It’s been two weeks, Jongin.

Two weeks since you left me.

Two weeks since my heart broke.

Are you really not coming back to me?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I saw the signs long ago. It was in every little thing.

Phone calls started getting shorter. Smiles were wearing thin. Old jokes and mannerisms started losing their simple charms. ‘I love you’ became automatic. Until it all blurred and turned into habits.

And habits, no matter how comfortable, is not the same as love.

I saw the signs long ago.

Yet I didn’t want to confront it, didn’t want to even acknowledge it. Because I was afraid that instead of denying it, you would confirm it.

But I guess I always knew. That’s why it doesn’t really surprise me when you said you’ve fallen out of love with me.

Heart broken, yes. But not surprised. Not really.

Still, it hurts, Jongin.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Our apartment seemed so big and empty now that you’re gone. Yet I could still feel your presence all around. The walls were still warm with your touch, the air whispered your name, the bed still imprinted with the curve of your body.

I slept in one of your old shirt, the one with the hole in the back. You must’ve forgotten about it when you packed your stuffs. It smells like you and help me sleep easier.

I miss you, Jongin….

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

My brother came by again today, just like he did every day after you left. I hated the way he looked at me nowadays, full with sorrow. It was so clearly written on his face like the tears still falling down my face.

Luhan gē ge said I should stop this. He said that it’s over. That I should let it go.

I know I should. I know I have too. But I can’t.

I. Can’t.

I want you back, Jongin.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I saw you today at our favorite restaurant. You were with someone else and you looked happy. Do you know it breaks my heart that you don’t care anymore?

You didn’t see me looking in from the outside, so I kept walking until I reached the river. Do you remember when we went there? It was after our date at the restaurant, the first time you told me you loved me, when you promised me forever.

But forever wasn’t forever, after all. It last for a year, eight months, and four days.

Our forever ended when you left me, Jongin.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Luhan gē ge brought reinforcement today, his best friend Yixing. I guess he can’t handle the burden of my broken heart alone.

Again gē ge said the same thing he’d been saying the last few days, of how he wants me to move in with him, saying that it’s not healthy for me to stay here alone. And again I flat out refused. How can I leave our apartment?

If I go away, how will you find me if you come back?

Soon enough our talk changed to argument and ended the way it always was, with gē ge mad and frustrated and me in tears. When gē ge left in anger Yixing quietly took me aside, and told me that Luhan gē ge do and say the things he does because he’s worried about me, that he just wants me to get back to being myself again.

I know gē ge means well, but sometimes I feel as if he’s suffocating me. How can I tell him that I still think about you all the time, Jongin? That I’d forgive you, if only you’d ask. That I still hope that one day you’ll call me and want to come back. I think I’m going crazy….

Isn’t it funny? When we were together, I was crazy about you.

Now that you left, I am crazy over you.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Today when I looked into the mirror I couldn’t recognize myself.

Luhan gē ge took me to cut my hair yesterday, saying something about a clean slate, a new beginning. Yixing gave me a pair of earrings without saying anything, but I know it was so I don’t wear the one you gave me last Christmas anymore. They dressed me in brand new clothes, hiding your old shirt and sweatpants that I’ve been wearing constantly. And my eyes….

My eyes are empty, cold, lifeless.

I wonder if it’ll ever shine again the way they used to when I looked at you. I wonder if I’ll ever be happy again.

Then I was on the floor, my head on my knees, crying so much it was hard to even breathe. I heard the door opened and someone cursed, before there was a pair of arms around me.

I wished it was you, Jongin.

I only cried harder when I saw Luhan gē ge’s frustrated face, Yixing’s worried eyes.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I woke up from a dream of you, Jongin.

I can still see your smile, hear your voice, feel you all around me.

But I woke up in an empty bed, and it hurt, it hurt so much.

As I cried and surrounded myself with sheets that no longer smells like you, the door opened and Yixing came in. It wasn’t long before I felt his arms around me.

I asked him when it’ll all stop. He said he doesn’t know.

I said I just want it to stop. He said it will; he doesn’t know when, but it will.

Pain, please go away.

Heart, please stop breaking.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Yixing started to come more often now, Jongin.

He’s different from Luhan gē ge. He understands. He can help. There was a painful understanding in his eyes that told me he’d been through the same thing I’m going through now, and it calms me to know that someone understand what I’m feeling without having to say anything.

Sometimes he would spend hours just my hair quietly, held me when the tears came, soothed me when I think I couldn’t handle it anymore.

It’s not that Luhan gē ge can’t help, it’s that Yixing does it better.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Yixing surprisingly came to pick me up after work today.

Ignoring my protest of how I just want to go home, he pulled me along with him and we walked to the small park nearby. I can’t remember the last time I went there, the last time I just simply walked around enjoying the day and the world whizzing by.

Some children were playing ball and we ended up playing along with them, running around and jumping up and down at each goals.

It felt strange to feel a smile on my face.

Strange, but at the same time it felt good, too.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Yixing found out about my letters to you.

But instead of yelling at me like Luhan gē ge would, he kept quiet and let me write. He simply sat by my side and watched me wrote to you in silence. Once I was finished he handed me a lighter, and told me to burn it.           

I tried to hide it but he was faster and took it out of my hand, before lighting it on fire. He said the longer I hold on to it, the harder it’ll be to let go. He held my hands so I won’t stop him and together we watched the letter burned into ashes.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The stars were shining brightly tonight when I was admiring them at the rooftop. Do you remember when we used to come here, and you would tell me the stories behind each star?

A voice asked me whether I was going to jump.

I can’t say that the thought never entered my mind.

Before, though. Not so much now.

As we stood there gazing at the sky he asked me whether it had stop.

It hasn’t. It still hurts, Jongin.

But it doesn’t hurt as much as before, a leftover numbness instead of the previous blinding pain.

I am getting there.

Yixing only smiled, before steering me to come back downstairs, leading me back to safety in Luhan gē ge’s arms.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It has been almost six months since you left, Jongin.

The apartment looked barren now since everything has been packed in large, brown boxes all over me. Luhan gē ge looked at me all proud and happy, the way he’d been ever since I agreed to move in with him. Yixing was waiting by the side, ready with a lighter and a small, dimpled smile.

This will be my last letter to you, Jongin.

 Once it burns, I will not look back. I will let you go.

 One day, I will be happy again.