Pitter-patter.

Yixing woke up into a daze, staring through the transparent glass of the window trying to decipher the situation he’s in.

 

Pitter-patter.

Yixing is more awake now; he rubs his eyes and blinks until his sight is clear.

 

Pitter-patter.

He tries to count the raindrops falling on his window, but they kept sliding down before he could count them all…

The raindrops fell one by one on his window pane, sliding down the thick transparent glass and onto the white wooden pane of the window of his home, making a pattern of sounds and a beautiful rhythm that Yixing enjoyed tapping his fingers to.

 

A certain kind of peace came over Yixing, but he wasn’t quite sure why. Maybe…maybe, it was because of all the good memories he was reminded of, but then again, maybe it was because he enjoyed the beautiful music that Nature made.

 

He watched as the raindrops played chase on his window. Continuously, the raindrops would slide off the end of it, falling into the flowerbed of his well-kept but sleepy garden.

The sun was high in the clear baby blue sky, shining down a dizzying light that made Yixing sleepy and disoriented, but in an unknowing way, also made Yixing feel somewhat content with the things he had…but not quite.

 

There were many, many things that Yixing wanted to paint, but…would there be enough time for it all?

Yixing wasn’t quite sure himself.

 

 

 

 

The bustling city of Seoul doesn’t calm Yixing as he takes long strides to his apartment; rather, it makes him more anxious. Much more anxious.

He has his music on and his earplugs in and he turns the volume of his music just a little louder to drown out the noise from the outside world but his attempt is futile.

Seoul was a city that never seemed to sleep, but then again he had always lived in the outskirts of China so he wouldn’t know if Beijing was like that as well, but he supposed it would be.

The vehicles were endlessly whizzing by, sometimes splashing at the side-walkers and enraging them, making them curse out loudly at the drives because winter was just around the corner and the water was so dirty and cold.

Yixing doesn’t like the winter, and it’s cold, it reminds him of memories he doesn’t want to recall.

He likes spring and autumn, when Nature is beautiful and he can capture its beauty, its serenity, and make music with the peace it brought upon him.

He thinks of all the things that have made him happy in life, and too occupied with his thoughts, he bumps into someone, dropping his art supplies, and most importantly, his sketchbook. He has no time to look up at the stranger because he can’t let others see what he has drawn; those are for his eyes only.

Unknowingly, the two reach out for the sketchbook at the same time, their fingers brushing against one another’s, making a certain sort of lighting zap through their fingers, rendering them motionless for a while as they gaze deeply into each other’s eyes for a bit too long. And it was from that little brush of fingers where it all began.

 

 

 

 

Yixing looks up and all he sees is dark, chocolate eyes. And those deep eyes were the ones he got lost in, and it’s as if all the sounds of the outside world are muted. And only they exist.

The man he bumped into was wearing a scarlet red scarf around his neck, something that now made Yixing’s eyes fall on. His eyes are caught on the man’s eye-catching scarf until-

“Hey, are you okay?” Asks the man with a melodious voice. Yixing can’t help but look up at the man, the man with deep, dark, chocolate eyes.

He continues to stare up at the young man because words don’t come easy to his mouth.

As if suddenly processing the man’s words, Yixing nods and attempts to get up. However, being a clumsy, dazed person, he trips himself.

And right before he falls, the man manages to pull his by the arm, preventing him from meeting face first with the ground.

The shocked Yixing looked to the man with wide eyes and mouth slightly agape, staring at the man’s delicate features. Fair porcelain skin, beautifully arched eyebrows, double-lidded eyes and rose pink lips- the man’s image is already imprinted in his mind; it’s a face he won’t forget easily.

As if he just realized he was staring, he turns away, trying to get out of the man’s arms, suddenly embarrassed by the situation he was in, although the passers-by were only too busy with their own lives to care.

He turns to collect his things and make his way back to his apartment but someone taps on his shoulder- it’s the man from earlier.

He is just about to inquire the man but before he can speak, the man answers his question. It’s as if he reads his mind. Yixing is shocked because he sees his sketchbook in the stranger’s hand. Ah, how careless he is, forgetting things again.

Accepting the sketchbook from the man with gratefulness, Yixing realises the book is open. He looks at the stranger with an arched brow, as if asking for his opinion, but the man just apologises and heads off elsewhere, and it is now Yixing’s turn to chase after the man.

