a/n: sorry everyone....

 

Kyungsoo woke up from his deep sleep; his head felt numb, his body was aching, and his heart was pounding ghastly. Despite waking up with such pain, he got out of bed and walked through the hallways as he felt something wrong, like there was something wrong with him.

So, it was one of those days again, he thought.

He left to grab a drink at Starbucks near his workplace.

He saw a boy who was squeezing himself through the crowd of people with a backpack slung over his broad shoulder, earphones plugged in his ears, a beanie to cover his morning hair, and a pair of red worn out Converse.

He’s beautiful, plain but beautiful, Kyungsoo said to himself.

Kyungsoo battled with his thoughts as he laid his eyes on the boy. He liked the way the boy tilted his head to the left just to hide himself in his coat from the cold breeze that harshly blew on his face.

He fled along with the boy following him to a community support group at the town’s hall (which he didn’t know they had). Kyungsoo’s eyes ran wild across the place seeing boys and girls sitting in circles, and the groups were led by either a woman in her early 30’s or a man who seems like he was 40 years old.

Kyungsoo sat to join the circle that the boy was in and waited for whatever event that was supposed to start. Everybody took turns in saying their names and voicing out their feelings. Then, it was finally the boy’s turn.

“I’m Jongin, 16, and I’m dying soon.”

Nobody spoke, but to break the awkwardness, the leader of the circle, Junmyeon, took the initiative to ask why. Jongin replied something that surprised Kyungsoo, for it was unusual for a sixteen-year-olds like Jongin to say such things in a calm way.

“That’s how life is my friend.” Jongin said, and on his face was a smile that angels adored.

No one reacted and remained silent until everyone continued to introduce themselves. Sitting next to Kyungsoo, another boy said, “My name’s Jongdae, 18 and I’m actually very bipolar and depressed. I used to self-harm but I’m okay.”

Wow. This kid couldn’t be more straightforward about his feelings. Jongdae may be blunt but he was just as fragile. As time passed, everybody in the groups stated their fears, issues, and habits except from Jongin. For the next 2 hours, he kept quiet. Jongin only talked when Junmyeon asked his opinions about suicidal teenagers.

“I think,” Jongin began, “suicidal kids are just angels... angels trying to find their way home.”

Soon, everyone left.

 

He’s beautiful, plain but beautiful, Kyungsoo thought.

Jongin walked out the door, welcoming the shrewd world.  He look he didn’t want to go home yet, so he went where his heart told him so. This was how Kyungsoo ended up in an old, abandoned studio where Jongin climbed up the stage and started dancing without music. Kyungsoo had doubts at first, but Jongin was dancing so gracefully, so beautiful, and yet above all, he was dancing with his heart out. It intensified Kyungsoo’s desire to know Jongin more.

Jongin left to go home at 5 p.m. with a Subway sandwich in his bag and a hot hazelnut coffee, since he was freezing.

Jongin lived alone in his apartment, just like Kyungsoo. But Jongin’s apartment seemed to be more organized than Kyungsoo thought it would be. The apartment, painted black and white, left a cool yet mysterious aura. Jongin didn’t have much furniture, but he had a whole cabinet of books. Some of them were poetry books, and some were books that would make you think about certain things. Things about yourself or about why the world is meant to exist, that someday somehow we are all ceased to exist.

Jongin threw himself on the couch and with the remote control; he flicked through the channels that he thought would catch his attention that evening. He fell asleep while watching The Hannibal. Kyungsoo took a closer look of Jongin’s face, watching him sleep. The way Jongin’s face curved while he slept. The way he inhaled and exhaled while he mumbled incoherent words amused Kyungsoo. Even when he’s sleeping, he’s beautiful.

He’s beautiful, plain but beautiful, Kyungsoo said admiring Jongin’s features.

Jongin wakes up 2 hours later and after showering, he started studying Biology. Kyungsoo found the grudges formed on his forehead very cute. Kyungsoo could see that he was really struggling. Sometimes Jongin would wiggle his body, and his face would scrunch up, indicating that he is totally worn out from studying and was completely ready to hit the sack, but still, he studied and Kyungsoo found that endearing.

He’s beautiful, plain but beautiful, Kyungsoo confirms.

When Jongin slept he keep muttering biology facts, making Kyungsoo giggle at how adorable Jongin was. It was time for Kyungsoo to leave. Or probably not? His heart felt heavy as he walks towards the door, just holding the doorknob. He knew that it was time to go home and rest, but little heart squealed that Jongin was too precious to be left behind.

He’s precious, plain but precious, Kyungsoo uttered.

So, he stayed. He plopped himself on Jongin’s bed and slept beside Jongin, letting all the worries in the world go away for once.

