Final
The Sun's ColdnessLength: 7.4K ( specifically 7,451 ) words
baekhyun isnt so sure how it all happened due to the blur-ness of the events. he isnt sure weather its the sweat droplets that had somehow seeped into his eyes while he was running in the summer's humidity to catch up to his friends who were already at the diner or to blame the lack of concious to reality his mind was currently desperately trying to increase. all he remembered was the light turning from green to red, screaming of women and men, screeching of tires, sailor-like cussing, whispers floating in the hell-like air, panic making its way to the audience's vocals incredibly fast and the light sound of water dripping down from his soaked hair. all of these are caught by his ears because his eyes had already given up the second his lower abdomen started to throb.
the air of the surrounding wasnt the normal air filled with complaints, soft sounds on the cold ice cream, footsteps walking, running or jogging towards their desired location, chatter between friends or families and it absolutely did not hold the warm hearted feeling. instead, it was the polar opposite of it all. although, the screamings had died down to hushed whispers and the previous sudden havoc has finally became less panic-filled and chaotic as the people in white who came down from the ambulance set the almost soul-less body onto the cream colored carrier. one of the workers check the pulse of the body frantically before nodding to the rest, signalling the person was still, indeed, alive but barely.
the pulse that he had felt was slightly shaken and ragged. it wasnt smooth like the normal human pulse should be like though there was still a glimmer of hope for the victim's survival. the mere thought of that was enough to encourage the rest to do their job - and fast. half of the team that werent busy attending to the first victim rushed towards the driver whose head was on the steering wheel and fingers laid limply on the bottom of it - elbows supporting them by firmly being in-place onto the leather seat. scarlet colored liquid dripped from the back of his head, nose, left side-profile, biceps and a few wounds and bruisers were decorating his fingers. his pulse, however, wasnt able to be detected on his neck nor was it found on the cold vein that was visible on his wrist.
the one that checked his pulse bit his lips before glancing at his friend's eye for a mere second and quickly looked down right after. the friend understood, nonetheless took out another carrier from the back of the ambulance to lay the lifeless body on to be brought in for autopsy once they had reached the hospital. dead or not, a check up is still needed. if the man was found guilty, his family would be responsible for the damage caused. however if he isnt, the victim of the crash would have to forcefully drill the fact it was their fault from the other's family members because in the end, humans often forget the others of their kind have feelings as fragile as theirs, too.
◇◇◇
unlike other people, baekhyun knew immediately that he was lying in a hospital ward. he doesnt understand how one cant figure it out since the hospital has a scent that isnt available elsewhere. not only that, but the sound of metal against metal, beeping of the heart sensor, children's continuous cries and sobs to being injected with a needle and mostly, the feeling of his back against an uncomfortable surface which screams he wasnt in his room. also, unlike other people, baekhyun doesnt suffer from severe headaches or grogginess once he woke up from fainting, coma or even sleeping. he would often laugh at the people who werent like him, saying how dumb and slow they are. he would, if it werent the place he dreaded most in the entire galaxy.
frowning, he turned his head to look out the window, only to see the glaring of the hot sun and the clear blue sky. his body felt sore and he knows for a fact it was due to the lack of blood in his system, thanks to the blood pack he was currently connected to. his gaze on the window didnt last long as he whipped his head towards the door to see a number of people. many of whom he recognized as friends and family while few of them were people he had never seen.
baekhyun could only blink and nod when needed in a few parts as the one he had found out as the lawyer to the person who had crashed in him on the streets filled him in on everything. apparently, the man was named lee gikwang. he was incredibly drunk therefore the case to how baekhyun got hit was closed. the lee's also said that they would pay for the hospital bills and damage to baekhyun's inner body and the outside world damage. they immediately inserted the fact that his parents had object to it but they managed to convince them anyways once they caught baekhyuns subtle and terrifying glare directed to his parents. he only in his breath, said 'i would like to be alone' and craned his neck towards the window once the discussion was done. everyone bid their goodbyes, knowing baekhyun wouldnt want to see them until he has fully recovered. the nurse that was waiting outside for the visitors departure went in, informed him that he could walk in a few days but would have to stay in the hospital for a few weeks or months depending on how fast all of his injuries could recover.
thin, pursed lips, baekhyun managed a firm nod before dismissing the nurse. she gave him a tiny smile and walked out of the room, leaving baekhyun in his own little world.
