Fri. June. 27

There's a new boy at our support group. He's afraid of pain too. Well not exactly like I am. He has philiophobia (fear of love) which is kind of the same thing since he's more afraid of the idea of getting heartbroken than actually being in love. 

Well anyway, today during support group Ah Bai asked the newcomers to introduce themselves. When he stood up I had a direct view of his face. He told us what his phobia was then he sat back down. It's funny. I didn't even realize I was staring until he looked back. 

He had this cute grin on his face, and even though I was on the other side of the room I could see that he had a dimple. He ran a hand through his hair and he had a wicked hand tattoo. It was pretty cool, but I'm way to scared to do something like that. 

I would've talked to him, but my medication was hitting heavy. It wasn't even a few minutes that had passed by before I fell asleep in the middle of support group.

Now that I think about it Ah Bai is a jerk for letting me drive home under the influence.

Fri. July. 4

Support group again. It seems like every time this day comes I finally get something to write about. The only action I ever see is there...

Ah Bai had everyone huddle up in the center of the room surrounding his desk, and tell what we're thankful for. 

It's the fourth of july not christmas.

Then Lay came in late, and soaked with rain. We had to work together in pairs today, but he got partnered up with someone else. I was partnered with Ah Bai. Uugh.

Fri. July. 11

I actually talked to him today. I waited until he got there and grabbed a seat beside him. At first it was annoying because the guy sitting on the other side of me has Amathophobia. So he would sit curled up in a ball shaking and shivering with fear. You'd think a support group wouldn't be appropriate for someone who's afraid of dust. 

Well anyway... this time I actually did get him as my partner. Though this time period is usually not productive (I mean come on now how are we in any way helping eachother?)it is a good time for getting to know people. So when I say we talked, we talked about everything. It would have been perfect if didn't act so cautious around me. 

Fri. July 25

I haven't written in a while. To tell the truth I'm kinda angry. He completely avoids me now. And no I'm not just being paranoid. He told me he was going to ignore me from now on. It didn't make sense I've only ever had one full conversation with him. I just don't get what's going on in his head.

Fri. Aug. 1

I freaked out. 

Today at support group I had to partner up with Yi Tai. That had to be the worst combination ever. She doesn't have a phobia like most of the people here, she has OCD. And out of all the types she had to have violent intrusive thought OCD. Just those few moments of sitting gave me the worst attack I've had. At first she was normal, but then all of a sudden she started whispering questions like she was talking to herself. She would wonder about what it'd be like to stab someone, and stuff like that. It scared me so much that I'm shaking now just thinking about it. 

I couldn't get the images out my mind. I could only think of all the situations were that could happen. I could practically feel my heart beating out of my chest. All I remember was being totally and completely afraid. Then all of a sudden I felt two arms wrap around me. It scared me at first. It took a long time for me to calm down, but that person didn't let go and just kept rocking me back and forth. 

Strangely enough that person was Lay. 

Fri. Aug. 8

Lay asked me why I write in my diary. It's funny that nobody else ever noticed me doing that. He said it seemed like writing down all the things that scare me would only scare me more. To be personally honest this helps me. Writing it down is like a release. After I write down what I think it becomes easier to forget it instead of just bottling it up inside. 

He said he could never do that. I wonder is it just him or his philophobia.

Fri. Aug. 15

He's ignoring me again. Each time I get a step closer he instantly draws back. I wonder am I being selfish? He scared of falling in love, and maybe that's what he thinks will happen with us. He must fall fast because I've only known him for 2 months. Then again I know well that when you're scared you see anything as a possibility. 

Maybe I should just back off.

Fri. Aug. 29

I was determined to give him some space today. I avoided eye contact as best I could. Though every now and again when I'd look over at him he'd look sad. Like he was in deep thought. I can relate though. I was in deep thought today too. I can't understand why its so hard for me to avoid him. It seems like ever since my attack he's been on my mind more than ever. I keep questioning and questioning it. But I guess none of that really matters if he's happier with me far away. 

Fri. Sep. 5

I could feel him staring at me. Which makes no sense because I thought he didn't even want to see me. I didn't pretend to ignore him though. I stared right back. 

It's funny because we both had partners in front of us who were talking to us yet were just sitting there looking at each other. The staring contest eventually morphed into a no blinking contest which I'm sad to say he won. When I blinked I actually got to see him smile and I noticed that he has one dimple on his right cheek. So cute. 

I wonder if we're friends again now? He always picks and chooses which days he is and which day his isn't. It happens so often that I'm quite confused.

Fri. Sep. 12

Well today we're friends. He actually sat beside me and we had a very interesting conversation about rocks. Yes rocks. He told me about how when he was younger he used to collect rocks, and how his brother lied and told him that rocks tasted just like chocolate so he ate like a whole handful of them. 

