A month passed as normal, nothing more than work and minimal social interaction. The city froze over, old buildings and shining skyscrapers covered in a film of ice and snow in crevices. The streets grew more empty as the winter dragged on, resembling the aftermath of a catastrophe, whether it be nuclear or biological or simply abandoned. Biological seemed the most reasonable, a pandemic already existed deep in the heart of urban society where many like myself take refuge, watching the rest of the world zoom by  in complete ignorance of death and tragedy and danger if just one infected person decided to act. No, it was safer indoors. With gray walls covered in old family photos and one mirror. One damn mirror. A mocking reflection of the reality of everything I keep hidden because that reality is far too unkind than the one I set up for myself.

Tao began appearing at my door step on a near daily basis. How he found my apartment is beyond me, but I would no doubt believe it only took a little flirting with the person at the desk, whoever it may be at any time of day, for him to get them to spill. He picked up quickly that I wasn’t open to telling my life story so easily just because he happened to be sick with the same disease as I, so he took to talking about himself, which he seemed to greatly enjoy. He spoke about growing up on the coast, having a deep rooted love for the ocean that rested in both admiration and fear. He opened up about his family, the limited presence of his parents that he adored and the filial bond he had with his grandmother that he feared for as years passed and she grew older, knowing at some point he’ll have to cut ties with everyone he knew if he had to keep his new life secret. He told more personal stories. His fears, his struggles, his unending questions about what this disease was. I couldn’t answer most of his questions despite how long I have had it, which seemed to disappoint him to a degree. Nevertheless, he never failed to enter and leave shining brighter than the sun in the cloudy winter months. Sometimes he would just sit at the window, watching the cars carefully drive by below, his sharp profile outlined by the soft glow of morning light outside. There was no doubt to how beautiful he was as a result of such unique facial features. There was something underneath the childish innocence as well that he often fell into when he grew silent. Something more thoughtful, more mature, and maybe even a little sad. I could never bring myself to shoo him away as much as I told myself I would. I didn’t want to be responsible for his future in some way, didn’t want to be involved and didn’t want to dwell on the increased thoughts and feelings I was getting for him bordering on romantic. I was getting to familiar with his shadow on the wall, with the way his body moved when he walked and with the small thoughtless habits he had. I came too familiar with his voice and how clear it would ring in my head when I was alone. And I especially hated how worried I would get on days he didn’t see me.

It has been more than a week, almost two, since he last returned. I have come to the conclusion that he was either caught or dead, intruding in on another’s feeding. A quick and easy way to get into a fight and for someone so young and clueless in this new life of his, an automatic signing on his death certificate. I was ready to drop any cares I had built up for him, just as I had for anyone else that had popped in and out of my life. It would be so easy to do and he was around for such a short period of time all that would be left was vague hazes of a memory in the future. Where he was almost a person, but in the end just a series of dust particles caught in just the right light to create figures. I reached over to unlock the door to my apartment when I noticed the door was not shut completely. A pin bent out of shape laid by the door. I had nothing inside that would directly expose me of my illness, but the thought of my sacred space, the one area where I did not have to fear being discovered being violated by some stranger who may still be inside stirred an old rage I preferred to keep bottled up. Losing my bearings would easily expose me, however, so after a few breaths I pushed the door open. The apartment remained dark except for the hall that led to the bathroom, the sound of running water faintly echoing throughout. I peeled of my jacket and threw it over the red couch, keeping as quiet as possible. I moved slowly into the hall, the bathroom door wide open and the shower running. Tao sat in the tub, water pelting down over his head and dripping over his face and neck in clear streams, finding the dips in his neck over muscle and collected in his collar bones before spilling out . His eyes were glued to the white wall, lost somewhere deep in thought. He seemed more closed off than usual, more cold, like he took the inner sunlight and from the mantle and stuck it in the water to cool it and mold it to the coldness of the moon. I leaned against the door frame, eyes locked on as he breathed slow and heavy.

"You are still clothed." he turned his head slowly, dark eyes unmoving until they slowly looked up at me. He appeared to have not slept in quite some time. The initial alarm I possessed faded and was replaced with concern of this sudden behavior. His eyes fell back to the dark tiled floor and he slowly slid down the porcelain until his shoulder blades hit it with a silent weight. I walked over and sat beside the tub, closest to his face. A blink, then sharp eyes locked into mine with little emotion edging over.

