“What’s that on your arm?”

“Huh?”

“That. Under your sleeve.”

                Him Chan looked down to his arm and saw his scars that weren’t very well covered.

“Oh, that. It’s nothing.”

“Are you sure? They look like they hurt?”

“I said it’s nothing YoungJae, now stop!”

“Okay, I’m sorry for asking.”

                YoungJae walked away from him and as he did Him Chan looked after him feeling sorry for having yelled at him. He didn’t mean to yell at him, it just happened. He doesn’t like it when people point out his scars to him. He knows they’re there, he can still feel the stinging of the fresher ones that aren’t completely healed. When someone sees and points them out he feels vulnerable, almost like they know all his secrets and judge him for being so stupid, and unworthy. He always tries to cover them up as much as possible but at times like this it’s kind of hard to do so.

                Him Chan hated P.E it was his worst enemy. Not because he hated exercising but because he hated how his teacher wouldn’t allow him to wear his sweater over his clothes, he was always forced to take it off and have his arms be revealed. He hated changing in front of everyone and feeling like everyone was staring at him and judging his body for everything it was and wasn’t. He hated showering in the open with everyone else in the locker room so he always ran there once everyone was dismissed just to get one of the cubical showers.  He’d shower as fast as possible so that by the time he was done everyone else was still in the showers and wouldn’t be able to see him.
                After P.E everything was fine. Him Chan never really talked to anyone and wasn’t much to raise his hand in anticipation to answer every single question that his teachers asked. He’d only talk when he was asked something and even then he gave minimal answers. He went about his life like this. There wasn’t much he’d do and just waited for school to be over so he could go home and do nothing until he fell asleep from the pain.

“Hey! Him Chan! Wait up.”

                YoungJae was running towards him. School had just let out and Him Chan was on his way home when he heard his name being called from behind him.

“Hey, I’m sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean to offend you or anything. I didn’t know.”

“It’s fine. I’m sorry for yelling at you.”

“No, don’t be. It was my fault to begin with. But if you ever want to talk about anything I’m here for you. I know we’re not exactly friends and never really talk but if you need me I’ll be there. “

“Thanks YoungJae. I have to go now.”

“Wait. Are you free Friday afterschool?”

“I guess.”

“Do you want to come over and hang out?”

“Look, just because you saw my scars doesn’t mean I’m gonna allow you to dig into me, okay?”

“No no no no, it’s just that I’ve sort of always been interested in you, I just never knew how to approach you.  You’re always alone and you’re so beautiful I always felt intimidated to even walk up to you and ask you to hang out.”

“That’s all very sweet and all but I have to go.”

“Wait, are we good for Friday?”

“I’ll let you know.”

                Him Chan turned and headed home but was stopped when he felt someone pull him back and twisted him around. He didn’t know what to think when he saw YoungJae’s face a few inches away from his own.  He stared at him and saw his face come closer to his; he felt YoungJae’s lips plant a kiss on his cheek and then pulled away. He let go of Him Chan and waved goodbye at him and a small “see you tomorrow” left his lips. He ran back to his friends who were waiting for him and left Him Chan their frozen for some time before he went back to normal and continues on his way home.

                He wasn’t poor like everyone liked to believe, he was actually quite the opposite. His family was pretty well off and they never really needed anything but always bought in excess.  His younger brother decided to delve himself in his parent’s riches and asked to be sent to a private school, his parents had no oppositions to his request and granted it, soon after asking Him Chan if he’d like to join his brother in a private school. He didn’t want to be surrounded by a bunch of rich people that all they cared about was whose parents had more money.

                 He reached his house and was greeted with silence. No one was home yet. His parents still at their respective offices and his brother out with his friends like always. He didn’t mind being home alone, it just meant he didn’t have to keep quiet the times he cried himself into exhaustion and eventually just fall asleep.

