A Letter to You

Dear Junhong,

Here’s letter for you, to you. I felt like I needed to tell you about how I feel all this while. Before that, I want to say thank you for that cute stuffed rabbit you gave me. I thought you would have forgotten about my birthday since you were always so busy with your concerts. I love it and yes it reminds me of you because it has the same dense expression you have on every time you are spacing out or doing nothing. Haha!

I hope you are doing well and that you are not stressing your health, both mental and physical. This time BAP is taking a bigger tour around the globe and I am so glad for all of you. I would even say I’m proud, as a fan, as a friend of yours. To be honest, I stalk your concert photos and fan cams and I watch every single interview you guys been on. You must be sniggering right now. Don’t laugh. I just wanted to see Daehyun and Yongguk. Not you.

Anyway. I’m already eighteen and you’re turning eighteen too. Every time I see you on the internet, your pictures and your videos, I feel a sense of urgency, almost a feeling of paid because you’re already doing so well, accomplishing things and getting bigger by the moment but I’m still right here, still one average teenager about to teeter out of the kid-zone only because she’s pushed too. Sometimes I feel stressed out thinking about you. We are the same age but we’ve done so differently in our current lives. But I admire you, Choi Junhong. Even though I’ve never told you this before. You’re awesome. You worked hard for all the things you deserve and I see BAP rising every moment and it makes me really excited. You’re going to be a big star. One day… BAP will be something as big as DBSK, trust me. You guys didn’t take the generic route into the music industry and don’t ever go there, please. If I see you doing conventional idol stuff, those mainstream lovesick songs and dances I’m going to puke and I’m going to bash you up. Zelo must always be rapping badass stuff and be special. Okay? Don’t ever become an average face. Even if BAP were to do love songs, I bet it’ll be special too, right? After all this ranting… I just want to say don’t ever lose the BAP substance. Don’t ever lose your character. BAP is very special. I don’t want to see that disappear.

By the way, I sent you this Eminem Album you’ve always wanted but I don’t know if this letter came first or the parcel…

Anyway, you must be wondering why I wrote you this letter in this time and age and so out of the blue too. I just felt like it’ll be appropriate. Rather than just texting through SNS and stuff.

Remember how we used to text each other all the time? Now we barely talk. I miss it. I miss it bad. We used to chat for hours and never get sick of it. We have so much to say. You would text me even when you’re tired from practice and all. That time when you called me from the hotel in LA having your tour, I was so surprised but I was so happy you did. You said you were bored and needed something to do. Do you know how excited I was when you called me? But that was last year. This year, we seem to have distant from each other. I know you’re busy and all from the comeback and concerts but I can’t say I wasn’t disappointed. I am not too busy, just studying for my final exams and I check my phone a hundred times per day. You hardly text me at all now and I miss that. To be honest, I was really sad when you forget to reply me, even when you apologised. I think I’m selfish because you’re tired and busy from work but all I really want was to hear from you. I feel lonely, Junhong. You hardly have time for me anymore.

You know what? I feel more like a fan writing a fan letter to you now than a friend of yours. 

Are we friends?

You told me you like me. Are we just a little more than friends? I don’t want to sound stupid but I really don’t know. Are we even together? Sometimes I wonder if I’m thinking too much. I wonder if I just like the celebrity you. This is our sixth year knowing each other but sometimes I get scared because I can’t remember clearly the first few years we spent together. All I remember is debuted Junhong and his alter-ego Zelo. And the texts you send me. I feel like I’m communicating with someone that don’t even exist. someone I don’t even know. Someone faraway. I’m just afraid the person I like is just Zelo. But I made friends with Junhong. I don’t even know if you like me or not. Do you? I like you, you should know that. Sometimes, my friends tell me I’m being too desperate waiting for your texts and all. And some of them say I am being desperate and needy because you’re famous now. I’m so scared that they are right. I’m so scared that you’ll just stop talking to me. I don’t know if I’m having an obsession with Zelo or am I just missing Junhong too much. I don’t know. I’m really lost. But, I want to know if that is all between us. I don’t want to hold onto something delusional. 

I’m sorry to be sending this to you when you’re about to have your tour and ending this on a bad note. I just can’t help myself. I don’t have experience in love and I don’t know what is right or wrong. All I know is I think about you everyday and I sound needy and clingy and desperate. I hope we can still be friends if this is a mistake… I’m sorry for being like this. Can we still be friends?

From,

You-know-who.