I sat ramrod straight in bed, a cold sweat clinging to my body and shivers racing up and down my spine. Another nightmare I couldn’t remember. Another sleepless night. They had been happening more and more often recently. I could never remember what they were about, but I was beginning to get nervous they could mean something. With a sigh, I glanced at the clock. 4:15AM. I let out a groan and flopped back on to my bed, staring at the ceiling for a bit before throwing the covers off and rolling out of bed. No point in going back to sleep now, so I might as well prepare for the long day ahead of me. After putting on a pot of coffee and taking a quick shower, I slipped into some jeans and a white blouse before checking my phone.

                /1 new email: From: TS Management.

                                                Subject: B.A.P Thursday Schedule:/

                I let out another sigh as I browsed the novel length email. Really. This company works its staff as hard as its idols.

                Around five, I grabbed a thermos full of coffee, my purse, and keys and headed out the door. A driver was waiting to pick me up. I hopped in, just as my phone rang.

“Hello?”

“Jagi!” I yanked the phone away from my head, ear slightly ringing thanks to the scream from the other end of the line.

“Himchan! Are you trying to deafen me?!” I snapped into the receiver.

“Sorry babe. Where are you?”

“I just got picked up. We’re on our way to pick you up right now. “

“Good. The maknaes are refusing to get up. We need help.” I grumbled under my breath, sipping at my coffee and wishing I had a bigger thermos.

“Have Dae jump on them or something.”

“Tried that. Jongup just shoved him off the bed and curled up in a ball.”

“Cold water?”

“Gukkie hyung doesn’t want to mess up the sheets.” I lolled my head back on the head rest behind me.

“Alright. Get their things ready. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

“’Kay babe. See you soon! Love you.”

“Love you too, Channie.” With that, I clicked the phone off and sat back, grumbling the rest of the way to the dorm. I swear, I work with a bunch of five year olds. When I arrived at the dorm, I ran upstairs and pounded angrily on the door.

“She’s here!” I heard Himchan yell from the far end of the dorm. The door opened right away and I was greeted with Yongguk’s gummy smile.

“Hey Guk-oppa. The maknaes still asleep?” I asked, stepping into the dorm the six of them shared.

“Yeah. In their room. Yongjae tried to wake them up and almost took a shoe to the head.” I let out a sigh, handed Yongguk my thermos and made a bee line for the room the two youngest shared.

“CLAIRE!” I was tackled from the side in a crushing hug. “You’re here!” I groaned, gasping for breath around the grip.

“Channie! Down!” Himchan’s grip slackened as he pressed his thin lips to my cheek.

“Sorry babe. I’m happy to see you is all.” I smiled at my puppy like boyfriend. He was grinning ear to hear with that infectious smile he had.

“It’s good to see you too. Now let me go get the babies up so we can get this show on the road. We have a busy day.” Himchan nodded and let me off to wake the stubborn children up. I crept quietly through their door to see them both sprawled out on the beds, still in their PJs. I smirked. I really do enjoy this part of the job. I took a deep breath. “FANGIRLS IN THE DORM!” I yelled at the top of my lungs. Jongup and Zelo screamed and fell from their beds. “Now get up and get dressed before I beat you both to next Wednesday.”

“Noooonnnnaaaaaa,”Zelo groaned, face down on the floor. Jongup looked up and me and smiled, sending me a small wave.

“No, Junhong. We don’t have time for this today. The others are all ready. Now get up and get dressed.” The boys started to move around so I headed back to the den. “Have you boys eaten yet?”

“Yeah,” Himchan said as he fixed his hair in the mirror in the hallway. I swear, the man cares more about his looks than I do. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Yongguk shaking his head.

“Is something the matter, Gukkie-oppa?” Yongguk locked his eyes with mine, taking a quick glance at Himchan.

“No. Everything’s fine. What’s on the schedule for today?” I hesitated before pulling out my phone.

“Um…First, we have a meeting with the photographer who will be doing the photo shoots on Friday and Saturday morning, then a quick Q&A interview for an American magazine. There’ll be a translator, though I don’t know why since I speak English as my first language…Anyways. Then there is rehearsal for your show on Saturday.” By this time, the other two had stumbled out of their room and into the den. “Great! Let’s load up!” Daehyun and Youngjae came bounding out of their room and out the front door.

“Noona, we haven’t eaten yet!” Zelo whined.

