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I'll see you on the other sideLook, this story is only a fiction story. I'm sorry. Don't hate me >.<
Sehun was there the first time EXO broke apart.
The non-stop rows of practice that made his back hurt, Jongin’s and Yixing’s injuries that kept getting worse, Tao’s little tsk every time they asked him to start the routine all over again (and Sehun knew how much Tao tried to hide it from the others), Junmyeon’s strained smiles (Sehun wondered when they’d snap), and the way Yifan got quitter each day. He got more worried when Baekhyun’s jokes did not help them and Chanyeol’s pranks weren’t funny anymore, instead it made Luhan (the oh-so-kind Luhan ge) snapped. Jongdae, Kyungsoo, and Minseok weren’t the types who confront the others when they were in a heated conversation or when everything started falling apart. Their presences were there, warm and soft and calming, but there were nothing they could really do.
Sehun hated it that he could only stand there and watch everything become a mess.
Sehun only heard some hisses when he opened the door to the kitchen of EXO-M’s dorm. Yixing turned his head and looked at him expressionless. Yifan was kind of panic and Luhan didn’t seem to care about Sehun’s presence looking at the way he turned his head away. Sehun knew he had walked into a serious conversation.
“I’m sorry. I was looking for Tao. He sa—“
“Can’t you knock? It wasn’t your dorm, remember?” Luhan spitted acid to Sehun.
Walking into each other’s dorm without knocking was always fine just a few days ago, Sehun wanted to say. Luhan never snapped, especially not to him, and he heard Yixing sighed; how it sounded like a weak “Lu…”.
Sehun gave the most respectful bow he could do to them and left.
Sehun woke up when the side of his bed was dipped. He was always a light sleeper. But, that morning, something else woke him up. He turned around facing the other person.
“Junmyeon hyung?” he asked when Junmyeon was laying down and starring right to the ceiling.
“Hm?” Junmyeon hummed softly.
“Do I have to get up for a schedule or something?”
Junmyeon shook his head. And, Sehun waited for Junmyeon to say something. But there was nothing came out from his mouth. Not until five minutes later, when Sehun’s phone on the bedside vibrated.
“Kris wants to talk to you,” Junmyeon said, it sounded hoarse and pitiful.
Sehun sat up and looked at the phone. Somehow, he was scared.
“Go on. Pick it up,” Junmyeon said without looking at him.
Sehun took the phone and answered the phone. “Kris hyung?”
“Hey.”
“What is it? Why are you calling me this early? Aren’t you supposed to come back here already?”
Yifan chuckled. “I’m not going back to Seoul, Sehun-ah.”
“Why? Do you need to take care some stuff again? Hyung, it’s okay.”
“I’m not going back to Seoul ever, Sehun-ah. Well, maybe someday, but it won’t happen in the next few months, I guess.”
“Why?”
“Because I have no reason to go back there anymore.”
“What do you mean?”
Yifan didn’t answer for a while. Sehun was about to speak up again, but he heard a sigh. “Look, before you hear this in a bad way, I want you to know that I never want to hurt any of you. You mean so much for me. All eleven of you.”
“So, why aren’t you coming back home?” A tear escaped the corner of his eyes.
“It’s not my home, Sehun-ah.”
“I’m not talking about your hometown, hyung. Home is not about your hometown. Home is about the people in there. We’re your home. You’re ours. If you can’t go back here, we’ll go there. It doesn’t matter.”
“Sehun-ah,” there was a tremble in Yifan’s voice before a sob breakthrough the microphone. A few seconds passed quietly before Yifan continued, “Look, be good to your hyungs, okay? Listen to them. Listen to Junmyeon. He has tried so hard for you guys. If you have time, please, don’t give up on your study. Practice hard, but don’t be too hard on yourself. I love you, kid.”
“Hyung. Don’t go.”
