Are You There God?

Sehun is a child. That’s what he’s been told his whole life—he’s a child.

Stop whining, you’re such a child. You’re too young to be thinking about these kinds of things, you’re just a child. Leave these things to the adults, Sehun. You’re a child, Sehun, you’ll grow out of it.

Then one day, everyone looked at him like he was all grown up. They told him to decide what he wanted to do. And Sehun is so used to everyone else telling him what to do, that he panicked. He didn’t think, not really. And now he feels like the child that everyone always told him was.

He eavesdropped on his parents, just before the meeting with the mysterious men in suits. He stood outside their room and pressed his ear to the door.

“…can't be serious. That’s not luck, that’s freaky, that’s what it was.” He father said.

“Don’t talk about your son that way,” His mother scolded, and Sehun felt like he’d swallowed ice. They were talking about him?

“Look me in the eye and tell me that you’re not the least bit bothered by this,” his father said. “A clean shot, from fifty yards away? That’s unnatural, it’s weird, I don’t know how much more of this I can take!”

“Why don’t you grow up?” Mom said coldly. “Your son is being called a hero.”

“Is that what they call it these days?” His father scoffed. “I can barely look at him.”

Those words will stay with Sehun the rest of his life. He cried himself to sleep after he heard it, and he didn’t look either of his parents in the eye the next day. The men in suits told Sehun that he had a gift, one they could help him with. But he would have to leave home to do it. At the time, leaving home sounded good, but now he’s wondering if he was too hasty.

He’s on a plane to Seoul, where he’ll be living with eleven other people. He has about eight bags of stuff packed, but it feels like it’s not enough. He’s never been away from home for more than a week, how is he going to live somewhere totally new? Maybe he could do it if he was with his family, but…

But his father hates him now. His mother is more forgiving, but he doesn’t want to stay only to have her grow distant as well. He’d rather make a clean break, go with his memories of happy times and never think about the bad.

‘I can barely look at him.’

Sehun grips the arm rests of his chair so tightly that he leaves behind nail marks when he disembarks.

In the elevator, Sehun almost turns to the guard on his right and says that he’s changed his mind. Almost being the keyword. Because he’s two minutes away from seeing his new home for the first time and he thinks it’s a little late to be changing his mind now. There’s only four people in the elevator, Sehun and three guards, but thanks to the bags the elevator is really cramped, and the closer they get to the fourteenth floor the closer Sehun gets to completely losing it. But it’s crowded and hot, and Sehun doesn’t want to cause any more trouble. So he keeps his mouth shut and stubbornly does not cry. If he ignores how much it hurts, eventually it will go away.

Somehow Sehun manages to walk down the hall and keep a straight face when one of the guards knocks. He counts down from thirty in his head, and gets to thirteen when the door opens. A short boy with round eyes steps back to allow everyone in, then turns around and yells, “Suho!! The new kid is here!”

‘The new kid,’ is that going to be Sehun’s name from now on? He wants to go home.

But he steps inside anyway, hoping to god it’s not obvious that he’s shaking. He glances around, taking in the spacious living room, large sofas and giant TV, and the huge window with a fantastic view of the city. He skims over faces, too nervous to pay attention, until one boy walks up to him.

“Hi, Sehun,” He greets. “I’m Suho.”

Sehun freezes and his heart stops for a few seconds. He loses his grip in the suitcases and they tumble to the floor. He thinks he should probably close his mouth.

Suho frowns. “Sehun? Are you okay?”

Sehun’s heart starts beating again, double time, and some emotion he doesn’t want to think about builds in his chest. Desperate to say something, Sehun blurts the only thing he can think of.

“A-are—Are you an angel?”

It’s like the world stops. Someone starts laughing, Sehun can feel himself blushing and he wants to turn around and get right back on the plane. Then Suho smiles pats Sehun’s arm.

“Half angel,” he says teasingly. He flutters his wings and Sehun has to stop himself from clutching his chest. At least he didn’t say the other thing on his mind—‘You are so beautiful.’

Suho picks up the bags that Sehun dropped. “Nobody else knows how to keep their closets empty, so you’ll be sharing with me. I hope that’s okay.”

