Life is cruel-in many ways; it twisted things in an unexpected way. I wonder if that’s why people always told me to expect the unexpected. So what happened after I left a note for Kris? –The note that he never got to see it, the note that I came back to retrieved it because I was not ready to let go, because I was coward who is not ready to face the reality. Call me stupid, desperate, or a coward but I just couldn’t let go. 

After that night, we became Friends. Yes. Friends. We became closer, we hang out more, and we got closer because we’re friends. I was too naive indeed to think they no longer have any feelings toward each other. Maybe that’s why I introduced Luhan, my other best friend to Yuri, maybe that’s why I kept my expectations high, maybe that’s why I kept dreaming instead of thinking. Maybe my enthusiasm was too obvious, maybe that’s why my friends found out that I have taken a liking to Kris, but nobody bothered to neither speak out loud nor tell him. To be honest, I was ashamed, not because of Kris, but because I have taken a liking towards my best friend’s ex or rather the guy my best friend love. Remember people says that the higher you kept your expectations, the more pain you will feel in the end when it come crashing down. I guess I was too stupid to realize that until one drunken night when we were out partying a friend’s birthday and Yuri got drunk. She ended up spilling everything she had in mind, she ended confessing how much she misses Kris, and she finally realized that she love Kris. She also pushed me away when I tried to help her walk since she was too drunk to walk, she rather get a help from a classmate.

That was when I can’t help but hate myself-I am an embarrassment, I love my best friend’s boyfriend and even tried to get an advantage of their breaking up as a reason to become closer to him. I thought that’s why my best friend pushed me away because she is disgusted by me. After that night which ended with me going home first since I have a morning class, I found out that they are back together, at first I despised the idea, not because I wasn’t happy for them, yes, a part of me is jealous but what can I do? It’s not my business. I was upset because Kris is being tossed around like a toy, first he was discarded and now she picked him but what if one day she leaved him again? I don’t like that. Not one bit, but Kris seemed so happy, he smiled, and he laughed wholeheartedly. That’s when I realized, it hurts like hell to see them together, but as long as he’s happy, I’m happy. His happiness is my happiness even if he’s with someone else. Luhan told me to confess to Kris, but I was a coward. I know Kris, he doesn’t care. Yes, to others he may seem cold, expressionless, boring, rude, ruthless, violent, but in my eyes I saw his caring for Yuri, him doing small things for her, him taking care of her, him fanning her when it’s too hot, him blocking her from the piercing sunlight, him piggybacked her when she was too tired, him trying to calm down when he was angry at her, and him coming back to her no matter what.

One nerve to strike, that’s all it needs to crush his self-control, I can understand why he was beyond furious when he found out I had introduced Luhan to Yuri, or the fact that I have secretly loved him for a long time and even tried to become closer with him but is it entirely my fault? Yes, I was stupid; I fall for a moody, expressionless, and violent guy who never returned my feelings. That day marked the end of my friendship with him, he almost slap me, if it wasn’t for Luhan who yank his hand in time. Yes, it must have been shocking for him to know that, he must have felt betrayed or maybe he too was disgusted of me.

“Stop talking to me, you disgusted me, ”

I promised not to cry, but it all broke down when I heard my friends gossiping with each other, how desperate and pathetic I am to do such a thing, yes it hurts, but what hurts more was my best friends were also in that circle throwing remarks at me around even with a best friend’s lover. It’s pathetic, to love someone who would never love you back. I reminded myself that and tried to keep a distance between me and the couple in order to protect myself from the hurtful scenes. I tried, I really did, but all my effort came crushing down when me, Luhan, and he had gotten a scholarship abroad, I was happy. My families were beyond contended, Luhan was also excited. However, the day at the airport was a disaster, everyone cried and congratulating me, Luhan, and Kris. I found it weird since everyone was just talking how much of a I am not too many days ago how could they be that ignorant? However, I was in no place to judge them, I don’t understand them at all.