“You’re probably going to be told to say bad things about me, to be my enemy, to never see me or contact me again. It’s okay, do what they tell you to. They’re probably going to say bad things about you too. I’m sorry I cause this. Just stick with your hyungs. It’ll make the eleven of you to grow even stronger. One day, you’ll be even tighter than the other groups who never have to go through stuffs like this. I—“
“Hyung, we just debuted for two years. I need you. I can’t face them without you.” He never realized that he already turned into a ball of sobs.
“Hey, you’re strong. You’ll be okay. I gotta go, Sehun-ah. I can’t talk to you for some time, but we’ll talk and see each other soon.”
“How soon?”
“Good bye, Sehun-ah.”
“Hyung. Kris. No. Talk to me.”
The next thing Sehun knew was the way Junmyeon hugged him and Sehun seriously wondered what was the good in good-bye.
Everything got harder.
There was an empty spot next to Chanyeol whenever they lined up and he learned to never look to his right anymore (“My neck hurts,” he gave an excuse with a grin, but no one laughed along after that). Junmyeon had been fiddling with his phone when there was some free time and it always ended up on the table for the rest of the day, untouched (“Don’t make a call unless it’s important, I want our lines to be clear,” he warned the members while smiling softy). Kyungsoo cooked for twelve, and when he realized no one would eat the extra portion, he threw it away (sometimes, he also threw the plate away). Jongin danced and stopped when it was his part to start all over again or change the songs with the EXO-K version (much safer). Baekhyun got more afraid of Luhan ever since he started to snap easily, so he stopped teasing the Chinese members (or every other members, because they all always reminded him of certain someone). Yixing got used to the empty bed next to him (more like he got used to sleep in the living room). Minseok washed the dishes every night and he got quietly angry, although he didn’t show it, when a member used two different glasses or plates at the same time (he chose to follow Kyungsoo’s way, throwing away the extra dishes). Jongdae kept singing in the studio until his throat hurt (because he just wanted to hear that someone’s voice stopping him and telling him to rest). Tao never asked someone to shower with him or to sleep with him or just to accompany him anymore (“He probably left because I was too clingy,” he told Sehun once before turning his back on him and pretended to sleep). Luhan did only two things; not talking to anyone or snapping to everyone (he was only angry to himself for not able to stop him). Sehun watched helplessly as everything went downhill when they were supposed to climb up the mountain.
They finished their first concert, their dream concert. Everything was paid off; their struggles through every practice without Yifan’s lazy stretching, their quiet dinners without Yifan’s quiet presence, the emptiness in their songs without Yifan’s voice, the new ugly space in their dance routines without Yifan’s awkward moves. They gave the best of their efforts and there were cries every single day through it but they held their heads up in front of the suffocating cameras. The way the crowd cheered for them by the end of the concert. Jongin wanted to cry. Everyone wanted to cry.
Sehun closed his eyes, enjoying the cheers at the back of his mind. Slowly, the cheers got quitter and it disappeared in his head. There was only Yifan’s face. Yifan was supposed to be there with the eleven of them, but that’s okay, Sehun still dedicated this concert for him.
And, everything got easier from down there. They continued each day with smiles that started off from a forced one to finally a sincere one. Although, it’d always hurt to see the blank space on the posters (they were always even before, six and six), but they got used to the pain slowly. Although, there were hates for Yifan, but they forgave him eventually.
Seven years after they debuted, Baekhyun was getting married. It wasn’t really a downhill, but it was enough to break them apart for the second time, and Sehun was still there to watch it.
“Damn it, Baekhyun!” Chanyeol yelled. The eleven of them sat in a circle in their two-year-old apartment.
“Don’t curse, Chanyeol-ah,” Yixing warned him with a slight of annoyance in his voice.
Tao looked at Yixing dangerously. “Let him curse, Yixing.”
Luhan leaned forward in his seat, watching Tao like a hawk. “That’s Yixing Ge to you, Zitao.”
Zitao was ready to throw an insult when Minseok talked. “Why are we always fighting?”