                No one really knows when he got to be like this. During the switch between middle school and high school something just went wrong and Him Chan got quiet and stopped talking a lot and left all his friends to wonder what had happened to him. Now in his third year of high school, Him Chan doesn’t really have friends and doesn’t really care, he doesn’t care about a lot of things, and everyone is completely okay with it. At first his parents were worried and asked him to see a therapist for their sake. He agreed to go but didn’t get anything out of the sessions.  His second therapist was much better and understood what was happening. He wouldn’t talk and he’d just sit there with Him Chan staring out the window until his time was up and for some reason Him Chan liked that, he liked sitting completely still and quiet in a room with someone else. He didn’t feel alone and somehow he felt happy. He’d told Him Chan that his parents didn’t think he was helping so on his last session with him he told Him Chan something that changed him. “Some people become sad at a younger age. You’re one of them. There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re just… sad.” After that Him Chan left and told his parents that he didn’t want to see anymore therapist. There wasn’t anything wrong with him and he felt fine, just a little sad. His parents looked at him with sadness in their eyes but didn’t make him go anymore.

                Ever since then he’s always thought about what that doctor said. How can he be sad all the time and still feel fine most of the time and then only at night feel like he didn’t deserve to live anymore.  Everyday he’s come home and find it empty, he’s move about and do what he needed to do but once he was out of things to do he’s lay in bed and his mind would start to wonder he’d think about anything and everything, but it always ended in him feeling worthless and wanting to hurt himself. He started cutting himself as a way to feel anything aside from that empty feeling within himself.  Eventually he’d do it when anything happened, he’s do it when he was sad, hurt, even when he felt happy. It became some sort of reward for him and it took everything away and all he could feel was the breaking of his skin and the blood pouring out slowly.

                Today much like every day he’d wonder around his house to find something to do. However when he finally decided to cook something to eat he couldn’t focus. His mind kept wondering back to YoungJae and what he’d said to him earlier. He’d never been called beautiful by anyone aside from his mother. His father had always said he was handsome and his brother said he envied his looks at times but he never took it to heart because they were his family and they were supposed to say stuff like that. Not being able to concentrate properly he just left everything and went to the living room to sit. He took one of the pillows on the couch and hugged it close to him and he began to feel tired his body slumped onto the couch and he fell asleep not having had to cry himself to sleep like he had been for the last couple weeks.

                The following day he woke up on the couch and he noticed he had a blanket thrown over him. He was greeted with the sound of his mother yelling at his brother to hurry up. He stood up and his legs felt wobbly but he steadied himself and walked towards the kitchen.

“Hyung?”

“Morning.”

“Him Chan, honey, are you alright? You seem a little wobbly.”

“I’m fine. I just feel a little out of it.”

“Do you want me to call you in sick?”

“No, besides I still have to give YoungJae my answer.”

“YoungJae? Hyung, do you have a boyfriend? Oh My God, when are you bringing him over?”

“He’s not my boyfriend, he just wanted to hang out on Friday.”

“Oh. Boring!”

“Well I’m sorry that my life isn’t as exciting as yours.”

                Him Chan grabbed some water and then left to go and get changed for school. When he went back into the kitchen only his mother was there.

“Come and sit, I need to talk to you about something.”

“But, I have to go to school.”

“I’ll drive you today. Besides it won’t take that long.”

“Okay.”

“Is something going on? I’ve heard you at night, crying.”

“It’s nothing. It’s kind of like a stress reliever.”

                In reality, Him Chan didn’t know why he cried himself to sleep every night.

“How about yesterday? You left everything out in the kitchen and feel asleep on the couch. I’m not mad that you left everything out it’s just that you usually put everything away after you’re done. What’s going on, I need to know if something’s bothering you.”

“I just didn’t feel very well yesterday. I couldn’t really concentrate on anything after I got home. I ended up falling asleep by accident.”

“Everything’s alright at school right?”

“Yeah. Hey mom, can I ask you something?’

“Sure.”

“Am I… beautiful?”

“Well of course you are. Your face is so beautiful. Anyone would be jealous of your looks. Now, why do you ask?”

“YoungJae called me beautiful yesterday.”

“Oh, how do you feel about this YoungJae?”

“I don’t know. We never really talked before. He asked me to hang out on Friday but I don’t know if I want to.”

“Why don’t you try? Go and have fun and do what you kids do nowadays and see if you find him beautiful.”

“But isn’t being beautiful only looks”

“No, and the way it seems that YoungJae called you beautiful isn’t just because of your looks.”

“Then by what”

“You as a whole. So go with him on Friday and find out if he’s beautiful.”