Life at the dormitory was rather peaceful and relaxing regardless the amount of work we had to do. We-Luhan, me, and Kris shared a rather big apartment considering we were still a college student. I chose to ignore him and stay inside my room all the time, and if not I’d be at the café near the sea with Luhan and that’s how I adopt a habit or liking to write and read. If Luhan was busy, he’d get me a new book to read in my room. We eat apart or to be frankly, Kris eats alone. Luhan was still angry at him for almost slapping me, even if it’s been months since that happen.

Spring, autumn, and summer passed by and the chilly wind of winter came in. Luhan had to leave for a while as he is going to spend his Christmas with his family in Beijing and as well as introducing his boyfriend, Sehun to the family. I was happy for my best friend, for him to find love even though his lover was a guy. However, society doesn’t think the same, they were cruel to both Luhan and his lover, and they judged the couple harshly, calling them names because they were gay. That’s was the first time everyone at school saw me snapped, it was apparently shocking to them because I had been always very quiet and conserved and not talking to anyone beside Luhan.

“So what if they are gays? Straight, Bi, or gay, they are still human beings-meaning they are a part of this community, a part of this ed up world, a part of this race or species. Did you say they were disgusting? Let me tell you one thing, YOU are disgusting and cheap because you insulted your own kinds, you degraded yourself, you stoop THAT low, so YOU have no rights to say anything because YOU are a jerk. Yes, they are gays but they have stood up for other people, they have helped others who are in need, they have forgiven and forget others, while YOU didn’t do that, instead YOU judge them before knowing them. I’m disgusted by all of you, you think you know better? Well, guess not because I can tell by the way you talking just now, educated people won’t talk that way or behaved this way! I’m so fed up with all of you judging people. Let me tell you, if my best friends here or other people who you have judged harshly commit a suicide and self-harm noted that it is your faults. They have done that not because they were cowards but because of all the stress you were putting them through. I’d be ashamed if I was you because I wouldn’t let my laugh be the source of pain to anyone, and if all of you have any brains you would have realized how much your actions or words have affected them!”

I stormed off dragging Luhan and his Lover out of the halls with just that, that day we ended up skipping the classes and goes out to have some ice cream. I have grown more accustomed to the couple after that and we (Me, Luhan, and Sehun) became best friends.

As winter kicks in, Luhan left for Beijing with Sehun, I had nothing to do and stayed at home. As I was walking out of the room to the kitchen, I saw him. He was reeking of alcohol, looking really pale, his hair was disheveled and out of place. He looks pitiful. As if he sensed someone was looking at him, he looked up to meet my eyes. It felt...weird, his eyes were no longer looked cold; they were displaying the pain that he felt inside.

“What do you want?”

“Nothing”

He asked and I replied shortly while walking back into my room, locking it in the process. Those eyes were scary yet pitiful. I walked out of my room again that evening only to find him in a bundle of blanket with beer cans scattering all over the living room. No. It’s wrong, all wrong; he was supposed to be happy when I left him and Yuri.

“Get up, the Kris I know isn’t like this; tell me calmly what had happened?” I calmly approach him as I put the brewed tea on the table.

“Sh...She broke up with me, saying that the long distance thing didn’t work. It hurts too much.”

Yes. Kris, it hurts too much, almost unbearable.

After he sobered up, he decided to start anew. We started talking as friends again, I can’t help but thinking back to those times, this time I will make sure to secure every romantic feeling I have towards the guy, afraid that it would once again ruin our relationship.

Luhan was against the idea at first, but he softened later after some persuading saying that it’s only friendship nothing more or less. However, we were closer as times passed by, until...

04/08/20XX

We hereby to invite you to our wedding

Kim Nana & Wu Yi Fan

Do you ever notice that once things started to go right in your world for once, Life started to demolish it completely...

Cherish your life, your loved ones because you never know when they will leave you. Sometimes it takes only 24 hours for Life to snatch away your loved ones. Sometimes today, this hour, this minute, this moment could be the last time you ever saw them.

Taking things for granted, chasing perfection instead of cherishing what you have. You will lose yourself while trying to search for that perfection.

And Likewise,

Patient Kim Nana, Date of Death: 11/04/20XX, Date checked in: 04/04/20XX, Cause of Death: Severe Asthma that leads to Lung Cancer.

You Never Know what’s going to happen?