◇◇◇
"ah, baekhyun." the old woman, mrs jeon said as she looked up to see her regular customer.
"hi, mrs jeon." baekhyun said and the woman smiled as a response to him. "i'd like my usual, please." baekhyun uttered and gave her a thin smile before turning around to find a seat somewhere.
he settled for the seat at the corner of the place where the sun's hotness can be felt through the transparent glass. it had been two weeks since baekhyun was admitted to the hospital. he would like to go away from the horrible place as soon as possible but his immune system obviously objects to it and takes their sweet time to help him recover. his body was still aching and he was still lacking blood. he had lost plenty of blood and he most definitely would need to replenish all of them as the doctor had said. in his stay here, he would always go to the old womans counter to order a plate of ddokbokki and some orange juice to help him gain energy. he was a regular and he had a soft bond with the woman. she was nice and she never asked questions save for the occasionall 'how are you's. she was absolutely much better than the nurses and doctors who would ask him things regarding his health and stable-ness in blood pressure. he knows its their job but he cant stop the annoyance he felt towards them.
◇◇◇
entering the fourth week of his stay, baekhyun started to feel numb and fidgety due to the limit he had set for walking and moving so he could recover faster. he knew if he dealt with the same routine again, there was a chance the process to recovering would be slower therefore he let a groan slip before changing his clothes. from the light blue and polkadotted hospital clothes, baekhyun changed to a pair of red based penguin pajama pants and a graphic t-shirt that held the photo of a cat and a dog. he examined his appearance in the bathroom's mirror before sighing and dragging his legs to the front counter. the nurse on duty gave him a shocked look but quickly regained her composure in front of the young man who had limited human contact with others during his stay.
"hi there. how may i help you?" she asked as she gave baekhyun a polite smile. he returned it and answered her question shortly after, "i'd like to walk around. do you know any places that would be okay and where i cant mingle?"
the soft smile on her face made baekhyun feel at ease somehow. "the forbidden places for regular patients would be the north wing where isolated patients are at. other than that, you wander off everywhere else." baekhyun gave her a nod as a 'thank you' and then moved to the elevator.
◆◆◆
"chanyeol, you need to take your medication." the doctor cried out frustratingly.
truth be told, chanyeol was the most stubborn mentally disabled patient the hospital has ever recieved. not only that but the amount of problems he has is also very serious. he needs the medicine. it lessens the possibility of horrible theories. chanyeol knows this perfectly well and takes advantage of it. he didnt want to be on the planet anymore. he wanted to die. he wanted to be buried in the soil with others just a few meters away. he wanted to be alone. he wanted to end his constant suffering in this world and life. when others ask why he still woke up every morning and avoided doing reckless things unlike other mental patients, he would simply give an honest answer ; a plain yet deeply meaningful shrug.
"hm. i will." he said and stood up from his metal chair before walking casually to the door, "just not soon or now." he continued and slid the wooden white door open before closing it gently behind him.
at the other side, the doctor sighed and muttered curses for chanyeol under his breath while rubbing his temples. while on chanyeol's side, he went straight to the corner for patients to rest at. the huge room held numerous amounts of a bean cushions and small stools for kids by tables near a few rack of books. his plain face softened slightly at the sight of the room he had grown familiar with. he grabbed the ipod he kept in his hoodie's pocket before putting in the ear buds and blared skrillex's 'you are not alone'. he sighed contently and took a seat at the sofa near the window. His gaze lingered towards the sky as he took in the beauty of the outside world he hasn’t come in contact with for a few months by now. He noticed that the daffodil’s had finally bloomed, the sky’s clarity looked extremely pure and fresh and the grass was greener than always. He took in how there were dried leaves covering the pavement and how even though the daffodil’s were blooming, the iris’ were slowly starting to wilt along with the roses that were turning brown slowly. Lips tugging downwards into a frown, his eyes darted towards the glaring sun.
“I don’t want to send him there.” The beautiful woman who looked as if she was still in her early 30’s said firmly as she planted her palms on the glass dining table. “Chanyeol is perfectly stable. There’s no need to send him to a mental hospital.”
