TRIGGER WARNING for anxiety in the beginning.

---

"If you lend a helping hand,

Then I will follow willingly."

- Epik High, Maze

---

          I wake up the next day to loud, impatient knocking on my hotel room door. I can usually sleep through pretty much anything so imagine exactly how noisy and obnoxious the person behind the door is. Whatever it is that he or she wants, it better be something concerning national security for waking me up at 7am on holiday.

          I make my way to the door half-awake, my eyes not open wide enough to distinguish what’s before me yet and when I open the door all I can see is a blurry figure and a fuzzy spot of orange.

          A shocked gasp from that person beats me to saying anything (which is probably better, because what would come out of my mouth surely won’t be pleasant to hear), making me wonder if that reaction is a result of my state of undress, but before I can process anything else, the unwelcomed guest almost shouts with a terrified voice: “You’re here!”

          Sometime between the obvious statement and me trying to come back with a snarky reply to match the stupidity of the remark, my sight eventually becomes clear, only to find that in front of me is none other than Donghae. A very pale, panting and slightly trembling Donghae; a Donghae who looks like he just saw a ghost. Maybe if I had a soul, I would be sympathetic enough to let him in and ask what’s wrong. However, I apparently don’t so I choose to yell at him for waking me up.

          “What the are you doing here?! Do you know what the time is?!”

          Donghae flinches, but he then starts mumbling incoherent words. “I don’t understand … you were … I SAW YOU! IT WAS YOU, I KNOW IT WAS YOU!” He starts yelling halfway through while also moving his hands around like a madman and he even starts sweating. Holy , he’s having a panic attack!

          I quickly pull him inside and sit him on the bed, to avoid having him go unconscious on the corridor, and I kneel in front of him on the floor. He’s violently shaking and breathing shallowly by now and I’m not sure if I’ll be able to pull him out of it. I must try nonetheless so, gathering all my patience and mustering the most gentle tone of my voice, I start talking to him softly.

          “Donghae,” I call and he snaps his head up to look at me with agitated eyes. “Donghae, you need to calm down, okay? Take deep breaths and relax.”

          “I c-can’t … I … you …”

          “Hey, concentrate on me and nothing else, alright?” Donghae shakily nods. “Okay, good. Now breathe in and out with me,” I instruct and start taking deep breaths to guide him. He tries to follow me, but his breathing is too jerky and his heart is beating so fast that I can hear it loud and clear. Damn it, this is not working! I bet he’s still thinking about whatever got him in this state. I need to distract him.

          A spark of sudden inspiration blooms in my head and even though I dislike the idea and I’ll probably regret it later, I think it will manage to calm him down. Sighing, I get up and lie on the bed then I pull Donghae down to rest on my chest.

          “W-what -?” he jerks away, but I settle him firmly, with his ear just above my heart, hoping that my steady heartbeat will soothe him.

          “Donghae.”

          “Yes?”

          “What do you love most?”

          He looks up at me dumbfounded. “Why all of a sudden?”

          “Answer me, Donghae,” I insist and turn his head to its original position.

          “I … I d-don’t know,” he mutters and then remains silent for a while. He eventually answers after a few minutes: “My family … I love my family most.”

          Ew.

          “Alright, close your eyes and picture your family. Are you doing it?”

          “Yes.”

          “Perfect! Now tell me about your family.”

          Donghae exhales deeply and I notice that he already started to relax. “My family is everything to me. My parents are loving and caring and I respect them very much. Even though their wishes and views of life are often total opposites of mine, I try to follow their lead and please them, because I know that they only want what’s best for me and it’s the least I can do to repay them for everything they’ve done for me.”

          Listening to Donghae talk about his parents, with so much sincerity and pure love, makes me uncomfortable and I wish he would stop, but on the other hand, he completely stopped shaking and his voice turns steadier the more he talks; I don’t dare brake this new found serenity. It makes me wonder how’s it like to have something that makes you happy just by simply thinking of it, something that brings you peace of mind … something to live for.

          “I also have an older brother. His name is Donghwa and he’s my best friend. There’s not a single problem I have that he can’t solve. He’s my guardian angel. Donghwa is married now to a lovely woman. They have a baby girl named Yoona who I simply adore and towards whom I feel the need to protect, just like Donghwa always protects me.”

          Huh, who would’ve thought he has a special spot for children? This guy is like the perfect man. Has he no flows at all?

          “What about your family?”

          The question surprised me so, that I raise my head to look at Donghae with absolutely nothing to say. He’s now completely calm, no traces of anxiety left, but he doesn’t move away from me. Instead, he looks back at me expectantly and there’s something in his eyes that doesn’t allow me to rudely tell him to mind his own business.

          I turn my head towards the ceiling and swallow the lump in my throat which appeared at the mention of my family. I haven’t thought of them in a very long time. “My family … is dead.”

