

 

He leaned against the railing, waiting for the rest of the people I had called to arrive. It didn't seem like my words had had any effect whatsoever— he was still fidgety.

 

Next to arrive were Victoria, and then Henry. For their part, though, they looked much more of what I expected. With Victoria it was more bitter annoyance, and with Henry it was barely-contained frustration. Such different reactions to the exact same words.

 

"Where is Amber?" I asked, standing up.

 

"She left already," Victoria answered, her voice sounding clipped.

 

I sighed. "I'll have to talk to her later, then."

 

To be honest, I wasn't surprised. Of all four of them, Amber had been the one with the most obvious expression of fury. The way she'd looked when I'd said all of those awful things, it had seemed like she was going to set me on fire just by looking at me.

 

I looked up again, carefully analyzing all of their faces. Henry, Zhou Mi, Victoria... not one of them was saying anything. You might say that they were waiting for me to speak because I was the one who'd called them up, but there was more to it. They were full of barely-restrained anger, but that's just it. It was restrained.

 

It's strange, realizing that you hold a great deal of power over the fates of other people. If I wanted to, I could end the careers of all four of them. All it took was a few words to the Artist Manager. That cold, harsh woman would crush them without blinking an eye. And, as the Chief of Staff, I had the ability to make it happen.

 

That was why Zhou Mi was fidgety, and why Henry and Victoria were both doing their best to suppress their anger towards me. I suspected it was also a large proportion of the reason that Amber had decided not to appear at all. She was already furious with me. If she had come, she may have only risked her career even more. She hadn't left in order to make me angry. In fact, it had been for just the opposite reason.

 

"You don't... have to hold back," I finally managed to say. "I know you're angry. You have every right to be."

 

Their silence was driving me insane. I deserved all of the nasty words they could say in any arrange of languages, and yet they refused to utter a single one of them.

 

I grit my teeth, gripping the corner of the chair tightly. "If you want to yell, then do it. If you want to scream, then scream. At least with me, I can promise it won't impact your careers. I'm not... I'm not the Artist Manager. And I never want to be like her. This company is a disease, and I became one of its symptoms. For that, I apologize. I apologize over and over again, for as many times as it may take."

 

I bowed, once, twice, three times, and, on the fourth, kept my head low, looking at the ground as I continued.

"You've all dealt with so much frustration since entering this country, on the part of people who have told you the same kinds of things that I did earlier. So many disappointments, so much hatred. And yet... you haven't been able to say anything, to do anything about it. So... say it to me."

 

I straightened up, looking them each in the eye. "As my way of apologizing. All of that anger, frustration, disappointment, bitterness, and sorrow— take it all out on me. No repercussions. No punishments." I opened my arms wide, emphasizing my words. "Do your worst."

 

Again there was that silence. I looked at them. They looked at me. I continued to hold my arms out, giving them a show of my vulnerability. Zhou Mi looked like he was going to have a heart attack. Henry's eyes looked like they were going to pop out of their sockets. But still no one said anything. Still, none of them moved.

 

Finally, Victoria stepped forward, her hair hanging in her face, covering her eyes. Not that I really needed to see her expression, since her actions said it all.

 

She stepped forward, paused, and then slapped me in the face.

 

Victoria is not a weak woman, I am telling you that right now. As a martial arts student, I have been hit in the face more times than I'd care to keep track of. I doubt this slap had any of the destructive force behind most of those punches, but it didn't need to. You don't slap someone to hurt them, not really. It's a way of communicating a wide variety of emotions in a single moment, when you would be completely unable to do so otherwise.

 

And in that sense, it hurt. It hurt a lot.

 

While the sound of the slap resounded through the arena, I put a hand to my cheek, feeling the sting.

 

Then I nodded to Victoria. "Thank you."

 

She clenched her fist. "I don't forgive you, even if you do something like this."

 

"I know." I looked past her, at Henry and Zhou Mi. "You're welcome to hit me, too, if you'd like."

 

They both took a step back. "Um, no... that's okay... I couldn't ever... hit... a girl..." Henry stammered.

 

I rolled my eyes. "It doesn't matter if I'm a woman, man, or otherwise. But if you're not going to do it, then we might as well go get jjajjangmyeon."

 

Zhou Mi unfroze. "Jjajjangmyeon?"

