Kim Joonmyun is a total enigma, and unfortunately, Jongdae happens to have a thing for guys who are hard to understand and way out of reach.  

 

At least with EXO, Jongdae has an entire fanbase to agonize over mysterious boys with. It's strange, the more he gets invested in getting to know the ten members of EXO, the more he realizes that he doesn't know anything about them at all. They have stage personas, of course, but those are the faces they display to the public, masked in bb cream and fanservice. Sometimes there are cracks in the façade that ignite Jongdae's imagination, as he tries to overanalyze and obsess over the most nominal details. But Jongdae always ends up back where he started, realizing that he understands his idols even less after picking apart their inconsequential actions.

 

Everyone in EXO has such multifaceted personalities, it's impossible to know who they really are. Not that Jongdae cares. It just makes reading and writing fanfiction all the more exciting with the limitless possibilities for characterization. Not to mention the sheer abundance of ships.

 

Jongdae's personal favorite ship is what is commonly called "Krisyeol." He isn't into tall boys, but there's something so hot in the way they're both so tall and commanding, and unf. Not to mention their dumb, dorky side that makes Jongdae feel giddy from the pure fluff. Jongdae's favorite Krisyeol author is a fanboy who writes under the pseudonym "Suho." Among Jongdae's "problems" (aka his futile, unrequited crushes), Suho ranks right up there with Kim Joonmyun. It's unfortunate that Suho, too, has no idea about Jongdae's existence. And that he lives in Australia, according to his info page.

 

Jongdae clicks on the newest installment of "Dominate Me", Suho’s popular Krisyeol saga. His eyes flick across the screen, while one had tugs at the collar of his school uniform. Reading Suho's fic makes Jongdae feel like the room temperature has risen by about ten degrees. Jongdae doesn't think he'll ever get off on someone drizzling hot wax across his thighs as Kris is currently doing to Chanyeol, but he feels his breath become more ragged just from absorbing all the sensory details. Suho's fics are always gorgeously written, with descriptions and imagery that are so vivid and specific that Jongdae feels borderline grossed out occasionally.

 

"Thunder" is playing in another tab, and Jongdae shivers when Kris's rap solo (or rather, rap line) comes on. The low, husky timbre of his voice is absolutely delicious against the smooth rhythm and blues of the track. Jongdae wonders how many children will be conceived to the soundtrack of EXO's Overdose mini album.

 

Kris and Chanyeol reach their explosive es in "Dominate Me", and Jongdae has to take a breather when he finishes the chapter. Suho's stories always have a very physical effect on Jongdae, from butterflies in his stomach to the warm haziness in his mind after reading an R-rated scene. What's incredible is that Suho is just another high school student, not much older than Jongdae himself. Jongdae isn't sure if he should be jealous of or feel sorry for Suho's real life ual partners, whoever they may be. The sheer creativity of his scenes, quite frankly, intimidates Jongdae. He can’t imagine what a night with Suho would be like, especially with his fondness of finding alternative uses for everyday objects. But Jongdae knows for a fact that Suho is a total sweetheart. Unlike many other fanfiction writers who keep their personal lives and their writing personas strictly compartmentalized, Suho leaves little to the imagination.

 

The author’s writing blog links to his personal blog, which provides a fascinating insight into his thoughts and personality. Through Suho's personal blog, Jongdae has discovered that Suho's ultimate bias is Kris, but Oh Sehun is his guilty pleasure. Although Suho's tags on Kris posts are a joy to read, Jongdae’s favorite part of his blog is a tie between his "Ask Suho" page and the occasional grainy selca.

 

If Jongdae admired Suho as a writer, he absolutely adores him as a person. Or at least, he is infatuated with the online personality that is Suho. Even though they have never met and he doesn't even know Suho's real name, Jongdae can't help but feel as though Suho is an older, wiser friend and confidante. What began as a few desperate, anonymous readers asking Suho for relationship advice has evolved into an entire section of Suho's blog cleverly titled "Ask Suho." Now, people flock to Suho's blog to spill about crushes, talk about self-confidence issues, and even ask for tips.

 

The thing about Suho is that he never leaves a question unanswered, and he always knows the exact right thing to say. Jongdae will enthusiastically admit that Suho posts advice so genuine and sincere that it moves Jongdae to tears at times. And occasionally, someone will tell Suho about how his words- through his stories and his advice- saved their life. Jongdae himself had stayed strong through a rocky period thanks to Suho's writing. Yet, Suho is so humble and so gracious that he’s somehow always surprised by the fact that people even care about what he has to say.

 

Jongdae feels like he's fighting a war of "senpai notice me" on two fronts. But at the same time, Jongdae can't deny the possible influence of one crush on the other, especially after he discovers Suho's selca tag. Even though the lighting is dark and Suho's face is further obscured by a too-large snapback, Jongdae's breath catches at the sight of the writer's pale, smooth skin, straight, narrow nose, and pink, pouty lips. Jongdae tries to think of adjectives to describe Suho's face, but not much other than "godly" comes to mind. He's sure that Suho would be more successful in conveying the image in words.

