Kris is gone and there’s nothing Kyungsoo can do than to follow the maps that leads him back to Kris.

~

The moon was high in the night sky, casting a silver of light through the fluttering curtains. KyungSoo shifted on his back, trying to get to a comfortable position, but ended up staring at Kris’s sleeping face in the end. He made his way down from the slight mess that was his eyebrows, the shadow of his eyelash and the smooth slope on his nose, finally reaching the destination of the plump lips that he never kissed before.

He craved for it, but it’s probably a forbidden fruit he will never get to taste. It’s too poisonous.

KyungSoo smelled of . The whole room smelled of . And KyungSoo hates it, but he can never say no. Kris just had to appear and KyungSoo is willing and taken apart to Kris’s liking.

Tonight, Kris had visit KyungSoo close to midnight, hands clenched, head down, standing at KyungSoo’s door without defenses, without a façade. And KyungSoo had held his wrist so gently, as if a touch will cause Kris to fall apart, when really, it was KyungSoo that was falling apart. Nothing had to be said, everything was assumed and carried out. The sweet yet so bitter sound of and grunting they’re only source of conversation.

The next day Kris had made him breakfast. His favorite pancakes with bacon and maple syrup drizzled all over it. Kris had insisted that KyungSoo not move a single inch, so that he could feed KyungSoo every mouth of it. KyungSoo is happy; his heart doing a little flip every time Kris’s hand brushed passed his cheeks.

Kris’s smile reaches his eyes when KyungSoo’s cheeks turns pink, and KyungSoo know Kris’s smile is real, because he knows everything about Kris, and who Kris gives his smiles to. KyungSoo thinks that maybe this is enough; maybe this is all that he needs.

But the next day when Kris does not come back, KyungSoo shifts the couch to face the door. He spends two nights camping at the couch, staring forlornly, waiting for the handle to move, for Kris to come back. Kris does not.

KyungSoo tries his best to ignore the irregular thump of his breaking heart; he tells himself that his chest is weird. Why was it hurting so much? Kris is coming back, so why is it hurting? It does not make sense. Stupid heart.

KyungSoo distracts himself. He watches television, water his plants. But it’s not enough. So he goes online and looks at recipes. Chocolate chips cookies, lemon squares, and a range of aglio olio pasta. KyungSoo perfected every single dish but he does not realize that every dish he researched of is Kris’s favorite food.

Kris’s visits are irregular. Sometimes it only takes him a week to go back, sometimes its two month. For the times that KyungSoo had to wait a little longer, he inevitably becomes thinner, eye bags minutely heavier. Insomnia and nightmares will take over Kris’s spot beside KyungSoo in bed, keeping him company. And in the nights that KyungSoo could not take anymore, he would stand in the balcony, looking out at the starless night and faced his fears, because it’s less scary than the voice that sounds so familiar to Kris haunting him when he closed his eyes.

He would wonder why Kris was worth the pain, why he still waits for his heart to be one when it’s already broken to innumerable pieces, some already so disintegrated to be fixed. His thoughts would turn ugly, to things no one should ever do to themselves, but then he would think that Kris would not like it and tiredness will take over and KyungSoo would fall back into a restless sleep on the couch facing the door again.

KyungSoo had his fair share of times spent beside the toilet bowl, head resting on the edge and vomit stain on his lips. Alcohol was an outlet KyungSoo had chosen the first time Kris disappeared for more than two weeks, when BaekHyun decided that he had enough of KyungSoo’s moping and took him out for the night.

He did not expect KyungSoo to go back to the bar every night after, because KyungSoo found out it relieves him from the dreadful emotions. But then Kris came back, and the disappointed look Kris gave him when he found KyungSoo at the toilet was enough for KyungSoo to avoid alcohol like a plague.

The irrational belief that Kris would come back is something KyungSoo does not understand, and something he questions constantly. He would hug his pillow and squeeze his eye shut as the strange yet familiar fear consumed him. Fingernails dug into his skin, threatening to tear the alabaster skin open. KyungSoo pushed and pushed, he pushed the thoughts away.

He willed himself not to cry because he needs to believe that Kris would come back, because somehow if he cried, it’s admittance that maybe, someday, Kris would not come back.

To everyone around KyungSoo, they could see that he was trying his best to lay the breadcrumbs that let Kris back to the home that was KyungSoo. He was ensuring that Kris knew the way, a map in which every choice he made lead him back to KyungSoo.

But they could also see that KyungSoo had nothing he could do but to follow the map that leads to Kris, to follow, follow, follow.

A/N

Sorry for any mistakes.