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In Case We Fall.I convinced myself that I would never fall in love. My sisters, my mom, and all their friends imbedded the thought that I wasn’t pretty enough or funny enough or worth enough. After a while I accepted their way of thinking as my own. It became a nagging shadow in the back of my mind and I lived with it every day because I thought I deserved it. I knew that if my father were still alive he wouldn’t let me go on living that way, but he was gone and I was still where I was.
Just because I knew I would never fall in love didn’t mean I hadn’t twirled the idea of romance in my mind every now and then. Ok. Maybe every now and then is a big understatement. I thought about it all the time. My crippling absence of a social life led me straight into the realm of reading. I fell in love with the idea of love and all the handsome heroes that came to rescue their princesses. Books became a means to escape reality for me. In books, justice was always served. The evil stepsisters were given what they deserved and the beautiful damsel was given what she had longed for for so long: true, innocent, and pure love. For a very long time I put myself in the role of the damsel. I had dreamed that one day my prince would come and all my insecurities would flurry into a pool of nothingness. That dream died when I entered high school.
The teasing and the hate filled comments my mother and sisters made transferred to some of the meaner students at the high school I attended. They called me “fat,” “ugly,” and “worthless.” It hurt like hell, but I skidded my way through high school without a hero saving me. During high school, I turned to books where the female lead was the heroine. They taught me I didn’t need to be saved and that I could save myself. Those books had a negative side effect as well: I shut the world out. I didn’t take the morals of the stories as they were intended. They meant to teach readers that “you don’t need a hero” and that “you can be independent.” My insecurities twisted that into “you don’t need anyone.” But that was really all I needed: a friend. Even if that friendship was a one-sided relationship, I needed it. I denied myself friendship for a very long time during my high school years.
Once college came I felt less bad about myself, but I still felt worthless. There was an abundance of couples and large groups of friends all over campus. I longed for some sort of companionship. My professor, who cared for me more than my mother did, referred me to a book club. I met so many wonderful and welcoming people. Those shadows that crept in my mind slowly shrunk. For the first time I was surrounded by people who liked me. They cared about what I was feeling.
In my beloved book club I met Yuri, Luhan, and Tiffany. They were the best people I could ask for and I loved them to death. Yuri was a law student. She didn’t look like one, but once you heard her talk the determination was there. She had the confidence, the wit, the brains, and the ambition. Tiffany was an American exchange student from California. She was studying art and she was damn good at it. It wasn’t something people traditionally go for, but she had the talent and it was evident that it was going to take her far. Tiffany and Yuri were already friends. They had lived in the same apartment building. Mutual friends made that present to both of them and their friendship blossomed from there. They were the sisters I wish I had.
Luhan was something I can’t quite explain in only a few words. He was painfully smart. His face looked like it was crafted by the gods and his personality mirrored his physical beauty. He was the man I imagined when I read all those books about heroes and their damsels. I wanted to be his damsel. Of course, he had a girlfriend, an absolutely perfect freaking girlfriend. I hated her with every fiber in my soul. She was beautiful, but spiteful. Every one of Luhan and I’s friends knew, but he was forever oblivious.
I can assume you might be thinking, “If she was so perfect, how could her personality be so rotten?” That’s easily explainable. She was beautiful and equally as smart as he was. She behaved perfectly around Luhan. In his absence, her true colors shined. I ignored her like I learned to ignore my family. Since he loved her, I learned to grin and bear it.
Whatever self-deprecating behavior I managed to pick up as a child dwindled in college but still lingered within. It had the power to fold me into a self-hating, insecure mess, but I fought hard every day to keep it under control and tucked away into the little folds of my mind.
Luhan helped with doing that. He kept all the bad thoughts at bay while I was with him. He, whether he knew or not, taught me I had the capacity to love. I was ready to love someone. I was ready to love him, but I didn’t give myself a safety net in case I fell. I was ready for what I thought love was, not for the mass explosion that I didn’t know would follow it.
a/n: So what do you think? I'd really like to know.
To be honest, this a really a spur of the moment thing. What I was writing was just pouring out of me and I couldn't stop it. I'm really drawn to this character and I feel like I have the obligation to help her accept herself. This is the first time I've ever felt this way about a character. I'm drawn to this story. I want to see how it'll play out, so I'll most likely stick with it. If I go back on my promise feel free to nag me until I pop out another chapter. If you're still reading this and you want more, subscirbe, upvote, comment, or do whatever you want to let me know how you feel. I'm not sure when the next chapter'll be out, but I can gaurantee you I won't make you wait too long. If you have any criticism, feel free to drop it my way.
Have a nice day~
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