Her husband sighed as she looked into the eyes of his lover. It wasn’t a surprise her eyes were slowly starting to water visibly through the corners, filling in the middle to reach until the brink of her eyelids. His heart softened at the mere sight of her. Truthfully, sending Chanyeol to a mental hospital wasn’t his idea. Instead, it was a recommendation – more likely order – from Chanyeol’s own personal doctor and therapist. The fifteen year old boy used to be completely normal. He used to be happy and cheerful until he woke up one day and started to thrash everything, throwing regular tantrums daily, having irregular and dangerous mood swings and not to mention an addiction towards guiding a razor to create a gap between his skin to leak out blood.
Chanyeol isn’t normal anymore. He isn’t who he used to be and no one knows why except Chanyeol himself despite being confused. Therapy sessions after another, different doctors and high classed, experienced psychologists and countless medications filling the toilet’s cupboard isn’t what Chanyeol would do in the past. It was obvious the teenage boy is a troubled one, but his mother thought differently and her theory were usually the truth considering she could read her son like an open book. Even so, she knew deep in her own heart that Chanyeol needed more help than they were able to give through calls and long drives to different cities.
The woman’s husband pursed his lips before opening and moving them. “Honey, we both know that isn’t true and Chanyeol himself knows it, too. It’s time we let him get more better and professional help. They can cure him or at least make it easier. It’s not only a mental hospital either. It’s mixed with a regular hospital with regular patients, so our son can still make some normal friends if he wants too. Plus, it’s highly recommended. The hospital’s doctors have more than enough experiences in this field. They know exactly what to do instead of giving advices and medications. They can be friends.”
By now, he can see his wife’s bottom lip quivering as the tears threatened to drip from her perfect brown colored orbs. Her long and slender fingers shook as she tightened her grip on the silverware, creating a friction of the item against the opaque white marble plate that held their food. She looked down on the half eaten dish and he could see that she was making a decision carefully – and maybe even regretfully. She pursed her lips to avoid the desperate whimpers as she saw tears slowly starting to drip onto the plate and contaminating the food. She bit her bottom lip and grazed her teeth against it to the extent she could taste the iron blood on her tongue. After a few moments, she finally decided and nodded, saying, “Okay but you’re telling him this.”
Little did they know, Chanyeol was hiding behind the wall that separated the living room and the kitchen, hearing every little detail of the conversation they were having. The smirk that graced his features didn’t hold any type of mischievousness or playfulness, it only held the dark sadness that he currently felt. The coldness that his heart had grown used to, the constant clenching that once hurt his inner self until he couldn’t handle the feeling and started screaming. He wasn’t surprised, he knew this was coming sooner rather than later due to the words his doctor gave him during their last therapy session together but it still hurt to know even your parents are close to giving up on you to the point where they decide to follow the doctor’s orders when they had never once cared for other’s opinions and went with their own flow.
Pushing himself of the wall, he slowly – and quietly – began walking away from the kitchen towards the stairs. He dragged his feet up to the third floor while ignoring his knees that were slowly starting to give up. Turning in the corner and thanking God that his room was the first one to the left side, he fumbled with the knob before entering his sun-filled room. He sat on the bed and bounced lightly as he looked out the window. He saw the sun shining so brightly, being so happy. It made him feel sick and disgusted with himself while he was angry and jealous towards the sun. He felt like it was mocking him, making him feel weak and pathetic and worthless. He hated the sun. what was the use of having a nice day if it wasn’t able to bring any good memories? What was the use of smiling and going for a picnic when he can only feel emptiness? What was the good of anything, really? He envied those people who can carelessly smile without a problem. He envied mostly those who received plenty of love and could go on with their daily lives without having any troubles with obstacles. There was so much he hated about the glaring and blazing sun, but he knows it was all because it had everything he lacked in.
He saw the medications that were still in plastics on his bedside table. They were sleeping pills to help him sleep without any nightmares ; his medication for his Nightmare Anxiety Disorder. He gave them one last glance before thinking ‘ everything’ and grasping the plastic. It felt cold against his pulsing flesh. He frantically ripped the packaging of the medicine before turning the lid of the bottle and taking out a large amount of the pills. Rushing, he immediately grabbed onto the glass of water he had on his table before swallowing all of the pills at once.
