The first time we had , I was a first year in university.  

It was a party to celebrate his graduation.  He sat in the corner of the room with a cigarette hanging off the side of his mouth and I sat at the opposite end, nursing a bottle of beer.  Our eyes met.  He nodded towards the hall outside, snuffed his cigarette, and left.  I downed the rest of my beer and followed.

The closet was small but the was rough and hot.  We were a tangle of limbs, and .  He had me pinned against the wall the way I liked and I nipped at his neck the way he liked.  There was no talking, no introductions.  The only sounds to echo off the wooden shelves were our frantic panting and the soft sounds of flesh hitting flesh.

I bumped into him again a few months later at a billiard pool hall.  He was out with some friends and so was I.  We played at opposite ends of the hall but, like the first time, our eyes met silent words.  It was pure coincidence that I would bump into him there; I’ve only ever played pool twice in my life.  We met in the men’s bathroom stall and again, introductions were skipped.  We kept things quiet this time; we didn’t want our neighboring stalls to hear us.  Rather than the wall this time, I held on tight to the stall door and he held on tight to me.

As we left the bathroom, I tugged on the back of his shirt because I didn’t believe in a third coincidental encounter.

“I’m Daehyun,” I said, taking his hand and writing my number on his hand with a pen I found nearby, “If you’re interested in a third time.”  I walked away without waiting for a response because if I hadn’t, I would have backtracked and made a joke of it all out of embarrassment. 

I knew he wouldn’t call but I still checked my phone frequently throughout the next week.  Every time it rang, I could feel a snap of adrenaline before finding out it wasn’t anyone I’d had with on the other line.  I’d almost given up hope of him calling by the second week until my phone ran in the middle of one Saturday afternoon.

“Hello?” I answered, feeling a twinge of excitement at the unrecognizable number across my screen. 

“Interested in a third?” a husky voice asked from the other end and I could feel my spine tingling. 

“Where?” I asked, grabbing a pen and paper.  I jotted down an address and apartment number before hanging up the phone.  It was probably a bad idea to go to this place alone but then again, the two previous encounters hadn’t been smart ideas either.

The bus ride was long but the excitement of seeing him again made it bearable.  I climbed the stairs up to his place in twos and stopped outside of his door out of breath.  I didn’t even have to knock before the door opened and I was pulled inside. 

He wasted no time in stripping me of my clothes and tossing them to the floor in a heap.  Equally needy, I ripped apart his buttoned shirt and buried my face into his wide chest.  He lifted me easily and carried me to his bedroom.  I didn’t have time to admire the cleanliness of the room because he was already crawling on top of me and pinning me down.  on a bed was much better than the cold of a closet wall or my grip on a bathroom door.  He went down on me hard and it was only everything I had been looking forward to.  He held my legs apart like Moses parting the sea and the raw sound of his thighs hitting my took us both to new heights.

Unlike the usual hit and run, he stayed in bed and lit up a cigarette.  I sat up but his arm on my waist pulled me back down on to the bed beside his still sweaty body.  I didn’t protest; I’d have at least liked to learn his name.

“Yongguk,” he said, passing me his cigarette.  He gave a lazy grin and I was hooked.

I took the cigarette and took a drag.  As I coughed my brains out, I realized that we had just shared our first indirect kiss.

We never kissed each other on the lips during .  We kissed everywhere else but every time I went in for the lips, he’d turn his head or redirect me.  I thought maybe it was a thing with him but I didn’t really care.  I didn’t need him kissing me on the lips when he was kissing me a little further south instead.

Our physical relationship continued for three months after that.  We never talked for more than a few words at a time but we talked with our bodies so much that I sometimes had trouble walking the next day.  It was a mutual understanding that we were buddies, even though we weren’t really even buddies at all.  I didn’t know anything more about him than he did of me.  Our only connection was the and it was fine with me. 

“I got a girlfriend,” he said to me one day after the fourth round. 

I could only blink at him.  It never occurred to me that he was into women too.  I wasn’t; if I were, I wouldn’t be a booty call for a man.  But I replied with, “Oh.”  What else could I say to that?

“So no more ,” he said, shrugging and taking a drag of his cigarette, “I want to go serious with her.”

“Oh,” I said again, feeling a strange tightness in my stomach.  I thought maybe his was flowing backwards into my intestines and making me uncomfortable.

