I saw you today – I wish I knew how it was possible. It's been over five years since... since you left me, but I saw you. I know I did. I wasn't hallucinating – you were right there, right in front of me. I even called out to you. You heard me. It was you, I'm sure... But, why didn't you recognize me?

Junhyung blinked twice, before sitting himself down on the nearby bench. It was the third day in a row that he had come here, to their secret place, searching for him.

"Maybe my mind was playing tricks on me..."

Leaning back against the red bench, their red bench, Junhyung held his breath. All he wanted was to see him again – that's all he wanted.

His eyes slowly fell closed as his body slumped down on the bench, and he stayed like that for what only seemed like mere seconds to him, but when he opened his eyes again, Junhyung flew up from the bench, observing the dark sky.

" – when did it get so dark?!"

"It's been dark for a while, silly."

Junhyung froze mid-flail to snap his head behind him, in the direction of the voice – that voice. His voice. But there was nobody there. Junhyung slouched, ready to sigh, but he was stopped short.

"You fell asleep, mister. I was thinking of waking you, but you just looked sooooooo peaceful, I couldn't bring myself to do it and just sat down next to you ~"

Junhyung spun around once more, and long behold, there he was. Junhyung couldn't help but blink more than necessary, to be sure that he was really seeing what his eyes showed him.

"You're here a lot, aren't you? Is this like, your secret hiding spot or something?"

Junhyung's breath caught in his throat.

"Because this is a reeeeeeally nice place!" The boy flashed Junhyung a smile, his smile, before turning to admire the scenery. Junhyung couldn't help but follow his lead and look out and around.

Indeed, it was a beautiful place. The small clearing was atop a steep hill, looking out at the open sky. Trees surrounded them on three of four borders, tall and lively in the wind. The clearing was barely clear – the ground was covered in lilies and daisies and practically any flower one could imagine. The only traces of mankind were the crunched-down path that led to the clearing, and the single red bench.

The boy’s smile was warm – Junhyung caught himself thinking that his smile was much more beautiful than the scenery. It had always been a beautiful smile that he loved..

“So what’s your name?”

Junhyung blinked once more, and then rubbed at his eyes. Damn, too much blinking is making my eyes water..

“Mister, you’re eyes are watering.”

And before Junhyung knew it, the boy’s hand was grazing his cheek – his long, slender fingers were sliding under his eyes. Junhyung didn’t know what to do, so he just blurted out what was on his mind.

“You look like someone I used to know. A lot like him.”

Doe eyes glanced up at him for an instant, but flicked back down. His fingers halted, and they just stood there, unmoving.

The boy took a step back.

“Well..” He clicked his tongue softly. Junhyung eyed him. “I definitely haven’t heard this one before…”

The boy only giggled slightly as Junhyung’s eyes widened, realizing that he was being completely misunderstood. His face instantly flushed, as he started waving his hand in front of the other’s face.

“That- That’s not what I meant at all!!” His voice was louder than he had meant for it to be, and the boy winced slightly at the yelling, but Junhyung was just focused on making the other understand that he really meant what he said. As soon as he finished his sentence, Junhyung could only take a couple deep breaths and stare into the boy’s unwavering eyes.

And the boy only giggled again.

“Whatever you say, mister.”

“Ah, uhm..” Junhyung was at a loss for words. It was obvious that the boy wasn’t going to listen to his reasoning. So again, he said what was on his mind.

Junhyung was silent for quite a while, so the boy took that as his cue to leave, slightly turning on his heel.

“Junhyung.”

He stopped. “Hm?”

“My name. It’s Junhyung.”

And when the boy turned back around to face Junhyung, the slyest smirk was drawn across his face. Junhyung was absolutely confused by his expression.

“Well, Junhyung, I hope to see you again so you can try a better pickup line ~”

And the boy ran off, giggling the entire time. Junhyung could only watch his back disappear into the darkness of the trees surrounding him.

I’m so confused by all of this. Ever since that day – ever since I told you my name, you haven’t shown up in front of me. You still come to that spot though. You probably don’t know that I know, but I can see the fresh shoeprints on the leaves by our bench. Are you hiding from me? Do you really not know me…? Or do you know exactly what’s going on, so you’re just messing with me?

Either way, it hurts.

Junhyung saw the boy once again about two weeks later. It was during the earlier hours of the day – Junhyung had been out on a walk when he had seen familiar brown locks slipping through the bushes and to the hidden trail that led there. And as stalkerish as it was, Junhyung couldn’t help but follow.

It wasn’t until he was hiding behind a tree, watching the other sit down on the bench and start humming to himself, that he felt like he was doing something he shouldn’t.

Maybe he doesn’t want to see me..

Maybe I creeped him out with my apparent ‘pickup line’.

Junhyung shook his head, clearing his thoughts. One thing was for sure – he really needed to clear up their misunderstanding and figure out just what was going on.

And as he stepped out from the forest and into the clearing, standing himself in front of the humming boy, he looked into the doe eyes that were staring straight at him, but froze. Something about them was off – they seemed almost, lifeless- compared to how they were when he had first met the boy.

Where were the warm smiles? The soft giggles? All Junhyung could see were the purple marks spiraling around the other’s neck as he leaned his head back and to the side, against the red bench.

“Are you – ” And as Junhyung’s hand reached out to slide against the boy’s arm, he noticed something he hadn’t seen before. The boy’s right wrist was bleeding, the blood pooling on the bench.