“Well, whose fault is that? Your hyungs tried to wake you up, and you threw a shoe at them. Grab a poptart and a water bottle. You can eat in the car.” The two of them groaned and grabbed their food before heading out the front door, followed closely by Himchan and his nagging. I shook my head at my mother hen of a boyfriend. With a smile, I looked back over at Yongguk who was leaning against the counter, staring at the floor. “Gukkie?” He looked up at me quickly. “What are you thinking about?”

“Ah. It’s probably nothing. Let’s go.” He handed me my coffee and moved quickly past me, leaving me standing alone in the dorm. Something’s up, I’m just not sure what. With a sigh, I followed the boys out of the dorm and down to the car.

The day, though it was long, went relatively smoothly, and now I found myself in B.A.P’s practice room as they prepared for their concert on Saturday. After a powerful end to Hurricane, the boys all collapsed onto the floor, panting. I stood up and brought water bottles over to all of them.

“Noona, I’m hungry,” Daehyun poked my arm and I rolled my eyes. 

“Jung Daehyun, you are always hungry.”

“Doesn’t change the fact that I’m hungry.”

“I’m hungry too noona,” Jongup said before gulping down half of the bottle I handed him.

“Hm. Gukkie, what do you want to do for dinner? It’s after 10. Most shops will be closed now.” Yongguk nodded as he wiped his face. I felt someone grab my hand and I yelped as I was yanked into Himchan’s lap. He nuzzled his face in my neck and I yelled.

“Ew! You’re sweaty and gross!” I pushed against his chest, trying to get away.

“That didn’t stop you the other night.”

“KIM HIMCHAN YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH!” The boys around us chuckled as Himchan kept trying to kiss me and I kept trying to get away.

“Ew noona.”

“Shut up Junhong,” I barked, finally breaking free of Himchan’s grasp.

“We have ramyun at home we can fix. And we can get some meat on the way. Or have another manager get it for us,” Guk voiced, getting up to start putting things away so we could head home.

“Okay, I’ll call Minsoo and get him to get some. He should be up still.” A fifteen minute car ride, thirty minutes of showers and a phone call later, I was setting out a platter of grilled beef and a large pot of ramyun on the dining table. “FOOD IS DONE!” It was almost as if Daehyun materialized out of thin air, he was at the table so fast. I stared at him in slight disbelief. I really don’t think he is entirely human. Not long after, everyone else was at the table, except Himchan.

“Thank you noona!” Youngjae said. “We’ll eat it well!” I smiled at him. Youngjae was always the most normal around me and I found it refreshing.

“You’re welcome Jae. Hey, Yongguk oppa. Where is Himchan?” Yongguk gestured back towards the room he shared with Himchan, mouth too full to speak. “Okay.” I went back to find him and bring him to dinner. “Oppa?” I opened the door quietly to see Himchan curled up under his covers already. “Channie?” I walked in to their room and over to his bed. “Himchan? Are you asleep already?”

“No.”

“You should come eat. You haven’t eaten anything since those crackers at ten this morning.”

“Not hungry. I just want to sleep. I’m really tired.” I stared at him for a bit. Something was really up. Himchan enjoyed eating almost as much as Daehyun.

“Are you feeling alright?” I sat down on the edge of his bed and touched his forehead. “You aren’t getting sick are you?” Himchan grabbed my hand off of his forehead.

“No. I would just rather sleep. I’ll be fine. I’ll eat in the morning.” He smiled up at me, pulling me down for a kiss. “Are you staying here tonight?” I shrugged.

“I can. But I didn’t bring anything to change into.”

“You can use one of my shirts. Top drawer is where my t-shirts are.” I nodded and stuck my head out to let the boys know I would be spending the night. They all called out in acknowledgement before I closed the door and changed into one of his shirts quickly. I sent a quick text to my friend and fellow manager Hyunjae, telling her to bring some clothes for me to change into tomorrow before she met up with us to take B.A.P to makeup for the photo shoot. ‘ I ain’t your personal servant’ was the response I got back. I chuckled, knowing she’d bring clothes anyway, before I climbed into bed with Himchan and we both dozed off for the night.

 Friday morning rolled around all too quickly and we were all woken up to the sound of the doorbell. Himchan groaned and snuggled into me. “Jagi, make it go away,” he groaned. I giggled as his breath tickled my neck. I guess nobody moved to answer the door because few seconds later, the doorbell started ringing incessantly. I let out a grumble, detangled myself from Himchan’s arms, and stumbled my way to the front door. I yanked it open to glare at the girl on the other side.

“Hyunjae, I swear to God I am going to murder you violently one day. Why the hell are you here so early?” She snorted and threw the bag of my clothes at me before pushing past me into the dorm. I closed the door and followed her.