Jongdae sighed. “Ever since Kris left, we couldn’t control our emotion anymore.”
“He has nothing to do with our emotion. Don’t mention his name!” Jongin said coldly.
“Here we go again!” Kyungsoo let out a humorless laugh, “It’s been six years and we still can’t even say or hear his name.” He stared at the ceiling.
“I didn’t say that we—!”
“Shut up, Jongin,” Sehun said softly and Jongin looked at him angrily, like he expected Sehun to always be on his side. Sehun stared back lifelessly.
Jongin stood up and kicked the table in their living room before leaving the ten of them. No one spoke for a few ugly minutes. No one even dared to move.
“I’m sorry,” Baekhyun broke the silence in the room.
“Don’t,” Yixing said, “it’s not your fault.”
“It’s no one’s fault,” Junmyeon finally said. And, suddenly, the other nine grew interest on him. Junmyeon stared at the floor. “It’s no one’s fault that our priority has changed. We keep blaming Kris because he’s the one with the most visible mistake and he’s not here to say anything. We grew up and we just grew apart.” He finally looked up. Everyone looked so sad. “Hey, it’s not like we don’t care about each other anymore.”
“Seven years is too short,” Jongdae said.
“It doesn’t have to end here,” Luhan replied.
Minseok gave the longest sigh. “You mean we still have to continue?”
“I want you to understand that if we’re keeping this group together then it’s because we still love doing this together, not because we have to,” Junmyeon said. And, he left the room.
“Was it hard?”
“Hm?”
“When you made the decision to leave us. Was it hard?”
“The hardest decision I’ve ever made in the last thirty years of my life. Even until now, I still reconsider my decision every single day.”
“I’m sorry you had to make that decision.”
“I’m sorry you had to go through the hard time because of me.”
“I’m glad I still can call you.”
“And, I’m glad I’m still the one you come to talk to.”
“I was worse leader than you. That’s why I still need to talk to you.”
“You’re the best, Junmyeon-ah. Can you even imagine if I was chosen as the main leader? Choosing me as EXO-M’s leader was already a wrong move.”
Junmyeon laughed softly. “I would’ve imagined you as the main leader. I bet you’d always forget to buy a stock of Jongin’s favorite banana milk. He would die without that milk. You’d put the salt into the sugar jar and Kyungsoo would kill you for that. And, you’d forget that Yixing can’t take so many spicy food every time you order food.”
Yifan laughed too. “See? You’re a lot better in remembering those little things! You guys would be doomed if I had to be the main leader.”
Junmyeon sighed. “Yeah. But, they listened to you. And, you always knew what to do in times like this. Remember when we freaked out about our debut stage and the six of us called you for like three hours despite the cost of international call? I always felt like Luhan hyung, Minseok hyung, Yixing, Jongdae, and Tao were lucky to have you as their leader through the debut time.”
“But I left you guys, remember?”
“You shouldn’t have left.”
“I shouldn’t, but I did. That makes me the worst coward and jerk. It was the right call to choose you, Junmyeon-ah.”
“Hm. I guess.”
“I have to go.”
“What? It’s late in Beijing. Where are you going?”
“Doing some secret stuffs,” Yifan laughed, “don’t worry. I’ll tell you later, wife.”
“Wife, my .”
“This guy here is months older than you, mister.”
Junmyeon laughed. “I know. I’m sorry.”
“No, I’m just kidding too,” he chuckled. “Will you take care of yourself and the kids?”
“With all my heart. You gotta promise to take care of yourself too, alright?”
“Yes, si—Oh, Junmyeon-ah.”
“Hm?”
“If someday it’s possible to tell them that I still love them, will you do that?”
Junmyeon smiled sadly. “Even when it’s not possible, I will still let them know.”
Yifan sighed. “Thank you. Take care for me.”
“You too.”
“Hm. I really gotta go. Love you, Junmyeon-ah.”