And for just one second, Junhyung regretted having painted their bench red.

“What do you think it means to be in love..?”

Junhyung’s head snapped up, his thoughts frozen. All he could focus on was how broken the boy’s voice was.

“Is love loving no matter what? Even if there’s suffering?”

“Ah, well..” Junhyung was cut off.

“Are you supposed to just, block out all the pain..? Is love really all that matters?”

A single tear escaped those doe eyes. No more words were exchanged in that meeting – the only thing Junhyung could think to do was hold the boy in his arms. And then the damaged boy left without a word.

Is love supposed to hurt? When you asked me that, I didn’t know how to respond. I know that love is different for everybody, but it all follows the basic concept, right? ‘Love is all that matters.’ That’s certainly not the case for me. For us. All I feel is the pain, ever since you left. I don’t think I can love anymore.

Ever since you left me. Ever since you died in that car crash.

Maybe I would be able to love – if things were different. Maybe if I hadn’t been the one to destroy the paradise we had, I would be able to move on. But you ran off that night because of me. You got in that accident because of me.

I will never love. I don’t deserve it.

Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. And Junhyung hadn’t seen the boy once since that morning. It was obvious that he still came to the bench – every now and then Junhyung would see fresh footprints, or a small, insignificant item would be dropped and forgotten by the bench. But the most reoccurring evidence that proved that the boy still showed up was the blood he would find. It was never in large amounts like that one morning. Just a few drops here and there.

But Junhyung didn’t like it.

Junhyung wanted so badly to see the boy again. He wanted to explain what he had said during their first conversation. He wanted to tell the mysterious boy everything about his past. Junhyung wasn’t sure why, but he wanted so badly to pour his soul out to this boy. And he wanted the same in return.

He wanted to know why the boy had been bleeding – why the boy’s neck was bruised the way it was. But they never saw each other. Junhyung made sure of that. He suspected that the boy only showed up in the mornings, so he went out of his way to not be in the area until well into the afternoon.

Junhyung often fell asleep on the red bench, feeling more comfortable there than anywhere else. And while he was dreaming of the past, of the painful words and rough touches, he never noticed the boy that would show up every night to drape a thin blanket over his shivering body. Junhyung never questioned it – he just assumed that he had brought a blanket each time, but had just forgotten because he was always so damn tired lately.

He assumed that the boy had completely forgotten about him.

All the boy could seem to think about was him, though.

He showed up at the bench every morning, every afternoon, and every night, during every day over the past months. And Junhyung had no idea.

Lately it seems like I can’t go one night without dreaming of what used to be. It pains me. I feel haunted by you, even though you’ve left me not once, but twice now.

Do you understand what you’re doing to me..?

It was an early winter morning when Junhyung finally saw the boy again, for the first time in three years. He had never stopped thinking about the doe eyed boy – every day for those three years he constantly thought and dreamed of him. And it was slowly tearing him apart. Junhyung soon became afraid to fall asleep. Sleeping meant the return of memories he never wanted to resurface again, and there was nothing he could do about it. No matter how hard he tried to stay awake, sleep always got a hold on him.

So when he finally saw the boy again, he didn’t know what to do, what to say. Yet he knew exactly what to do and say.

He was sitting on the bench, which he had recently painted a light blue colour, watching the snowflakes fall from the sky when he heard the rustling of leaves coming from the pathway. Junhyung knew it was the boy. Over these three years, this place was still theirs. No one else had been able to find it, he had made sure of that.

As the rustling came closer, Junhyung took a deep breath. He knew he’d have to mentally prepare himself for what was about to happen. He’d finally be able to confront everything that had been holding him down for three long years – he’d finally be able to see the boy again.

And as the footsteps came closer and closer, Junhyung couldn’t help but freeze – even his heart froze for a second. Two sets of footsteps were approaching his sacred clearing. Their sacred clearing.

No one else could have found this place..

Junhyung stood abruptly from the bench, making his way to the middle of the clearing.

Did he.. did he bring someone with him?

He exhaled.

“No. He wouldn’t. Even without me saying anything, he should know that this is our place..”

But Junhyung’s feet led him to the darkest corner of the clearing, even though he wanted to confront this head on. As he stood in the shadows, waiting, his breathing seemed to increase slowly until it was too much and his breathing stopped.

Two people entered the clearing.

Junhyung’s eyes widened.

You’d never do this to me.. right? Was it all just a dream? All I can do is pray that someone will pinch me, and I’ll wake up to you sleeping soundly next to me, your sweet scent filling our room. I’d wrap my arms around your slim frame and pull you against me, even if you woke up and struggled like you usually do. After a dream like this, I think I deserve to do what I want for a bit without you getting angry..

But this is reality. This is what’s happening, and there’s nothing I can do to stop or change it.

I guess.. all I can do now is hope that you’ll be happy.

“Joonie.. isn’t this place just lovely?” The doe eyed boy nuzzled against the taller male who had his arm firmly placed around the former’s slim frame.

The boy’s hand was on his neck, his fingers sliding oh so slowly over the bruises that were darker than they had been all those years ago.

The hand on his waist tightened slightly, as the taller looked down at the other.

“Mmm.. But you’re lovelier.”

And suddenly the hand was away from the boy’s waist and at the back of his neck, fingers digging harshly into the purpled skin.

The boy’s eyes shut tight, and he gripped the other’s arms for support.

And Junhyung didn’t understand why he was smiling.