“Claire, it’s almost nine. We have to have B.A.P to make up by ten.” She started moving around in the kitchen, getting things out to fix breakfast.

“What?! When did they move the time? We weren’t supposed to be to makeup until 11!” Hyunjae just shrugged.

“Got the email at one this morning.” I just stared at her before running off to change and wake the boys up. Twenty minutes later, everyone was dressed and eating.

“I have to make a phone call.” I looked up at Himchan as he stood from the table. “Don’t wait on me. If I’m not back in time, just clear my food. I’ll eat it later.” I watched him as he walked out into the hallway before looking over at Yongguk. He had that same look on his face from yesterday, but he lost it as soon as he saw me looking at him, replacing it with a smile.

“Well, let’s get this show on the road.” He picked up his dishes, taking them to the kitchen and was quickly followed by the rest of the band. I sighed and cleared mine and Himchan’s spots at the table.

On the way down to the car, Hyunjae grabbed my arm and pulled me back, letting the boys get ahead of us. “Yo, what’s up with Himchan? I’ve never seen him turn down food. He hardly ate anything this morning.”

“I know unnie. He didn’t eat dinner either. I’m a little worried about him. But then again, maybe he’s snacking when we aren’t looking at him.” I watched the boys playing with each other on the way to the car.

“I don’t know. I hope that’s the case. He needs to have his strength for the concert tomorrow.” I nodded before following the boys out of the dorm and to the car.

I went back to my own place after rehearsal that evening, much to Himchan’s dismay. He whined the whole time I was getting ready to leave.

“Yah, Kim Himchan. I can’t stay tonight. I have too much to do to get you ready for tomorrow. You have a lot to do tomorrow and I have to get it all planned out.” I leaned in and pecked him on the cheek. “Go eat and then go to bed. You have a busy day tomorrow and you need your strength.” I smiled at him, called a quick goodbye to the rest of the boys and headed home. I hadn’t made it three steps out of the dorm before my phone buzzed. I didn’t even need to check caller ID to know who it was. I answered it, quickly talking into the receiver. “Yah. Go to bed you idiot.”

“Babe I miss you.”

“I literally just left.”

“Yeah, but I miss you whenever you aren’t here.”

“Who’s been teaching you these things? Go to bed and I’ll see you in the morning, bright and early.” I clicked end, cutting off his whines from the other line. Being in a relationship with this diva was draining sometimes. But I love him anyways. I smiled to myself the rest of the way home.

Saturday morning rolled around after another nightmare plagued night, this one worse than previous ones, and the whole time I was getting ready to meet B.A.P I couldn’t shake this awful feeling I had. Something was wrong, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. I pushed the feeling to the back of my mind. I think Jongup noticed that something was on my mind because he kept asking me all day if I was feeling alright. I would just smile and nod before shooing him off to do whatever it was he needed to do. The photo shoot ended without a hitch and we all headed over to the venue for this evening’s performance. I kept an eye on Himchan the whole time, trying to see if he was eating anything, but not once did I see him so much as nibble on a cracker.

“TEN MINUTES UNTIL WE START REHEARSAL!” the director of the concert yelled through the head set.

“Aish!” I hissed as my ear rang. I walked into the dressing room to tell the boys to go get into position and they all headed off to stage side. I grabbed Himchan’s hand on his way out. “Channie, hold on a second.”

“What is it Claire?” I took a careful look at Himchan’s face. He looked pale and his face looked thinner.

“Are you feeling okay? Seriously.”

“Yeah, I feel great!” He smiled at me and pecked my nose before slipping out of my grip and running to catch up to his band mates. I crossed my arms as I watched him go, the sinking feeling in stomach getting worse. Shaking my head, I followed the boys to the stage. About two songs in, Himchan started stumbling a little. I watched him regain his balance and smile at Daehyun who was looking at him with concern. Something wasn’t right. Himchan looked far too tired and pale for having only done two songs. He was sweating way too much too. Not long after that stumble, my heart stopped as he collapsed onto the floor.

“HIMCHAN!” I screamed, running out onto the stage. The boys all stopped dancing and moved to see what had happened. I already had my phone out dialing for an ambulance. I knelt down next to him, checking his pulse. “Himchan! Oh my God, please wake up!” His pulse I felt was weak and fluttering and his breathing was shallow. Not too much later, I could hear the sirens outside and the yelling of the EMTs as they ran to Himchan’s side. They tried to get me out of the way and Yongguk and Jongup finally had to drag me away as the paramedics wheeled Himchan out to the ambulance. “Let me go! Himchan!” I was near hysterics as Yongguk turned me around and held me tightly to him, trying to get me to calm down.

