Warning: Has not been beta'd (or edited). Cheesy?

Sometimes, when Victoria looks at Zac, she can’t help but feel a little upset. She’s not sure where the anger comes from or exactly why she’s frustrated even, but she can’t control it and most of the time she decides to either avoid the child or occupy herself in a way that lets Zac know she doesn’t want to be disturbed.

It’s not the sight of him, really; to be more precise, it’s the thought of him—or the thought of his emergence into her life.

Often times she tries to convince herself that she’s forgotten and, most of the time, she’s successful. Yet, sometimes she’s not as fruitful and her emotions get the best of her.

“Mommy—“

“Not right now, Zac.”

“But mommy—“

“Ask your uncle, honey.”

“The—“

“Zac! I really can’t help you right now.”

Realizing that he has upset her, Zac shrinks aside and finds his way to his uncle’s room.

And sometimes, Zac sees something in Luhan and his grandma’s eyes that he doesn’t really understand either. Was it pity? Impatience? Or a kind of judgment even?

It’s time like those that Zac feels as though he doesn’t belong. They’re not often but he remembers them.

“Uncle, a man just called and said that mommy needs to meet with them at the second level conference room tomorrow morning for a costume fitting.” Zac says tentatively.

Luhan glances away from his laptop at the child. “Is your mom giving you a hard time again?”

“She’s busy,” Zac pouts.

Smiling sympathetically, Luhan gestures for Zac to come over and lifts the child into his lap. “It’s okay, she’s probably just stressed from all the work she’s been getting ready for.”

“It’s not the first time,” Zac complains.

Luhan pinches the bridge of his nose. “Are you mad?”

Zac shakes his head.

“Let’s not bother her right now then,” Luhan smiles, “we’ll tell her later tonight.”

Nodding, Zac jumps out of Luhan’s lap and drags Luhan out of his room. “Let’s make dinner, uncle!”

“Do you know how?” Luhan furrows his eyebrows.

The little boy shakes his head. “Teach me!”

“Okay, okay,” Luhan laughs. “Slow down!”

When they pass the living room on the way to the kitchen, they both notice that Victoria is gone. Her shoes are not at the door and her coat isn’t sitting in the coat rack.

Luhan is slightly worried, even when he finds the note stuck on the refrigerator.

I’m going out for a walk. –Your sister

“Tch,” Luhan clicks his tongue, ripping the sticky off and tossing it into the bin. “Your mother could have at least told us in person before she left. No dinner for her tonight!”

“Why?” Zac asks.

Luhan pinches the little boy’s cheek and turns on his heel. “She’s being rebellious, that’s all.”

At a nearby park, Victoria runs into Jongin. She is about to turn the other way when Jongin looks up towards her and their eyes meet.

His lips stretch into a smile.

“What are you doing out at this hour?” Jongin asks.

She stuffs her hands into her pockets. “I should be asking you that. Aren’t you afraid someone will recognize you and then you’ll be swarmed by fans?”

“It’s pretty quiet around here,” Jongin shrugs, “and it’s not like I don’t have a bit of a disguise on.”

That’s right; Jongin is wearing a baseball cap, a large overcoat and big sunglasses. Anywhere else in the world Jongin might stand out, but in the middle of a busy and well-populated city, this type of getup is actually rather common.

He’s actually kind of surprised that Victoria was able to recognize him right off the bat.

“Come sit over here,” Jongin says, pointing at the swing beside him. “Let’s talk a little bit.”

For the first time this entire trip, Victoria doesn’t reject his offer. She obediently takes a seat beside him and cradles herself back and forth on the swing. “You have something on your mind?” She asks.

“A lot,” Jongin admits, “but none of it is too critical.”

Victoria nods and her eyes travel in the bark dust until they land on a magazine cover that has been carelessly thrown onto the ground.

Idol boy band member Kai caught on a date with same company actress Victoria Song.

How ironic.

“Is it because of that?” She asks.

Knowing what she’s referring to, Jongin turns to look her in the eyes. “Only partially.”