Ah Bai eventually made us separate though because she apparently wanted to have a turn with Lay. I was a little upset because I don't know if we'll still be friends when next week comes.

Fri. Sep. 19

I told myself this week that I would confess to Lay. I was so scared a nervous that I had headaches this whole week. I was sweaty all the time, and that only made me drink a whole bunch of water.

I didn't get around to telling him though. Yes we are friends this week, but every time I'd try and talk to him I ended up having to run to the bathroom because of all the water that I drank. It was so embarrassing, and every time I'd run off to the bathroom he would give me that "are you okay?" look. 

Fri. Sep. 26

I didn't even get to talk to Lay this week. He wasn't here. I ended up being partners with Xiu Yi. That's almost as annoying as Ah Bai. She has a crush on my brother Tao so all she did was ask about him. She would be like:

"Ai I haven't seen Tao in a while is he okay?"

"Ai does Tao like steamed buns?"

"Ai tell Tao I said hey okay?"

I wanted to tell her that Tao doesn't come anymore because he's scared of noise, and she's the loudest person I've ever met. I wanted to tell her that Tao doesn't like steamed buns even though he does. I would've told her that I wasn't going to tell Tao she said hey, but I didn't really want to hurt her feelings so I just nodded my head at all her answers and let her babble on. 

I still wonder why she's here. She doesn't have a phobia or any type of psychological problem. 

Fri. Oct. 3

Lay came today. He gave me a drawing of me that he drew himself. I wanted to run up and wrap my arms around him for a big hug, but he looked uncomfortable enough. Nobody had ever given me anything like that before. He said he's giving it to me because I really like art. I wonder how he knew that when I never told him. 

Fri. Oct. 10

Today was weird. Well actually Lay was weird. He kept asking me weird questions like "Why do you have a ponytail?" or "What made you wear that shirt?". Then he just stared at me for a good 10 minutes. I was actually starting to think that he was losing his mind. 

He told me that these support groups never helped him. So I asked him why he still comes if he doesn't like them. He just stared me down and turned up his nose. He didn't talk to me for the rest of the day. I don't know if its something I said that made him like that, but it's creeping me out.

Fri. Oct. 17

I guess we're not friends again. I can't help but think if its something I said. He completely ignored me. I would stare at him then stick my tongue out and him and make silly faces. I know he saw me because I caught him smirking one time. I just don't understand why he ignores me.

Fri. Oct. 24

I told Lay that I was in love with him. I didn't get a single response. It was like I was talking to wall. A shocked wall. He just stood there with his mouth open gaping at me like I was some science fair project. Then he didn't talk to me for the rest of the day. He didn't even look at me. He'd just stare off into space like he was lost in his own world. 

Maybe I should have kept that to myself.

Fri. Oct. 31

He didn't show up today. I guess he's mad that I told him that. 

I ended up being paired up with Xiu Yi again so it was once again 20 questions all around the subject of Tao. Sometimes I'd wish he was here so I can get her out my hair. 

Fri. Nov. 7

A lot happened today. 

Lay came, but he didn't say much to me. When we paired up in partners he'd stare at me, but as soon as I'd stare back he'd turn around like he wasn't doing anything. I got so irritated that I left my partner and dragged him away from his so that we could talk outside. He was looking at me like I was crazy, and maybe I was for that little bit of time. Maybe that's what loving someone does to you. 

I asked him why he was avoiding me, why he didn't respond to my confession. He told me it was just because, but I didn't believe him. I kept pushing and asking him until I guess he finally broke. I still remember everything he told me.

"What do you want from me? I don't love you back. I can't love you back. I never will."

Those words hurt. They really did, but I guess I dug my own hole. 

Fri. Nov. 14

Lay sat beside me today. At first it was really quiet, but this time instead of me breaking the silence it was him. He didn't talk about what happened last time. He acted like it had never happened. Instead he took the place of Xiu Yi and started asking me questions about Tao. He wondered why Tao never came to any of the sessions. 

To tell the truth my brother has a bad case of acoustophobia. He scared of noise, and this place (specifically Xiu Yi) is just too noisy for him. 

I didn't mind telling Lay because he understood. Well not like he knew what Tao was going through, but he really sympathized with him. That only made me love him more.

Fri. Nov. 21

Lay apologized. We were sitting there putting together a jigsaw puzzle when he just blurted it out. He said he was scared. Even though he can't say he loves me he said he didn't want to hurt my feelings either. 

At first I was shocked, but afterwards I couldn't help but smile. That was a part of him he hadn't shown me before, and even though what he said hurt a little I still liked it. 

We had almost finished the jigsaw puzzle. There was only on piece left and Lay had it. He didn't put it there right away though. Instead he just looked at me. Then he said something that made my heart melt. 

"Since I can't love you is it okay if I just really really like you?"

What else could I say but yes? I really really liked him too. Then he smiled that cute little dimpled smile of his and put the last piece of the puzzle in its place.