 

Maybe it's just a projection of his own feelings, but Jongdae swears that Suho looks just like Kim Joonmyun. And so he forms a perfect person in his mind, someone with the thoughtful compassion of Suho and the compelling magnetism of Kim Joonmyun. This perfect person also happens to look like both Suho and Joonmyun, and Jongdae is screwed because nobody can be all those things at once and look that attractive at the same time. But perfect people like that only exist in fanfiction, so Jongdae is content with having one-sided crushes on both Kim Joonmyun and Suho for now. If he can’t have either, he might as well just pine for both.

 

It's a testament to Jongdae's desperation when the mere sight of Joonmyun's name neatly signed in his math textbook is enough to make his heart flutter. Joonmyun used this textbook, he thinks dreamily to himself. He touched this textbook and now I get to touch it too, and I need to stop because I sound pathetic even to myself right now.

 

Jongdae flips idly through the pages, trying to find the section on spherical coordinate systems because he has no idea how to do conversions and his test is next week. But his mind wanders to his reading list, which he pulls open on his phone, only to find an alarmingly low number of Krisyeol fics. So Jongdae peruses the Krisyeol fic tag in order to stack up his reading list with a balance of angst and fluff. But before he knows it, the hands on his clock read 10 pm. He needs to get into bed for his eight straight hours, or else he'll be a zombie tomorrow. Jongdae quickly flips to the table of contents and finds the lesson under the vector applications chapter. He opens his book to the correct page and leaves his desk to roll into bed. Fair enough effort for tonight, he decides.

 

When he gets home from school the next day, the first thing he does is to check Suho's blog for updates. He is startled to find a post titled "Good news and bad news." The bad news must be really terrible if Suho is acknowledging it as bad news. Suho's apparent Panglossian optimism renders him unable to look at any given incident without putting a positive spin on it. Dread curls in Jongdae's belly as he clicks on the "read more" cut.

 

"Hey everyone, I thought I would start with the bad news first just to get it over with. Unfortunately I'll have to take a break from writing for awhile because I've been showing some early symptoms of carpal tunnel syndrome. Ha ha, I guess it's pretty revealing that I've gotten injured from typing away at my laptop all day... But not to worry, I just have to wear a wrist splint and lay off using my wrist for a bit.

 

"Now for the good news, I finally got the courage to talk to someone who I had always admired, but felt too shy and intimidated to reach out to. Perhaps that is something some of you are familiar with... Which brings me to my challenge for all of you. Do something this week that terrifies you! Wear that outfit that you think looks great on you, but you've been too scared to step out of the house with... Stand up for yourself... Confess to that special someone... I've learned very recently that, even if things don't quite work out, you will feel better after you've faced your fears. Stay strong and be brave, everyone~"

 

He's like a grandpa, sharing his words of wisdom, Jongdae thinks fondly. Then he frowns deeply. No, not like a grandpa at all, why did I think of that. He shudders, trying to shake off the comparison of Suho to his grandfather.

 

Like always, Suho concludes his personal post with a positive, encouraging message, a mini life lesson that Jongdae actually wants to take to heart. Today's uplifting remark really resonates with Jongdae, more so than usual. After reading Suho's message, Jongdae realizes that now is as good a time as any to finally pursue the class president of his dreams.

 

As Jongdae ponders how to best approach Joonmyun, he realizes that he has the opportunity to kill two birds with one stone.

 

It takes him fifteen minutes to type the message, as he carefully deliberates over each word, trying to sound casual but not too aloof. Sincere but not gushy. It takes another five minutes for him to gather the strength to click the "submit" button.

 

funkyfunkychenchen: Hey Suho! There's this guy who goes to my school who I think kinda looks just like you. I mean, you guys are both really cute^^ Do you want me to show you a photo?

 

Jongdae rationalizes that if he doesn't receive an answer from Suho, he'll be content with coming that far out of his shell. He won't have interacted with Joonmyun this time around, but reaching out to Suho would be a big enough step for Jongdae. If Suho is interested however, then it provides Jongdae with further impetus to finally talk to Joonmyun.  

 

All too soon, Jongdae receives a reply.

 

suho: I'd love to see my doppelganger! ^^

 

Upon seeing the reply, Jongdae feels a hot jolt of adrenaline, and his heart beats rapidly as the words sink in. There's no turning back now, Jongdae is going to talk to Joonmyun.

 

All morning, Jongdae mentally rehearses what he's going to do and say. He's going to approach Joonmyun at lunch because that's the only period they share. Then he's going to casually ask for a selca with the class president to show to his friend in Australia who looks just like him. No big deal.

 

Unfortunately Jongdae's new school uniform is still in the washer, so he has to wear last year's. The collared shirt and blazer still fit him perfectly, but the khaki pants are a little small. They reveal a sliver of skin at his ankle and cling a bit too tightly to his thighs. Nothing to feel overly self-conscious about, though.

 

At least, that’s what Jongdae thinks in the morning. But by the time lunch rolls around, Jongdae is wishing that his khakis were a little bit looser, because the way they cling to every contour of his thighs is leaving very little to the imagination. He swears that his slick phone case is going to slip right out of his hand with the way his palms have suddenly gotten sweaty at the sight of Joonmyun chattering away at his lunch table. Jongdae is starting to have second thoughts about this all, but his feet are moving of their own accord, and before he knows it, Jongdae is standing right behind Joonmyun.