But the man boards the bus to who knows where, and Yixing loses his chance.

 

 

 

For the next few days, all that occupies Yixing’s mind is that man’s delicate features, his fair porcelain skin, his deep, dark chocolate brown double-lidded eyes and those rose-pink lips of his.

 That man just can’t get out of his mind. But that man’s a stranger…strangers don’t occupy minds of others…or do they?

Those lips of his are so beautiful he just wants to-

Yixing’s train of thoughts halts as he feels a tap on his shoulder. Only then, does he realise he’s still in the park, drawing on his canvas, making small sketches to paint on later. And only then, does he realise; he’s sketched the stranger's image onto it. How weird, he thought.

As slowly as possible, he turns to look at the person who tapped on his shoulder, only to find the stranger again. And when he sees this stranger, words don’t come easily, and he doesn’t know why.

Perhaps. it's because the stranger's eyes are distracting, mesmorising and hypnotising. But perhaps, it's because the stranger looks so dazzling. It's as if he's shining...

And as if his mind was read, the stranger introduces himself to Yixing. But he cannot catch his words…he’s speaking too quickly…”P-pardon? Could you speak a little slower?” The polite Yixing asks, and the man repeats himself.

And in five minutes, they learn quite a lot about one another. Yixing learnt that Joonmyeon likes art and music as he does too, and that his family owns a rather big business, but when he asked, Joonmyeon refused to tell him about that.

Joonmyeon’s curiousity is killing him, but how is he supposed to ask Yixing why he drew him on his canvas? They hardly know one another, won’t it make everything awkward?

They exchange numbers and keep meeting up for coffee and a talk. Maybe Yixing enjoys it more than he should, but maybe it’s because he loves Joonmyeon’s company and he always felt a little lonely…

Yixing sits in their frequented café, picking a window seat and leaning his head against it as he held his warm black coffee with both hands, absorbing its warmth and sniffing up its delighting smell, waiting for Joonmyeon to come for their arranged meeting. He has thought about ordering Joonmyeon’s Americano for him beforehand, but he was afraid that it’d be cold by then, so he doesn’t.

15 minutes later when Joonmyeon arrives at the café, he’s drenched like a chicken that fell into soup and oh, is he going to get a scolding from Yixing. “Mr., what in the world of unicorns happened to you? I’ve told you before that you shouldn’t come if you couldn’t!” And poor soaked Joonmyeon has to sit on the chair in his wet clothes and listen to Yixing nagging. It wasn’t like this rain was avoidable anyway…it happened so suddenly.

Yixing apologises for his actions earlier, blaming it on his emotions and that they got the best of him. Half-weirded out by the odd man who uses ‘what in the world of unicorns’ when surprised, Joonmyeon allows Yixing to drag him to a run-down apartment, called Yixing’s apartment.

Joonmyeon’s going to have to get Yixing a new one; this just won’t do.

Yixing leads him into his apartment, it’s a little crowded and small, but it feels a little cozy to Joonmyeon. He might even like it, and he doesn’t even like cramped places.

Yixing literally pushes Joonmyeon into the bathroom and moments later, he comes with a set of clothes and shoves it into Joonmyeon’s hands, asking Joonmyeon to hurry.

Joonmyeon reacts quickly enough avoid the door that nearly slammed right into his face, and does he thank God for that. And because of this, Joonmyeon may or may not be terrified of Yixing by now…

But when he gets out of the bathroom, all that fills his nose is the wonderful aroma of food, and it leads him to the kitchen. He tries to scare Yixing but he didn’t even have a chance to because once his foot entered the kitchen, he had been shooed away by Yixing and told to blow-dry his hair.

 

 

 

When cherry blossoms bloom and flower pollen fills the air, Yixing and Joonmyeon are no longer just friends.

And it's a day that Yixing won’t forget…because spring has always fallen near his birthday and Joonmyeon asked for him to be his boyfriend. And although Yixing was still uncertain of his feelings for Joonmyeon, he accepted this new title gladly, although he wasn’t quite sure why…

And, determined as ever, he continues writing the song inspired by Joonmyeon when he was still a stranger and he continues drawing and painting his canvas of him, because Yixing is an artist, and Joonmyeon is his muse.

And Joonmyeon keeps telling Yixing how much he loves him and Yixing appreciates how much he cares for him but he isn’t quite certain about his own feelings for him.