‘Maybe I’ll finally succeed.’ Chanyeol thought when he felt his head starting to ache, and his body feeling sore worse than he had ever felt.
◆◆◆
“Hi there. May I ask for your name?” The nurse on duty asked Baekhyun once he had entered the southwest wing ; the mental patients wing. Baekhyun looked at her confused expression before dropping his eyes towards the nametag that was latched onto her dress shirt’s pocket.
“I’m Byun Baekhyun, a patient from the west wing. I’m just here to walk around.” He said with a slight smile, hoping he wont get kicked out. He was feeling rather adventurous right now and if he were to get pushed out of the southwest wing, he surely wouldn’t feel too happy about it. Baekhyun didn’t understand why many people hated mental people or picked on them. If it was anything, Baekhyun thought they were lucky because they had been given the opportunity to be able to look at the world in a different light. They were able to grasp feelings and emotions other had the trouble of getting. They were able to undergo many more experiences than ‘normal’ beings. The fact that they get to cherish the world more than others and be able to understand it better is a trait Baekhyun would like to have. So to find out there was a wing at the hospital that was dedicated for mental patients, he couldn’t stop the bubbling excitement from showing itself through actions ; going to the southwest wing.
The lady at the counter gave him a firm nod along with a tiny – almost unnoticeable – smile gracing her features. Baekhyun took that as his cue to start walking along the corridors with nothing to hide. Hospitals weren’t really Baekhyun’s ‘thing’ or even a place to visit. It doesn’t matter weather his grandmother would be dying slowly in a hospital, Baekhyun would still hesitate to step foot into the place. Hospitals often make him feel fidgety and exposed. He doesn’t like when he’s forced to answer someone when the answer is at the tip of his tongue but is hard to let out due to a lump in his throat. He hates how he has to obey and oblige to other’s instructions and if he doesn’t, he’s most probably going to earn an earful. He especially despises people who would give him sympathetic looks if he were to be lying on a hospital bed with countless of wires draping all over him. He hates that the most because it makes him feel vulnerable and alone. Those looks make him feel as if he were to suffer all alone and sadly, that was the reality of everything. If you were sick, hurt, injured, wounded or even broken, you’re always suffering alone even though many proclaimed to always be by your side. At the end of the day, they don’t feel what you feel and they cant understand what’s going on inside of your mind. They don’t know of your fears and even if they do, it would be impossible to understand fully due to the fact that everyone experiences different things even if the situation is somewhat alike to another’s.
Baekhyun is an independent person who prefers to stand alone. He doesn’t mind sparing a few minutes of precious time for the people he admits he loves and will always cherish but he would limit it as to not get too attached. For him, if you’re getting attached, you’re bound to get broken. Getting broken the first time was filled with pain, twice makes you feel pathetic, triple would make you feel like a fool and if it goes on, you’ll end up being numb and wont even feel a single thing. He has had enough of holding onto false hopes. The word ‘trust’ no longer exists in Baekhyun’s vocabulary. When he looks back at his past, he was flabbergasted by the fact he wasn’t a mental patient himself or even a troubled person. When someone were to be told about Baekhyun’s experiences, sadness in the hear’s eyes could clearly be seen. The ‘I am so sorry’ for you would always be laced with different types of emotions. Although when he thinks about it again, maybe it was good he wasn’t mental. It did him better than to stay stuck in a hospital for plenty of weeks, months or even years. “Are you okay?”
Snapping his head up, Baekhyun could have sworn that his neck somehow made a ‘crack’ sound due to the sudden movement. The second he lifted his head, he found himself being held securely by a stranger who had beautiful shaped and colored eyes. The color would seem like any typical brown from afar but Baekhyun could clearly see the mix of every brown color in the stranger’s eyes. He could see the base of it being a warm dark chocolate brown while the rims were a lighter shade. There were specks of sand-like golden brown that decorated his eyes and he could see the outlines of a flower around the pupil in a creamy brown shade. The stranger suddenly tilted his head – adorably – to the side with a confused mask painting his amazing features. Baekhyun didn’t notice the slight movement of the other until the eyes he were staring into were covered by a pair of lids blinking. “U-Uh hm?” Baekhyun hummed once he was finally out of his trance state.
