Sigh…

Andy was watching TV as he gobbled down his late dinner or more like early breakfast. He had just returned from his night shift at the hospital. On the TV, a Korean group’s concert was being broadcasted. The name was Shinhwa, and its leader was Eric.

He studied in USA since young as well? It’s amazing that he becomes such a famous rapper.

Andy was amazed as he read up some information about Eric.

“You want to go into medicine? Are you crazy? Why don’t you follow your heart? Don’t you want to be a rapper?” Tony almost pierced through Andy’s ears with his anger.

“I want to be a rapper, but that’s not what I need to do at the moment.” Andy sighed. He had already decided on his priority, a financially stable future would be his choice, instead of an exciting but thorny path of rapper.

“Man, I thought at least you would go into the entertainment industry. You’ve always been good with jokes and gags.” Jay whined, as he knew that Andy has more than enough talent for entertainment.

“Maybe after a few years of settling down with a stable, I will pursuit that.” Inside his mind, Andy was not so sure. He did not feel that his passion for music would persist till then.

“Oh well, you coming this weekend party right? We can’t have a heat up mood without you.” Tom cheerfully said as he threw his arm over Andy’s shoulder.

“Of course! I always have to save day.” Andy grinned. “It might be the last party for a while since I have to concentrate on study.”
“That .” John complained.

“Can’t helped. So we better party hard and enjoy it like no tomorrow.” Andy shrugged as he knew how much effort he would have to put into studying. He wasn’t one those smart high scorers, he was just above average but he was hardworking, that how he had been. But for him to get into medicine, he would have to put into ten times the effort he had been trying.

“How’s your study? Is it tough?”  His mum asked with a warm, concerned voice because she could she that Andy had grown thinner.

“It’s alright, mum. Don’t worry. I’m trying my best and I will get into medicine.” Andy smiled weakly. He had been staying up late to cram in and sleeping was on average of 3-4 hours per night.

“I know that you want to be a rapper, I know that your dad is strongly against it without telling you the reason. But I know that you can understand our view, right? Since you’re still young, you wouldn’t know how much struggle a person has to go through if they want to succeed in the music industry. And if you don’t become a hit, you won’t even make enough to support yourself. There are many people that received intensive training ever since they were young, yet not many succeed.” His mum paused for a moment, so that words could sink into Andy’s mind.

“After you can support yourself, we won’t hold you back anymore. You will be free to follow your dream. We didn’t want to worry you, but I think future of our country isn’t so bright. There have been news leaking that the North is fully prepared for full scale war. I wish that you would have a safe like there instead of here. Everyday, living in fear.” His mum broke out in tears, she couldn’t fully understand her hard it was for Andy to give up his dream, but she knew it was tough. And she knew he had given up because of them, because he cared for the family and respected their wish.

“Mum, I know. I know it’s hard for you. That’s why I’m trying my best to become a doctor. I will try my best to get our family here. Then we will can all live and be happy together.” Andy choked as his emotions were out of control. He just wanted to embrace his mum and tell her that he would do anything for the family to be happy. There was a stinging pain at the corner of his heart, hating him for abandoning his true feelings.

“I’m so thankful, for having such a good son as you. Andy, I am so proud of you. I wish I could support your dream but our situation… Take a good care of yourself, since I’m not there to make food for you.” His mum said through her sobs.

“I will. You should take care of yourself too, don’t worry about me. Tell dad to not overwork for me and that I understand his view.” Andy sighed as he imaged how tired his dad would be, after returning from long hours of labouring work, just to support the family and his tuition fee.

“You’ve changed.” Tony said as he looked deeply into Andy’s eyes.

“How so?” Andy asked, while still reading the biology book.

“You are not fun anymore. You don’t seem to enjoy the moment, you know. It’s just like you are lifelessly studying, as if the world would end if you don’t study. Are you even living? Do you even feel happy?” Andy slowly looked up at the friend that he hadn’t been hanging out with for awhile. He was living, he was still breathing, eating, walking and studying just fine. But Tony was right, he was not happy. However, it did not matter. He would be fine, he would pull through and survive even though life might not be colourful. Or at least, that was what he believed in.