 

 

 

 

Walking to his desired destination, Yixing is certain of his feelings now. He has everything planned. He knows how this will go through, how Yixing will confess.

Yixing’s back leans against the wall of the sidewalk. Behind him, he is hiding Joonmyeon’s canvas, and near him, is his old guitar.

He rubs his hands together as he breathes hot air onto them to fight against the cold while waiting for the presence of his partner patiently. Occasionally staring at the river, watching as the wind blows the clouds elsewhere. 

Yixing sees Joonmyeon. He sets the canvas behind him carefully so as to not make it fall. He straps on his guitar, getting his fingers ready for the first cord; getting himself ready to play.

As snowflakes fall from the sky, Yixing is nervous, but that is something he won’t show to Joonmyeon.

Playing the first chord, he closes his eyes, imagining a scene so that this song…this song will have the feelings, the tone and the mood he wants it to have, counting every moment like it were his last.

And as music soothes Joonmyeon's ears, Joonmyeon follows the sound of the music that leads to Yixing and he is surprised to find how well Yixing plays.

And when Yixing starts to sing, Joonmyeon’s heart melts, and he can feel every message Yixing wants to send through this song; Joonmyeon has never been so happy.

Yixing’s voice is soothing, and before Joonmyeon can get enough of it, Yixing tells him something he’ll always remember as well. “I love you, Kim Joonmyeon.”

Yixing carefully hands the canvas to Joonmyeon as he bites his lower lip in nervousness and Joonmyeon hugs him in thanks. And he’s now the happiest man in the world.

 

And that day, Yixing is successful and he is more than thankful for that. And for still being able to recall those moments so, so clearly, he was grateful. But maybe, in exchange for all this happiness, all this love,  he had to pay a price.

 

 

 

 

After Yixing returns home from being with Joonmyeon, he reminisces the times he's spent with him; the joy Joonmyeon has brought him.

Yixing wonder how long he can be with Joonmyeon...given his condition, will he have enough time?

 

 

 

Yixing’s abdomen hurts so much, it seems like it’s his stomach but he hadn’t eaten anything wrong, so he isn’t certain. The pain is overwhelming but perhaps, he’s just imagining things.

 

It feels like he's being ripped apart inside.

 

They are on a date and Yixing doesn’t want to spoil it. So, Yixing endures.

 

Throughout their meal, there had been several times in which the pain was almost unbearable, but Yixing had endured it all, and that’s enough for Yixing. He’s happy that Joonmyeon doesn’t have to worry.

But on the way out of the mediocre cafeteria, Yixing collapses.

 

 

 

When Yixing wakes up, all he sees is white. He smells disinfectant in the almost stagnant air and right then, he knows he’s in the hospital…did Joonmyeon bring him? But he can’t find out…he isn't supposed to. He can't find out about Yixing's little secret.

 

 

 

 

Joonmyeon is furious with Yixing. Why didn’t he tell him if he was in pain? Why didn’t he tell him if he was sick? Did Yixing not trust him enough to even bother to tell him?

In rage, and over-protectiveness, Joonmyeon yells at Yixing, and he just leaves, leaving behind a pained, distraught, regretful Yixing.

Is Joonmyeon mad at Yixing now too?

 

 

 

 

When Joonmyeon looks for Yixing in the hospital the next day with a bouquet of flowers and bread to apologise, Yixing isn’t even there.

The bed sheets are strewn messily across the hospital bed. The needle and tube that were once in Yixing’s hand was now on the hospital bed, soaking it with the liquid from the drip.

Where did Yixing go?

Where is he?

 

 

 

All Yixing wanted was more time, just to be with Joonmyeon a little longer, at least until they settle this argument between them.

But sometimes, the only things we want are the only thing we can never have.

And Yixing wakes up, and he is in his old clothes again. Everywhere is dark except a tiny peephole that allowed the little bit of sunlight it could; nothing more, nothing less. The darkness is almost pitch-black and Yixing is roped to a chair. His hands are tied behind his back and his legs are tied to the chair.

This situation remains the same for what seems like the next few days. The only difference is when food and water is brought in for Yixing.

Maybe he should've never accepted this new title. He is undeserving of it, all he'll give Joonmyeon is pain, hurt and worst of all, regret.