“I asked if you were okay.” The stranger asked with a soft frown that showed his concern for the smaller – also known as Baekhyun because the guy’s probably 50 feet tall – and Baekhyun merely blinked dumbly. “What do you mean? Of course I’m okay.” He answered and the person in front of him sighed, obviously getting the point that Baekhyun wasn’t on planet Earth just a minute ago. “You were walking aimlessly and bumping into people and things. How are you ‘okay’?”
Baekhyun could feel his cheeks starting to flush into a glorious scarlet red. It wasn’t a surprise and Baekhyun shouldn’t feel embarrassed. It often happens and he wasn’t ashamed of the trait he had gotten from his grandfather – once he was thinking about something, he would think deeply until he doesn’t keep track of time or his surroundings. “Oh. That normally happens. Um, yeah. I’m okay. It’s okay. It’s just normal for me.” Baekhyun was suddenly aware of the fingers that were gripping onto his waist once it suddenly gripped harder, nails digging into his skin through the thin fabric of his graphic t-shirt. He didn’t understand, but once he looked up into the eyes of the taller, he couldn’t read anything he was feeling. It was as if it’s hidden under a mask – but it wasn’t the typical stoic mask. It was a mask that held too many misunderstood emotions and feelings. A mask that was hiding experiences while showing a preview of the hard moments in those experiences. It was easy to read but hard to decode.
The grip on his body was loosened and the warmth that was given from the stranger was gone one he de-attached himself from the smaller. Baekhyun flinched at the lost of it and bit the inside of his cheek to avoid whimpering or even the simple gesture of sadness ; pouting. Instead, he backed a few small steps away from the giant as if to show he was grateful for regaining his ‘personal space’. “You’re not a mental patient, are you?” the other suddenly asks after a few minutes of silence.
“No. I’m a regular patient at the west wing. I was just walking around.” He said after shaking his head and uncomfortably shifting weight from his left foot to his right and vice versa. “Are you a mental patient?”
He could see how the other tensed slightly at the word ‘mental’. The visible way his jaw seemed to tightened and his hands in his pants pocket gripped onto the fabric. “Yeah and what’s a regular patient like you walking around here? No regular patients that don’t have any relatives or friends come here and I doubt you’re related to anyone since I’ve never seen you before.” The tone he used always made Baekhyun scared. Almost. Baekhyun admits he felt intimidated but he wasn’t scared. No. instead, he finds himself intrigued to the other.
“I was bored and you know, I’m not like any other people, I swear. I don’t hate on mental patients or anything. I was just walking around— ” before he could carry on with his pointless jumbles of how he wasn’t here to mock the patients and whatnot, he was cut off by a deep, almost soul-less chuckle that seemed to make him gulp down. “if that’s the case, why not come over to my room?”
That’s how it all began. That was how Byun Baekhyun knew Park Chanyeol.
◇◇◇
Baekhyun isn’t sure how many weeks have passed by since he first met Chanyeol. He wasn’t sure how many hours he had spent talking to the taller, how many seconds have went by when he finally caught himself unconsciously staring at the younger’s beautiful features. It was a wonder to Baekhyun, how Chanyeol would always dismiss any sort of encouragement or even mere compliments that he gives and would smile bitterly at them, stating ‘I’m sure you’ve said that plenty of times before’. It was a wonder because not too long after countless of compliments being rejected, Baekhyun finally voiced his building frustration and Chanyeol reluctantly indirectly tells Baekhyun about himself. He didn’t quite say anything, instead, he had quietly and softly handed Baekhyun the file that has been kept in the lower drawer of his hospital room’s bedside table. Baekhyun shouldn’t have been confused, sad, angry, confused or even shocked. He saw this coming, but he wasn’t expecting it. He thought Chanyeol would make another lame excuse to get out of the conversation but instead, he pulled Baekhyun deeper into his life.
The file that he had kept away from Baekhyun right after he met – Baekhyun remembering the first scene he saw when he entered the giants room where the younger carelessly fumbled around with something on the bed – the elder held various types of information. It didn’t only hold general inquiries on where he lives, who’s his parents, his parents current status, his blood type, his doctor’s name, his normal medical issues and all of the plain ones that laid on the first page in the file. It contained more than handful amounts of his mental illnesses ; nightmare anxiety disorder, acute stress disorder, depressive disorder, bulimic disorder and a lot more. Each disorder had more than a three-length paged information and Baekhyun took all of his time to read every single word, letter and even checking – and making a disapproving face – the grammatical errors. Obviously the nurse wasn’t a Korean. His face didn’t bother him but it did bother Chanyeol, who had fidgeted and waited for something to come out from the other’s mouth. What did come out, wasn’t to his expectations at all.
