It was four in the morning, and you laid in your bed holding your phone against your ear. The ringing sound seemed like it went on forever until it went to voicemail.  There was a stinging sensation in your eyes as you listened to the deep voice.

Hey, sorry I can't answer right now. Just leave your name and number, I'll get back to you whenever. Beep!

"H-Hey, uh, h-hi!" You choked. "Sorry for bothering you again, but I just called to hear your voice. I couldn't sleep so I just really, you know, needed you." You took a few more deep breaths before you decided to end the call. "I-I guess I'll try to sleep. I love you." With a tap of your finger, you ended the call and sunk into your blanket. Just like the many sleepless nights that you had been having lately, you cried yourself to sleep. 

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After a long day at school, you sat yourself down in your desk chair and pulled out a notebook from one of the drawers. You took a pen out of your pencil case, flipped to the next blank page and began to write. 

9/14/12

Hello baobei, it's been three days since I wrote something and I'm sorry. I've been so busy with studying for my finals. Remember? You told me to always study hard, even if it means to sacrifice leisure time. 

I haven't been sleeping well, but I call your phone to listen to your voice because it helps me sleep better. I cry myself to sleep , I need to buy new white out -__- anyways, I leave you voicemails but I'll try to write as often as I can okay? I love you and I miss you, a lot. 

There were endless scribbles of hearts all over the paper and at the ending of the last sentence. You cursed at how you have been neglecting journal entries. There were so many things you wanted to tell him. Like how you hate your english professor because he's always grouchy and he doesn't seem interested in being in class. Or how you successfully made seasoned chicken the other night. It was difficult to write because you wished to be face to face with him. 

It may seem weird to your mom, but you talk to the picture on your bedside table. You laugh by yourself during late hours in the evening as you tell him a joke Baekhyun told you or sometimes she hears you crying before she leaves for work at 5:45 in the morning. 

He hated it when you cried. He thought you looked adorable when you cried, so he was always flustered. He wanted to wipe your tears away and cheer you up. But at the same time, he wanted to smother you with kisses and tell you how cute you looked with swollen eyes. 

You stared at the entry one more time and you drew and arrow from the crossed out words to a blank space on the paper.

Can you wipe my tears and tell me how cute I am, like how you used to? 

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11/29/12

I missed you a lot during Thanksgiving dinner the other night. We invited your family over to have dinner with us, it was difficult to speak but it was a nice evening. Your mom gave me something before she left my house. She gave me a box and told me that I deserved to keep it. It looked like she wanted to cry. 

You want to know what was in the box right ^__^ ? It was you. You were in that box. You're favorite pieces of clothing, your accessories that you didn't like anyone touching and even that husky you and Tao bought last year. I sleep with him every night. 

I'm wearing that red and black flannel you loved so much, it still smells like you. Well, I have to go before I start crying again T__T I love you!

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12/25/12

Merry Christmas baobei!!!! Remember last year, you tried knitting me a sweater, but the right arm was longer than the left? Yeah… I'm wearing it right now :) You told me not to wear it because it's so "ugly", I'm sorry for being rebellious, I just missed you. 

Oh, by the way, I seen Tao and Sehun yesterday. It's been a while since I seen your friends. The last time I seen them, was probably at the service.. Haha.. we talked about you. We talked about what happened and I couldn't stop crying. When Tao hugged me, it felt like you for a moment. I asked Tao and Sehun what they wanted as a late Christmas gift because I've been too emotionally stressed to leave my house. Wanna know what Tao said, baobei? Tao said, 'For Kris to be here.' I just said, 'me too.' 

Come back, baobei. I love you and I miss you so much!

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1/8/13

Happy New Years! I'm late aren't I? I'm sorry, so sorry. Things got a tiny bit out of hand on New Years Eve.. Joonmyeon said that I drank too much and I babbled a lot about you. He also said that I seemed to have snapped that night, I cursed the world and I wanted to die.. My mom got worried :( 

So today I just got back from my first counseling session. It was really uncomfortable for me because my counselor kept asking about how you died and it hurts to remember.

I hate eating squid chips. Weird right? They're my favorite ^---^ But I told my counselor that you drove out that night to buy me a bag because I was craving those damn chips. Maybe if I wasn't craving those ing squid chips, you wouldn't have cross paths with that drunk driver and you'd be here right? 

And maybe if Joonmyeon hadn't stopped me, if he hadn't told my mom.. I would be with you too, right?

I'm going crazy, please still love me. 

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4/23/13

This day, last year, you kissed me and said,  "Just stay here, I'll get your chips and we can watch that movie. I love you." 

I told my counselor I was sick and that I couldn't make it to the session today. But in reality, I'm sitting on my bathroom floor, drinking some of the birthday cake flavored alcohol my dad hid in the cabinet. 

My counselor prescribed me medication for depression. I took them for a week and I stopped. I lied to her everyday, saying I took them and after every month, I was ready for a refill. But little did she know that those little orange bottles, are in a box underneath my bed. But one is with me right now, I don't remember how much I took within five minutes. 

They all said not to blame myself. But damn it Kris, you'd still be here if it weren't for me. You're mom would be healthy and smiling. Tao would be regularly taking his wushu classes. And I wouldn't be sitting on this shower mat, staining the white cotton with the red ink of this pen… or is that something else? I can't even tell anymore. 

Baobei, I miss you. You're not proud of me anymore, right? I'm destroying myself because I need you. Will you wipe my tears away? Kiss my alcohol tainted lips? WIll you hold my wrists to stop the pain from bleeding out because I can't find anymore reasons. I'm so sick and tired of hurting, but what hurts even more is that I deserve it. I ing deserve it, Kris. Not you. 

The bathroom is spinning… I don't even think I'm writing straight. There's blood all over the paper.. wait for me, baobei.

I'm coming. 

The bathroom door flew open as an empty medication bottle rolled off your lap. You hear your mother screaming but you can't move an inch, everything felt numb. Slowly, the brightly lit room started to darken as the state of being unconscious took over. 

"Kris.." You wheeze at the last moment. 

I'm coming, 

A/N: This depression is killing me man and I don't know where this plot came from :( I know this is really short, but I couldn't stand writing this plot anymore so I wanted to finish it as soon as possible. This isn't based on true events. If you guys are having a hard time with anything, I'll be here for you okay? I may not have the right words to say, but I'll be glad to listen.  Saranghae <( ^ 3 ^ )> ~