“Did the company call you in?” Victoria presses.

Jongin shrugs again. “I had a nice conversation with Executive Lee; it was rather pleasant, really.”

“Liar,” Victoria grits her teeth.

 “It’s not a lie,” Jongin insists, “it’s sarcasm—there’s a difference.”

She rolls her eyes. “What do they want to do about it?”

“Either you quit or I quit.” Jongin exclaims.

Her eyes immediately widen, staring straight into his laid back expression.

“I’m joking,” he laughs.

“That’s not funny!” She sighs, about to throw a fist at him.

Jongin catches her fist and wraps his fingers around hers, lowering her hand into his lap. “I’ve thought about quitting before,” he admits, “I wanted to quit being an idol and just run after you; no one would tell me where you were and all I wanted to do was find you.”

She bites down on her lip.

“Why couldn’t I find you? I didn’t even have a clue of where to start.” Jongin sighs. “And then they told me that you would come back someday; they told me to wait right where I was, because you would return.”

“I promised,” Victoria tells him, “I promised them I would finish the rest of my contract.”

Jongin’s eyes fill with an overwhelming amount of pain as he says, “But you’ll leave again. You said it yourself, they told me—that you want to breach the contract and end your career.”

“Yes,” she admits honestly, “that’s what I wanted to do.”

“Then what about me?”

The question prods into her heart, wrenching and tearing apart the bloody organ beneath her skin and her bones. It burns—it sears past her flesh and results in a collection of suffocating tears in her eyes.

She’s crying when she says,

“I told you not to wait. You deserve better than me, Jongin.”

“But there’s no one better,” he answers, “at least, not for me.” Jongin stands and hugs her as she buries her face into his abdomen, her fingers clenched into the material of the back of his shirt.

“How do you know if you don’t try to look?”

Jongin shakes his head. “How do you know I haven’t tried?”

She pulls back and looks up at him, streaks of tears pooling from her eyes. “Have you?”

Reaching with a hand, he uses the pad of his thumb to brush away the tears from her cheeks with a helpless laugh. “Chanyeol hyung introduced his older sister to me. Xiumin hyung also tried to hook me up with his little sister. Baekhyun took me on a few blind dates. Yixing kept trying to convince me that I’m still young and have a lot of options.”

Victoria listens patiently.

“You know there isn’t a lack of young and lively girls in the idol business,” Jongin continues, “and I’ve gotten a number of folded notes and love calls. Even the girls in school have tried to ask me out on dates.”

She nods. “You’ve always been popular amongst people.”

“Vic, you’re the only one who is trying to push me away instead of bringing me in closer. Which is ironic, because you are the only one I don’t want to and never will reject,” Jongin sighs.

He squats down, just a little shorter than her, and takes both of her hands into his. He stares up into her eyes, sincere, passionate.

“Isn’t five years enough?”

Jongin wants to say: it was just ; if it makes you feel any better, I could walk out into the streets, grab a random woman and take her to a hotel. Would that make us even?

But he knows that, at least to Victoria, it wasn’t just , so, he doesn’t say it.

He could say: I’ve missed out on the experience of being a pseudo-father for five years. Give me a chance to catch up to you, will you?

Because, honestly, Jongin can disregard the fact that she was touched by another man. He will never forget or forgive that man, but having her beside him means so much more than his hatred.

So, isn’t punishing herself for five years enough? Isn’t it about time that she stops punishing Jongin, too?

“Jongin…”

“I’m thinking about admitting our relationship. I want to tell them that we’ve been together for almost seven years now and that we’re planning on building a family together. I don’t care that it’s a lie. If I can, and you know I can, I want to let them know that I’m taken and you’re taken and that no one can ever be happier than the two of us when we’re together,” he says.

“You’re only twenty five years old,” she says with her eyebrows knitted together, “you’ve got so much more waiting ahead of you.”

He runs his fingers over her frown before pulling her down and kissing her lips. “Do you really want to see me go?”

She stares into his eyes.

“Do you really have the heart to let go of me and watch me walk into another woman’s arms?”