                Him Chan nodded and got up to leave along with his mother. Him Chan went about his day at school until he reached P.E, he saw YoungJae talking with some of his friends before noticing him and waving. He waved back and waited for the teacher arrived. He kept his head down looking at his feet before he felt someone poke him in his side. He jumped slightly and looked up at his attacker with a startled look. It was only YoungJae though, so he relaxed afterwards.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“So about Friday? Have you thought about it?”

“Umm, yeah. I’d like to hang out.”

“Great. What do you want to do?”

“I don’t know. I don’t really do much.”

“How about we just hang out at my house for a while and then go from there?”

                Him Chan nodded in agreement and smiled. They stood together until the teacher called everyone together and split them up into teams for the soccer match.  Him Chan was put on the bench because the rest of his team actually wanted to play so he decided to sit out, it’s not like he really knew how to play soccer properly. YoungJae on the other hand was like a pro running up and down the field going after the ball like a madman. He scored 3 times for his team and everyone went over to him to celebrate after each one.  After the match ended they were all sent to the locker room. Him Chan didn’t shower because he hadn’t done anything so he just changed quickly and left the locker room to wait for the bell.

                His day went about normally until after school. YoungJae had left class along with him and walked towards the gate with him. He didn’t think much of it until YoungJae started walking alongside him on his way home.

“Why are you following me?”

“I want to know where you live so I can pick you up Friday night.”

“You could’ve just asked.”

“I know but I also kind of wanted to spend some time with you.”

“Oh, okay.”

                YoungJae just smiled and followed along. They stopped at a convenience store to get a drink and then proceeded to head to Him Chan’s house. Once they reached his home YoungJae just stared in awe at the house and the neighborhood.

“You live here?”

“Yea. Why?”

“No, it’s just that I thought you were… well … -”

“- Poor. I know. Everyone thinks I’m poor and no one knows anything about me. I prefer to keep it that way. It’s easier.”

“Are you kidding me? Do you know how many friends you’d have if they knew?”

“Exactly my point. I don’t want fake friends who’re only after my parents’ fortune. It’s pointless really.”

                They stood at the door for a good while talking until a car pulled up into the driveway. Him Chan looked at the driver and recognized one of his brothers’ friends in the driver’s seat and his brother in the passenger seat. What he did not expect to see was his brother lean over and kiss his “friend” on the lips.

“Who’s that?”

“My brother. And the one driving is supposed to only be a friend.”

“Oh.”

                He saw his brother get out of the car and started heading towards the door but stopped once he realized that Him Chan was standing there.

“Oh, hyung! What are you doing here?”

“I live here. Now what was that about?”

“What was what about?”

“That kiss. Last time I checked you were dating a girl according to you it was “pretty serious” at least that what you said.”

“Well we didn’t work out and besides he’s a great guy and we’re just testing things out. But anyways, who’s this?”

“This is YoungJae and he was just leaving.”

“Oh, why don’t we invite him in. considering you two still have you things with you, you haven’t gone in. Come on YoungJae hyung, I can tell you all about Him Channie.”

                YoungJae just followed the younger dumbly and walked in after him. He turned to see Him Chan still outside by the door. He leaned against the frame with his head tilted looking longingly at his younger brother. It was awkward to say the least knowing that Him Chan had little knowledge of his brother’s life and everything had just been laid out like it was nothing of importance. YoungJae motioned for Him Chan reaching out his hand. He snapped out of his trance and went in closing the door behind him. Him Chan’s younger brother grabbed YoungJae and pulled him towards the living room with Him Chan following. The three of them stayed in the living room watching tv and talking until YoungJae’s phone rang and he had to leave.

“Do you want me to walk you home?”

“No, it’s kinda far. I don’t want you to have to walk by yourself.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yea. By the way, thanks for putting up with me today. I was only supposed to walk you home and ended up staying.”

“No, it’s fine. I enjoyed your company.”

                They stood at the door awkwardly in silence just looking at their own feet.

“So, I guess I’ll see you at school tomorrow?”

“Yea, umm yea, see you tomorrow.”

                YoungJae walked down the small steps and stopped again turning around and looking at Him Chan standing there. He saw Him Chan bring his hand up a little bit and waved at him with a small smile dancing on his lips. He turned away again and began walking home.

                As YoungJae was out of site Him Chan walked back in to be met with his brothers smirking smile.