 

The students at Joonmyun’s table have quieted and are all looking at Jongdae curiously. Joonmyun, however, still seems preoccupied with pushing his rice around with his chopsticks and chuckling to himself about a joke someone had just made. It’s too late to flee, so Jongdae quietly clears his throat. Joonmyun turns around, slightly startled.

 

There are question marks in his eyes, so Jongdae quickly tries to explain, “Hey, Joonmyun, I just wanted to- holy , what happened to your wrist?”

 

Jongdae mentally kicks himself for straying off-script, but he caught a glimpse of a black brace around Joonmyun’s left wrist and couldn’t help himself.

 

Eyes widening in surprise, Joonmyun quickly hides his wrist under the table. “I- sprained my wrist playing basketball,” he says quietly.

 

“Basketball? But don’t you play golf?” Jongdae asks, but then realizes with mortification that Joonmyun doesn’t even know his name, yet Jongdae has just revealed that he knows a creepy amount of information about the class president.

 

If Joonmyun bothered by this fact, he doesn’t show it. “I play basketball, too,” he explains a little too quickly. Jongdae eyes him suspiciously for a moment as Joonmyun seems suddenly nervous for some reason.

 

“Anyways, can I help you…?” Joonmyun asks with a polite smile, because Joonmyun is always polite and smiley no matter who he’s talking to, even if the person is a total creep like Kim Jongdae.

 

“Oh- yeah! This is going to sound weird…” Jongdae can’t help but take a moment to cringe at his choice of words because their conversation so far has been olympically weird already. But he bravely plows on, nevertheless.

 

“I have this friend who lives in Australia, and he looks just like you. Wild, right?” Jongdae laughs nervously because he isn’t quite sure what to do.

 

Joonmyun isn’t sure what to say either, so he just responds, “Yeah, that does sound wild.” His eyes are still confused, and Jongdae is screaming internally at this point and regretting every second of this conversation.

 

“I just wanted to ask...if you would be willing to take a selca with me. So that I can show my friend, I mean,” Jongdae sputters, feeling heat rise in his cheeks as the other students look on with clear amusement.

 

Thankfully, Joonmyun’s eyes have brightened, and the grin he flashes Jongdae is blinding, but sincere. “Of course!” he agrees enthusiastically, jumping to his feet.

 

Joonmyun always holds himself with a confidence that makes him stand proud and tall, so Jongdae is a little surprised to find that he is actually a little shorter than Jongdae himself. The class president curls a hand around Jongdae’s waist, and Jongdae is proud of himself for not hyperventilating in that very moment as he fumbles around for his phone.

 

Damn that slippery polyethylene phone case, Jongdae thinks as he almost drops his phone in his nervousness.

 

By some of luck, Jongdae is able to successfully capture a photo without shattering his phone in the process. He is squeezing his phone back into his pocket when he realizes that Joonmyun is still clinging onto him.

 

Jongdae feels the tip of Joonmyun's nose nuzzle briefly against his neck. He hears a tiny, almost inaudible inhale, and what the hell, did Joonmyun just smell him?!

 

That morning, Jongdae had spritzed Gucci Guilty all over himself that because it's the scent that Kris wears in "Dominate Me", and Suho had described it as smelling like "liquid ." Jongdae hopes that he hadn't applied the scent too liberally, because when Joonmyun finally pulls away, his eyes are somewhat unfocused and his lips are parted slightly.

 

“T-thanks,” he stammers, unable to take his eyes off Joonmyun, who looks disheveled for the first time Jongdae has ever seen. He follows Joonmyun's eyes as they rake appreciatively down his body, and Jongdae is suddenly a little glad that his pants cling to him in all the right places.

 

But then Joonmyun’s expression smoothes out into his trademark affable composure that Jongdae realizes, with a thrill, may just be a mask.

 

As he floats away from Joonmyun’s lunch table in a daze, Jongdae feels as though he has defeated gravity. He feels lightheaded, weightless. Even the corners of his mouth start to pull upwards of their own accord.  

 

Jongdae unlocks his phone with a blissful swipe to examine his spoils of war. He had been concentrating too hard on making his own face look somewhat normal in their selca to notice what Joonmyun was doing. But when he looks at the photo saved on his camera roll, Jongdae has to muffle a groan because Kim Joonmyun is highly illegal and must be stopped immediately. In the photo, Joonmyun has lifted his fingers in a "V" sign, and his tongue is sticking out slightly, caught between between his bright, white teeth and lower lip. He looks so ing cute that Jongdae feels suddenly angry for some incomprehensible reason. Nobody with Joonmyun's charisma and confidence should be allowed look that cute.

 

The rest of the day passes by in a beatific blur, and Jongdae eagerly hops on his laptop as soon as he gets home to upload the selca he took with Joonmyun.

 

"Suho" gets such a large volume of messages that the one he had received earlier in week from “funkyfunkychenchen” had completely disappeared from his mind. To his shock, he discovers in his “Ask Suho” inbox a photo of an attractive boy with sweet eyes and sharp cheekbones with his arm curled around...himself. Joonmyun blinks, scrambling to figure out why someone sent him a photo of himself. Then he puts the pieces together. The sender of the anonymous message he had received about his "doppelganger" and the cute boy who had bashfully approached him at his lunch table...were the same person. A rather attractive person who had called him cute, too.