Victoria’s breath is staggered, immense agony engulfing her once again.

“You love me,” he says with confidence. “Why push me away? Don’t give me the ‘you deserve better’ bull, because we both know that I know best what is good for me.”

“I have a child; he is both the person that I hate and love the most in this world,” she replies. “My brain is all messed up and I can’t look at anything in this country without wanting to convulse and vomit. Luhan says that being around me can sometimes be the most nerve wrecking thing, because one minute I can be totally fine with any type of interaction and the next minute I’ll snap or freak out over the faintest touch. My drawers are filled with all types of depression and anxiety prescriptions and I can’t go half a day without almost overdosing on headache pills.”

Her body won’t stop trembling as she lists the reasons why she’s not good enough for him.

She struggles for a breath of air, chest heaving as the suffocation gets worse. “I’m… I’m not normal anymore. I’m not healthy. Nothing about me is right.”

“We’ll get through it together,” Jongin smiles at her, “I’ll help you moderate your behavior and I’ll hold you if you’re feeling uncomfortable. It’s okay if you snap and it doesn’t matter that you have a son—”

“It matters to me,” she forces past her teeth. “All of it matters!”

“Victoria Song, no one is perfect.” Jongin exclaims. “We all have our issues. After you disappeared I would often act out towards the boys and briefly isolated myself into my own thoughts, my own world—a world without you. All I could think about was where you might have been and whether or not you were safe. They put me on IV drops various times because I couldn’t eat and I couldn’t sleep.”

She shakes her head. “But I—”

“Everything you’re saying is an excuse. At the end of the day, all it comes down to is the fact that you don’t trust me.”

“No, that’s not true,” she disagrees.

Jongin scoffs. “Then why? Give me a legit reason.”

She doesn’t respond for a very long time and his patience is finally running thin.

Giving up, Jongin stands to his feet and turns his back. “I told the company I’d send them a full letter statement regarding the scandal tomorrow and that will be the letter they’ll use to reply to the media. My stance is very clear; I want to publicize our relationship—or, what used to be of our relationship, before you gave up on me. Whether or not you’ll admit to it is your problem, but I’m intent on letting them know that you are mine.”

As he reluctantly forces himself to leave, he feels Victoria’s cold hands reach for his.

She says, “Jongin-ah, let’s start over, okay?”

Jongin pauses, feeling his heart jump up into his throat.

“I really don’t want to keep any of my past memories and sometimes that means I have to force myself to forget about our memories, too, but let’s start from the beginning, like we never met before.” Victoria suggests.

He doesn’t agree nor disagree with her.

After tentatively pulling him back and having him face her, she brings herself to her feet and wraps her arms around his waist, burying her face into his shoulder and basking in the vague warmth of his body.

Jongin then lifts his hands and wraps his arms around her shoulders.

Victoria says, “But let’s not go public just yet, okay? It wouldn’t be beneficial to anyone at this stage.”

Tentatively nodding, Jongin takes a deep breath and curls his fingers into her hair. The evening falls upon them, darkness draping over their forms in the middle of the park.

She smiles, biting into his collar bone. “You always somehow push me to the edge of my limits.”

“Ouch,” Jongin laughs, pinching her waist but holding her still when she tries to pull away. “You always need to be pushed to the edge before you can think clearly.”

She scrunches up her nose, biting in even deeper this time around.

He waits until she releases him before he pulls a small figurine out of his pocket and holds it out to her.

“A toy?” She asks with confusion in her eyes.

Nodding, he lifts the figurine up to eye level and tilts it around. “Yixing hyung told me to give it to Zac.”

“Why?” Victoria asks.

He grins, bending forward and pinching her cheek. “Zac told him once that even though he’s never met his dad before, he imagines his future dad to be a heroic figure. Yixing hyung made an agreement with Zac and the agreement stated that Zac will only accept a hero figurine from a man that he would accept as his dad.”

Victoria raises an eyebrow.

“Yixing knows which hero is Zac’s favorite.” Jongin laughs.