“He likes you.”

“Huh?”

“YoungJae. He likes you, more than just a friend.”

“He’s not even my friend.”

“Well I can see that he wants to work on not just being your friend but your boyfriend.”

“That’s ridiculous.  He can’t possibly like me. He doesn’t even know me.”

“You don’t have to know someone to like them just like you don’t have to know someone to dislike them.”

                Him Chan just nodded and walked over to his things and took them into his room saying a small goodnight to his brother as he passed by him. He walked to his room and sat on his bed thinking of what his brother had said. It was true you didn’t need a reason to like or dislike certain people but di YoungJae really like him? He finished his work for the day and went to bed thinking of YoungJae and whether he liked him or not.

                The following day Him Chan woke up before his alarm and turned to the window to see that the sun was barely rising. He looked to his clock and saw the time, 6:52 am. He stayed in bed until the sun had fully risen and then once he got up his body felt heavy. He didn’t expect it and his body just dropped to the ground. He didn’t know what was happening but he just stayed on the ground. That’s when he realized he wasn’t okay. Physically he was fine, but mentally his mind had given up already before the day had begun. His mind had determined that he was going to have one of those days.  He lay on the floor until his mom came to get him up to go to school but saw him on the ground just staring up at the ceiling. She panicked and rushed over to him.

“What’s wrong? Why are you on the floor? Are you alright, are you hurt? Please talk to me.”

“I don’t know.”

“Honey, what don’t you know? Are you hurt, physically?”

“No.”

“Oh… Do you want me to get you your medication?”

“Please.”

                His mother had witnessed Him Chan like this plenty of times. She figured it out after a while that he had given up already and just needed to go to sleep.  When she went back into the room with his medication she helped Him Chan onto his bed and told him to just sleep, she’d call the school and tell them he was sick. He nodded not really paying attention until he heard his door click shut. He turned to his side waiting for the medication to kick in and make him sleep.  He woke up later that day and found the house completely empty. He walked towards the kitchen dragging his feet not feeling like wasting any energy on picking them up. He opened up the fridge and saw a plate of food with his name on a tag. He picked it up and eyed it before putting it back and just grabbing a bottle of water.  He trudged towards the living room only to lie down on the couch. He didn’t know what time it was and didn’t really care. He figured it’d be somewhere around midday.

                He lay on the couch till he heard a knock at the door. He heard the doorbell ring once and three knocks following. He didn’t know anyone that did that. He got up slowly and chugged his was towards the door and opened it slightly to see who it was. He was surprised to see YoungJae standing there. 

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“You weren’t at school today. I wanted to see if you were okay. The teacher said you were sick but you seemed alright yesterday so I figured you just didn’t feel like going to school.”

“It’s been an off day. Do you want to come in?”

“Sure.”

                Him Chan stepped back and let him come in. He was going to just sit in the living room with YoungJae but he really did not feel like being a room so lit with sunlight so he veered him to his bedroom where the curtains hid most of the sunlight and didn’t hurt his head as much. YoungJae followed behind him not knowing where they were going. He simply followed along and once they stopped he was met with what he assumed to be Him Chans bedroom. It was nice. Nothing what he’d expect it to be. He had tons of pictures and artwork decorating one wall and the rest completely blank.

“Why only one wall?”

“Huh?”

“The art work, it’s only on one wall. All the other walls are completely empty.”

“Oh, I want to fill it up slowly, I don’t see the point in splattering pictures everywhere and make it seem messy. I prefer it like this. It’s sort of a time machine for me. It shows how my taste has changed over the time span that I’ve started collecting artwork.”

                YoungJae didn’t know how to reply so he just hummed in response. He looked towards Him Chan and saw him sitting in his bed with his legs under the covers.  He wasn’t looking at the wall like YoungJae had been; he simply stared down at his lap where his hands rested. He walked closer to Him Chan and placed his hands atop of Him Chans, he expected him to pull away but instead he took his hand and began almost inspecting it, or playing with it. Him Chan ran his figure over the curves and ridges of YoungJae’s hand finding it interesting how his fingers curled or flexed when he ran his own fingers across certain areas of his hand.

“Stop biting your nails.”

“Huh?”

“It’s a bad habit. Pretty soon you’re gonna bite too much and start biting at your fingers.”