Yongguk nodded and that was it.  He stopped calling me and I stopped visiting his apartment.  I still checked my phone often; it was a habit that was hard to give up.  Soon I was entering my second year in university.  I’d gotten used to being alone again and had even begun to see other men.  I wasn’t like him; I liked men and men alone. 

I started dating a closet case shortly after my second year began.  The guy was gentle like a lamb in public but in the sheets, he was rough and beastly.  His roughness reminded me the wild times with Yongguk; maybe that’s why I stuck around.  Until Yongguk called again.

He’d broken up with his girlfriend.  He’d gotten drunk and dialed my number.  Before I could screw my head on straight, I was already on my way to his place.  I climbed the familiar steps and knocked on his familiar door.

That night was a mess.  We had all over his apartment; in the foyer, in the hallway on our way to his bedroom, on the floor next to his bed, in the shower… I knew standing would be difficult the next day.  Morning rolled around and things were finally back to normal again for me. 

It would be stupid of me to say I didn’t like him for more than just .  Even if I was asked why, I wouldn’t be able to answer.  I knew next to nothing about him other than the sound of his voice as he shoots himself inside me or the gentleness of his fingers through my hair after a rough night.  I wanted to know more but I knew asking could spell the end of our relationship permanently. 

He was straight; I was simply someone he knew that didn’t mind some crazy .  He didn’t have to worry about pregnancies and we were safe enough that STDs were also low on the list.  He didn’t ask me anything either; that was answer enough for me.

Time passed quickly and soon, it was my graduation.  Our relationship was on and off; on when he was single and off when he found his latest girlfriend.  I grew used to having short-term relationships with other men too because I knew Yongguk would call eventually.  He always did.  The was mind-blowing every single time and yet, after three years, we still had yet to kiss.

I’d learned to get my kiss fix elsewhere.  Men at the gay clubs I frequented wanted to kiss me all the time.  On good days, I got a few good kisses in from a few good looking men.  Even so, none of them could compare to the kisses I dreamed about with Yongguk.  He kissed my neck like a hungry animal and my collarbone until hickeys were a frequent occurrence.  I could only imagine what his kisses would be like if he were to work his tongue in my mouth the way he did between my legs.

Even now, as I lie on my stomach bathing in the afterglow of , I find myself fantasizing about his lips on mine.  Without thinking, I say to him in a raspy voice that could only be a result of too much screaming, “How come you never kiss me?”  I look up at his face as he leans on the headboard with a smoke in between his fingers and instantly regrets it.

He gives me a look like I’ve just told him I have children before shrugging and taking a drag of his smoke.  He’s silent but I can tell he didn’t like being asked that question.

I look back down at my pillow and wish I could rewind time.  I wonder what he’s thinking about and if he’ll ask me to leave.  Did I cross the line? 

“Kissing is overrated,” he says, breaking the silence, “People think it’s romantic and it’s supposed to turn you on.  All it does for me is get my mouth slimy and nasty.”

“You don’t like kissing?” I ask.  I’m surprised by his answer; I thought he would give a reason like only kissing people he loved or whatever nonsense.

“I don’t like kissing lips,” he says, shrugging again, “But I guess I have to get used to it sooner rather than later.”  He gives me a sideway glance before snuffing his cigarette.  “Daehyunnie,” he calls my name with his husky voice, “Why do you always come back?”

Why?  “Because you call me?” I reply, confused by his question.  Was he having second thoughts?  About what anyway?  He didn’t even like me the way I liked him.

“Do you have other buddies?” he asks, frowning, “Do you always go when your buddy calls you?”  He emphasizes the words buddy and I can feel my chest tightening.  I hated those two words but it was what we were.

“No,” I say, getting a little snippy, “You’re the only buddy I can afford right now with all this girlfriend finding that you do.”  His frown deepens and I again regret letting my big mouth run.  To be honest, I’m irritated at myself for falling for a straight man. 

“Girlfriend finding?” he asks, sitting up, “I’m interested in women and I eventually want a family.”  He seems irritated now too.

“Yeah,” I say, sitting up too, “I know.  I’m something you do for fun in the meantime, literally.  I don’t expect this buddy business to go on forever.”  I secretly wish it would because then, I could at least pretend he and I were more than just bastards out for a romp.