She narrows her eyes and punches his arm. “That’s cheating!”

Yet, Jongin stands still and proceeds to hold her. In a very, very gentle voice he whispers into her ears.

“If it means I can have you, then so what if I have to cheat? As long as I can have you beside me now, then I don’t need memories anymore either.”

“What was the reason behind you and Miss Victoria Song meeting up alone? How did you get caught by your fans so easily? Wasn’t it on purpose?”

On the television screen, Jongin sits in the center of a row of representatives from their company. He smiles professionally and answers each question with admirable patience.

“Victoria sunbae was a great pillar of support to our group when we first debuted almost seven years ago. Not only did she take on the role of leading lady in our music video, she also gave us a lot of advice and looked after us whenever we were at the same events together. Over time, being under the same management, our entire group became very good friends with Victoria noona. That day, Victoria noona and I were not alone at all. Victoria noona’s younger brother, Baekhyun hyung and Kyungsoo hyung were also present.”

“But they weren’t in the photos,” another reporter points out.

Jongin looks the reporters in the eyes very sincerely. “You can ask the staff at the ice cream shop and they will be able to confirm that all three of us were there that day with Victoria noona. Baekhyun hyung and Kyungsoo hyung had a schedule to attend to so they had to leave first; I took Victoria noona and her brother back to the company after we finished eating.”

The reporters write down his statements as detailed as possible.

“Honestly, it isn’t a surprise that we were discovered so easily— Baekhyun hyung, Kyungsoo hyung and I ran into Victoria noona at the company after finishing a recording and we didn’t have time to change so we left in our sponsored outfits. Victoria noona dressed rather casually but her looks are very distinct and her younger brother is also very eye catching, even amongst us idols. I have to clarify though that we absolutely had not planned on being caught and photographed so please do not misunderstand.”

He says,

“Victoria noona has only just returned from taking a long break to touch up on her education and practices so she’s quite foreign to a lot of procedures that are considered normal to artists nowadays, and I feel very apologetic for dragging her into this misunderstanding.”

However, he is interrupted. “Someone reported there was a child.”

“There was a child,” Jongin confirms with a nod. “However, I’m not very familiar with the child and the child stuck rather closely with Victoria noona’s brother. None of us really felt curious about them, so we didn’t ask.”

Luhan turns to Victoria and chuckles. “He’s a natural. You better keep a close eye on him, sis.”

“I’ve always wondered why Jongin has never gotten acting roles,” Baekhyun adds.

Kyungsoo and Chanyeol join them at the dinner table with Xiumin and Yixing closely in tow. “He’s gotten offers,” Xiumin clarifies, “he just hasn’t liked any of the scripts.”

With a pot of soup in hand, Sehun approaches them with a playful frown. “He’d never be able to beat Vic noona in acting anyhow. Might as well not waste his time, right? One actor in a family is enough.”

Chen laughs. “Oh come on, give him a break, guys. Jongin would make a great supporting role if he could get past watching Victoria noona holding romance with another man.”

Zac pouts, jumping impatiently in his seat. “What are they talking about? I keep hearing mommy’s name.”

Victoria makes a face at her son, proceeding to set the table.

Luhan pets his nephew’s head and consoles the little boy. “Your mommy has a good boyfriend, Zac! You might have a daddy soon.”

“Really?!” Zac exclaims excitedly. “Who? Who?!”

Victoria swats Luhan’s arm with the back of a pair of chopsticks, setting the table as Jongin brings out the rest of the food from the kitchen.

“We should just go public,” Jongin grumbles. "I regret the press conference already."

She rolls her eyes at him. “You just denied our relationship, literally, like five minutes ago on national television. Do you want the world to think you’re the biggest liar?”

“Vic’s right,” Kyungsoo agrees with a knowing smirk. “At least give it a day or two.”

“Or three,” Chanyeol adds.

Chen disagrees. “I say at least a week. The fans will probably be calm enough to take another blow by then.”

Xiumin grimaces. “You guys are horrible.”