          Donghae sits up and looks at me with a guilty expression painted on his face. “I’m so sorry, Hyukjae! It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me …”

          “Shut up,” I roll my eyes and pull him to rest on me again. “If I didn’t want to tell you, I would’ve simply told you to off.”

          Donghae mutters something that sounded like “sorry” and surprises me once again by slipping his hand in the one I was holding him with.

          I let out a heavy sigh before starting to talk. “I never had a good relationship with my parents. They were overly protective and I needed freedom. I was a troublemaker, always defying their power and worrying them.” Thinking back now, I realize that they were just trying to protect me from the difficult times that our country was facing. But I was too busy being an angsty teenager to notice it. “They didn’t want me to be a dancer and that was what drove me away from them the most. I also had a sibling – an older sister; she was the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen and she was always patient with me, always listened to what I had to say without judging. She was more than a guardian angel to me … she was a goddess.”

          The memory of my sister brought tears to my eyes without me noticing and I decide this is the farthest I’m going to talk (or remember) about my family.

          To my relief, Donghae says nothing. We lie together in silence, basking in the comfort of each other, and before I know it, Donghae falls asleep soundly on me. I consider the rough morning he probably had and the hand that still holds onto mine, even asleep, and I realize that I don’t want to ruin his slumber. I, too, go back to sleep, to compensate for waking up unusually early.

 

~~~

 

          “So … are you ready to talk about what happened? You know, without having another panic attack?”

          Donghae groans and buries his face in his hands, embarrassed. “Sorry about that.”

          Cute.

          I lie on the bed again on a side, facing Donghae, and prop my upper body on the elbow. Donghae continues to sit cross-legged and tries to busy himself with pulling the sheet under him neatly. His clothes are a little crumpled from sleeping in them earlier, but the color is back in his cheeks and he again looks like the extremely attractive male I had dinner with last night.

          We woke up, after sleeping for three hours, snuggled together, and after lazing around the bed for another half an hour I decided to call room service to bring us breakfast. Fortunately, neither Donghae nor I are the type of people to make things awkward so we ate breakfast in bed like it was the most natural thing to do after waking up together, none of us mentioning anything abnormal about that morning. Well … maybe just Donghae reminding me that I’m only wearing a pair of boxers.

          “Aren’t you going to get dressed?”

          “What for? You were all over me earlier anyway so what does it matter now?”

          He continued to eat without answering. Honestly, I think he secretly enjoys the view if the ogles he sends me at times are any indication.

          After picking up the leftovers from breakfast and disposing them on the table, we resumed our places on the bed. Now I’m dying to know what got him so anxious earlier and what brought him here in the first place, which is unusual for me considering I’m not a curious person by nature.

          “How did you know how to handle it?” Donghae asks, still playing with the sheets.

          “I used to have panic attacks all the time at some point in my life, believe it or not,” I shrug. “My sister had many techniques to calm me down and I remembered that one.”

          “Oh … she seems like a wonderful person.”

          “She was. Now quit stalling and tell me.”

          Donghae eventually turns his attention to me and takes a deep breath. “Ok, but first I want to make something clear.”

          “Shoot.”

          “I’m not crazy.”

          I look at him suspiciously, one eyebrow raised. “You don’t pass for a madman to me, but that’s exactly what a crazy person would say.”

          Donghae frowns. “I’m serious. You won’t believe what I’m going to tell you.”

          “Try me,” I challenge. I’ve had my fair share of ridiculous happenings, most of them coming precisely from myself.

          “Okay, here I go,” Donghae sighs. “I couldn’t sleep much because I’m jet lagged and at around 5AM I was wide awake. I decided to go to the beach to see the sunrise and so I did. I arrived just in time to see the sun coming out of the sea. After that I decided to take a stroll along the beach before going back. So far, so good. Now comes the crazy part.” He stopped for a few seconds to make sure I was following his story line and then continued. “I wanted to take a last look at the beautiful view of the sun, but when I turned around my attention was caught by something else – there was someone rowing a boat in the distance. It was far, but I could clearly distinguish who it was.”

          “So … who was it?”

          “Hyukjae … it was you,” Donghae says, his voice almost a whisper.

          “It was me,” I dumbly repeat. “Are you sure?”

          “Yes!”

          “One hundred percent sure?”

          “Even more than that!” Donghae says with finality. Noticing that I’m too shocked to say anything, he continues. “It was you, but you looked a lot different.”

          “How?”

          “You were a lot skinnier and very pale. Your hair was disheveled and your clothes were crumpled and even torn in some places. I couldn’t see your expression because your head was turned away from me, but you seemed pretty … dead. Not dead as in deceased, but dead as in blank, emotionless; spiritless. The boat was strange too. It looked like it could break any moment.”

          Oh, no. This can’t be …

          “Hyukjae, say something,” Donghae says in a meek voice. Poor guy ... now I understand why he looked like he saw a ghost: because he really saw one; my ghost.

          I always thought that my dreams feel very real and now that this happened, I’m sure of it. What other explanation is there? Donghae literally saw me out there!

          “Hyukjae?”

          “Was there anyone else with me in the boat?”

          Donghae looks taken aback by the question. He warned me that I’ll question his sanity, but I’m asking him serious questions instead. “No, you were alone …”

          “Strange,” I mutter.

          “You don’t think I’m crazy?” Donghae finally asks, very shocked.

          “No, Donghae,” I reply. Should I tell him about my dreams? He’ll want an explanation eventually and I don’t think I can get out of it without telling him. “Donghae, I have something very strange to tell you. You’ll be the one thinking I’m crazy after you hear me.”

          “What could possibly be stranger than this?!”

          Oh, you have no idea …

          “Promise you won’t freak out!”

          “You’re kind of freaking me out right now …” Donghae says and it snaps me out of my excitement.

          “What the hell am I doing? I shouldn’t be telling you anything!” I exclaim and get up from the bed. “Donghae, you have to go.”

          “What? No!”

          “Yes!” I insist and pull him up as well.

          “No!” Donghae resists. “You didn’t seem scared at all by what I told you so you must know what happened! I want an explanation!”

          “You’re not going to believe the explanation you’ll get!” I say as I start pulling him towards the door.

          “You don’t know that! I believe in aliens, what makes you think I won’t believe anything you’ll tell me?” Donghae fights back, harshly pulling himself out of my grip. By now I’m ready to throw him over the balcony only to see him gone.

          “Donghae,” I growl.

          “Please, Hyukjae!"

          I have never told anyone about my secret. If I tell Donghae now, he would be the first person I open up to since my sister. I got so used to being lonely ... am I really willing to share my life with this stranger I just met yesterday?

          You are apparently, I tell myself.

          “Fine!” I give up. “Sit down and take a deep breath … this won’t be pretty.”

 