 

He reads over the accompanying text and can’t help but let a giggle bubble up his throat.

 

funkyfunkychenchen: Here’s the promised selca! I hope I’m not just crazy, but do you see the resemblance as well?

 

Joonmyun’s fingers are jittery as he types a message in reply.

 

suho: Wow, he does look a lot like me! That's pretty wild! You guys look good together by the way... Are you dating??

 

Luckily, the other boy is also online, so their exchange is smooth and relatively uninterrupted. But still, Joonmyun finds himself waiting in eager anticipation for every response.

 

funkyfunkychenchen: We’ve...never actually talked to be honest. This was the first time I had ever been within hearing distance of him.

 

suho: Why not? He looks like a pretty nice guy, and you two are adorable next to each other.

 

Something hot unfurls in Joonmyun’s stomach as he reads Jongdae’s next message, but he tries to respond as calmly as he can.

 

funkyfunkychenchen: I don’t know. He might be a total .

 

suho: What makes you think that?

 

funkyfunkychenchen: He’s just...too perfect, you know? Honestly, though, I’ve just been too intimidated to talk to him. I don’t think he’d be interested in me...the way I’m interested in him.

 

Funny things are happening to Joonmyun’s insides as he types back to Jongdae.

 

suho: I’m sure he would be interested in you!! What makes you think he wouldn’t be?

 

funkyfunkychenchen: We have nothing in common. He's valedictorian material, I highly doubt he spends all his time online like I do.

 

suho: You’d be surprised.

 

funkyfunkychenchen: ...You think so? If you keep going on like this, I might actually think I have a shot at this guy…

 

suho: I have total faith in you! Go for it!!  ☆*･゜ﾟ･*\(^O^)/*･゜ﾟ･*☆

 

funkyfunkychenchen: You know what, I think I just might. Thanks, Suho!

 

suho: No problem! Forgive me for asking though...But do you really think this guy is an ?

 

The time it takes for Jongdae to respond is entirely too long, and Joonmyun’s pajama pants have been reduced to a wrinkly mess by the time he receives another notification.

 

funkyfunkychenchen: No, I don’t. I guess I just needed to rationalize the fact that I’m just another coward with an incapacitating fear of rejection.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

Joonmyun feels an aching tug, deep in his chest. All he wants to do is take Jongdae into his arms and tell him that there’s nothing to be afraid of and maybe make out with him for a bit. But as much as Joonmyun wants to make everything better for Jongdae, he knows that the best thing for Jongdae to do is to learn how to go after what he wants and make things better for himself.

 

suho: Awww, there’s nothing to be afraid of! I hope you do try to go after this guy! You deserve to be happy. (And you’re so cute, how could anyone say no to you.)

 

If Jongdae had been giddy before, he is absolutely euphoric now. Talking to Joonmyun had been a little awkward, mostly because of Jongdae. But talking to Suho made Jongdae feel dizzy with glee. Even though he had never messaged Suho before, he knew that the writer always said the right words to make people feel good about themselves. But this had gone even better than he had imagined. Because even if things don’t work out with Joonmyun, Jongdae at least has the satisfaction of knowing that Suho(!!!) thinks he’s cute. Confessing to Joonmyun had not been a part of the original plan, but Suho had told him to go for it. How could Jongdae refuse Suho.

 

Joonmyun is the type of guy that all the boys want to be and all the girls want to be with. He probably spends all his free time on healthy, wholesome activities like playing golf and volunteering at soup kitchens. Jongdae is certain that he and Joonmyun have absolutely nothing in common, but somehow Suho’s words have given him hope that maybe his crush might not be so hopeless after all. Either way, it’s a slightly more realistic option than thirsting for Suho himself, whose location is listed as Australia.

 

Jongdae isn’t sure what he’s going to do exactly, as the last time he carefully choreographed all of his moves didn’t exactly work out as planned. Jongdae is determined to make an extemporaneous confession, but he has to do it soon, before his determination runs out.

 

The very next day, Jongdae decides, is a good day to confess to Joonmyun. Suho’s words of encouragement are still fresh in his mind, and Jongdae wants to talk to Joonmyun again before his existence slips from the popular class president’s memory.

 

At lunch, Joonmyun escapes to the back exit before Jongdae has a chance to approach him, but that’s okay, because he doesn’t want a repeat performance of the day before. Asking for a selca in front of all of Joonmyun’s friends was humiliating enough, and not even Jongdae is masochistic enough to lay his feelings bare in that same environment.

 

Jongdae waits a few minutes so it doesn’t seem like he is intentionally following Joonmyun around. He is already formulating a plan in his head. After leaving the cafeteria through the back exit, he will probably find Joonmyun outside casually hanging out by the dumpster or something, whatever it is that cool kids do to escape the confines of society and school cafeterias. Jongdae isn’t sure, because he’s never had the guts to leave the building during school hours. But he’ll act like he had intentionally left the cafeteria to be cool and hang outside, and he’ll casually bump into Joonmyun and casually pull him aside and casually proclaim that Joonmyun is the love of his life. Maybe not those words exactly. But Jongdae really hopes that it will be casual.