Laughing, Yixing shakes his head and lifts Zac into his lap. In tender Chinese he asks the little child, “Do you want a dad?”

Little Zac nods.

“Why don’t you go and tell Uncle Jongin what your Chinese name is?”

“Zhang Yixing!” Victoria scowls.

Yixing laughs and lets Zac jump out of his lap.

Honestly, Jongin is rather surprised and caught off guard when Zac runs up to him and pulls on his wrist hard enough to make him squat down.

“My name is Song Niankai.”

Jongin tries his best to pronounce the name he is told. “Song… Niank-… Ninkai?”

“Niankai!” Zac frowns. “Song Niankai!”

Glancing at Yixing, who is staring directly at him, Jongin calls for help.

With a small shake of his head, Yixing reaches for a piece of scrap paper and a pen. He writes out the letters in Chinese, with the Korean equivalent of each character written beneath it.

“The kid’s Chinese name is Song Nian (miss) Kai. Song misses Kai. Niankai, do you know what this uncle’s alternative name is?” Yixing asks.

Zac shakes his head.

Very patiently, Yixing explains to the little child. “When Uncle Jongin is on television, everyone calls him Kai. Do you understand why your name is Niankai now?”

Little Zac looks at his mother, who clears and tries her best to hide her blushing face. There is a happiness in her eyes that Zac has never seen before.

Suddenly, Zac runs back over to Jongin and holds out his hand.

Jongin stares at him with eyes wide open.

“Weren’t you going to give me the superman toy?” Zac asks. “Do you still have it?”

Reaching into his pocket, Jongin pulls out the figurine and offers it to the child. He’s tried giving it to Zac a few days ago but the child had refused him rather directly.

Zac says, “You have to be nice to mommy, all the time!”

Everyone watches them quietly, wondering how Jongin will respond.

Slowly, Jongin smiles, lifts the boy into his ams, and says, “Definitely.”

After a moment, Zac purses his lips and turns to his mom. “Mommy, can I call Uncle Jongin daddy?”

He remembers, from a while ago, being lectured by Victoria after calling a mentor daddy. You can’t just go around calling people that, she explained to him, you can’t just call anyone your daddy.

She stutters, rather flustered, “I—I don’t know.”

“I say you can,” Luhan grins. “Go on, try.”

“Daddy!” Zac tests, laughing at how awkward it comes out.

Jongin pets him on the head. “It’s okay. We will all get used to it.”

When they all take their seats at the table, Jongin leans over towards Victoria and whispers into her ear. “You can never escape me, can you?” He teases.

The redness travels from her cheeks all the way down her neck.

“Hey! No ear biting at the dinner table,” Baekhyun groans. “You two make it so hard on us single people.”

Jongin scoffs. “Single. Right.”

“What was that about that one musical actress and Baekhyun hyung?” Sehun asks the person sitting beside him innocently. “A movie and dinner, I think?”

Kyungsoo nods. “Got to first base on the first date; at least, that’s what the paparazzi’s say.”

“Wow, Baek, seriously?” Xiumin gasps.

“Hyung, don’t listen to them!” Baekhyun pouts.

Chanyeol chirps in. “He’s got another date this weekend. Heading off for second base, anyone?”

A series of whistles follow shortly after. Baekhyun transforms into a tomato.

While everyone is busy averting their attention onto bullying Baekhyun, Jongin reaches beneath the table and holds Victoria’s hand.

He asks, “Are you still thinking about quitting?”

“What do you think?” Victoria asks in turn.

“I think you should do whatever you believe is best.” Jongin tells her.

She smiles. “You won’t be jealous if I get a lot of intimate scenes with other men?”

“Of course I will,” he says while he purses his lips, “but I think I’ll be able to live with it as long as you can.”

They all understand what he means, unfortunately.

Victoria squeezes his hand. “Actually, I’ve been thinking about opening a bakery shop. I could probably talk Kyuhyun and Minho into giving me some advice and tips.”

“What about the contract with the company?”

She shrugs. “I’ll do my best to oblige to as much as I can, but four years is really too long.”