"Do you remember your first kill, Luhan?" I shifted my eyes to the wall beside him, biting down on my tongue and focusing on the sound of the water hitting the tub and his body. If there was anything I would much prefer avoiding in conversation, that is the one thing. "I remember mine."

"Is that so."

"Yeah. There was two of us. Post infection." he shifted his gaze to his legs and drew his knees up as much as he could without moving his position. "We didn’t know what we were supposed to do or anything about what happened, we just followed orders because they were scary and seemed to know what they were doing."

"Who are they?" a silly question. I felt pretty certain I already knew the answer.

"The other vampires." as suspected. "They were a lot of them, took up a whole block. They’re in this small town outside of here, you probably never saw it in news or whatever, nothing ever happens there. We were supposed to do everything this one guy said, big and kinda dangerous looking."he ran a finger back and forth over the bathtub’s edge.

"So you were already in a colony when you got sick. You were probably answering to the head of the colony." he didn’t bother to look up, but rather keep focusing on his finger.

"Sure, maybe. Well there was two of us. I never learned the other one’s name, but they were average in height. Nice. For some reason, and I still don’t quite know why, I hated them. I hated all the attention and praise the leader gave them. Why did they got all the love in the whole ing world, what did they do to deserve it more than me? So I decided I was sick of it. They were going to take a bath so I followed, not really anything new, I tend to do that to everyone." his finger stopped sliding over the tub. He curled his hand into a fist and held his arms against his stomach. Tao was starting to get irritable, shifting and looking for some new distraction. "They just wanted to rest. They had very pretty hair, very soft and shiny. I pet it and pet it and pet it forever until the seemed well enough at ease."

"Tao."

"I put my hands on their neck and pushed them under the water. They clawed and thrashed and hit. They tried to kick me and squirmed around, water just kept being thrown over the edge. I could still feel their nails just digging and scratching my neck and face. I can remember how hard they pulled at my hair."

"Tao, stop."

"It took so long. It took so ing long until they stopped, and even when they were done I held my position and just stared down at them. They seemed so peaceful. That was the worst part, I just got more angry that they died looking as pretty and peaceful as they did. Then I felt nothing. No remorse, no guilt. I felt empty. I left and felt bad later." he choked on his words, then shifted to drape his arms over the tub. He looked distraught, exhausted.

"Luhan, am I a bad person?" I didn’t know what to tell him. What he did was murder. It was an act evil in itself but scolding him on it would be hypocritical. There was a reason colonies never lasted long. Putting a community of monsters together does not make them get along because of a shared interest, it makes them worse.

"No. No, you are not a bad person. In a way, you are barely a person at all." Tao seemed to have accepted this answer, reaching out and pulling lightly at the collar of my shirt.

"I wanted to die. I became desperate for it. It was all I was able to think about and write about and talk about. I locked myself up in my friend’s guest house and covered the walls with plans and diagrams of all the different ways I would do it, too. Nothing seemed to equate in my head to what I deserved. No amount of blood leaking out from slashed wrists and throat and inner thigh would be enough. Poisoning myself seemed to childish in my head. The closest to an equivalent death out be to suffocate myself, hang from the ceiling and struggle to breathe like they did. And when I finally was gonna do it, I freaked. I was too ing scared." My chest hurt for him, for his confusion and conflicts. He was no better than I and yet in some ways too pure as a result of his lack of knowledge about the virus. The purity looked sweet on him, the nasty, evil streak absolutely gorgeous. The tips of his fingers brushed my collarbone and for a second I was worried he noticed the hitching of my breath and the sudden quickening of my pulse, but he was lost in his own thoughts and I silently cursed myself for letting him get this far into my life. I dared to look back at his face, eyes big and searching for comfort. Against my better judgement I reached up and took cold of his hand, warm and rough from the martial arts he had told me about. A smile stretched across his face, mocking the stars for their lack of light compared to what he was able to produce.