 

"I promised Leeteuk-shi that I would. I don't have that much money, so I'll only treat the four of you. Well, the three of you, since Amber isn't here. You don't have to come if you don't want to."

 

They shook their heads, quickly following after me.

 

I wasn't sure if the boys were more frightened of me, or of Victoria Song, after that.

 

~

 

I kicked my shoes off in the doorway of my apartment and immediately walked over to flop onto my couch.

I was exhausted, both physically and mentally. I was plenty exhausted from running back and forth for several hours during the dress rehearsal, but then on top of that, jjajjangmyeon with Henry, Zhou Mi, and Victoria had been the most awkward meal ever. Hardly anyone had said anything, and even when they did, it was often only to each other, and even then only about the rehearsal earlier that day.

 

I covered my eyes with the back of my arm, groaning. I was this tired, and we still had the actual concert to do, for the next two days.

 

How the members of Super Junior could manage it, I had no idea. On top of their regular promotions for "Mr. Simple" and "A-CHA", and then regular schedules like radio shows SuKiRa and SimSimTaPa, they have a massive project as energy-consuming as Super Show?

 

I didn't know how the boys could even stay standing, let alone continue to perform. I was this tired, and I wasn't singing or doing demanding choreography.

 

They always said in interviews and variety shows that the cheers of the fans gave them energy, but I had seen enough over the past few months to know that the things they said on television weren't always true.

 

Then again, I'd also seen them perform before. I'd seen them at their best, and at their worst. And even when they'd gotten an average of three hours of sleep before a performance, they always looked a little bit healthier when there was a lot of ELF making noise in the audience. So maybe that particular statement wasn't an exaggeration after all.

 

Still, I'd better get some sleep before the concert the next day. It wouldn't start until night time, so there was plenty of time beforehand, but for me, that still didn't mean free time. Technically the boys had most the time before the concert off, but I knew they weren't going to use it. They never did.

 

It's going to be a long day tomorrow, I thought as I dragged myself to my bedroom, pulling off my clothes as I walked, too tired to change into pajamas, instead just flopping onto my bed in my underwear.

 

I hoped we were all ready.

 

~

 

Before the concert there were events I needed to attend, lighting cues I needed to finalize, costume details to triple-check, and to reaffirm with all of the staff, be they technical, costumes, makeup, direction, hair, or security. Then I had to go back to the ticket office to make sure that everyone knew that tickets were completely sold out, and had been for quite some time. There would be absolutely no demanding a Super Show 4 ticket if you hadn't already purchased one. I didn't care who you were. If we stuffed any more people into that arena, people could actually get hurt.

 

By the time the sun started to go down, I could hardly go out the doors, they were so overwhelmed with eager fans. The concert wouldn't be for a good six hours yet, and yet there the ELF were, with their banners and light sticks and backpacks and balloons and sapphire blue clothing. I could hear their excited chatter from half a mile away, coming back from getting the stage crew some lunch, compliments of SM Entertainment.

 

I had to enter via the back doors, the crowd was getting so thick.

 

With every passing moment, I could feel my heart beating faster. It was happening soon. The project I had been working on for months, would finally be taking place. Here, in Seoul, and then Japan, then Taiwan...

 

"I'm so nervous, Sunbae!" Cheonhwa whispered as she met me on the stage. I didn't really know why I was standing on the stage. I'd never had any desire to stand in front of people and let them watch me. It wasn't like there was anyone there to tell me that I couldn't do so, but in some strange way, it felt like some secret place, like I had snuck into a place I didn't belong. Although whispering wasn't necessary, it felt appropriate.

 

I looked around at the blackness of the seats of the empty arena one last time, and then sighed and turned to whisper to CheonHwa, "Tell the lightboard to turn on the arena lights."

 

She nodded, and then strolled off, her hand to her earpiece.

 

"Are you nervous?" asked Siwon, strolling up to me with his hands in his pockets. Handsome and chic, as usual.

 

"You're early," I scolded, turning towards him. "And you should be getting ready."

 

"You didn't answer the question."

 

I sighed. "No... yes. Yes, I'm nervous. I don't have any right to be, I know, but..."

 

"What do you mean? Of course you have the right to be nervous."