“If this is why you always reject the things I say, then I’m obviously not going to stop making you believe them. Your disorders isn’t really the problem, it’s your self-esteem and I’m pretty sure you know that. So, let me just say, Park Chanyeol, you are the most perfectly imperfect person I have ever met in my whole entire dull life.”
Surely, Baekhyun wasn’t joking when he said he would never stop making Chanyeol believe his words. He would always tell Chanyeol how adorable, handsome, charming or even beautiful and pretty Chanyeol looked like every day he came to visit the other. It was a normal routine for them. Baekhyun would come to visit Chanyeol every seven in the morning and head back to his own room at ten at night, sometimes going back a bit later by procrastinating their supper or making excuses. Chanyeol didn’t see it, but the nurses that passed by their room, entered in for Chanyeol or Baekhyun’s check up did. They saw that Baekhyun was slowly falling in love with Chanyeol. The thought had made them sad as they observed from afar – the two’s amazing relationship. It was sweet, they had to admit but they also know the feeling that would have to be faced by Baekhyun since Chanyeol clearly hasn’t told the elder about himself fully.
◇◇◇
The seventh day that Baekhyun visited Chanyeol after him being discharged from the hospital, he was met with the boy writing in his personal book – because ‘diary’ was too sissy and girly. He knows what the personal book was for. It was for Chanyeol to write when his feelings were at bay and when he just couldn’t let it out to anyone else. The first time Chanyeol told him this, he made a mock hurt expression and questioned as to weather the younger didn’t trust him. As to answer the elder’s question, the younger merely gave him a tiny grin and kept quiet because that’s who he was – answering through fake, unconvincing or truthful actions without any words. The longer he saw Chanyeol write in the book, the more he found it adorable how the taller would have his brows furrowed at some point or a shadow of a smile lingering around his prettily shaped lips. He especially liked the view of how Chanyeol’s cheeks would sometimes have a dent on it as a result of his tongue poking from the inside. It was a habit of Chanyeol to do subconsciously whenever he was thinking into something deeply. This time, however, he only saw the hallow-ness in the smile that was presented for him.
Baekhyun didn’t dare question it. Instead, he flashed a blinding smile for the other, hoping that it would at least affect Chanyeol in a way that would make the taller laugh sincerely. It did, but it didn’t last once he had walked out the door, leaving a sighing Chanyeol. Inside, the younger was contemplating on weather or not to tell Baekhyun. Sure, the elder would make a fit of not being told sooner or he would be even more depressed if it finally happened and he was left alone in the dark but Chanyeol didn’t believe that. He believed in how much Baekhyun cares of him but he didn’t believe how much the other would want to be with him. He didn’t understand once when Chanyeol tried to tell him through a joke with loops and Chanyeol would definitely not want to tell him directly. He didn’t want to know his reaction. It would surely break him if Baekhyun decided to be cliché like all of those other dramas and love problem shows where the one who was told news would decide that ‘it would be better if we laid of each other for a while’. He didn’t want to go through that especially after he had just finally written the last entry in his book, seeming as the pages had all been used up.
◇◇◇
Baekhyun had once experienced a rush of his adrenaline, the throbbing of a part of his body and the feeling of wanting to collapse just a few months ago. He had felt how hard he was trying to keep on breathing even though he was unconscious. He still remembered the hurtful waves that had hit his heart like an angry wave would to a shore during a thunder storm but it could never compare to what he was feeling right now. There, on the bed, lied his first love with nurses and doctors flocking around him, trying to bring him back to life with the electric device that had made loud screeches of shockwaves. Baekhyun didn’t know where to look, he didn’t want to look at the heart monitor and he didn’t want to look at how Chanyeol was currently like. Needless to say, the guitar Baekhyun had bought for Chanyeol dropped to the floor in its case and the chocolate on his other hand for when he was going to confess laid silently beside the fallen instrument.