“Good because it’s about to end for good,” he says and my heart skips a beat.  “I did some more girlfriend finding,” he says, mocking my wording, “Actually, it’s more like I’m getting married.”  He gets up from the bed and walks over to the window.

I don’t hear him at first because I’m still reeling from his declaration of ending.  As I stare at his back, however, the words sink in and hit me right in my stomach.  He’s getting married.  It was different this time; it wasn’t just another girlfriend he’d dump in a few weeks or months.  He was getting a wife and those were usually more permanent.

“Oh,” I say.  I want to ask him if he was joking but it would make me look pathetic.  After all, he had practically announced just now that he was as straight as an arrow, even if he went off target sometimes to stick a man’s .  I don’t know how to respond so I stay silent.  That’s good too because I’m sure I’d start sobbing if I spoke another word.

“I started seeing my ex again from two years ago,” he says without turning around, “We gave it another shot and things are working well.  I want to get married early and start having me some kids so she and I decided to do a small ceremony in two months’ time.  August fifteenth… at the chapel up the hill from here.”  He spoke as if he was reading lines off a page but it hurt.

“You were dating while you were ing me?” I ask and my voice cracks a little.  I hope he didn’t hear it and, fortunately, he doesn’t turn around.

He doesn’t reply so I get up and grab my clothes from the floor.  I dress in silence and he doesn’t turn around to stop me.  I can feel my eyes stinging but I pretend I don’t.  Without a word, I head for the door and leave.  It isn’t until I get back home that I feel out of breath.  I’m not sure if it was because I ran home instead of taking the bus or if I actually realize the reality of it all.

No more with Yongguk… for good.  That thought haunts me for the next two months and I’m counting down the days until August fifteenth.  The day of, I can’t get out of bed.  All that goes through my head is how I wish I’d at least told him once that I liked him more than he’d thought.  Even if he was straight and I had made a huge fool of myself, it would at least feel less like a mistake then it did now.

By the end of the day, I seriously wish I could go back in time.  I blame myself more and more for keeping quiet and the only way I know to kill the pain is to go out and get trashed.  I get dressed and call a cab.  Getting into the club is easy; the bouncers know me by name already.  I’m sure I’ve actually kissed, maybe slept with, the bouncer that was on duty tonight.  I don’t care at this point though.  I just want to get inside and lose myself.

Before I can even make it to the bar, my phone vibrates against my .  I take it out just as a bartender starts walking over to me.  I check the message and I start hyperventilating.

It was Yongguk.

I all but fly to his apartment.  I haven’t run at that speed since the grade school field day activities.  I get there soon enough and practically teleport myself to up the stairs to his door.  Like the first time, his door opens before I can knock.  The difference, however, was that he didn’t pull me inside by the waist and strip me right there in front of the door.

Instead, he looks at me with more emotion on his face than I’d ever seen on him for the past three years.  The fleeting thought that maybe this was it… that maybe he would tell me his marriage was a sham to see if I really liked him.  Maybe he would tell me he liked me just as much and that he wasn’t really straight.  The thought zips through my mind but that’s all it is; just a passing, wishful thought. 

He stands at the door in a hoodie and sweats looking at me like he hadn’t seen me in years.  He opens his mouth say something but I don’t want to hear whatever it is he is about to say.

Instead, I practically shout at him, “I like you.  As more than just a buddy.  Don’t get married.  You’ll hate kissing her anyway.”  It wasn’t exactly how I’d imagined I would confess if I had ever been given the chance to but it was close enough.  I can hear my heart going off in my ears and I all but hop up and down as I wait for some kind of response from him.

Before I could repeat what I said in a louder voice, he takes two steps towards me and has me pinned against the opposite wall.  Before I could latch onto him like a leech, he leans down and presses his soft lips to mine.  The tenderness is enough make my legs weak.  It’s nothing like I expect but it blows my expectations out of the water.

He pulls away and looks at me with the beginnings of a grin.  “I hated kissing her,” he says, his eyes dropping to my lips before looking back up at me again, “But you…”  He leans in for another kiss before he finally finishes his damn sentence.  “Kissing you isn’t so bad,” he murmurs, slipping a hand underneath my silk shirt.

I grin into another kiss and push back against him until we are inside of his apartment again with the front door fully closed.  I lay it on him like I’ve never kissed before because honestly…

Who hates kisses?

Author's notes:

A BangDae one-shot!  Also trying out a new style of writing :)  Let me know what you think!