"Luhannie," I wasn’t sure if any sound came out of me or not, I felt my vocal chords vibrate but couldn’t hear over the blood rushing in my ears. "did I ever tell you how pretty you are?" I tried to exhale as smoothly as possible.

"Yes, Tao. You’re soaked." I needed a way out of this conversation. I didn’t want to encourage anything within him, not so much because I didn’t love him, it was apparent that I did. I didn’t want to encourage anything because of fear that I would falter in self control and he was clearly not in the best state of mind at the moment. I reached over him to turn off the water, not caring that the black sleeve of my shirt grew darker with the water. I got up as quickly as I could do prevent any more possible touches.

"Luhan-"

"Get out. Strip down, I’ll get you a towel. You can throw your clothes in the washer or dryer on the first floor - no, wait, I’ll do it. You would be nowhere decent to be seen." I turned as he lifted himself up and pulled a towel out of the cabinet by the door, throwing it over the hamper. I searched the apartment for where I put the little laundry basket, eventually finding it under the bed in my bedroom where it had always been. I was on a sensory overload, unable to catch my own bearings in the comfort of my home. I little knock on the bedroom door frame snapped me out of my thoughts of just how close I had let him get. I threw in some extra clothes into the basket before turning to him, contrasting beautifully with the deep red of the bedroom walls. The towel wrapped loosely around his hips, wet clothes held close to his chest. With as much self control as I could muster to not let my eyes wander I approached him with the basket held out so he could dump the clothes in. Once done, I slipped by him and quickly made my way out to the hall.

I made my way back to my door, leaving everything in the laundry room as I had never had a reason to doubt the honor of my neighbors. I opened the door and became immediately distracted by Tao’s silhouette against the pale light that streamed through the windows. He appeared like a statue, tall and lean and sharp. He was looking at the picture of my family, the frame seemingly delicate in his hands. He looked up at me and was quick to put the frame back in its place on the shelf of the bookcase. I became hyper aware of just how long I had been staring and shook out my distractions and the empty buzzing in my head. He strode over until he reached the arm of the couch, wringing his hands together.

"Luhan, I need to talk to you, like, pretty bad."

"Of course, anything you must discuss I am willing." I shut the door, the sound it’s expected silence. My heart caught in my throat as I approached him, a tower of turmoils and bad choices and the purest form of love and loyalty. Tao pressed a hand to his chest and swallowed, reaching both hands out and gently press against my jaw and  neck. My brain stopped working, stopped comprehending the events taking place. My body took over in action, hands bracing against broad shoulders until my right slid and hitched to the back of his neck.

He was slow, hesitant in his approach before pressing lips to mine, gentle at first, then growing deeper and more impassioned as seconds ticked by in a faint ring. I became malleable to his touches and delicate demands, allowing him easy access into my mouth, not bothering to fight against him for dominance over the kiss but rather letting myself be guided through it like a child learning their path home. He exhaled shakily, dragging his tongue over mine before pressing it to the roof of my mouth. He tasted of smoke and chocolate and blood, presumably an B-. His hands left their place on my face and found a spot on my sides, pushing me until my back hit the door. My heart was running a marathon, bursting with the sunlight he possessed in his smile and in his way of talking and in the natural joy he seeped from his pores. I felt airy and calm, all nerves built up slowly easing away as his mouth dragged from mine and trailed light kisses across my cheek along the muscle in my neck. His tongue trailed up back to my jaw as he pressed closer to me, hands crawling gently under my shirt and brushing against my sides and hips pressed to my body.

"This," I managed to choke out. "is very unique way of talking, Tao." he huffed out a laugh, voice ruff from his own increasing arousal.

"Can you promise me something? Promise me you won’t leave me behind, okay?" I draped an arm around his shoulders, bring my other hand up into his hair, pressing his face into my neck. His hands spread over my waist and pushed my hips forward for a slow drag against his. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to give in to the rush of pleasure that filled my body, my head, every little inch of my being. When I opened my eyes again, I was met with the reality of everything that was happening, of everything I was allowing myself to do despite the promises and demands that I would not. I turned my head until my mouth grazed the shell of Tao’s ear, never removing my eyes from the mirror ahead.

That godforsaken mirror.