Baekhyun’s parents and close friends came to his silent aid as the doctors and nurses were currently in the medium sized conference room that was a floor below Chanyeol’s. he was waiting outside seeming as he had demanded to see the main doctor in charge of his – sadly – friend, who gave him an empty smile and nodded. His friends consisted of Sehun, Luhan, Minseok, Jongdae, Jongin, Kyungsoo, Yifan, Zitao, Yixing and Suho. Originally, they were only Jongdae and Kyungsoo but their friendship circle grew bigger as more friends were added and they had found their rightful lover. They would always stick to each other and give their partner the love they deserved but for today, they had kept a distance from the other as to not hurt Baekhyun more than he was already hurt. They had noticed how giddy Baekhyun is whenever he got out from the office to meet Chanyeol and how excited he was every Friday with clothes in a bag at work to stay over at the hospital. They noticed and they were happy they did even though it didn’t last for long.
When the doors were opened, out came Chanyeol’s parents who looked even more worse than Baekhyun. Chanyeol’s mother gulped before she opened to talk to Baekhyun and when she did, her voice was incredibly raspy. “Thank you, for always being there for Chanyeol when we weren’t able to.” She said and nodded her head at her husband as a signal to do what was meant to be done and leave immediately to the comfort of their home.
“Here’s the letter from Yura, Chanyeol’s late sister. Please do read it, there’s two letters in here. One was made for Chanyeol’s future lover and one was made for Chanyeol himself once he had gotten out from the hospital but I guess now it’s only for you.” Chanyeol’s father said with a bittersweet smile gracing his face and before Baekhyun could answer, a letter and an almost dying rose was given to him and they were gone from the floor and to the elevators. He was about to go out and talk to them to get further information but he was held back by his own father who shook his head.
Suddenly, Chanyeol’s doctor came out from the room, still wearing that empty smile on his face. “Baekhyun, I know you wanted to see me but as of right now, I really cant stay here any longer. I need to do a few more things and file everything that has happened. I’m sure you have plenty of questions in your mind and some may be left unanswered, but here’s a few of Chanyeol’s personal book. I guess you haven’t read it yet since you’re so shocked. Also, I want to give you these.” The doctor held out a few tapes. “they’re Chanyeol’s recordings during all of our therapy sessions. It might be a bit late, but at least you get to know who the real Chanyeol is.” Baekhyun thought the doctor would leave soon after but what left his lips made Baekhyun even more devastated. “Today’s his birthday.”
◇◇◇
February 18th 2014
I met someone today. He looked really pretty to be honest. He was a regular patient and I was surprised to see him wandering around here at the southwest wing, where no one really comes often. I even invited him along to the room. He was fun to be with and he was incredibly cheerful with me. He’s such a contrast. He shined brightly and I know he has a wonderful life, the perfect job, perfect family and so on but he was so eager in knowing me. Even his name is amazing ; Byun Baekhyun.
February 28th 2014
Baekhyun has been coming so often. He comes practically everyday and he even stays occasionally if it gets too late. Its so much fun to be with him. He keeps me company and he’s always there for me. He makes sure I’m okay and he asks how my day was. I’m sure he doesn’t know, but that question always makes me happy because even if maybe he didn’t, I know he cares.
March 17th 2014
It’s gloomy again and the daffodils are going to die. I hope this is how my life ends as well. It would be so much better than the painful sun shining so brightly, huh?
March 30th 2014
Doctor said I could hold on for a bit longer if I took my medications but he also said that it wouldn’t cure me. I was so dumb not to take those medications before. Now I’m definitely going to die as a worthless jerk bag who never even tried until it was too late. But now I’m not sad that my life is going to end, actually. I’m worried about Baekhyun.
April 6th 2014
It’s been so long short since I met Baekhyun but it feel so long. Honestly, when I first saw him I thought his face was familiar and so was his name. I just found out he was actually the student in my History class when I was 13. I even contacted the teacher that taught us after asking mom and dad for help regarding my schools. They were hella shocked but they seemed happy I was actually excited for something. Heh, dad even asked if I found someone interesting. If only he knew.
May 18th 2014
We celebrated Baekhyun’s birthday not too long ago. It wasn’t too grand or anything since we are at a hospital but the feelings were different. It was so different. Baekhyun was smiling so big and wide and I couldn’t help but smile back at him either. It hurt my face muscles but he looked so happy.