 

It’s kind of thrilling, Jongdae realizes as he weaves his way between lunch tables with his backpack slung on one shoulder. He has no idea what to expect for when he “bumps into” Joonmyun outside. What if Joonmyun is smoking a cigarette? Jongdae’s mind throttles into overdrive as he imagines himself plucking the cigarette from between Joonmyun’s fingers and grinding it into the ground because smoking is disgusting, in Jongdae’s opinion. Joonmyun will be in awe of how cool and life-saving Jongdae is and listen avidly to his confession with hearts in his eyes. Jongdae imagines himself as a cool, Korean James Dean circa Rebel Without a Cause in his little fantasy because why not.

 

Before he knows it, Jongdae is being blinded by sunlight. He hasn’t been outside since seven in the morning when it was still dark outside, so he’s not used to seeing so much natural light this early in the day. To Jongdae’s relief, Joonmyun is not smoking a cigarette. Although he has previously tried to convince himself otherwise, bad boys really aren’t Jongdae’s type. Jongdae’s type is seemingly perfect human beings who are too nice to exist and too attractive for their own good. Not to mention highly unobtainable. Unfortunately, Jongdae only knows two people like this. One happens to live on another continent (but by some miracle thinks that Jongdae is cute), and the other...is currently playing frisbee in the back parking lot.

 

Joonmyun isn’t alone, which was not something that Jongdae had anticipated. He silently bemoans his sense of foresight and is about to make a retreat when Joonmyun happens to spot him and tries to wave him over. Of course, Jongdae’s willpower is zero when it comes to Joonmyun asking him to do things. (Not that Joonmyun has ever asked him to do anything before, of course. It’s just that Jongdae just has fantasies sometimes, and he never says no to Joonmyun in any of them. Jongdae doesn’t want to talk about those fantasies.)

 

Jongdae finds himself walking towards Joonmyun, who is grinning and waving at him. He suddenly doesn’t care that there are other people around, because Joonmyun’s smile makes him feel like anything is possible. But suddenly, everything is in slow motion, and Jongdae sees Joonmyun’s smile slip into wide-eyed, wide-mouthed panic. Joonmyun is shouting something at him, but Jongdae can’t understand because his mind is already so hazy from being in Joonmyun’s proximity.

 

When Jongdae feels a sharp blow to his forehead, he finally understands what Joonmyun was trying to tell him.

 

“I’m so, so sorry!” Joonmyun is apologizing profusely and kneeling down to pull Jongdae to his feet. “Let me take you to the nurse’s office!”

 

It’s fine, it’s not your fault, I should have seen the frisbee coming, Jongdae wants to say. He also wants to tell Joonmyun that he’s perfectly capable of walking on his own, but the tight grip Joonmyun has around his shoulders and waist feels nice, so he keeps his mouth shut.

 

Joonmyun ushers him to one of the springy cots, slipping Jongdae’s backpack off his shoulder and gently encouraging him to lay down. He brushes Jongdae’s bangs away from his forehead, and leaves the room to speak with the school nurse in a low murmur.

 

He comes back with an ice pack in hand, which he wraps in a towel before placing it against Jongdae’s forehead. Jongdae is still stuck on how Joonmyun’s hand had touched his forehead for no apparent reason, but he chalks it up to Joonmyun just having really strong maternal instincts. It makes sense, because mothers are angelic human beings, and Joonmyun is just heavenly. But then Jongdae starts to feel weird again because he should really stop comparing Joonmyun to family members.

 

And suddenly Joonmyun is kneeling down next to him. “I don’t think you’re concussed, but…” He peers closely into Jongdae’s eyes, his face mere centimeters away from Jongdae’s own. His eyes are wide with concern, and his breath fans across Jongdae’s face. It isn’t until Joonmyun reluctantly stands back up that Jongdae feels like he can breathe again.

 

“Again, I’m really sorry,” Joonmyun says, and Jongdae has no idea why Joonmyun keeps apologizing because none of this was Joonmyun’s fault, and it really wasn’t even a big deal. In fact, Jongdae should be the one apologizing for interrupting Joonmyun’s game of frisbee.

 

But all that Jongdae manages to choke out is, “It’s okay.”

 

“Good. I’m glad it’s okay.” Joonmyun smiles like he is genuinely glad, and Jongdae is feeling dizzy again because Joonmyun’s smiles are blinding to begin with, and now his radiance is fully focused on Jongdae alone. “By the way,” Joonmyun adds. “I never quite got your name…”

 

“Kim Jongdae!” he blurts out a little too quickly and blushes at his own enthusiasm.

 

But Joonmyun just laughs, and it bathes Jongdae in a warm glow because Joonmyun is laughing at something he said. It makes Jongdae feel just that more accomplished, being able to bring a little more sunshine into Joonmyun’s life.

 

“Kim Jongdae,” Joonmyun repeats. Jongdae likes how his name sounds on Joonmyun’s tongue. “Well, I’m Kim Joonmyun.” He extends a hand towards Jongdae.

 

Jongdae wants to say, I know. But he’s too distracted by how good Joonmyun’s hand feels on his own.

 

“We could be like, the Kim brothers or something,” Joonmyun muses thoughtfully.

 

This statement has Jongdae laughing humorlessly because he sees nothing funny in the thought of them being siblings.