“Oh… umm.”

                YoungJae was ashamed of his habit but couldn’t really stop, he’d tried before but he always ended up going back to it.

“I can’t. I’ve tried.”

“Do you want me to help? I know how to stop it.”

“Sure, but I’ve tried almost everything.”

                Him Chan nodded but got out of bed and walked towards his door and motioned for YoungJae to follow him. He walked towards another room, his parents room and went to his mothers dresser. He opened one of her drawers and looked back towards YoungJae.

“Clear or colored?”

“Huh?”

“Clear or colored?”

“Colored? I guess.”

                Him Chan nodded and searched for the black nail polish his mother had. Once he found it he put everything back in its place and took YoungJae back to his room. He made YoungJae sit on his bed as he sat facing him with his legs crossed. He asked for YoungJae’s hand and opened the bottle up. He took the brush out removing the excess and began painting YoungJae’s nails.

“I should’ve said clear.”

“Yea you should’ve. Your nails would’ve just looked shiny.”

“You didn’t tell me what it was.”

                Him Chan shrugged his shoulders and continued to paint YoungJae’s nails as they made small talk. Well more like YoungJae telling Him Chan what he had missed at school. Once Him Chan was done painting he told YoungJae not to touch anything for at least 15 minutes. But of course something had to happen and his phone rang. He asked Him Chan to answer it.

“Hello?”

“YoungJae, where are you?”

“Oh, I-I’m sorry YoungJae’s kind of busy right now.”

“Oh, who is this?”

“Him Chan, YoungJae’s friend.”

“Well, it’s nice to meet you Him Chan. Can you please tell YoungJae to pick up some milk and eggs on his way home.”

“Okay.”

“Thank you darling. It was nice talking to you. Bye.”

“Mmm, bye.”

 

 

“Who was it?”

“Your mom. She wants you to pick up some eggs and milk on your way home.”

“okay.”

 

                Him Chan the TV in the room and fell silent. YoungJae didn’t really mind, he just sat there inspecting his nails every once in a while to see if they had dried already. After a while he forgot about them and just continued to watch the show that was playing. YoungJae became bored with the program and turned to Himchan, he saw him staring blankly at the wall. He studied his face, he was absolutely gorgeous, how Him Chan wasn’t one of the popular kids fazed him. His looks alone would get him into the group, but everyone else noticed that Him Chan wasn’t as social as everyone else and he didn’t flaunt his money like everyone else, including YoungJae.

“What?”

“Huh?”

“You’re staring at me.”

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to.”

“Is there a reason you came by?”

“Not really. I just wanted to see if you were okay.”

                Him Chan nodded his head and continued to look around his own room.  He felt YoungJae grab his hand and intertwine their fingers. He looked down at them and smiles slightly. It felt nice. He tightened his own hold on YoungJae’s hand. YoungJae somehow managed to get himself up on the bed next to Him Chan. Him Chan didn’t think much of it. Instead of saying he wanted to be alone like usual he leaned his head on YoungJae’s shoulder.

“Can you stop?”

“Stop what?”

“Cutting. I know it’s not any of my business but I actually care about you. When I saw them a couple days ago, I suddenly got really upset at you knowing you did that to yourself.”

“I can’t”

“Why not? I can help you.”

“This is my habit. I can’t just stop, I’ve tried, I’ve tried so many times to stop but I can’t. I just need to feel alive once in a while it’s not to kill myself.”

“But you can kill yourself. Do you not understand that!?”

                Him Chan began to cry and his body shook next to YoungJae’s. YoungJae brought his arms around him and kissed the top of his head.

“How do you feel then, most of the time?”

“I don’t even know what I feel anymore. I don’t even think I’m capable of feeling so many things. And you know what scares me the most, I’m so scared that at one point I’ll just stop feeling everything and I’ll be okay with it.”

                YoungJae hummed in response but didn’t say anything. He continued to hold him until they heard a knock on the door. Him Chan got up to answer the door and returned with a plate of food in his hands.

“My mom brought dinner.”

                YoungJae just laughed a little at how flat Him Chan’s voice was yet his face showed complete excitement. He took the plate to where he previously was and began to eat. Him Chan looked up at Young Jae with a piece of chicken in his hand and motioned for him to eat it. YoungJae took it in between his teeth then began to eat it.  Once they finished all the food they just sat there in bed staring blankly at things in the room, the TV on as background noise.