 

"It's not like I'm performing or anything. Of the thousands of people gathering out there, not a single one of them is EVER going to see my face. Why should I be nervous?"

 

Siwon chuckled. "This is your show, just as much as it's ours." He walked up so that he was standing level with me, matching my gaze as it swept out over the empty chairs. "All of this was put together by you, Heeyung-shi. I don't think anyone has put as much work into this project as you did. You've always taken such good care of us... this concert is your baby. You want it to succeed. That's why you're nervous."

 

He half smiled at me, putting a hand on my shoulder. "But you don't have to worry. Your nit-picky nature has made sure that everything is perfect, down to the last detail. If anything goes wrong, it will be our faults. Okay? You should feel proud of yourself."

 

I scoffed, brushing his hand away. "Proud of myself, after the way I've treated Henry and Zhou Mi? I doubt it." I pursed my lips, looking away from him again. "And I might be proud of it. But I won't really know for certain until we get it over with, won't I?"

 

He shrugged, sticking his hands back in his pockets. "Maybe. I guess we'll find out."

 

"Yes yes. Now go get ready, Choi Siwon. The concert begins in a few hours. Are the rest of the boys here, too?"

 

"They're backstage, getting hair and makeup done."

 

"Why aren't you with them?"

 

"I wanted to talk to you."

 

I scowled at him again. "Honestly... of all of the important things you could be doing... All right, let's go. Hurry up!" I started pushing him towards the backstage area.

 

"Are you going to do my makeup, Heeyung-shi?!"

 

"No! Would you all stop asking me that?!"

 

~

 

Backstage was all of the hustle and bustle of the dress rehearsal, and then some. I had to remind myself repeatedly that everything was as perfect as it was going to be, and that everyone working on this knew exactly what they were doing.

I pushed Siwon through the stream of staff members going back and forth, and entered the green room, where the boys were already in the process of getting their hair and makeup done.

 

"Noona!" Eunhyuk remarked upon seeing me. "It's finally happening today!"

 

I nodded. "I'm well aware of that, thank you, Lee Hyukjae. Now, are you all absolutely sure that you know what you're doing?"

 

Leeteuk gave a thumbs-up, and the stylist working on his hair slapped his hand down, grumbling at him not to move.

"We're doing great, Heeyung-shi," he answered.

 

"Alright, well..." I began, looking down at my clipboard, "When the show starts, I'll be at backstage left. Yes, I mean stage left. From there, I'll be regulating everything that goes on. Additionally, all of the staff members have earpieces, just like you. If anything goes wrong, talk to any of the staff members, and they'll be able to get ahold of me immediately."

 

"So you'll be watching us, right?" Kyuhyun asked, standing up after the makeup artist gave him the okay.

 

"From the background. Yes. I have to make sure that you all do exactly as you're told, don't I?"

 

"They'll be fine," Heeyung-shi," one of the makeup artists commented. "And don't they look nice? We went with the style you recommended."

 

The boys all looked at me. "The style you recommended?" asked Donghae, a bit aghast.

 

I squirmed a bit, in place. "Uh... yeah. I though the style for the concert should more closely resemble what you had for your "A-CHA" music video... so I thought that they should use more natural tones, so you still get the sculpted look without making it seem too dramatic..."

 

They all stared at me for a while.

 

"What?! They asked me for a concept, and I gave them one! Stop looking at me like I'm crazy!" I was blushing a lot, and couldn't stand their stares. "A-anyway, Siwon, hurry up and get your hair and makeup done! And everyone else, hurry up and get in costume!"

 

I turned around quickly heading towards the doorway.

 

"Wait, Heeyung-shi, where are you going?!" Ryeowook called after me.

 

"I'm going to go tell the guards to open the doors and start letting people in!"

 

~

 

I stood back and watched the people stream in for a while, mostly girls younger than I was, with a few guys, parents, and older people mixed in.

 

I noticed, happily, that they didn't even see me, even though I was hardly four meters from the entrance. I was a piece of the background, a bit of scenery. I was invisible. After all, why should they care about a dull-looking Chief of Staff, when the promise of the sight of handsome men like the boys of Super Junior lay just behind the next couple sets of doors?

 

Unfortunately, I was noticed eventually.

 

"Han Heeyung-shi, you're perfectly on schedule, as usual," the Artist Manager purred, melting easily from the crowd.