 

“I’m just kidding,” Joonmyun says teasingly. “I don’t think I would want for us to be siblings.”

 

Jongdae laughs again in nervous agreement, because he isn’t quite sure what Joonmyun meant by that. Before he can ask (not that he was going to, of course), the bell is ringing to announce the end of the lunch period.

 

“Wait- Joonmyun! I have something to tell you.”

 

“I’m so sorry, can we talk about it later? I need to go now…”

 

Once again, Joonmyun is apologizing, this time because he can’t stay by Jongdae’s side since he has a class next period that he can’t miss. He leaves the nurse’s office with a sad little wave and a look of real regret in his eyes. Jongdae’s mind is still reeling over the fact that Joonmyun had even accompanied him to the nurse’s office to begin with.

 

Being taken care of by Joonmyun was like a dream come true. But, unfortunately, Jongdae still hasn’t accomplished Operation: Confess to Joonmyun.

 

With nobody else even remotely interested in what Jongdae has to say, he finds himself typing another message to Suho, deploring his own lack of success in his simple mission.

 

funkyfunkychenchen: I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t confess to him.

 

The response is rapid, and Jongdae feels his heart swell at Suho’s perpetual, non-judgmental willingness to lend an ear.

 

suho: Aww, I’m sorry. What happened? Do you want to talk about it?

 

funkyfunkychenchen: Honestly, I’m not sure what happened. Things just didn’t really go as planned, I guess. Well, actually, I didn’t really have a plan to begin with. And things just kind of went downhill from there.

 

suho: Oh… I hope you won’t give up though! I mean, you haven’t even actually confessed to him yet. I have no doubt that he would gladly accept someone as sweet and sincere as yourself. ^^

 

funkyfunkychenchen: I appreciate the vote of confidence. I just hope that I don’t mess everything up again.

 

suho: I’m sure it wasn’t your fault that the circumstances weren’t exactly the best. Maybe try planning things out a little more next time?

 

funkyfunkychenchen: That’s a good idea. Thank you so much, Suho.

 

suho: Anytime, Jongdae. ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ

 

Suho’s last message gives Jongdae a little bit of pause because he doesn’t remember ever revealing his real name. But Jongdae just shrugs it off as a tiny lapse in memory due to his frazzled nerves.

 

This time around, Jongdae feels prepared for his confession. He has prepared a little speech so he doesn’t end up floundering over his own words, and he even purchased a box of chocolates after consulting Suho for a gift to accompany his confession. He doesn’t seek out Joonmyun at lunch though, because he’s learned his lesson that Joonmyun is too popular for his own good and is thus never without an entourage during school hours.

 

After school, Jongdae waits by Joonmyun’s bus (he doesn’t want to talk about how he knows which bus Joonmyun rides), but even by the time the last bus pulls out of the parking lot, Joonmyun still hasn’t made an appearance. Jongdae checks his watch. There’s no way that he’s still inside talking to teachers or whatever it is that class presidents do. But he hasn’t seen Joonmyun leave the building, either. Jongdae feels panic rising in his throat, because what if Joonmyun had seen him waiting by his bus and was hiding in the school on purpose.

 

Suddenly, Jongdae is approached by a school staff member who is asking him why he’s still loitering out in the parking lot.

 

“I’m- looking for Kim Joonmyun,” he explains hastily.

 

The staff member nods knowingly. Everyone is always looking for Kim Joonmyun.

 

“He’s out in the meadow on the other side of the building,” the adult explains, and Jongdae is vigorously bobbing his head in thanks, sprinting to make up for lost time.

 

When he sees Joonmyun’s small figure in the distance, Jongdae stops to catch his breath and regulate his breathing before approaching.

 

Joonmyun is sitting cross-legged in the grassy bank of a creek on the edge of the meadow, neck curled forward to read something in his lap. When Jongdae is within earshot, he hears Joonmyun muttering, “Lepidoptera...Lepidoptera…” to himself.

 

“Hey! Joonmyun!” Jongdae calls. Startled by the sudden noise, Joonmyun jumps and scrambles to hide the book in his lap. But when the class president turns around to see Jongdae behind him, he visibly relaxes and stops trying to shield the cover of the book.

 

"What are you doing out here? What's that book you're holding?" Jongdae asks. Curiosity has always gotten the better of him.

 

Joonmyun lifts the book up for Jongdae to see. The title embossed on the front reads The Audubon Society Field Guide to Insects and Spiders. It’s a professional looking leather-bound edition, with way too many words and not enough pictures. "I'm looking for butterflies," Joonmyun explains with a dreamy smile on his face.

 

"Butterflies?" Jongdae repeats blankly. He hadn’t seen that one coming.

 

"Yeah, I like to seek out the beautiful things in life. By the way, I've been looking for you! We haven't had a chance to talk since...you know. Didn’t you say there was something you wanted to tell me?”

 

Jongdae knows all too well what Joonmyun is referring to, but he isn't quite ready to go through with his confession just yet, so he bides his time.

 

"What kind of butterflies are you looking for?" he asks with genuine curiosity.

