Sigh....

Standing on the edge of the rooftop, Hyesung looked up at the open sky, that was shining in orange. The diminishing rays was engraved in his mind, as if they were telling him that the end is near, that a decision has to be made.

Hyesung moved his gaze to the empty street below, his face scrunched up, but then, it relaxed.

I wish I could be free

I wish I could follow my dream

I wish I could soar the sky like those birds

I wish I could ….

But it was just a wish…

“Hyesung!” Jack shouted through the hallway. Hyesung turned around to see one of his not many friends were calling him.

“Have you decided which college you will attend?” Jack asked as he approached Hyesung.

“No, not really. I want to go into music though.” Hyesung shook his head.

“Man, that’s gonna be waste of a genius like you. I haven’t even hear your voice when singing, can you even sing?” Jack looked at Hyesung with curious eyes. He couldn’t believe that his intelligent friend would go down the path of musician instead of something else more professional, like lawyer, doctor, business or the like.

“I’m not interested in other things…” Hyesung brushed it off with a shrug. “but I’m not sure of not going to college be the right choice.”

“How about trying to enter audition?” Jack suggested.

“I don’t know. I’m not that confident.” Hyesung sighed, his eyes wavered. He was tempted with the thought of audition but he still had not let his parents know. He was torn as he knew so well that his parents want him to follow a stable path, not the artsy path. However, tonight, he would gather his courage and ask for their understanding.

“Mum, dad, there’s something I want to tell you…” Hyesung slowly let the words escape his mouth. On the screen, his parents were patiently waiting for the next sentence as they’d seen his hesitant expression.

“I...um...I want to be a singer.”

“You what?” His mum gasped.

“Do you want to do it for a living?” His dad calmly asked, though inside, he was trembling with anger.

“Yes, I’ve realised that singing is my passion. I’ve felt like I’ve seen the light after all these times of just blindly study. I know it would be a tough road but isn’t better than doing something I don’t like?” Hyesung tried to convey his passion and excitement. “I also kinda have a plan, I would start with some auditions, but that means I might miss classes…”

“Don’t you dare.” His dad cut him off with cold words that leaked through clenched teeth. Taking a deep breath, his dad continued. “Don’t you know of our situation? We are not so rich, son. We has been struggling to support your study and you are saying you will give up on that to pursuit an unrealistic dream? Do you not know that war is breaking out and you are our only hope? Will you earn enough money in a few years if you down that path to get us out of here? Or will you just struggle to even feed yourself?”

“But…” Hyesung swallowed the rest of his argument as he thought of his family. He knew that they were struggling, he knew that things were not bright but there was little he could do. Perhaps following the decided path was the only way. His eyes were dwelling up as his torn emotions were putting weight on his heart.

“Think again, you can follow your dream after you get a stable job, one that can support your dream. Become a doctor, save up the money then you can do whatever. Maybe you will like being a doctor after trying out.” His mum tried to convince him.

“...” Hyesung was lost in his thoughts. That was possible, but would his passion die out by then. He was afraid that it would be too late to start then, as he would be too old for any training.

People say dreams are to be chased and follow. It’s better to do what you want instead of what seem right. But is it right for me to follow my dream?

“Look, I know you have to apply for college soon, you better focus on your study and get into medicine. If you decide to be a singer, I guess our ties will be severed, you will be on your own as we cannot afford to support for an uncertain future.” His dad looked as if he had aged a few years just from knowing that his son had something else in mind instead of the laid out road.

“I understand…” Hyesung softly answered. His throat was blocked with a lump. He was trying to hold in his sob.

It was the same as back then, when his parents tried to coerce him into learning taekwondo. He wasn’t a fan of it, he didn’t want to get physical and hurt others. But his parents thought otherwise. They thought it would improve his frail body and social skills. Well, after a while, Hyesung did start to enjoy taekwondo, he loved challenging difficult techniques.

Maybe, it will be the same this time... Everything will work out...

“Hyesung, is everything alright? Your score has been dropping.” His teacher asked him.

“Everything is fine.” He answered, but he knew very well that nothing is right. He had been apathetic toward study ever since the conversation. He had let go of everything and just went with the flow. If there was a test, he would just do it, he wouldn’t try to revise. He knew he would get a passing score regardless.

“If your score continues to drop, I don’t think you will make it for medicine. Perhaps you should consider other alternative. Like getting in a science course, pharmaceutical or biomedicine first.” The teacher offered as she was concerned for Hyesung’s future.

“I will do that if it comes to it.” Hyesung nonchalantly replied. He would just let the future come to him instead of grasp it in his hand. He had decided to let go and walk on this colourless and empty path.

“You should try to study a bit more, maybe go to homework club would help.” The teacher kept on give suggestions to help Hyesung to achieve his required score for medicine.

“Thank you. But I have an appointment soon. I’ve gotta go.” Hyesung hurriedly ended their conversation as he could not bear to listen anymore. It was tiring. Everyone was telling him the same thing over and over again, that he had chosen the right path, that he should be working hard toward it, that he should do the best he can. However, they did not know that his mind had become too weary to hear the same thing, that his heart is longing for something else, that sometimes it’s difficult to breathe without a reason.

He couldn’t consult his friends as they did not understand why he would give up his dream. They would just tell him to go ahead and follow his heart instead of his parents’ wish but they just couldn’t understand how hard that is. He couldn’t share his thoughts with anyone.

Time flew by and the result were out. Hyesung had got his acceptance letter from Stanford University, School of Medicine. His score wasn’t rocket high, it was just above a pass for medicine but he was content. It was not like he tried hard or stressed out with cramming during exam period. All he did was turn up for the exams and do whatever was given to him.

That night, Hyesung tried to call his parents to inform them of the result but for some strange reason, they did not pick up. The next morning, news of South Korea being invaded broke out all over the media. Hyesung was appalled. Not a word escaped his mouth. He tried to contact his relatives and as he feared, his family was one of those unlucky victims that had been killed.

That afternoon, he walked up to the rooftop of his building with heavy steps. Storm was raging inside but he knew he could not change the past.

Standing on the rooftop, the open space was embracing his broken soul. Suddenly, he laughed. Inside those laughters, pain and despair could be felt.

So what if I’ve gotten accept in medicine? Nothing has changed. It’s ridiculous that this so-called rightful path has led to this ending. Is there a point in trying to be a doctor now that I don’t even have a family to care for? What was all the sacrifice for?

For my suffering? Just so that I give up my dream? But the end still the same?

Perhaps I should have chased after my passion. Would I be happier than I had been?

Ha ha ha ha…. But I had let go of everything…

Hyesung took in a deep breath, till both of lungs were numb, then exhaled until it felt like there was nothing left inside and start aching. That was how Hyesung emotionally felt, empty but pain was running through his body and soul.

Closing his eyes for one last time, Hyesung sang in a soft, heavenly voice.

I believe I can fly

I believe I can touch the sky…

As the song ended, he had reached the edge of the rooftop. Laying his gaze upon this world for the final time, Hyesung bid goodbye with open arms, as if embracing whatever regret he had, to his end of time.

Perhaps it was a wrong decision

Perhaps it was weak of him

Perhaps he could re-built his life

Perhaps and perhaps…

But once the decision is made, it’s final…

It was a decision that he believed in, a decision that seemed right and best for him.

(Image credit: http://siltheexplorer.tumblr.com/post/73432092927/2014-live-works-seasons-greetings-shin-hye-sung)

I tried to look for a depressed pic of hyesung.