Kung Ako Na Lang Sana by Bituin Escalante (If I’m Only The One by Bituin Escalante)

Heto ka na naman (Here you are again)
Kumakatok sa aking pintuan (Knocking on my door)
Muling naghahanap ng makakausap (Looking for someone to talk to again)
At heto naman ako (And here I am)
Nakikinig sa mga kwento mong paulit-ulit lang (Listening to your stories which are always the same)
Nagtitiis kahit nasasaktan (Enduring it even if it hurts)

Ewan kung bakit ba (I don’t understand why)
Hindi ka ba nadadala (You don’t learn)
Hindi ba't kailan lang nang ika'y iwanan nya (Isn’t it just recently when he left you?)
At ewan ko nga sa'yo (And I don’t understand you)
Parang bale wala ang puso ko (Like you don’t care about my heart)
Ano nga bang meron siya (What does he have)
Na sa akin ay di mo makita (That you don’t see in me?)

Chorus:
Kung ako na lang sana ang iyong minahal (If I’m only the one you love)
Di ka na muling mag-iisa (You will never have to be alone again)
Kung ako na lang sana ang iyong minahal (If I’m only the one you love)
Di ka na muling luluha pa (You will never have to cry again)
Di ka na mangangailan pang humanap ng iba (You will never have to look for someone else)
Narito ang puso ko (Here is my heart)
Naghihintay lamang sa iyo (Only waiting for you)

Verse 2:

Heto pa rin ako (Here I am still)
Umaasa ang puso mo (Hoping that your heart)
Baka sakali pang ito'y magbago narito lang ako (That maybe, it will still change)
Narito lang ako, kasama mo buong buhay mo (I’m just here, with you all your life)
Ang kulang na lang mahalin mo rin akong lubusan (The only thing that’s missing is for you to love me, too)

(Repeat Chorus 2x)
Kung ako na lang sana… (If I’m only the one…)

-

The streets were still busy and noisy, despite it being past eight in the evening already. It’s late autumn and the breeze was getting colder each passing night. People were walking outside, hurrying to get home to their families and eat dinner or meet friends they haven’t seen for too long and maybe drink. Even though it was cold, there was still a considerably large amount of people outside.

Jongdae let go of his thin, white curtain and closed the door going to his small veranda. He couldn’t remember when was the last time he took time to go there. Often these days, he was too tired from work or too busy with work that he has no time to feel the cold breeze there.

He was getting ready to sleep. The demand in his office was getting too much each passing day and Jongdae wasn’t sure if he could withhold everything until his contract ends. He was too tired to even think of making something edible for himself to eat. Ordering something on his way home didn’t cross his mind because the only thing he wanted to do when it was time to go home was to go home. Ordering something at that time didn’t sound great at all as well. The fifteen minutes guaranteed delivery time was too long for Jongdae and he wasn’t even sure if he could wait that long and not fall asleep.

Finally, Jongdae decided to let the heavens decide his fate of skipping three dinners in a row and thought that he’ll just eat something hearty the next morning. Maybe, he’ll wake up early and throw himself spaghetti or something.

He was just about to go to bed when he hears a knock.

“What the hell.” Jongdae wasn’t a very friendly person. Many people thinks he was because he goes along well with almost everybody but in all honestly, Jongdae goes along well with everybody but he thinks nobody really knows him, or that he really knows anybody. But even though that was the case, Jongdae couldn’t exactly ignore the very insistent knocking on the door. It’s not like he could fall asleep with that anyway.

He was about to lecture whoever it was that it was impolite to bother someone at that time of the night especially when there was no warning whatsoever at all when he saw Baekhyun, eyes were red and swollen, still sniffing and wiping tears off his eyes which didn’t change anything because as he wiped tears, there were still a million more cascading down his beautiful, brown eyes.

That was how Jongdae remembers Baekhyun’s eyes. Even though Jongdae would say if he would be asked that the entirety of Baekhyun was wonderful, Jongdae remembers Baekhyun’s eyes as beautiful, sparkling at the thought of something mischievous and shimmering like precious gems when he was happy. That was how Jongdae remembers them but seeing Baekhyun like that, Jongdae didn’t have to ask. That’s what more, maybe. Jongdae knew.

He didn’t have to ask and Baekhyun didn’t have to explain because they knew each other like that. As a matter of fact, they’ve known each other for so long that if there was anything they didn’t know about the other, that would most probably be a lie. Jongdae slightly moved so that Baekhyun could go in. There were no words exchanged, just Jongdae helping Baekhyun on his living room couch.

Baekhyun was shivering and Jongdae realized that he wasn’t wearing any coat. He probably ran out of their place and went to Jongdae after fighting with Chanyeol. When he looked at Baekhyun’s feet, he realized he also wasn’t wearing any thick socks, or any socks for that matter. He wasn’t wearing any gloves, any scarves or any hats and Jongdae realized how Baekhyun must have freezing. It bothered him that Chanyeol let Baekhyun ran out like that. Baekhyun could have frozen to death outside. Didn’t Chanyeol realize that?