“Claire, you need to calm down. He’ll be okay. You need to get yourself under control.” I tried to push away from him, but to no luck. Finally, I gave up and went slack in his arms, crying. “It’s going to be okay. Let’s go meet him at the hospital. Hyunjae can handle things here.” I nodded and we all ran out to the van to head over and meet Himchan at the hospital.

“I should have noticed. I should have done something. I could have stopped this.” I was muttering to myself the whole way.

“Noona?” Zelo touched my shoulder. “Notice what noona?” I looked over at his big brown eyes.

“I should have noticed his wasn’t eating. I don’t think he’s eaten more than a few crackers in three days.” My voice cracked and I fought to keep from crying again. Zelo was silent and stared at the floor for the rest of the ride.

“It’s not your fault. We should have noticed too.” Youngjae grabbed my hand, squeezing it gently. It was then that we pulled up to the hospital. We all jumped out and ran inside.

“Where is Kim Himchan being treated? How is he?” Yongguk asked and Daehyun held on to me.

“Kim Himchan…” the nurse typed at the keyboard. “Ah, he’s in ICU right now, he hasn’t stabilized yet, but when he does, he’ll be moved to room 153. A doctor will be out to see you when he is stable. Have a seat until then.” ICU. Oh God, the ICU. I started shaking and held tighter onto Daehyun. He lead me over to the seats and sat me down as the rest of the boys came to join us.

“He’ll be okay, noona,” Jongup said, patting my head. I just stared at the ground, trying to keep from going into hysterics.

Two hours later, a doctor came out looking for us. He said that Himchan had stabilized, and the result of his fainting was due to a lack of eating for what appeared to be several days. He was underweight and malnourished.

“He was asleep when I left the room, but he can have visitors. Feel free to go and see him.”

“Thank you doctor.” Yongguk lead us down the hallway towards his room and the only thing keeping me from bolting to Himchan’s room was Daehyun holding me tightly. When we got to his room, I nearly cried. He had an IV in his arm and was hooked up to several heart machines. He also had what looked like a feeding tube in his nose. Daehyun finally let go of me and I ran over to Himchan’s side, grabbing his hand. It was colder than it should be.

“Himchan. Can you hear me? We’re here, Himchan. All of us.” The boys all gathered around his bed, taking turns talking, but I never left my spot or let go of his hand.

Several hours later, the doctor came back and said visiting hours were over, and that he could only allow one of us to spend the night. The boys all agreed to let me stay, saying he’d like to see me the best when he woke up. After saying goodnight, I pulled a chair up to Himchan’s bedside and started playing with his hair.

“Why did you do this to yourself? You’re perfect Himchannie. You don’t need to change for anyone. You’re not fat. You’re not overweight. Please, you need to be more kind to yourself. You’re perfect.” I laced my hand through his and laid my head on his bed, dozing off. I was woken up later that night to someone petting my hair. I looked up at saw Himchan smiling at me.

“Morning sleepy head.” Choked back a laugh, sitting up off of the bed.

“Himchan. You’re awake! How do you feel?”

“Like I was hit by a truck.” He chuckled softly and I couldn’t help but smile. He was okay and that was all that mattered. “…I’m sorry.”

“Huh? For what?”

“For this.” He gestured around the hospital room. “I must have scared you all pretty bad.” I nodded.

“Himchan. Never do this again, okay? You don’t need to change anything about yourself. You are perfect the way you are. You don’t need to starve yourself, okay?” He stared at the foot of the bed, refusing to look at me. “Kim Himchan. Look at me.” He glanced up at me, holding my eyes. “I love you. Babyz love you. Your brothers love you. We all love you just the way you are and you don’t need to change a damn thing about yourself to fit anyone’s expectations, okay? I mean it when I say you’re perfect.” Himchan’s eyes started to water.

“I’m sorry. I…I’ll remember that now.” He looked back up at me. “Help me remember that? I have a tendency to forget.” I smiled and stood up, kissing him gently.

“I’ll help you remember for the rest of our lives. I promise. I can start right now.” I pressed my forehead to his. “Kim Himchan, you’re perfect.”

~~~

Okay, I'm an awful writer. I've severely neglected my VIXX story and I'm behind on updates for my Super Junior story and I'm so sorry about that, but honestly, inspiration struck so hard for this story when I read about Himchan being insecure about his weight and dieting hard core. It made me really sad to read, so I wrote this! I hope you guys like it. Let me know!

~F0rever15

​*Images are not mine