Baekhyun read through every page. He read everything there was, he even read the first ones that held scrawny writing and scribbles from the first day Chanyeol was admitted to the hospital when he was 15. He read all of them and he couldn’t even stop himself from silently sobbing as he ran his fingers through the tears stain that Chanyeol must have left when he was writing. Finally, he came to the last two pages of the book which were entitled just two days ago.
November 25th 2014
Hi, Baekhyun. Are you reading this? I hope you are because it would be really awkward if someone else was reading this. See? I’m not a formal lil’ like you said. I can be like a normal person if I wanted to even though it’s really hard since you’ve read my previous entries as I’ve assumed.
I don’t know what to say to you. I really don’t know. All I know is right now I want you to know all of me. The recordings, entries, works and files that you’ve read, they don’t hold what really is the cause of my death. I have CADASIL. You probably have never heard of it and I don’t blame you. CADASIL is in the genes. I got it from my late father. Yeah, the one you met’s my step father but hey, he treats me better than the dirtbag bastard did but apparently, I’m the one with the horrible genes aka CADASIL. It causes to adults, both young and aged. It damages the blood vessels and so on and even in the brain. Its like a mix of lq disease and brain tumor.
Whatever the hell about my condition, please go scream at my doctor because I’m too lazy to write a long thing for you but I want to, apparently. Anyway, Byun Baekhyun, you are wonderful, pretty, lovely, amazing, exquisite, unique, my genesis and most of all, beautiful. You really are. I love how you smile and how your eyes crinkle. I love how your teeth shows a lot even though you say my teeth shows a lot. I love how you’re constantly smiling when you obviously feel like crying when you stub your foot. I love everything about you, really. How you’re always on my mind and how you make me feel tingly. I haven’t felt like this in forever and I’d lie to say I never had wet dreams about you. Please do blush because that would be very much adorable. I never have thought I’d feel like this. I always thought it was just a waste of emotions on how someone would be so independent towards another person that they would even risk their life. It always bugged me and irritates me especially those scenes in sappy dramas. Ugh, I still don’t get why you like them so much. They piss me off even though you don’t know that because you always make fun of the look on my face, so I’d end up smiling.
You have changed me a lot. Before, I never really cared if I was going to die because really, no one would be waiting for me except my mom and dad while Yura ( pretty sure you’ll hear about her by the time you’re reading this ) waits for me in heaven haha. Yeah well, that was before I met you and now I really want to lengthen the time we have but all I can do is just hope time stays still but time because it never stays still and it makes me want to punch my damn alarm clock or the sun. hey, check the weather, is it sunny? Damn it even more if it’s sunny you know.
I’ve never gotten the chance to tell you since I’ve always been smiling or grinning or smirking or whatever the hell I have with you around but I really hate the sun. it’s always shining so brightly even when someones having the worse day of their life. No wonder they close the blinds whenever they’re crying. It always mocks me and stuff, yknow like you hate how much you’re in love with Taeyeon and I love Dara? Okay, well I guess you can know more of me through the recordings. I doubt you’ve listened to them.
Oh but hey, I know this is late and all but I love you and will you always be mine?
Sincerely,
Your love, Chanyeol
P/S: Sorry I forgot to write this in the note I wrote for you and I’m not sure how to insert it in there since this thing’s almost finished but yeah. If you’re sad, please remember me hugging you. If you’re crying, remember not to smile so you don’t scare away the tears because really, it creeps me out. If you’re alone, know that I will always be with you even though it’s not physically. When you’re doubting, I’ll be the one to get rid of those sinful doubts. I truly love you and I could go on but this thing and it’s small size. I love you so damn much it hurts.
Baekhyun looked out the window and smiled bitterly as the tears were starting to soak his new couple shirt he had bought along with another shirt that belonged to Chanyeol – in courtesy of Chanyeol’s parents – in his hands. Indeed, it was shining so brightly and it felt hot against his skin but his heart could only feel the coldness the sun had to offer in the late November.
I have the perfect excuse as to why this can go pillows: i was not high on chocolate bye and i hope you enjoyed this 7+K of groaning how fail!angst is such a fail uhh okay? ok. i answered for chu : )
Comments