Jongdae was mad not because he could have taken cared of Baekhyun better but because Chanyeol didn’t. He thought he was through thinking what could have been for him and Baekhyun and he knew it would only hurt himself. Pissed off, after helping Baekhyun on his couch, Jongdae was about to stand up to get Baekhyun a cup of tea, something warm because he was shaking, and blankets, but Baekhyun stopped him and held Jongdae beside him.

“Don’t leave,” Baekhyun whispered, his voice was shaky, far from what Jongdae remembers as Baekhyun’s high-pitched and lively voice. He looked at Jongdae like he was a lost puppy, unloved and alone.

“I’m just going to get some blanket, Baek,” Jongdae tried saying, carefully removing Baekhyun’s hand on his sweatshirt.

“Don’t leave,” Baekhyun repeated, in a voice far lower, far weaker than before, and Jongdae couldn’t leave. Baekhyun’s eyes were tearing up again and he was shaking and his voice was trembling and he was catching his breath and Jongdae sat back beside Baekhyun again, letting the older one snuggle closer, letting Baekhyun’s head rest on the crook of his neck and Baekhyun’s arm on his waist.

Jongdae didn’t want to ask. As a matter of fact, he didn’t want to know because he knew already. Baekhyun and Chanyeol fought. Baekhyun was too angry so he ran away from their house and Chanyeol was too proud to come after Baekhyun. It was probably something petty, like there was no salad when Chanyeol should have gotten them on his way home for dinner or Baekhyun was being too insistent on watching that drama instead of Chanyeol’s favorite variety show. To be honest, Jongdae didn’t know why they even stay together when they fight so much like that but Baekhyun answered him that once, when Baekhyun ran to him before, “We love each other.” And Jongdae was careful never to ask that question again. The answer hurt so much.

“We fought, Jongdae…” Jongdae knew that already. “He was being such an and he thought there was something going on between me and Kris… Honestly, how could he think something ridiculous like that, Jongdae?” So, it was about Kris this time?

Baekhyun sniffed and Jongdae knew he wasn’t through crying, yet. Baekhyun may be an obnoxious bastard, sometimes listening to what he only says and thinks, but when Baekhyun loves, he truly loves. He wasn’t a cheating like what Chanyeol was accusing him.

“Kris is my boss, Jongdae… We work together… I can’t not talk with him… I can’t not see him… Why can’t he understand that?!” Baekhyun said in between choked sobs and hiccups. This one wasn’t entirely new. There was that time when Chanyeol was jealous over Baekhyun’s coworkers. There was even that time when Chanyeol was jealous over Jongdae and Jongdae didn’t want to remember that as well anymore because Baekhyun didn’t even know. He didn’t even know how each piercing word he said went through Jongdae’s heart like a sword and cut through his already shattered heart.

“How could he be jealous over Kris? He’s only my boss!”

How could he be jealous over you? You’re only my best friend!

“I can’t believe how stupid he is! Kris and I… That’s never going to happen.”

I can’t believe how stupid he is! You and I… That’s never going to happen.

Jongdae sat there, with Baekhyun’s head on his neck and Baekhyun’s arm on his waist. He was aware that his sweatshirt was already damp because of Jongdae’s tears and he should be early at the office the next morning because he has so many things to do but Jongdae stayed there. He stayed because Baekhyun needed him to. He stayed because Baekhyun needed him.

Baekhyun went on and on, saying the same things about how stupid Chanyeol was for being jealous over Kris, and Jongdae sat there and stayed because Baekhyun wanted him to. He lose track of how many times something like this happened already and Jongdae didn’t want to hope anymore. He knew more than anybody else that what’s more difficult that false hope is hoping – still hoping – when you know deep down that there really isn’t any hope at all. Jongdae has been hurt so many times before. He’s not sure if his heart could handle another.

But Jongdae was also Baekhyun’s best friend. When Baekhyun told Jongdae that Chanyeol was jealous of him and that was the reason why he ran away from their house, when Baekhyun told Jongdae that he and Jongdae could never happen, somehow, Jongdae knew that already, but he didn’t know that it would still hurt like that. He was Baekhyun’s best friend and it hurt, but Jongdae was okay with that. He wasn’t happy, but he was okay.

He knew he could take care of Baekhyun better. He would take care of Baekhyun better than Chanyeol or anybody. He would love Baekhyun better than Chanyeol or anybody. But Baekhyun didn’t want that. He only wanted Jongdae to be his best friend and even though Jongdae wasn’t happy with that, Baekhyun was precious to him. Baekhyun was the most important person in Jongdae’s life. He was willing to be Baekhyun’s best friend to be in his life. Baekhyun didn’t have to love him. Jongdae was okay with that.

Soon, Baekhyun fell asleep in Jongdae’s arms and as Jongdae stared down at Baekhyun’s face, still reddish because of too much crying, raw but as beautiful as ever, Jongdae wanted to move closer and kiss him. He thought he was over it. He thought he was fine with it. He thought it was okay for him. But it still wasn’t. It still hurt that no matter how much Jongdae wanted to kiss Baekhyun, he could only want it. Jongdae moved his face to the other direction and stayed a little longer and when he was sure that Baekhyun was fast asleep, he stood up carefully so as not to wake Baekhyun up.