 

Joonmyun looks at him with widened eyes, as though he is surprised that Jongdae is even interested. He pats a grassy spot on the ground for Jongdae to sit next to him. Jongdae tries to keep his breathing steady as Joonmyun points out facts and figures in the field guide and fluttering streaks of color darting through the air around them. Jongdae finds himself gradually calmed by Joonmyun's soothing presence and patient explanations. It feels dangerously easy being with Joonmyun. Jongdae only hopes that he won’t get used to it too soon, since he has no idea how his confession will go over.

 

"Don't tell the kids at school about this, okay?" Joonmyun laughs, closing the book. "I don't want them to know that their class president is actually a giant nerd who looks for butterflies in his spare time."

 

Jongdae can't help but ask, "Why am I allowed to know?"

 

This gives Joonmyun pause, as he takes a moment to mull over his next words. "Because I feel like you know me better than anyone else, the real me," he says finally.

 

Jongdae isn't sure what to say, or what that glimmer dancing in Joonmyun's eyes is supposed to mean. Later, Jongdae will realize that he had essentially played into into Joonmyun's hands, that Joonmyun's subtle encouragement had given him the strength he needed to continue with the confession, that Joonmyun had been just as nervous as he was.

 

They are both lost in their thoughts for a moment, but it's Joonmyun who breaks the silence. "Anyways, Jongdae. What brings you out here?"

 

Jongdae gulps thickly. It's now or never, he thinks to himself. "I actually had something I wanted to tell you..."

 

He glances over at Joonmyun, sees his enthusiastic nod of encouragement, and plunges into his  prepared speech.

 

"You know how they say there is nothing new under the sun... Well, you are the sun to me, and you shed a radiance that bathes the world in a golden glow that makes me see everything in a new light."

 

Joonmyun is staring at him with an unreadable look in his eyes. He's not frowning, though, so Jongdae wills himself to keep going.

 

"You bring the blush of autumn to the summer leaves, you're the playful bite of the snowfall in winter, and..." Jongdae stops because he suddenly feels like he can't breathe, some invisible weight pinning him down by the chest. The words no longer form in his mouth, and he feels as though his ribcage is being crushed by an invisible hand. He doesn’t even care at this point whether Joonmyun rejects him or not, because he just wants to finish his dumb plagiarized speech before he makes an even greater fool out of himself.

 

"...and I feel like a bird drawn to your blossom, your nectar is so sweet," Joonmyun finishes for him.

 

Jongdae gapes at him in shock. The confession was straight out of "Dominate Me."

 

“H-how did y-you know I was going to say that?" Jongdae sputters. Either Joonmyun is psychic, or…

 

"Because I wrote it myself," Joonmyun grins wryly.

 

“You little er!” Jongdae shrieks as the realization sinks in. Joonmyun has known this whole time that Jongdae wanted to confess, witnessing the series of disasters that is Kim Jongdae. Joonmyun...is Suho. Jongdae can already tell that it’s going to take awhile for him to fully wrap his head around that fact.

 

Joonmyun just laughs, placing his hand on Jongdae’s shoulder. “I’ll admit, I had a little fun watching you squirm for awhile there. But, overall, I think this was a good experience for you, don’t you agree?”

 

But Jongdae is still too busy reveling over the fact that Joonmyun is Suho to discuss the larger implications of what Joonmyun is referring to as his “experience.”

 

"I've read all of your fanfiction," Jongdae whispers in awe. "You taught me everything I know about gay ."

 

"Then you should know how this next part goes," Joonmyun chuckles, crawling onto Jongdae's lap to straddle his hips.

 

Despite all the kiss scenes that Jongdae has read about in fanfiction, none of it is as thrilling as the real thing. He also finds that it's a lot warmer and wetter than what most writers describe, as he feels Joonmyun’s tongue twist around his.

 

Jongdae's nose is pressed to Joonmyun's cheek, and every inhale he takes is another lungful of Joonmyun. He drags his hand down Joonmyun's chest and discovers that the older boy's heart is beating as rapidly as his own beneath his navy blue blazer. He wonders if Joonmyun is narrating in his head, searching for adjectives to describe the sensations to use in his next story. Jongdae breaks the kiss, and Joonmyun makes a soft noise in the back of his throat. His eyes dart back and forth searchingly between Jongdae's.

 

"Are you going to use this? Write about us in one of your stories?" Jongdae asks hesitantly.

 

"Of course not," Joonmyun breathes. "There's no way I'm sharing you with anyone." He clasps his hands around the back of Jongdae's neck to bring him closer for another kiss.

 

After they break apart, Jongdae still has one question on his lips that he’s dying to know the answer to.

 

“Why does it say on your blog that you live in Australia?"

 

"Oh!" Joonmyun says, slightly surprised. "I forgot about that. I've always wanted to visit Australia!"

 

Jongdae laughs weakly and chooses not to mention all the agony that little detail on Suho's bio info has caused him.

 

His thoughts are interrupted by Joonmyun's cheery exclamation of, "G'day mate!"

 

Jongdae stares at him for a moment, unable to comprehend that Kim Joonmyun, aka Suho, just greeted him in an awful, embarrassing, ing adorable attempt at an Australian accent. He manages to sputter out, "Please don't do that again," partly because he might cringe himself to death, but also partly because Joonmyun is so cute that Jongdae wants to punch a hole in the ground.