“If you really don’t want to stay with the company, I’ll go with you to compromise with Executive Lee and the others. Two heads are better than one, you know? Maybe we can end this peacefully on both ends,” Jongin reassures her.

Victoria nods, smiling warmly at him.

Satisfied with her obedience, Jongin leans a little bit closer forward and places a gentle kiss to her lips. They are quickly met with a series of gags from various men.

“Really? At the dining table?” Baekhyun complains.

Xiumin elbows him and the others roll their eyes when Jongin throws an arm over her shoulders.

“She’s mine, I can do whatever I want whenever I want. What? You jealous?” Jongin provokes.

“I’m not,” Chen declares, “I’ve got my own back at home.”

“Same,” Xiumin agrees.

Chanyeol coughs up some form of agreement and Baekhyun, Kyungsoo and Sehun look at him in shock. “You? Park Chanyeol? Girlfriend? When?!”

“You guys run schedules with him all the time and you don’t know?” Yixing scoffs.

Xiumin nods. “I hardly have any filming with Chanyeol and I know.”

“Wait,” Sehun exclaims, “is it the new model girl the company just signed like four months ago?”

Chanyeol looks up from his bowl of rice. “How’d you know?”

“Ew,” Sehun gags, “dude, Sulli’s my cousin. She mentioned how cute you were a few nights ago. Ugh, I should have known.”

Baekhyun scoffs. “Well, Sehun, Krystal was my childhood best friend.”

“Artifact of the past,” Sehun defends himself. “We broke up years ago. It’s time for you to let it go.”

Victoria shakes her head, noticing how amused Luhan is by the constant bickering and endless conversations. “Luhan, you should think about finding a girlfriend, too. You’ve spent too much time on school and helping me take care of Zac.”

“Who says I haven’t?” Luhan grins.

This time, she’s genuinely appalled by his response.

“I can introduce you to some really nice girls,” Jongin offers. “I have two sisters.”

Luhan shies away. “Uh, no thanks, that would be very awkward.”

Yixing laughs. “Not quite the right way to kiss up to your future brother in law, buddy.”

Chuckling awkwardly, Jongin sticks his tongue out at Yixing before pulling out his phone and browsing the internet. It’s a force of habit, really, and Victoria returns to the days of having to feed him to make sure that he’s actually eating and not just playing.

The conversations drag into the deep night, as though nothing has changed—even though everything is different—yet, everyone has grown up so much and everything feels so much lighter than before.

Jongin decides to stay over instead of returning to the dorms with the rest of s. Victoria shows him how to tuck Zac in to bed and Luhan excuses himself to the shower.

While they lay in bed together, more comfortably with each other than Jongin had expected Victoria to be, his back towards her just in case she felt uneasy sleeping face to face with a man, he feels her snake an arm around his waist and lean her forehead against his shoulder blade.

“Thank you, Jongin,” Victoria says.

He shakes his head and places a hand over hers. Just like that, they fall asleep together, peacefully, happily, without having to worry that the other won’t be there anymore when they wake.

Because this time it’s not a dream, Victoria thinks.

This time, Seoul is no longer a nightmare; Seoul is filled with Jongin—Seoul is where her home and good dreams will always be.

----END----

A/N: Thank you for having so much patience and being so understanding with me! It may be a little confusing but I played around with Zac's names in different languages a bit to fit in with the story (memories, remembering, missing, etc.). Zachary (Zac for short) means "remembered by God" or "God remembers"-- there are a lot of things that Victoria did not want to remember in this fic, but even if she forgets it all, someone out there is remembering for her. ^___^ Hopefully this fic wasn't a let down! I edited a lot of what I wrote because I couldn't actually bring myself to post about Victoria suffering and in so much mental torture as she's trapped in her memories (and because this oneshot was getting waaaaaaaaaaaaay too long). I hope you all liked this fic! Next up I will be posting the prologues to both my Kristoria and Lutoria as well as officiating my Haetoria. See you all again soon, alright?? :3 ♥Xue