Jongin woke up with his face covered with hair that smelled like honeydew. He was shocked to see that somebody was beside him, sleeping on his own bed!

Jongin panicked for a moment, but didn’t move the heavy body over him. He flipped the boy’s hair only to be gifted with a smile made from the heavens. There was a stranger in his bed, but he didn’t care. He caressed the boy’s face and his eyes landed on the stranger’s heart-shaped lips.

He’s beautiful, he’s a stranger but he’s beautiful, Jongin thought.

Jongin grabbed his phone only to be informed that his test would start in less than 15 minutes, which made him realize that he didn’t have much time to get ready at all.

 “, man !” Jongin was vexed.

 Kyungsoo had just woken up from slumber, and he became confused because he couldn’t remember anything at all, yet. As he reached the door, he was pushed by Jongin who was clearly in a hurry. Kyungsoo felt sorry for him; because he knew it was his fault.

“Hey, um... Jongin?” Kyungsoo called while Jongin was arranging his books.

Jongin turned his head towards Kyungsoo and asked, “You know my name? Who are you and what are you doing here?” Jongin bombarded him with questions that have been lingering in his head all morning.

“I’m your angel,” Kyungsoo’s lips carved into a smile.

“Funny, because I thought the same thing,” Jongin said and he heard Kyungsoo let out a chuckle.

“I’m Kyungsoo, and I’m your angel.”

“Look, Kyungsoo, I’m running late so I wouldn’t mind to see you here at my house after 2pm but now is clearly not the perfect time for this,” Jongin said as he picked up his bag and went to the door.

“But, hmm I still want to see you again. Will you come back?” Jongin asked as his hands twisted the doorknob.

“I will because I want to get to know you,” Kyungsoo ran towards Jongin and gave him a warm hug, and then, he smiled while waving him goodbye.

.

They met coincidently for the second time at Kyungsoo’s favourite coffee shop which was three blocks away from Jongin’s apartment. It was raining outside, and two cups of hot chocolate made them feel cozy inside the little the cafe.

“What’s your real name?” Jongin started asking Kyungsoo.

“Do Kyungsoo,” the petite male answered and asking the same question to Jongin.

“Kim Jongin” Jongin said with his husky voice shooting tingles down Kyungsoo’s spine.

Jongin walked Kyungsoo home for the first time. Bodies close to each other, they kept themselves warm from the chilly weather. Kyungsoo offered Jongin to stay but, Jongin had to go. “I’ll come back,” he assured.

.

It was in the middle of July when they met again, Jongin smiling widely waiting for his date (which was Kyungsoo). Kyungsoo, however, was frowning.

Kyungsoo told Jongin that he could be “invisible” for one day unwarily and yesterday he did. He wandered off like usually, finding anybody interesting to follow and catch up with anybody’s life. He followed this one girl who tried to commit suicide and Kyungsoo couldn’t do anything to stop her and it had been haunting him the whole night.

After hearing the story, Jongin dragged Kyungsoo somewhere outside, just across the street where the central park was. It was early in the morning, people were at work and they could only see a few old folks walking around the park.

“Look, life is like this Kyungsoo, reality is like this. Reality, demands to hit at your face. The world is like this. Babies are born and people die no matter at what age, no matter how they die, they have died and you can’t change that Kyungsoo, you can’t change God’s will. But you do have a choice, and you need to live. , I’m no poet but hey, there’s always a rainbow after every rain,” Jongin smiled lovingly at Kyungsoo and he smiled back.

Kyungsoo thanks God for giving him Jongin; he’s amazing, plain, but amazing.

.

They grew stronger with each other’s support day by day. Jongin constantly asked Kyungsoo out to watch movies every Saturday night, and Saturday did became their official movie night. They were fond with each other, showing affection behind closed doors, not wanting anybody to know who they really were. They would spend nights, laying in bed and talking about their secrets, life and worries.

But, some secrets were remained untold.

Hours turn into days and days turn into weeks and weeks became months. Jongin and Kyungsoo had been going out for almost 2 months. It was a pleasant and decent friendship they had, not anything more than that.

Kyungsoo went to Jongin’s apartment happily after 60 days of knowing each other. He had a key to Jongin’s apartment, making it easy for Kyungsoo to barge in anytime he wanted.

Mayday Parade was heard loudly across the room as Kyungsoo stepped inside. Slowly, Kyungsoo walked towards Jongin’s room, to witness Jongin slitting his thighs, blood scattered all over the floor and on his face, but he was singing like a psycho, and Kyungsoo thought Jongin had gotten mad.