 

But Joonmyun just continues with that terrible, adorable accent, asking Jongdae, "Do you want to see my bearded dragon?"

 

Jongdae chokes on his own breath this time because Joonmyun's question is simultaneously dorky, awkward, yet strangely suggestive, kind of like Joonmyun himself. It was hard at first to reconcile Jongdae's separate images of class president Kim Joonmyun and fanfiction writer Suho into this single person, but for some reason, this silly teenage boy named Joonmyun makes perfect sense.

 

Jongdae had once worshipped Kim Joonmyun and Suho, hailing them as “perfect” people. He is beginning to discover that Joonmyun is better than perfect. It’s his imperfections that make Jongdae realize that Joonmyun is human, and that Joonmyun is his.

 

For example, Joonmyun doesn’t quite know how to cook yet, but Jongdae is willing to let that slide. Because Joonmyun tries so hard when he invites Jongdae over for a date night, and Jongdae finds it kind of adorable.

 

“My parents aren’t home, so I made us dinner…” Joonmyun greets Jongdae on their first date night in.

 

Jongdae files away the first part of the sentence for later, and asks incredulously, “You made dinner?” But he laughs when his gaze falls on the brown cardboard pizza box on the dining table. He lifts the lid to take a peek inside. “Nice, I can’t wait for our homecooked delivery meal.”

 

Joonmyun grins sheepishly. “Hey, I made the salad myself!” he says, gesturing towards a bowl of leaves.

 

“I’m glad you’re capable of mixing raw vegetables together, then,” Jongdae jokes, pressing a kiss to Joonmyun’s temple.

 

After they finish dinner, Joonmyun pulls Jongdae over to the living room, plopping onto the sofa and bringing Jongdae down with him.

 

“Do you want to stay the night?” Joonmyun asks, his thumb along Jongdae’s cheek. But he freezes when he sees Jongdae’s lip press into a tense line.

 

“What’s the matter, Jongdae?” he asks in worry.

 

"I-I'm a ."

 

Joonmyun's eyes widen in panic because Jongdae sounds so scared, so small. "W-we don't have to do this, okay? If it makes you uncomfortable... We don't have to do anything you don't want to do..."

 

"That's not what I mean!” Jongdae says quickly. “I just mean...I don't know if I'll be able to make it good for you..."

 

"Oh... Um, I'm a , too."

 

"What?" Given that Joonmyun spends so much time writing graphic depictions of , Jongdae finds that a little hard to believe.

 

"Yeah... I guess you could call me traditional," Joonmyun laughs.

 

"Traditional, my ," Jongdae scoffs. "There's no way anyone who can dream up that many uses for ice cubes can be considered traditional."

 

“You know you like it,” Joonmyun grins, pinching Jongdae in the side.

 

Jongdae squawks and swats Joonmyun’s hand away, but he soon grows serious again. “You know what I like most about you, Joonmyun?”

 

“What?” Joonmyun asks, smiling indulgently.

 

"You're so full of surprises."

 

Joonmyun turns his head to look at Jongdae. "You think so? Even with everything you know already about class president Kim Joonmyun and oversharing fanfiction writer Suho?"

 

"Not that kind of stuff. The little things you tell me."

 

"What, like how I always cry at the end of High School Musical?"

 

"Yeah. I love when you do that."

 

"Do what?" Joonmyun asks, confused.

 

"Reveal something to me about yourself that other people don't know about. It makes me feel like I know a little bit more about the real you."

 

Joonmyun laughs. "I only tell this stuff to you, because I can't have the whole world knowing about how embarrassing I actually am."

 

"I like knowing that you read literary criticism for its entertainment value..."

 

"Hey, you read fan theories on Reddit! It's the same thing."

 

"That you use unlined notebooks because trying to squeeze your thoughts between lines gives you anxiety."

 

"Yeah, yeah, you got me there."

 

"I like knowing that you eat pizza with chopsticks. That you listen to funk rock. That you’re afraid of heights, but not much else."

 

"You mean, you like knowing that I'm a total nerd despite my image of being a suave motherer."

 

"Something like that," Jongdae hums and snuggles closer into Jongdae's side.

 

A few hours later, Jongdae is curled sleepily against Joonmyun, neither of them really paying attention to the movie on the television. Jongdae is blinking sleepily, enjoying the feel of Joonmyun's warmth against his body. His eyes trace up to Joonmyun, who is looking at him with a soft gaze.  

 

Jongdae tries to ask either "what's the matter" or "what's wrong", but it just comes out as, "What's the wrong?"

 

Joonmyun chuckles. "Nothing's the wrong. What's the wrong with you?"

 

"Stoooppp," Jongdae whines, pawing at Joonmyun. "I'm just tired, okay? I need some sleep."

 

"Sounds good to me," Joonmyun murmurs, lifting Jongdae off the couch to drag him to his bedroom. He combs his fingers through Jongdae's hair, whispering sweet nothings until Jongdae's eyelids grow heavy and his breathing is deep and slow.

 

Joonmyun is Jongdae's favorite bedtime story, the one that makes him smile every night before he curls into his pillow and drifts off to sleep.

 

A/N: I wrote this fic just to use the line “You taught me everything I know about gay ” how did I end up with 8.3k OTL