 

 

 

It's cold and dark where Yixing is. The air is damp and Yixing doesn't like the smell of damp air. The ropes are restricting and painful to deal with. For several times, he had pleaded with his kidnappers to handcuff him instead because his hand were gradually growing numb, numb to the point when he couldn't feel his hands anymore, to the point where it felt that Yixing no longer had hands, but they didn't, because this world knows no pity.

And with all the new time Yixing has now, his mind wanders to places he never thought it could, to places he never wanted it to go.

Time is cruel. 

And maybe, Yixing wished he never even lived to see the daylight.

 

 

 

Life is generous, but at the same time, isn't Life selfish?

Life gives you a place on earth, but when he thinks your time is up, he takes it away from you without notice.

Fate is also generous, but isn't she cunning?

She always has something up her sleeves and it seems like Fate and Life have something planned for Yixing and Joonmyeon...

 

 

 

 

Yixing sat in the centre of the vast room, arms and legs tied to the wooden chair. He is bruised and in pain. His clothes are slightly torn and bloody from the beatings of his kidnappers. And he wishes he has never left Joonmyeon’s side. He tries to see the faces of his kidnappers, but it is too dark. All he sees is black. Pitch black.

All he hears is the pitter-patter of the rain outside.

He bends his head down to stare at the floor, the floor stained in his blood. It’s pretty, he thinks, smirks. The colour of it, the red liquid from his veins. And he wonders if Joonmyeon has forgotten him. He can’t remember the last time he saw the daylight. The last time he saw him.

Does Joonmyeon even know he's missing?

The sound of rattling chains is his only warning. And the next thing he knows, he is being asphyxiated by the cold, metal chains pressing into the skin of his neck.

Does he even care anymore?

Another round of torture, Yixing thinks. They beat him, asking him to tell of Joonmyeon’s whereabouts, but he’ll never tell. Never.

But even in all the pain and confusion, Yixing only calls for one.

“Joonmyeon,

Help.”

 

 

And all Yixing can do now is hope.

Hope for Joonmyeon to come, in time.

 

 

 

 

Yixing is lying on the tarred road, clothes soaked and hair drenched, lying lifeless. Joonmyeon checks for any signs that Yixing is still living, but he is not.

 

Maybe…Joonmyeon was just a little too late.

Or was he?

 

 

Regret fills Joonmyeon's heart, and it's like he's stabbed right in the chest, blood dripping from the wound. 

Tears fill Joonmyeon's eyes as he thinks back to the memories of them, when they were happy, when they never fought, and it's like a second knife is inserted into his heart, and the ache is unbearable, the blood endlessly flowing from the wound.

His throat tightens and it's hard for Joonmyeon to breathe.

He should've never treated Yixing that way, he should've never took him for granted for Yixing was the best thing that ever happened to Joonmyeon.

He should've always been on Yixing's side. And during the time when Yixing needed him most, he wasn't even there.

And the thing that haunts him most is that he never got to apologise to Yixing for what he did.

It's all Joonmyeon's fault.

 

 

It's all too late.

 

Nothing lasts forever.

People die.

Memories fade away. 

But when they don't, that's when it hurts most.

And maybe it's Joonmyeon's fault that they never got their happy ending...because Joonmyeon never found out quick enough.

But if Joonmyeon were given another choice, he would do it all again, just to be with Yixing.

Because Yixing is the only thing that makes his life meaningful.

 

 

 

And on that night, a lone grey wolf howls to the moon.

Each howl more depressing than the other, and when heard, hearts clench for the loss of the poor soul.

 

 

 

Without Yixing, Joonmyeon feels empty, like a part of him is missing. He feels hollow, and only sadness can claim him.

Every night he tosses and turns, and every night is sleepless. 

Every night, he is the lone wolf who howls to the moon.

And every night, he is the one who wishes for Yixing to come back.

But Yixing never will.

 

 

And sometimes, Joonmyeon sits in his room. When the moon's out, he would always sing this song, Yixing's favourite.

And Joonmyeon finds it ironic that it is him who ends up doing as written in the song, but maybe, he just misses Yixing that much. Yixing who can never return. Yixing who can only remain a distant memory Joonmyeon will never forget. Yixing who always loves Nature and capturing it.

 

Talking to the moon,

Trying to get to you,

With hopes you're on the other side,

Talking to me too, 

Or am I a fool,

Who sits alone,

Talking to the moon?