Jongin stood up and started dancing while singing, “Kyungsoo, my lovely little Kyungsoo.” Then he collapsed to the ground. Kyungsoo quickly picked Jongin up and drove him to the hospital with nothing but worry in his heart.

While waiting for Jongin to wake up from his deep sleep, Kyungsoo wandered around the hospital halls, and coincidently met Jongdae and Junmyeon. Kyungsoo was told they were brothers with different mothers, and that Junmyeon wanted to help Jongdae to recover by joining the support group.

Kyungsoo asked Jongdae why he thought the kids in school bullied him, and he answered, “Because they’re jealous of what I have. They don’t realize that I didn’t have half of what they have, because they’re too blinded to see and be grateful for what they have, and for that they get jealous of the little things I have.”

He’s strong, young, but strong, Kyungsoo thought.

 

It was that time of the night, he hasn’t done it since he met Jongin, but after knowing about what Jongin does to himself, he just lost it, and Kyungsoo couldn’t sleep at all, as he shoved muffins down his throat furiously like he hadn’t eaten for days. He went to the toilet, lifted the toilet sit up, and put two fingers down his throat, as he threw up all the food. He wouldn’t be satisfied unless he saw blood running down his mouth. After he was done, he flushed the toilet, washed his face, brushed his teeth and went to bed like nothing happened.

This was his dirty little secret that nobody had to know about.

Its tough when you have these abnormal unwanted powers that you have to face every week; it gets worse when you can’t help somebody who thinks badly of themselves when you think they’re the most beautiful person you’ve ever come across to in your life. It was hard, well for someone sensitive like Kyungsoo, it was horribly difficult.

Sometimes, he would break into pieces because of this never-ending hate he has for himself and that he would isolate himself from his friends, from the cruel world. He cringes to Jongin because he believed when there is hope, there is life. He tried to recover from what he had made of himself, but he couldn’t. Fixing himself was like fixing a broken heart; you don’t know which piece to pick and stitch up first. 

Jongin got worse, and Kyungsoo didn’t know why, because Jongin refused to tell him. Kyungsoo left Jongin, because sometimes when you try so hard, to keep someone in your life; you might just lose your grip on them.

He and Jongin needed help but Kyungsoo didn’t know how to save a life, specifically his own, let alone saving Jongin.

Kyungsoo strolled down the busy streets, and tried getting his senses back, but the noises of the chaotic city made him felt totally numb, totally lost within this amidst of sadness. He didn’t know what to do. His legs grew tired, he felt dizzy, and then suddenly his world went black.

As soon as he woke up, his head hurt so badly and he felt like vomiting, and he was totally lost on where he was. Suddenly, Kyungsoo was startled by a familiar face. It was Junmyeon, Jongdae’s step brother. Kyungsoo was relieved; at least he was in good hands because God knows what would have happened to him yesterday?

“Are you okay, Kyungsoo?” Jongdae asked, worry written all over his face.

Kyungsoo tried to answer while rubbing the back of his head, “My head hurts, but aside from that I’m pretty much okay. Thanks for picking me up from the streets last night.” 

“We were worried that hooligans might kidnap you or something. That’s why we brought you to our home,” said Junmyeon with the softest voice and Kyungsoo thanked them once more.

“Are you,” Jongdae began, “really okay? Like why were you walking alone last night? Where is that tall dancer friend of yours?” Jongdae bombarded Kyungsoo with all sorts of questions.

“How did you know he was a dancer?” Kyungsoo asked, shocked because Kyungsoo thought he was the only one who knew that Jongin is a dancer.

Jongdae smiled a little, “We used to be best friends, but something terrible happened and Jongin forgot all about me. It was like he had amnesia or something.”

Kyungsoo suddenly remembered what Jongin told him back then, while they were crashing at Jongin’s apartment, playing video games. Jongin said he couldn’t really remember who he was, nor who his friends were.  He only knew one thing; dancing.

It was a little confusing, Kyungsoo assumes. Jongin told Kyungsoo that he was dying, but Jongin never told anybody why. It was like Jongin was hiding something from Kyungsoo, from the world. Jongdae, ah yes, he must have known why Jongin is dying.

“Because,” Jongdae starts, “that’s how life is.” He carved a smile saying the same words Jongin did.

Kyungsoo threatened to punch him for playing around but Jongdae assures, “He has his reasons, and who am I, nor anybody, to argue with him?”

“He is indeed,” Jongdae continued, “the designer of his own catastrophe.”

Kyungsoo was left in silence as the brothers left him alone to eat at the steak house nearby. Kyungsoo rejected Junmyeon’s offer, saying that he was aggressively not hungry. Kyungsoo was too busy in his thoughts to even feel the slightest bit of hunger. He couldn’t stop thinking about Jongin.