Sehun thinks he never wants to leave.

The first night is so awkward. Sehun is introduced to ten other people, trying in vain to remember faces and names while he kept stealing glances at Suho’s wings. He can remember Kris because of the arm, and no way is he going to forget Suho, but an hour after he arrives he accidentally calls Kyungsoo by Minseok’s name and almost dies of embarrassment. Then when it’s time to go to sleep, Sehun finds out that he would be sharing not just a room with Suho, but a bed as well.

“There are other rooms,” Suho says apologetically, “But this is the only room with closet space, or someone who doesn’t mind sharing. If you’re uncomfortable I can kick Baekhyun into Jongdae’s room or—”

“I’m okay,” Sehun says a little too quickly, “Are you sure you don’t mind?”

Suho shakes his head and smiles again. Sehun’s heart flip flops in his chest.

“I don’t mind at all,” Suho says. “Just…if I steal the blankets or something, shake me awake and I’ll give them back. And if you need anything at all don’t be afraid to ask.”

Suho does end up stealing the blankets, but Sehun never wakes him. He lays straight as a plank the whole night, his arms stiff at his sides, and he wakes up tired but happy he hasn’t done something dumb, like treat Suho like a teddy bear and snuggle him the whole night.

But the next night Suho tells Sehun not to worry about bothering him and just sleep normally. Sehun is really tired, so he takes Suho’s advice. The next morning he wakes up with his face buried in Suho’s chest, Suho’s wings are wrapped around his shoulders. Sehun wonders if this is what heaven is like.

It’s only been four days, but now he and Suho go to bed with their arms draped over each other’s waists, and they talk for a while before they go to sleep. With every word that comes out of Suho’s mouth, Sehun feels like he’s falling in love.

Sehun doesn’t miss the jealous looks that Tao gives him each night, when Sehun is curled up under Suho’s wings as they watch a movie.

‘You don’t understand,’ Sehun wants to tell him, ‘I need him.’ But then he would have to explain why, and he just can’t do that.

Kris helps him practice. There’s a shooting range in the basement of the apartment—not the basement on the blueprints, but a secret basement, accessible through the secret elevator in their apartment.

“There’s a lot of secrets going on here,” Sehun tells Kris the first time they go to practice.

“Everyone has secrets,” Kris says. He beckons Sehun into the elevator and shows him a small pad on the wall. “Put your thumb here before you press the button. It will only respond to one of our fingerprints. Go on and try it, let’s make sure it works.”

Sehun does as he’s told. After a few seconds he pad lights up green, and Kris pushes the button for the basement.

“That’s one problem taken care of,” he says as the door slide shut. The elevator starts to move, and Kris points at a red switch. “You flip that if you want the elevator to stop.” Then he flips the switch.

The lights dim and Sehun’s heart races. Kris steps closer to him.

“Did Suho tell you that I can sense people’s emotions?” He asks calmly.

Sehun gulps and shakes his head.

“Well, I can,” Kris says. “Look, you don’t have to be scared of us, okay? Let’s just get that out there, we’re not out to hurt you. We’re a team, and we protect each other.”

Sehun relaxes and turns to face Kris. His robotic eye glows slightly in the dim light.

“That being said, I know there’s something you’re not telling us. We’re not here to judge you. If you’re honest with us, it will only help us to keep you safe.”

But Sehun shakes his head. “Everyone has secrets.”

Kris actually smiles. “Yes, I suppose so. But some secrets only serve to hurt more, the longer you keep them.”

Then he turns the elevator back on, and Sehun feels like he’s in Inception. Once they get to the basement, Kris asks which weapon Sehun is most comfortable with. He almost says bow and arrow, then stops himself.

“I want to learn to use a gun,” he says. “Can you teach me?”

Kris nods. “We’ll start with a hunting gun, one you can fire lying down. I find it easiest for beginners.”

Sehun’s only been living with everyone for two weeks when Yixing is kidnapped. When Suho tells him why, he’s disgusted. He can’t help but to wonder if those monsters in the van would have eaten Yixing’s heart right then and there, still warm from his body. Then he gags and runs down the hall. Sehun’s only been this violently sick once before in his life, and he tries not to think about why.