~~~

 

          “Wait, let’s see if I got this right …” Donghae says, rubbing his temples and forehead. “You have these dreams in which you row a boat full of spirits and you think they’re real.”

          “Yup.”

          “You’re 105 years old and apparently immortal.”

          I shrug. “Pretty much, yeah.”

          “And you have no soul.”

          “Not sure about that one though.”

          Donghae stays silent for some time, trying to digest everything I told him.

          The part about the dreams was pretty easy. My age and immortality however … that didn’t go so smooth, as expected. Donghae did not believe me (like I told him he won’t) until I showed him a family picture from my 21^st birthday (that dates from 1930 and, consequently, looks exactly how a picture should look at that time (Donghae even googled it)) and until I demonstrated to him that I somehow can’t be hurt by grabbing a knife from the cutlery we used at breakfast and proceeded to cut my arm with it; I even went for the wrist to show him how confident I am that nothing will happen). Donghae squeaked and covered his eyes, but after he didn’t hear a sound from me, he looked at me and my perfectly fine arm with disbelief. I did it once again while he was watching, just to absolutely convince him – nothing; not even one single drop of blood or a tiny scratch.

          After that came the missing soul part, which was a lot easier; after immortality and not aging, a missing soul was piece of cake to believe.

          “So if I kiss you now, you won’t feel anything?” Donghae asked me.

          “Probably not,” I shrug.

          “Let’s make sure.”

          “Wait, what?!”

          And so, Donghae kissed me, slow and sensual, leaving me with a burning desire for more. And I got more. I grabbed his face before he could distance himself and brought our mouths together once again in a deeper kiss. Donghae took a sharp intake of breath, probably not expecting my next move, but succumbed to me as soon as our lips touched and melted against me with a whimper when my tongue slid into his mouth. He took my every teasing flicker willingly, then gracefully curled our tongues together. I could hear his heart beating loud and clear. We were getting out of breath, but I didn’t want to let him go just yet, especially not when he moved his hands and tightly gripped my arms, like he could break down any minute. I slowed it down nevertheless, on his lower lip for a moment before gliding our lips together one last time. I rested my forehead on his and opened my eyes, delighting in the sight of his flushed cheeks and swollen lips. I didn’t even notice that sometime during our heated lip-lock I pushed him on his back and hovered over him. Donghae opened his eyes as well and gave me a smile that I will never, in my whole long life, forget. Damn, I need to get my soul back!

          “So?” he asked after we composed ourselves. “Felt anything?”

          “Does wanting to you until you can’t move count?” I shamelessly replied and, to my utter amazement, Donghae answered “It’s a start.”

          “There’s only one thing I don’t understand” Donghae finally speaks. “If you think these dreams are real, how come I found you here, asleep?”

          “Oh … I didn’t think about that.”