He got blankets for Baekhyun and draped them over the older’s body.

Then, Jongdae changed his sweatshirt and sat at the chair across the couch, watching Baekhyun sleep peacefully. He wondered if Baekhyun was dreaming of Chanyeol and Jongdae didn’t know how long will he be trapped in this love. He smiled pathetically at himself when he thought that he didn’t know how to get out of it anyway.

He loved Baekhyun too much. He may even loved Baekhyun more than himself and it was sad.

Jongdae watched Baekhyun sleep and even though he knew it would take its toll on him the following day, he might not be able to do work at all or he might be able and everything would be ty and he would get fired by his boss before his contract ends, Jongdae still did. Baekhyun’s face was as soft as a baby’s even though Jongdae wasn’t touching it. He was afraid that if he will, he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from going further and he didn’t want that. He didn’t want to lose what he and Baekhyun have, whatever he and Baekhyun have.

Before Jongdae knew it, the sun was already rising. If last night, Jongdae wasn’t sure how he’ll be able to throw something as ambitious as spaghetti with the extent of his cooking skills, that morning, Jongdae just wanted to cook something for Baekhyun. He’s not sure if Baekhyun experienced having cooked for breakfast before with Chanyeol and Jongdae didn’t want to compare. He just wanted to do it because someone as precious as Baekhyun deserves it.

He didn’t know what spirit came over him that morning but when he looked at what he prepared for Baekhyun, everything looked magnificent and he wondered how Baekhyun would react to it. From the pasta to the sauce, Jongdae didn’t even know that he had it on him to throw something like that. The table was already set and the only thing that’s missing was Baekhyun.

He was about to wake Baekhyun up when Baekhyun came running from the living room, the blankets falling on Jongdae’s living room floor.

“Oh God, did I sleep here last night, Jongdae? Oh my God,” Baekhyun asked Jongdae who just came in the living room, clearly panicking.

Jongdae nodded and he was about to tell Baekhyun that breakfast was ready but Baekhyun was already on Jongdae’s door. “Why did you let me, Jongdae? Chanyeol would freak out. I’m going, Jongdae.”

And before Jongdae knew it, Baekhyun was out of his apartment. He’s not sure how Baekhyun would survive that morning’s cold breeze but if he survived it last night, Jongdae assured himself that he didn’t have to worry that much. Besides, Chanyeol would surely wait for Baekhyun on the bus station, like he would always do when he and Baekhyun fought and Baekhyun ran away from their house and spent the night somewhere else.

Jongdae went back to his dining room and sat at one of chairs, the one where Baekhyun was supposed to sit and he wondered why he even bothers. He knew Baekhyun wouldn’t like it the morning he realizes that he slept over Jongdae’s place again. He knew Baekhyun would run back to Chanyeol because he believes that’s where he belongs. He knew Baekhyun would do all that so why did he even bother?

He swirled the perfect pasta he made on his fork, on what’s supposed to be Baekhyun’s fork, and tasted the spaghetti. It was perfect, just like how he intended it to be, just like how he wanted it to be for Baekhyun, but it still tasted bitter. Jongdae wondered why until he realized that the sauce was getting drenched with something coming down from his eyes. He sniffed and continued eating everything on the plate. Then, he arranged the one on his plate in a plastic container. He would have to eat that for his lunch.

As Jongdae was on his way to his office that morning, he wondered when Baekhyun will run to his place again, when Baekhyun will tell him not to leave him, when Baekhyun will fall asleep in his shoulder, when Baekhyun will tell him how he and Chanyeol fight this time, when Baekhyun will wake up the next day and complain why Jongdae let him sleep the night away, when Baekhyun will learn how Jongdae truly leaves.

Jongdae sighs and looks up at the tree. The stop sign was green and even though Jongdae felt like he was the only one in the world who didn’t deserve to be with the person he loves the most, he still wouldn’t kill himself. He stared at the skies and watched leaves fall down. He wondered how long it would take for one leaf to reach the ground. He wondered if it would ever reach the ground before wind takes it away. When the stop sign was red for vehicles again, Jongdae was about to cross the street to his office’s building when he saw Baekhyun with Chanyeol. Chanyeol was wrapping his coat over Baekhyun’s shoulder as Baekhyun shivers because of the cold but he was smiling endearingly at Chanyeol’s gentle touch.

Jongdae turned his heel and decided to stare at the skies and falling leaves some more.

Maybe then he’ll know how long it would take to completely fall.

-

 We should love, not fall in love, because everything that falls, gets broken. – Taylor Swift

-

A/N: We were traveling the whole day. The song above played on my list on shuffle twice and twice today, while we were on the car, I thought of writing something like this, inspired from the song. It was torture not being able to write something while traveling and when I got home this afternoon, I can’t not write about this.

I’m not sure about this. Do tell me what you think about it. ^^

* Bituin Escalante is a Filipino singer. (A great one.)

* The English translation is just my rough translation. I want everyone to understand the song. How sad it is… 3