He knows Suho will be there, right behind him, and he wishes he could be alone. When he’s done puking his guts out he collapses on the tile floor and waves his hand in Suho’s direction, that he’s okay.

Suho kneels next to him and brushes his sweaty bangs back. “It’s a lot to take in,” he says tiredly. “I’m sorry I didn’t warn you. I thought…I hoped I would have more time.”

Sehun sniffles and turns his head into Suho’s palm. His emotions are like a tornado, he feels scared and disgusted and helpless. But the longer he lays on the floor, the more he wonders just what the hell he’s gotten himself into. This place is crazy, and he wants to go home.

Suho’s thumb brushes his cheek lightly. “Sehun, it can’t be comfortable down there. Come on, let’s get you to bed. I’ll bring you some water, or maybe ginger ale, if you would prefer?”

Sehun looks up. Suho is exhausted, there are dark circles under his eyes, and he looks…old.

“I can get it myself,” Sehun says. He pushes himself up and the room doesn’t spin—always a good thing. He smiles in Suho’s direction, hoping his breath doesn’t smell too repulsive. “I’m okay, really. It just…it shocked me, but you don’t have to baby me, really.”

Suho nods, but he looks doubtful. He helps Sehun to the kitchen, and when Sehun finishes his ginger ale Suho suggests that he go lay down. Sehun agrees to do so, but insists on walking himself to his room. He falls into an uneasy sleep, and when he wakes up a few hours later Suho is next to him, one wing draped over Sehun’s shoulders.

The day after the attempted kidnapping it’s back to business as usual, except that now for some reason Lu Han is moving all his stuff into Minseok and Yixing’s room. Sehun and Kris go down to the basement to train, and Sehun stops Kris when he takes out the same rifle they’ve been using for a week.

“I want to learn to do something useful,” he says. “When Yixing got kidnapped, I just stood there. I want to be able to help if it ever happens again. Can you teach me to use a handgun?”

Kris slowly puts the rifle away. “Okay,” he says. “Sehun are you feeling alright? You look a little pale.”

Sehun’s stomach is in knots, and now that he knows Kris can sense emotions he tries not to outright lie. Is lying an emotion? He doesn’t even know. “I didn’t sleep well last night. But I can do this!”

Kris sighs. “Alright.” He picks up a small handgun. “This is the kind of thing police officers would use on the job. The thing you have to be careful of is the recoil. With a rifle you absorb the recoil with your shoulder and your core, with a handgun it’s all your wrist. I’m not worried about your aim so much as I am worried about you handling the power behind the thing.”

“I can do it,” Sehun says again.

Kris gestures toward the targets, saying something else, but Sehun stops him again. “I want to work with a different target.”

Kris gives him a hard look. “Which one?”

Sehun gulps and points to the sheets of paper with an outline of a human body printed on them.

“No,” Kris says firmly.

“Yes,” Sehun says, his voice shaking.

Kris gives him an ‘Are you kidding me’ look. “No.”

“Yes,” Sehun says again. He wonders if he has a death wish.

“Absolutely not!” Kris says and now he sounds pissed off. “You’re not ready for that, I can tell. If you keep it up I’m going to call off this practice altogether.”

“Then I’ll come down here on my own,” Sehun tells him. “And I’ll do it without you.”

Kris looks deadly. “Excuse me?”

“You heard me,” Sehun squeaks. He clears his throat. “I’m not scared of you, you can’t tell me what to do.” His voice gets smaller and smaller as Kris stares at him incredulously.

“You’re obviously scared,” Kris says, taking in the way Sehun is quivering. “And actually I can tell you what to do.”

“The elevator will take me here,” Sehun says. “You can’t keep me out.” Kris looks ready to protest again, and Sehun grabs his arms and shakes him. “WHY WON’T YOU JUST LISTEN TO ME?!” He shouts. “I need to do this, I have to! I have to be ready!”

He’s pretty sure he’s just ruined his chances, so he’s shocked when Kris gives in.