          That really doesn’t fit. I was dreaming I was out there - wherever that is - and Donghae even saw me rowing on the sea … but I was right here, sleeping like a log.

          I frown. “And you said I didn’t look the same either.”

          Donghae nods thoughtfully and a second later he jerks. “I just remembered something! Your hair was platinum blond, not black like now. Even if, let’s say, you somehow managed to get here before me, you surely wouldn’t have had time to dye your hair.”

           "I was platinum blond when I was 20!” realization hits me. “You can’t see it in the photo because it’s black-and-white, but I’m certain I was blond then.”

          Donghae groans and collapses on his back. “There’s a connection between everything you’ve told me, but I can’t quite pinpoint it.”

          “Well, good luck with that. I gave up already,” I say as I get up from the bed.

          I start rummaging through my suitcase for the mini-speakers I brought with me; I could really use some music right now. I pull them out, plug the phone and press play, then place them on the table before lying beside Donghae again.

          The silence is chased away by the music and I close my eyes, singing along in my head.

          “What’s this?” Donghae softly asks.

          “Styx”

          “Oh, this is Styx? It sounds good”

          I hum and we listen in silence for some minutes, until Donghae abruptly sits up. “Holy !” I get up too because of his sudden strange behavior. “Holy , Hyukjae!” he exclaims again with a loud voice. “I figured it out! How did I not see it earlier?!”

          “See what?”

          “The connection, Hyukjae, the connection!” he replies excitedly. He looks like he can explode any second because of whatever he just figured out. “It’s so obvious! How in the world did I not think of this?!”

          I grab his shoulders and slightly shake him. “Donghae, calm down and tell me!”

          “The river you cross spirits across!” he states like it’s the most obvious thing.

          “What about it?”

          “Don’t you see it? It’s the river Styx,” he says and frowns when all I give him is a blank expression. “Don’t tell me you don’t know what that is …”

          I shrug. “A river named the same as my favorite band apparently.”

          “Do you know about Greek mythology?”

          “Only a few gods. That’s why I came here actually – to try and find out more.”

          Donghae shakes his head with disbelief. “The Styx River was the boundary between Earth and the Underworld. The ferryman had the duty to cross souls over the river.”

          “That’s what I do!” I finally catch up with what he’s saying. “Does that mean that I’m the ferryman?”

          “My theory is that, for some reason we have to find out, your soul is a temporary ferryman. The Styx already has a ferryman, though I can’t remember his name.”

          “But how do I get there and take my soul back?”

          Donghae lets out a frustrated groan. “Haven’t you been listening? You can’t go there, because only the dead can go there. And you can’t die! Which also brings me to the other remaining pieces of the puzzle. Styx, the goddess of the river, was known for her miraculous powers of granting invulnerability.”

          “Invulnerability, okay, but what about not aging?”

          “I don’t know about that … it’s the only thing off about this whole ordeal,” Donghae says and pauses thoughtfully.

          Gee, I don’t even want to think of what would have happened if I didn’t accept to have dinner with him. He just deciphered my life in like two hours. I should thank him. Like, right now. But before I can say anything, Donghae looks back at me with pursed lips and a frown.

          “What?”

          “Did you seriously not research at all about this? Not even once in all your years?”

          “I did!” I protest. “But I didn’t exactly know what to search for …”

          “Did you try asking someone with knowledge of these things? Any literature or history student could’ve figured it out if you only said the words river, boat and spirits.”

          Truthfully, I never thought of asking someone. I thought I could make it on my own and if I couldn’t, I would just give up.

          “Alright, you’re smart, I get it!” I snap at Donghae and turn away from him. I could’ve done it by myself … eventually.

          Donghae shifts closer to me and circles his arms around my neck “I did not mean that you are less intelligent, Hyukjae,” he says and apologetically kisses my cheek. “I only meant that you could’ve had your soul back by now if you just asked for someone’s help.”

          “… I’m sorry,” I mumble, locking my arms around his waist and burying my face in his neck. Donghae replies by kissing my head and starting to my hair. “Donghae?” I call and he hums, a shiver running through him because of my breath and lips against his neck. “Why are you doing this?”

          “Doing what?”

          “This. Putting up with me and helping me even though I’m an .”

          Donghae sighs. “Hyukjae, I’m gay.”

          “Yeah, I think I figured that one out when you kissed me.”

          “You don’t get it,” he shakes his head. “I’m gay. You’re attractive. I asked you out for dinner. Why do you think I allowed you to kiss me like that earlier? I don’t let just any random guy kiss me, you know … do I need to spell it out for you to understand that I like you?”

          “Oh.”

          “Yeah.”

          I don’t say anything more and I can feel the disappointment radiating from Donghae, but I don’t want to give him false hope. There's nothing I can do about it, not right now at least. However, I do leave a short kiss on his neck to let him know that it’s not completely one-sided.

          I need my soul now more than ever …