Do you ever just get hit with the realization that you don't know how to let yourself fall in love with someone- anyone- fully?

Does it make you feel like you're suffocating?

Yoongi finds himself scribbling words onto paper without thinking. It doesn't matter that the clock on his computer reads 3:55 AM. It doesn't matter that Jimin has come in more than once to remind him to come get some sleep, even though the younger is missing out on his own by worrying. It doesn't matter because even if his lyrics aren't rhyming right now he can't bring himself to care- all he needs is for the pressure in his chest to leave, for the sickening feeling of loneliness to quit plaguing his thoughts whenever he's with anyone or no one at all. It haunts him like a ghost, resides in the hollow space where he thinks his lungs would be if he was able to breathe at all lately.

He's never been one to dwell much on relationships, or to seek them out. Whenever he became involved with someone, he would become so overwhelmed with how good it all felt that he would panic. Never, in his 23 years of life, had Min Yoongi allowed himself to fall fully in love with someone. He couldn't. No matter how hard he tried, no matter how much he wanted to give in and let go, he couldn't find it in himself to trust them enough. Whenever he found himself teetering on the edge, blurring the lines between what was comfortable and what he could only ever dream about- he'd become overwhelmed with the sincerity of it all. Convinced that it was a lie, a rouse because no one could love him like that. No one could treat him so sincerely without wanting something in return or trying to turn the tables and turn Yoongi into some kind of villain because if that hadn't happened so many times Yoongi could count the cracks in his heart and give them names. He could remember their whispered words, their soft- sometimes not- touches. It leaves a venomous taste in the back of his throat, one that he hopes he'll choke on some days.

The mistrust lead to his downfall more often than not, Yoongi thinks, because he'd go against his instincts. He'd tell himself that no, this person is different, this person cares. Every time, without fail, it came back to smack him in the face. Yet no matter how many times it happened, he'd always say okay, one more. One more time and it'll be different. He lays awake and wonders, some nights, if it was because he put so much pressure on them to be something no one could be for him. Not without him giving in.

Yoongi just wants someone he doesn't have to give in for.

Someone who isn't going to manipulate him until he's so miserable that he can't function because they claim they can't live without him or that if he doesn't do this or that, he must not have feelings for them at all and god the way he let himself be played makes him sick to his stomach, even years later. Someone who isn't going to pretend to like him, to string him along and try to get him into bed. Someone who won't tell him 'you're right' when he says 'you don't like me the way I like you'. Someone who will hear it as a question, not a statement. Someone who won't shove him away when he tries to cling to whatever friendship could possibly remain after a breakup- one he poured his entire being into because god, maybe this time it could be love- a breakup where the guy had told him the feelings just faded away but that he wasn't upset. Shouldn't that mean they could've stayed friends? Yoongi knows it's because he was too clingy.

Too clingy to the thought of someone sticking around for once- for ing once, god damn how he wished he could go into a relationship without sending them running because what the is wrong with me if I can't even keep them from leaving when they promised not to? When will I be enough?

Cue Park Jimin.

The kid with bright eyes and a smile that melted Yoongi's heart the second he saw it. The kid who gives his all without asking for anything in return, who jumps without asking how high or checking to see what he's jumping into or off of. Jimin carries himself with a sincerity that both breaks Yoongi's heart and makes it soar. He always asks what he can do, how he can improve if he's been scolded- and even if he hasn't- he works until his legs give out and Yoongi has to carry him back to the dorm because even though there are tears streaming down Jimin's cheeks and muffled whimpers of why can't I get it right, hyung? Aren't I trying hard enough? Yoongi knows that the dancer gives his all because he doesn't think he's got much- because he wants to milk it for all it's worth. It makes Yoongi's throat close up a little when he thinks about it for too long. When he sees the exhaustion on the younger boy's face even as he's insisting that he's fine and please, let him work a little while longer- he'll make his hyungs proud- they'll see.

Yoongi wishes Jimin would make himself proud.

Yoongi wishes he had the guts to tell him that.