“Alright.”

Sehun drops his hands and steps back in shock. “What? Really?”

Kris hands him the handgun. “Let’s go work on your posture. God, why do I feel like I’m going to regret this?”

Kris makes him do a few practice shots in front of their usual bullseye target. Once Sehun has gotten a handle over the recoil, Kris reluctantly lets him stand in front of the human shaped target.

“If you want to shoot to kill, it’s best to aim for the head,” Kris tells him. “The heart as well, but that’s a little harder. If you want to incapacitate, aim for the legs, hips, arms, or feet.”

Sehun nods and tightens his grip on the handle of the gun. His palms are sweaty and his heart is racing.

Kris stands back. “Whenever you’re ready.”

Sehun takes a deep breath and raises the gun, pointing it directly at the printed head. In a real life situation, he wouldn’t have this kind of time to prepare himself, and he’s aware of that, but right now he needs this time. His arms are shaking and each breath feels far too labored. His vision starts to blur, and he almost lowers his arms.

‘Focus,’ He commands himself. He can’t shy away from this, this is his life now. He steadies his arms and clenches his jaw. He remembers Yixing in the back of the van, his piercing shrieks that Sehun can recall oh so clearly. He remembers Minseok cradling Yixing to his chest, begging him to calm down for the love of god.

He remembers a little girl, her dress torn at the shoulder, sitting on the ground. Tears drip down her cheeks and she sobs, “Mommy, mommy…”

Sehun fires the gun, and he keeps firing. Even when there are no more bullets, just the click of the pin, he pulls the trigger again and again and again until Kris wrestles it away from him. Kris stares at him, confusion all over his face. Sehun looks at the target. All his shots hit the printed human figure right in the head.

‘I can barely look at him.’

Sehun falls to his knees and the world goes dark.

He woke up hours later in his and Suho’s bed. Suho was sitting next to him, and he looked so worried.

“Sehun-ah, what happened?” He asked. “Kris said you threatened to go back to the practice room without him, what was so important about this that you had to do it?”

Sehun didn’t answer, he didn’t know how.

That was two days ago. In the time since then, Sehun has slept for around 40 hours, and when he’s awake he cuddles up under Suho’s wings and tries not to cry. He’s so confused and he feels so helpless, he has so much that he wants to say but he doesn’t know how.

Everyone comes to see him and try to get him to say something. After the first day they come and try to make him eat, but Sehun refuses all food. It worries them more than his silence. By the evening of the second day Suho is refusing to leave Sehun’s side. Sehun doesn’t know if he’s grateful or exasperated.

Suho kneels next to the bed, one hand laced with Sehun’s and the other his hair. In that moment Sehun us grateful for Suho’s presence, it helps him to not think too much.

“I wish you would eat,” Suho tells him. Sehun makes a face and shakes his head.

“Please,” Suho begs, “Honey, you have to eat something. You’ll get sick at this rate.” He lays down on the bed next to Sehun. “What do you want? Is there something special I can get you? Anything at all, you just name it, I’ll make sure you get it.”

Sehun shakes his head.

“Ice cream?” Suho suggests. “Or cake? What about strawberries, you like those, right? I’ll get you strawberries.”

Sehun shakes his head again.

Suho sighs and leans his forehead against Sehun’s. “You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to,” he whispers. “I won’t make you talk, I just want you to eat.”

Sehun’s heart breaks. Suho cares too much, and Sehun knows he’s hurting him.

“I’m sorry.” The first words he’s spoken in two days.

Suho looks at him in shock. “Sorry?” He repeats. “Sehun, why are you sorry?”

“I made you worry.”

Suho gives him a weak smile. “I’m always worried, it’s my job.”

Sehun gulps and he squeezes Suho’s hand. “Hyung can I ask you something?”

Suho nods. “Of course you can, you can ask me anything.”

In a tiny, tiny voice, Sehun asks, “Is God real?”

He holds his breath while he waits for an answer. Suho looks surprised, then sad. “I wish I knew.”

Sehun exhales sharply. “You…you don’t know?”

Suho shakes his head. “I’m afraid not.”