 

I nodded to her. "Yes... everything seems to be going well. Although I'm a bit surprised to see you, Shiljjang."

 

She regarded me coolly, giving me her iconic icy smile. "I had some spare time. I decided I'd like to see the concert myself. It wouldn't do for the boys to misbehave at such a large venue."

 

I swallowed hard, making sure my emotionless mask was still in place, as it always was. "Yes, well... I'm sure they will all do their best, knowing that you're here." I looked at my watch, partially to actually make sure I was still on schedule, and partially because I wanted an excuse to look away from her steely gaze. "I have to check backstage now, Shiljjang. Please enjoy the show." I began to turn away, but she called after me.

 

"Oh, Heeyung-shi?"

 

"Yes?"

 

"When can I expect your next report?"

 

I turned around, clenching my fists behind my back. "I thought it would be most practical to get the results from the first performance before I concluded anything. I'll have it on your desk two days from now." I bowed again, then left.

 

~

 

When the concert began, it didn't begin quietly.

 

Long before the boys ever went onstage, the squeals and chants from the fans were drilling into my ears, and I found my heart beating in time with their cadence. The sounds of their voices crashed through every wall in the arena like a tidal wave, and I could feel their impatience thicken the air that I walked through.

 

Everything was perfect, I had to remind myself. It was perfect, and the boys knew what they were doing, and everything will be fine.

 

From my perch at Backstage Left, I saw all of the boys huddled together, praying for the success of the show. I wondered, briefly, if Heechul would have prayed with them, had he been there. I had never seen what went on behind the scenes of one of these large-scale concerts before. Despite his disdain of religion, I couldn't see him denying his fellow members his presence in the circle. Not even Kim Heechul could be that vindictive.

 

The lights went dark, and the ELF screamed even louder than before. While the opening VCR played, the boys all got in position. They walked past me, all looking straight ahead, except Yesung, who caught my gaze as he passed, before pausing and looking back at me. I gave him what I hoped was an encouraging smile, and motioned with my hand for him to hurry up and get into position.

 

I couldn't really see his expression in the dim light, but he looked happy. That was good. Maybe I was forgiven, at least a little, for my actions the previous day.

 

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you... nine Supermen."

 

"Superman" was a song that pulsed right through your bones, raising the anticipation level even more. It was an excellent choice to open the show. That had been the Director's decision, though. Not mine.

 

Nine Supermen. Only nine.

 

How sad.

 

~

 

Before I knew it, the show was sweeping me off my feet. The staff members were constantly going back and forth. There was always a buzz in my ear of people communicating through their earpieces, everybody already in motion to get ready for the next song.

 

For me, though, it felt like the whole concert was a tide swirling around me, while I remained still. Now that it was actually happening, there was really nothing for me to do but watch. My job was to set everything up and make sure everything fit together. Now that it was all in motion, I was practically useless.

 

So all I could really do was stand next to the Stage Director and watch the show from behind.

 

I watched as they sang the first few songs, then introduced themselves, not that they needed to. I doubted that there were hardly more than a handful of people in that arena that didn't know exactly who they were.

 

Most of the songs in the beginning of the concert were older, more familiar, fan-favorite songs, fueling the fans that much more. Especially when the boys and the girls of f(x) sang "Oops!" and we were able to see Heechul's... performance? They ate that right up. And "Wonder Boy" and "Rokuko", where the members of SuJu did what the members of SuJu do best. And that is... well, I'm not entirely sure what that is, but it's weird.

 

One of the concepts of Super Show 4, more closely resembling Super Show 2 than Super Show 3, was for each member to have his own solo, including Zhou Mi and Henry. Once they cranked through a lot of the group songs, they would break into the solo numbers, so each of the boys could show their individual talent.

 

They had all decided on their solos by themselves. They had come up with the concepts on their own. All the Stage Director had done was to enhance the details and give it more flair.

 

While Henry performed his "Solo" (more of a duet, since he had Amber join him), the boys took the opportunity to rush backstage again, getting their costumes changed (again), and getting their hair and makeup fixed.

 

"Yes, this is costumes. Eunhyuk has broken his belt. Can we get a replacement, please?" I heard in my ear. I watched another person from the costume department rush by me, and knew that they had the situation under control.