Yet the rapper finds himself choking on his own tongue whenever he tries to speak to Jimin because the way that he listens to him in earnest, the way he makes Yoongi feel like he's the only, most important person in the world, makes Yoongi backslide deeper into uncovering emotions that he's spent years covering up because he already cares so ing much about this kid that it makes his heart ache and skip too many beats to be healthy. He can't afford to almost fall in love again.

He can't afford it when Jimin crawls into bed with him because it's freezing and even though they've all got blue lips and chattering teeth, or when Jimin reveals that he's brought his blanket too and hyung, please.

He can't afford it when Jimin spends extra time trying to help Yoongi perfect a dance move, or when he absolutely beams at him for getting it correct.

He can't afford it when Jimin comes into the recording studio after practice and fights tooth and nail to keep his eyes open because he wants to keep Yoongi company and make sure that he eats and doesn't spend all night in there, or when he wakes up with drool sticking his cheek to paper and there's a sleeping Jimin curled up on his couch.

And he sure as hell can't afford it now, when he's supposed to be writing for a love song and all that comes out is desperation and sadness. He can't afford that every line reminds him of that sweet smile, the tender hands that rub the knots out of his back, or the strong arms that wrap around him when he's sure no one could see him getting ready to fall apart. When he's so close to tearing his hair out, to crying until there are no tears left to cry and he's simpering to himself, to quitting, to writing the lyrics anyways and rapping them until his throat is raw because he means every word.
Sometimes, when it's late like it is, Yoongi convinces himself that if Jimin were to come back in, he could do it. He could confess his feelings because if there was anyone he could trust it'd be Park Jimin who's all sincerity and hard work and there's no one who could break his heart prettier. He thinks that even if Jimin didn't reciprocate- even if he hated Yoongi or avoided him, it'd be a step up from where he is because he can handle the loneliness, he can handle missing him because he deals with that every day.

He does such a good job of convincing himself, that tonight when the door does creak open he has to do a double take because yes, it is 4 AM and yes that is Jimin dragging himself once more into the room- eyes squinting until they're almost shut against the harsh light of the computer screen.

"Hyung," Jimin's voice is rough with sleep as he rasps, though Yoongi can't help but think it sounds sweet anyways. "You need to sleep..."

"Jimin." Yoongi's voice is shaking and he doesn't care because if he doesn't say it now, he'll say it another sleepless night and he won't regret it any more or any less because as much as he wants it to be reciprocated he wants his heart to break just as badly. He wants to feel something and he wants to let go because he's been holding back for so long.

"Yes, hyung?" Jimin perks up a little bit, rubbing at his eyes with the heels of his hands.

"I," He feels somewhere between nauseous and excited and it's the best and worst feeling he knows. "I need to talk to you."

The boy freezes, dread radiating off of him in waves and the rapper almost feels bad because he knows Jimin is expecting to be scolded or informed of some crime he's committed against his 'favourite hyung'.

"Okay, about what?" Yoongi has to give him props for trying to make his voice sound like he isn't terrified as he sits down on the chair next to his.

"Listen, I know you might get mad, or be uncomfortable with me after this, and Jimin- I want you to know that it's okay and you don't have to pretend to be fine with me to spare my feelings-" And Jimin's eyes are widening by the second, a mixture of fear and something that looks suspiciously like hope- though it might just be the computer screen's reflection and Yoongi's sleepiness playing tricks on him. "-but I can't keep pretending that I don't like you, Jimin."

"Hyung... The staffs only have you tease me so much because the fans like-"

Yoongi starts laughing- it's without mirth and has a sad undertone despite trying to play it off as amusement- because of course, of course sweet innocent Jimin wouldn't jump to conclusions or assume the worst because he doesn't want to believe it.

"I'm serious, Jimin. I like you. I like you and it's okay if-" He catches himself and corrects it. "-that you don't like me back."

And he also can't pretend like he didn't see it coming when Jimin gapes at him for a moment, face a mask of confusion and fear, pushing himself out of the chair with shaky hands, nearly tripping on his own feet on the way while trying-and failing- to hide the tears welling up as he exits the room.

He knew it'd happen. He knew it and that's why he can't bring himself to do anything but smile and sigh in relief because he did it. He told Jimin and even though hot tears are rolling down his own cheeks and a silent sob is trying its damnedest to worm it's way out of him, shaking his chest and shoulders as it goes- he's happy because he's in love even if he isn't loved back- god he's so in love.