“I’m fine.” Andy answered.

“You do know that whenever a person says they’re fine, it means they are not.” Tony was trying to get Andy to open his heart, to share his concern.

“I said I’m fine. I just need to concentrate on my study, that’s all.” Andy shot a cold stare at Tony, as if his friend was a great bother to him but deep down inside, he sincerely appreciated for the concern. But since he knew that even if he tells his friend, nothing could be changed so why bother.

“Congratulation!” The school principal said proudly as he handed the high school completion certificate to Andy. Andy was one of the few students that had gotten into medical university from this school, not to mention, Andy was the only one to receive scholarship.

With his head held high, Andy smiled as he shook hand, some parts of the heavy weight that had been in his heart were lifted. He felt that his breathing had become a bit easier. He had completed part of his parents’ wish, he just needed to continue on with putting in effort to travel down this road, then, he would become a doctor, just as planned.

Many people were congratulating him, but none of his friends were very sincere since they sensed that this was not Andy’s wish. But it was the path that Andy had chosen, so all they could do was watch from the sideline as their offer for help were rejected many times.

That night, Andy called home but it was his uncle that picked up.

“Andy?” His uncle sounded insecure.

“Where’re my parents? Are they home?” Andy asked, he suddenly had a foreboding feeling.

“....” Andy could hear that on the other line, the breathing was becoming irregular and rapid, as if his uncle was under stress.

“Andy… I want you to be strong. That will be a great shock to you, I know. So brace yourself.” His uncle spoke hesitantly, to allow Andy the time to prepare. “Your parents… is no longer here.”

“What do you mean?” Andy asked in disbelief, he held in his breath, praying that it was not what it implied.

“They were killed from the bombing that North Korea fired a few days ago. We are holding their funeral at the moment. We didn’t want to let you know because we thought you needed to study and graduate happily.”

“Was there anything they said before…? Andy couldn’t complete his sentence but his uncle understood.

“It was so sudden, so they didn’t leave anything. But on their will, they had left everything for you. Everything will be transferred to you within the month. During those hard times, they had always mentioned that they want you to be happy.”

“I see… I need time to think now. Bye.” Andy hung up before he even heard the reply from his uncle. He sank down to the floor and curled up, buried his face.

He wished it all was just a dream. With them gone, he felt so lost in this world.

What should I do now? It’s seem like there’s no future.

Through a sleepless night of trying to accept the fact that his parents were gone forever, Andy’s felt as if part of his soul was taken away.

He casually the without any intention to watch, however, something caught his attention. It was news about a Korean student, who committed suicide by jumping off a building. Apparently, that guy died a few days after the result for university was out. He was accepted but his parents were killed during the invasion so police was suspecting that he couldn’t handle the emotional trauma.

Andy’s eyes widened as he was surprised to hear such story that familiar to his own. However, that had made him to rethink.

I shouldn’t end my life just like that. At least, I have to fulfill my parents’ wish. They have given life to me, not so that I will end it when they meet their ends. I must continue their legacy.

As the concert was reaching the end, Andy was amazed that both him and Eric had very similar starting point. However, they paths were completely different. Eric seemed to shine brightly with happiness as he performed on stage. Whereas Andy, he felt his life was just alright. He didn’t need to worry about surviving, but he was not fully enjoying it either. Almost everyday was the same routine, he would try to save people, not because he felt greatly empathetic or cared for his patients, it was simply because of his duty of care, it was just his job.

Would I be happier if I had chosen to follow my dream? Maybe…

Is it too late to start now?

Ah… My passion has gone cold… I’m too dispassionate…

I envy him for doing all the things I could have been if I follow my dream… But I’m not willing to change this lifestyle now… Maybe it’s too late for me…

It’s good enough that’s someone else can achieve their dream… Since he’s similar to me, it’s satisfying enough to think that he has achieved the dream in my stead…

Andy sighed as he finished his food.

I better sleep. There are work later...

(Image credit: http://asianwiki.com/Andy_Lee_(Shinhwa))
I tried to find a pic that show a somewhat successful but unhappy vibe pic, guess this one is somewhat fit.