 

I had never denied that Henry was wonderfully talented. Piano, rap, singing, dancing... he was able to do it all. That kind of talent wasn't conditional. He was talented, and that was that. It didn't matter what country he or Amber was from.

 

Eunhyuk ran by me, getting back into his spot, since his performance was next. Before he got in place, though, he stopped by me. "Noona! Do I look okay?"

 

"You look fine, Hyukjae. Hurry up and get in place!"

 

"Handsome?"

 

"You always look handsome, Eunhyuk. Now go!"

 

"High five for luck?"

 

"You don't need luck," I grumbled over the sound of Henry's song, but I held my hand up anyway. He grinned and smacked it as hard as he could, running out onto stage just as the lights went dark.

 

There must have been some kind of agreement among the boys, because every single one of them asked me for a high five before they went out for their solos. Even Zhou Mi, although he was still jittery, and just polite. Still, I indulged him.

 

Such stupid boys.

 

"Make sure not to give the girl a heart attack!" I called out to Leeteuk before he headed out for his solo, in which he was planning on surprising his "wife", Kang Sora, in the audience. In return, he gave me a nervous smile, and I couldn't help but laugh.

 

A few songs between the solos, and then it was Zhou Mi's solo, and then Yesung was wandering out past me, with his usual dorky smile. "It's going great, Heeyung!"

 

I nodded. "Yes, it is. But that wasn't my doing. Ah-- hang on, your sweat is smearing your foundation..."

 

I grabbed a bag of makeup tissues from my bag and dabbed at his cheek. "There. You're a regular heartthrob now."

 

"You really think so?"

 

I pulled my hand away, realizing how close I'd been to his face. "Of course. When was the last time I said something I didn't mean?"

 

His smile got even brighter, and he quickly gave me the high-five, then ran out onstage without losing that goofy smile.

 

~

 

Siwon, then Donghae and Eunhyuk. And then the solos were done, and the songs intended to rip out the ELFs' hearts came next.

 

It wasn't like I'd never heard those songs before. Hell, I'd been there when they recorded them. "Storm" and "Y" at least. And, during those ones, I was fine.

 

But then, they were out in the audience, singing "You and I," talking about how much they loved the ELF, and how they never wanted to be apart.

 

Watching them, I couldn't help but smile. The concert was almost ever. We'd almost done it.

 

Listening to the ELF sing along, I felt like my heart was going to fall apart. Maybe that's what happens when you scrape a heart hollow, freeze it, and then fill it up like this, all the while letting it slowly thaw. It just can't hold together after that.

 

It was such a... happy song. Their voices sounded perfect. The ELF danced along, like they were told.

 

"The thought of us together, just looking at you makes me giggle! I'll always be by your side, the two of us," they sang, and I found myself blinking a lot. Idiots, all of them. Such idiots.

 

And then they were singing "Lovely Day", and I fell apart. The tears were falling too quickly, and I was happy that no one was looking at me, and no one would be able to hear me through the earpiece unless I engaged it. To anyone else, I'll tell you it was relief. But to be honest, it's because I felt so... proud. They sounded amazing. Yesung's ad libs on top of the rest of the group's harmony was just perfect.

 

And then, as if that wasn't enough, they had to sing an old favorite like "Our Love". And I heard the fanchants and squeezed my eyes shut, wondering how I could be crying so much when I was smiling like an idiot.

 

God, I missed this. I couldn't shove down that feeling anymore. I loved the ELF, I loved the Sapphire Blue Ocean, and for the past half year, I had been aching for it, no matter how much I tried to hate it.

 

I loved those stupid idiots, and it took a lot more than a breakup to change that. If anything, I loved them even more now than I ever had.

 

Leeteuk was probably crying, that big baby, I thought through my own barely-contained sobs.

 

But when they came backstage, there were a lot more of them than just Leeteuk wiping tears from their cheeks.

"Heeyung-shi... are you... are you crying?!" Siwon asked, running immediately over to me. Hearing that, the rest of them joined him.

 

I sniffled, shoving him away, trying and failing to hide my face. They were all hugging me, and I was was smiling and crying and sobbing all at once.

 

I shoved them all away again and shouted "shut up! Hurry up and get ready for the next segment, you idiots!"