“B-But you’re half angel!” Sehun protests, “You must know, or have some idea…”

Suho looks away. “I’m half angel but…I never felt like it. My dad was an angel, my mom was human. He only stuck around for the first year, then he disappeared. I have no idea what happened to him. There are others like me, all with similar stories. We don’t know if there’s a god, or heaven. Some believe that God must be real, if angels are. Most refuse to think that way, the existence of angels doesn’t prove anything. Lots of religions around the world believe in winged creatures, they aren’t necessarily directly related to God, though. We really can’t say, one way or the other.”

Sehun feels like he’s got rocks in his stomach. It’s hard to hide how disappointed he is. “What do you think?” He asks. “Do you believe God is real?”

“Honestly, some days I do. And some days I’m not sure.” He sighs heavily. “Days where everything goes right, where everyone is happy, when I watch the sun rise over the city, when I get to fly, then I believe in God. When Yixing gets kidnapped, when I think about the suffering in the world, when the people I love are hurt…then I’m not sure.”

Sehun nods. It makes sense.

Suho pets his cheek. “What brought this on?”

“It’s something I’ve wondered about for a while,” Sehun mumbles. He looks up and he wants to cry when he sees the tender look that Suho is giving him. Sehun feels like he could tell Suho anything, and he wouldn’t judge, or be disgusted.

“I’ve always had really good aim,” Sehun blurts, “I was on a baseball team when I was a kid, and I was always the pitcher. We won a lot, most of the time because of me. As I got older, my dad…my dad taught me to play darts, and basketball, and soccer. He bought me an archery set for my tenth birthday—a real bow and arrows, and a real target. He took me to lessons, and I was so good. Archery is…I love it, and my dad was so supportive of me. Last year I started going into the woods by my house to practice, because I could put the target further back. A few weeks ago I was on my way home when I heard screaming. I could tell it was a little kid, and I knew there was no time to go for help, so I started in the direction of the screams. I thought maybe it was an animal attack so I stayed low to the ground, trying to be sneaky. When I got closer I…I saw this little girl being dragged along by a man. She was crying and trying to get away, and he pushed her down on the ground and started to take off his clothes. I grabbed my bow and an arrow…and I shot him. I got him right in the back of the head.”

He takes a moment to compose himself. He remembers the little girl staring at him, her dress covered in blood spatter. Somehow he managed to walk her to a place with better cell service, and hold it together while they waited for the police to show up. As soon as they took the little girl away, Sehun had started to cry.

“The police told me that I was a hero,” Sehun whispers. “They said…they could connect this guy to the and murder of five other little kids, boys and girl, over the last year. They found a loaded gun on his body, in his pocket. But no matter how much I try to convince myself that I did the right thing I keep asking myself why I didn’t shoot him in the leg, or the stomach, or any place besides the head.” He wipes at his eyes—he doesn’t know when he started crying. “I did the same thing in target practice the other day. I didn’t think I’d be able to do it…shoot a person again. I was going to quit, but then I thought about Yixing and that little girl, and I shot…I fired the gun until it was empty, and I nailed it, right where the head would be. And then…I overheard my parents talking before I left. My dad said he could barely look at me. My dad is…he’s my hero. He’s always loved me so much but…I’m a murderer now.”

“Sehun, no,” Suho breathes, but Sehun talks over him.

“I agreed to come here because I didn’t want to live at home anymore, but…I don’t know if I can stay. I don’t know if I can kill someone again, and I don’t know if I can avoid it. Maybe I’m just…a killer.” He wipes his eyes again. “I guess it doesn’t matter anymore, I’m already going to hell.” And then he turns his face into his pillow and starts sobbing.

“No, no, baby,” Suho croons, pulling Sehun close. He holds Sehun to his chest and rocks him, patting his back and whispering to him, “It’s okay, sweetheart, don’t cry. Listen to me, you’re not the monster here, you’re not the bad guy. Sometimes you have to make hard choices, sometimes you have no other option. Those people who tried to kidnap Yixing the other day, I killed one of them. I’ve killed before, and I will do it again. And I don’t like it, not by a long shot, but when I’m in a situation where I know that if this person gets away they will only continue to try to hurt me, or my friends, or innocent people, then I have no choice but to shoot to kill. It doesn’t mean that I’m a murderer, or going to hell. You did save that little girl, and you are a hero. What if, with a nonfatal shot, that man had hurt you? Or that poor girl? He had a gun, he could have used it on you.”