He finishes the song within the next two hours and doesn't bother to go back to the dorm when he finishes. He just transfers the lyrics from his notebook to the laptop, saves it and closes it before he's slouching lower in his chair and allowing himself to cry properly for the first time in almost 5 years. He cries until he's lost a reason to cry, and then cries some more. For lost loves, for his ed up relationship with his family, for himself, for Jimin. He cries until he gets light headed and barely makes it to the couch before he's coughing.

It's pathetic and messy and wonderfully painful.

The tears have barely dried on his skin when Seokjin comes in the next morning. Yoongi's eyelashes are matted, but his smile is sincere in a way it hasn't been in a long time when Seokjin asks him if he's okay. When he tells him honestly that yes, he's okay and even when Seokjin doesn't believe him. He allows himself to be pulled into the older boy's embrace. It's comfortable and warm, and he appreciates that the other knows that words won't help. He simply Yoongi's hair and tells him that he can't forget to shower and that he made food last night and that it's waiting for Yoongi- not to worry because Jimin won't steal it and Yoongi has to fight back what he isn't sure is a laugh or a sob at the boy's name.

He doesn't go back to the dorm until he's sure the others are in dance practice, and Namjoon is immersed in writing his own lyrics.

Yoongi showers for what feels like forever and ends up being five minutes. Amazing what happens when a body is so accustomed to short showers that when one is missed, it feels extra long. He eats the food Seokjin left for him and pretends he wasn't a little sad to see it all in-tact. No bites missing. No nothing. Only a prettily written note with his name on it and a 'don't forget to take care of yourself' written on it because as much as it seems like an act to the public, Seokjin really does fill the role of a mother nicely in the dorms, and shows how much he loves all of them every day.
Yoongi wanders into his room and changes into fresh clothes, ditching the towel he'd been sporting in favor of a comfortable pair of ripped jeans and a hoodie- tugging on a beanie until it covers his bangs (he's hit with memories of their debut and smiles a bit because after that he wasn't too fond of wearing a beanie like this for a while).

After primping for more than enough time, considering where he'd be spending his day, Yoongi tramps back to the recording studio- fondly named Bangtan room. Namjoon notices he's acting different, Yoongi knows, but the other simply holds out the headphones for Yoongi to listen to something he tried his hand at mixing and it makes Yoongi smile because Namjoon knows him well. Knows that he'd rather lose himself in music than lose himself in meaningless conversation about things he has no clue how to talk about.

At the end of the day, Namjoon forces him to come back to the dorms and sleep in a proper bed, and Yoongi doesn't complain. He goes to his room and flops down on the bed, staring at the ceiling and thinking of nothing in particular as the other boys slowly trickle in and go to sleep. He counts the specks of dust he can make out floating around in the air, tries to name shapes he sees around the room as darkness plays it's dirty tricks on his eyes as it does to everyone. He wastes his time until he thinks of Jimin and how he didn't see the boy all day.

Yoongi falls asleep with a heavy heart.

The next week carries on with Jimin MIA as far as Yoongi is concerned, always off with Hoseok or Jungkook and never making eye-contact. Yoongi convinces himself that he's okay as he thought he would be with it, and goes on with his own life as well. The other members notice, of course, but none of them say anything because they aren't sure if it was a fight or if Yoongi is in a funk or if Jimin has just moved on to his next play things. Yoongi is grateful for that, even moreso when he can feel the younger staring at him when he isn't looking and he knows Hoseok or Taehyung are flanking him, seeing and then choosing not to.

It's day nine of the days Yoongi swears he isn't counting since he's spoken to Jimin, and he feels oddly weightless. He isn't sure how he feels anymore- the initial happiness from being free has mellowed and the effects of what he can only assume is heart break are upon him but, try as he might, he can't pick them apart from the general apathetic outlook he's had lately. He wonders if he's doing this whole thing wrong. If he should be crying more, if he should be angrier. More than anything, the boy is confused.

He takes out his mixed feelings on the music, layering beats and melodies until it sounds like he feels. The music is raw, and it speaks better than any of the words Yoongi could try to form, be it via thoughts or via speaking and for the first time, he realizes what heartbreak feels like. It hits him like a bullet and for all they write about being bulletproof, Yoongi can feel the wound clear as day.