“Love you—“ Yifan already hang up, “—too, hyung.”
Junmyeon stared at the bright screen for a while, kind of wishing for Yifan’s name to show up again. But, he didn’t call anymore. So, Junmyeon put the phone on the bedside and curled to his side. He got closer and closer to the body next to him.
“Yifan hyung?” the other body asked despite his back was on Junmyeon.
“Yeah,” Junmyeon asked simply, closing his eyes and trying to pretend like he wanted to sleep.
“When did you start calling him again?”
“Three years ago, I guess.”
“You’ll get into trouble, hyung.”
Junmyeon hummed softly. “Sleep, Sehun-ah,” he said as he put his arm around the other body.
They came to the decision to put a halt on their career. There was no guarantee when they’d come back.
Sehun thought it was actually horrible for their fans to give them hope, like “no, EXO isn’t disbanding, we’re just taking a break”, but nothing ever came out of their mouths about the exact time. Why couldn’t they just say “yes, there’s no EXO anymore” or “no, EXO is still going strong”? It was much more simple. He preferred to be hated now, than to be hated later.
Jongin signed up as a part-time dance instructor in one of ballet schools in Seoul. He never had experience with kids and he’d like to try.
Baekhyun’s wedding was held in his grandmother’s hometown, private and simple. There was an invitation sent to Yifan, but it was too sudden that he already had things to do, so he could only gave an awkward congratulation call.
Minseok left to the military the night before the wedding. Three months later Junmyeon decided to come after Minseok. He didn’t tell his nine members when he’d leave. He though it would be the best, less drama and good-byes.
Luhan and Yixing came back to their hometowns. Two weeks after their arrival, they came to Yifan’s house to find it empty. No sign of where Yifan had moved away. Yixing wanted to call but they didn’t know his recent number and Junmyeon was unreachable at his military camp for them to ask Yifan’s number. Luhan shook it off, saying if it was meant to be then they’d see Yifan someday. Yixing wanted to cry.
Despite his two Chinese members’ departure to China, Tao decided to stay. He and Sehun rented an apartment in Gangnam together. Tao used his free time as a freelance photographer. He never knew he had that talent in him.
Chanyeol spent his time doing family’s business before going to the military two years later, just before Minseok and Junmyeon came back. He and Baekhyun set off together. Unfortunately, they put the two of them in different camps. Jongdae came after his partners in crime two months later with hopes he would meet Chanyeol, Baekhyun, or Junmyeon.
Kyungsoo and Jongin signed for their military duty together a year after Jongdae. Kyungsoo was put into the same base camp as Chanyeol, but Chanyeol already had a higher position. So, Kyungsoo saluted every time he met Chanyeol during the days. During the nights, Chanyeol shared stories and memories to Kyungsoo under the big black sky.
Sehun signed for his military duty the last one. Jongin was supposed to accompany him, but he betrayed Sehun for his favorite Kyungsoo. Sehun watched as Minseok, Junmyeon, Chanyeol, Baekhyun, and a brief Jongdae talk excitedly about the military and how they respected their duties to their country. They talked to Luhan and Yixing via conference call the night before Sehun went away. Although Kyungsoo, Jongin, and Tao were absence, but they made a decision to make a comeback when Sehun came back from his duty. They never thought that they’d miss EXO so badly. Sehun gave the biggest smile for the past nine years that night.
They got a phone call fifteen months later from Sehun’s mom. She said there was an accident and three boxes of small explosive blew up right next to Sehun’s sleeping tent. Eight victims. Sehun was the last name on the list.
Hyungdeul, thank you for loving me. I’ll see you on the other side where we know nothing about pain. Just the twelve of us, laughing to the world. I love you.
Your beloved spoiled maknae,
Oh Sehun
I know, I killed Sehun. Do you guys hate me? I'm sorry! This story is only fictional, okay? I know people are sensitive about things like this these days, I just needed to get this out of my head. Sorry :'(
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