“I didn’t know he had a gun,” Sehun mumbles. “And I killed him anyway.”

“You did the right thing,” Suho says fiercely, “Thanks to you, that girl is okay, right?”

Sehun nods slowly. “She was shaken…but he didn’t hurt her.”

“It was justice,” Suho says. “You protected her, and you avenged those other little kids. People like that are sick in the head, Sehun. There’s no hope for them on this earth.”

“But it’s not up to me!” Sehun cries. “Only God can decide who lives and who dies!”

Suho is quiet for a few minutes. Sehun clings to him, half wanting to continue to argue for his own guilt, and half hoping that Suho will convince him otherwise. Suho is so good, so caring and honest, his very name means guardian. Sehun needs for Suho to tell him that everything will be okay, but he’s afraid to believe it.

“You want to know what I think?” Suho asks. “I think that no matter what, God is understanding and merciful. I think that God understands that humans can’t wait for him to exact justice. I think that some of us are here to exact that justice for him. And I think that you won’t be going to hell for what you did to that man. And if you stay with us, the people you will be faced with will be criminals, terrorists, those who would look at people like me, and Kai, and Chanyeol, and see monsters. We’re trying to keep this world safe for humans and non-humans alike. I resolved any conflicts I had with this job a long time ago, we all did, and now it’s your turn. It might take some time, I understand that. You didn’t go through the same training that the rest of us did, so you deserve some extra time to come to terms with this. But if you can’t, and if you truly want to go home, we won’t stop you.”

Sehun panics and buries his face in Suho’s chest. “What if I don’t want to leave?” He asks, “What if I can’t kill people but I can’t leave either? I don’t want to leave, not anymore. I miss home but…but I don’t think I can ever go back.”

Suho tilts Sehun’s chin up. Sehun can barely make out his face through his tears.

“I would never kick you out on the streets,” Suho tells him. “You will always have a home here, damn the Agency if they think they can make you leave. If you want to stay, then you’ll stay. I’ll make sure of it, one way or another.”

Sehun’s heart slowly begins to piece itself back together. “You would do that for me?”

Suho wipes his tears, and soon Sehun’s vision begins to clear. He can Suho’s smile, his beautiful smile that Sehun already loves, and he looks tearful but sincere. “Of course I would,” he says. “You’re part of our team, you’re our friend. And to be honest I’m very fond of you.”

Sehun holds Suho’s hands. “Thank you, you…you really don’t know how much it means to hear you say that.”

Suho links their fingers together. “Sehun…do you want to pray with me?”

His heart leaps. “I-I haven’t prayed since I shot that man,” he admits.

Suho squeezes his hands gently. “Now is as good a time as any. I’ll help you, if you need it.”

Sehun takes a few deep breaths. He closes his eyes, and bows his head, and after a few seconds he feels Suho’s forehead against his.

“Whenever you’re ready,” Suho says.

Sehun clears his throat. “God…are you there? I have something I want to tell you…”

This turned out to be a lot heavier than I had originally thought it was going to be. I don’t usually write about religion, I don’t even know which EXO members are especially religious. They don’t seem to broadcast it like some other artists do (coughSIWONcough), or maybe I’m just not paying attention. Either way that's their business.

Well anyway, since I plan on someday actually writing the team doing SOMETHING RELATED TO THEIR JOB, I figured a topic on the issue of killing people was due. I know that can be done without bringing religion into it, but this idea came to me and this seemed like a great way to take advantage of Suho being Nephilim (half angel), something I haven’t done much with up until this point.

I think I’ve had enough sob stories though, I’ll be writing Taoris fluff next.

PS I'm not an expert on firearms and I wasn't about to google that stuff. The little bit that I know is from 5 days of riflery lessons at summer camp 6 years ago.