The rapper doesn't hear when the door opens, doesn't hear his name being called until he can feel someone staring at him and when he turns around he deflates and takes a moment- just to stare- before he's slipping off the headphones and waiting patiently.

"Can I help you, Jiminnie?"

"Hyung, I'm sorry."

Yoongi's heart sinks.

"I didn't know what to do or what to say... I was confused."

'Was', he thinks, smiling sadly. The smile seems to startle the other, and he trips over his words as he starts to speak again.

"I know I've been awful and avoided you but I don't want to avoid you anymore, Yoongi hyung. I miss you."

Yoongi bites back any bitter words that threatened to spill because Jimin is tearing up again and , if there's one thing he does know about love it's that regardless of how you feel, you want more than anything for the person you love to be happy and if happiness for Jimin means Yoongi walking over to him and hugging him breathless, then that's what Yoongi will do.

And that's what he does.

He holds Jimin in his arms as the boy cries. He doesn't care about the salty tears staining his hoodie, or the awkward position his neck is in as he rests his cheek against the other's head. He cares that Jimin, even in his posture, feels so dejected and scared and it's all his fault. Yoongi knows now that he ed up. He knows that even though he didn't care about a broken heart, he should've been looking out for Jimin's. As a hyung, and as someone who loves and cares about the kid. It wasn't fair to dump that on him. It wasn't fair to say it at such a late hour.
It wasn't fair to let him run out, or to let him stay away. He should've known that the looks Jimin was giving him, the longing, pleading looks meant talk to me, why would you do this to me, and please don't pull away from me.

He hadn't even considered that Jimin could be as scared of love as he was. As scared of commitment- even if it wasn't himself doing the committing. It can be just as suffocating when someone is committed to you and you don't want to let them down. Yoongi feels like an and he doesn't even realize he's been saying all of this until Jimin is crying harder and telling him to stop, please because he's scared hyung and why do you have to make it so real? Yoongi pulls back and realizes with an aching heart that it's like looking in the mirror. Jimin looks terrified, exhausted, and all Yoongi wants to do is kiss him. He doesn't, of course, he only pats Jimin's cheek with a hand, brushing away some of the tears with his thumb before dropping the hand down to his side.

"Did you mean it?" Jimin's voice is so soft that Yoongi almost misses it.

"Mean what?"

"That you like me. Did you mean it? Were you just joking or trying to get me to react or trying to make me do more for you because, hyung, I'll do whatever you want regardless of that but please, please don't lead me on."

The words hit Yoongi like a slap to the face and he gapes at the boy because why the hell would someone ever try to use Jimin, why would anyone lead him on? And suddenly his worries about being inadequate, his constant need to please his hyungs makes so much sense and Yoongi wants to punch a wall, punch the people who did this to Jimin, punch himself.

"Of course I meant it." His breath catches in his throat as he feels the familiar sting of tears at his eyes that he's determined to hold in. "I would never lie to you, joke about that, or even dream of leading you on, Jimin."

"Then why?"

"Why what?"

"Why do you- Why would you-" Jimin keeps trying to start his sentence and only ends up being cut off by hiccuping sobs that carry no tears with them but burn with humiliation and grief and misunderstanding nonetheless. "Why would you waste your time on me?"

Yoongi pulls him into a fierce hug, shaking his head and fighting to keep his voice steady as he speaks. "Park Jimin, if there is anyone on this entire planet who isn't a waste of time, it's you. You do so ing much for everyone, you spend time doting on us and tending to us when we can get off our lazy asses and do it ourselves, you leave yourself no free time-" He cards his fingers through Jimin's hair. "-You make me feel like someone is proud of me, like someone enjoys my company and like I matter enough for someone to give a damn. How could someone so precious ever be a waste of time?"

When Jimin kisses him it tastes like salt and Yoongi can't bring himself to care that Jimin's lips are chapped or that Jimin's got morning breath at 4AM as he laughs and smiles into the kiss.

"That's all I've wanted to hear my whole life, hyung."

And Yoongi can breathe again.