And Jongin got worse each day. There was no day that he will not drown himself with bottles and bottles of vodka. His room would be splayed with sheets of paper, clumsy love poems were written on them. Either they were written with a black-inked pen or dark crimson blood.

Cutting was a vital thing to do on his daily basis. Because Jongin’s a masochist and a sadist of his own pain, and his whole life was made up of pain. Easy game.

But sometimes, Jongin is an optimist at his best, a realist at his worse and a believer above all. He had to fix himself, to learn about himself again. It was hard every ing day of his life. He had bullies pick on him every single day and his parents were so busy working and arguing with each other, they literally didn’t pay attention to Jongin, and he just didn’t had anybody to talked to.

And even worse, Jongin was, is dying.

It wasn’t enough with his pathetic life; God had to give him ing cancer. Bone cancer. The cancer cells were eating up his body until at one point, he cannot even move without the help of a wheelchair, and on top of that, he can’t ing dance anymore. It was totally lifeless for him to just even think about it.

Jongin’s parents didn’t even cared about Jongin, despite knowing that Jongin had been diagnosed with cancer, because they were so busy collecting wealth that they got lost in the abyss of greed. And so, Jongin left. He had enough money to buy his own ing apartment and live by himself in grieve. Whenever he got lonely, he would run to the abandoned auditorium and dance like everybody’s watching. When clearly, he was his own audience. But he didn’t mind because he had no one else to share pain with.

Not until Jongin met Jongdae, the lovely boy who had a smile carved by the angels. Jongdae was a year older than Jongin but that didn’t stopped Jongin from trying to hit on Jongdae. They went out for movies, and soon you know it, they were kissing each other on Jongin’s bed. Jongin was the happiest when he was with Jongdae and it was vice versa for Jongdae too.

But, the thing about Jongin was that, he didn’t really like to share his problems. And Jongdae couldn’t force him either.

But through time Jongdae grew curious, and at one point he constantly urged Jongin to tell him his problems. And Jongin thought Jongdae had crossed the line too far. They were arguing in the car on their way to the beach, but Jongin grew angry and somewhat lost control of the car. Jongin’s car crashed into a truck, and Jongin’s head hit the steering wheel and he went unconscious. Jongdae on the other hand, had his hand all covered by the car’s front window that broke due to the crash.

Jongin didn’t remember Jongdae after the incident anymore. It was painful, and Jongdae wanted to help Jongin remember, but he thought it would be better if he didn’t. And so they became strangers, with unspoken secrets and memories.

The day, Kyungsoo had to witness Jongin’s dirty little secrets was the day Jongin got informed by his doctor, that he had chronic myeloid leukaemia. And goddamn he wanted to cuddle with Kyungsoo and just cry so badly in his arms, but Jongin is not someone who cries in someone else’s arms. He cries alone, just him and his thoughts battling, and in the end, buckets of tears will fall to the ground and blood will flow along. It was against his will actually, he used to promise his best friend, that he wouldn’t harm himself but, it ing hurts. It ing hurts being in pain.

But after the accident, Jongin couldn’t remember anybody he had ever had contact with; it was like he was facing a temporary retrograde amnesia. He tried to remember, but his head just wouldn’t corporate.

Jongin was dying soon, and not even Kyungsoo could stop it.

Kyungsoo went to Jongin’s apartment, only to be greeted with sad music playing behind the door but no one was inside, Kyungsoo knew. Because Jongin is like that, he leaves his iPod playing his playlist of sad songs the whole time he went out, and that still leaves Kyungsoo with millions of unanswered questions.

Kyungsoo knew nobody was home, but he still knocked on the door, hoping Jongin would greet him and hug him like he had been gone for hundreds of years. And as he was about to drag his feet back home, he heard the door opened and there Jongin was, with a cigarette between his teeth and he looked like a mess. But he was smiling, and Kyungsoo missed that precious smile where his eyes will turn to crescents, and god, Kyungsoo just loved him even more.

Jongin was psyched himself to see Kyungsoo in front of his doorstep. He thought Kyungsoo looked like crap with those awful eye bags and messy hair, but he was too in love with Kyungsoo to care. He loved Kyungsoo because he thought Kyungsoo was perfect, but then he saw Kyungsoo’s flaws, and loved him even more. It wasn’t a sin to love someone imperfect, because love makes everything perfect.

It’s never wrong to love. Because after all love is beautiful, plain but beautiful.

And their hugs felt like an eternity long. Both missing the warmness of each other, refusing to let go, they hugged until Kyungsoo thinks it was enough.

And their love was beautiful, plain, but beautiful.

 

a/n: sorry again.....