“Can I see your arm?”

“Huh?”

“Your arm. Let me see  it.”

                Him Chan let YoungJae take his arm. He felt YoungJae trace some of the scars with his finger and he heard him counting them in a small voice.

“32”

“32?”

“That’s how many are on this arm. And that’s how many kisses I’m giving you on our date tomorrow.”

“Date?”

“I know you don’t really pay attention to what goes on around you at school but I care about you because I like you. I’ve sort of been infatuated with you for a while now. I just never got to tell you directly. And for Valentine’s Day I always chicken out on giving you chocolate directly so I just put it in your locker.”

“That’s you? You never put anything on the card. You just doodle all over it.”

“I never know what to put so I have it open during class and I end up doodling on it.”

“I keep them you know.”

“You do? I thought you’d just throw them away.”

“They make me feel happy. I only ever get anything from you and my mom.”

                YoungJae didn’t know what to think. He’d expect Him Chan to have a bunch of people after him on Valentine’s Day.  He began to Him Chan’s hair and he felt Him Chan’s body relax next his. He looked down and saw that his eyes were closed and it seemed like he had fallen asleep. His body acted upon reflex and took his other hand to cup Him Chan’s face and leaned down towards his lips.

“I’ll take a kiss in advance from tomorrow.”

                And then he connected their lips. Him Chan was still for a bit before YoungJae felt him kiss back. He smiled as he pulled away and leaned his head against Him Chan’s.

“You can’t just kiss me randomly. We’re not dating.”

                YoungJae let out a small laugh.

“Then as of tomorrow I can kiss you whenever I feel like it? We are going on a date.”

“On Monday you asked to hang out, not go on a date.”

“Well I just turned it into a date without asking you so I can kiss you  as  much as I want.”

“I didn’t agree to a date.”

“Yea, you did.”

“When?”

“The moment you kissed me back.”

                Him Chan opened his eyes and looked up to meet YoungJae’s but was cut off when YoungJae leaned down to kiss him again. Instead of pulling away he just closed his eyes and let it happen.

                A knock broke the kiss apart. The door opened to reveal Him Chan’s younger brother.

“I see you’ve figured out what you wanted out of this?”

“Shut up.”

 

“What’s he talking about?”

“Well-“

                Him Chan threw one of the pillows at him to shut him up and succeeded in hitting him in the face.

“Fine, I won’t tell him.”

“What are you doing here anyways?”

“Mom wanted to know if you wanted dessert but I guess you already got yours.”

                He laughed hysterically as he closed the door and left them sitting there just staring at the door before they began laughing themselves.

“Is he always like this?”

“No. He’s never like this. But I like him when he is, it means he’s happy.”

“Wow, you guys are really close then, to know when he’s happy like that.”

“Far from it. We’re so different it’s kind of unbelievable. It’s like we’re not even related. He’s kind of the popular kid at school, he likes to flaunt what we have and he’s not afraid to ask for things.”

“And you are.”

“I just feel like I’m burdening people when I ask for things.”

“You can ask me to do whatever you want and I won’t feel burdened.”

                Him Chan smiled and nodded.

“Can I ask for something now?”

“Anything.”

“Can I can kiss you again?”

                YoungJae let out a small laugh and took Himchan’s lips in his again. This time when they pulled away YoungJae continued to kiss the rest of Him Chan’s face and down his neck. He could feel how Him Chan tried not to laugh. He continued to kiss down his shoulder and reached his arm. He planted small kisses on every one of his scars.

“YoungJae.”

“Hmm?”

“Will you stop biting your nails, for me?”

“Only if you promise to try and stop cutting for me. If you have the urge to do so, call me and I’ll be here to distract you from that urge.”

                Him Chan smiled and a small “I’ll try.” Left his lips.

---

wooo 5000+ words of pure nonsense that i've been working on for a while and it still didn't turn out how i  wanted it to. but really this is nothing of what i planned. pretty much this is word vomit from three 45 minute sessions of writing. i just wanted to finish this as fast as possible but i never seem to be in the mood to write recently even if i have ideas. maybe i'm just too exhausted when i get home from school.(University is a ).