Final.
Something Wrong Within Me
"That's it for today, Jinki-yah. See you next week." A good friend of mine, a doctor named Kim Jonghyun said with a small smile on his face.
I smiled in return as I stand up. "Ne, Jonghyun-ah. See you."
He apologized as he immediately dismissed me, saying he has another appointment in his schedule. I quickly walked out his office, not wanting to stay any longer. The place made me feel sick. It made me feel like something is wrong with me.
I am fine. Nothing's wrong with me. I'm a healthy man in my 20's. I am from a family of four. My parents and a dongsaeng named Taemin.
I study at Chungwoon University, majoring in Broadcasting Music. I am in a relationship with Choi Minho, an Arts and Culture Filming Major from Konkuk University. I knew him since our highschool days, whereas I am a senior and he's 2 years my junior. We started a relationship after he confessed on the day of my Graduation. I've been living with him for 3 years already.
I'm perfectly fine, can't you see? I wonder why Taemin and Kibum still keeps on making me meet Jonghyun.
As I was on my way home, I dropped by at the local grocery store Minho and I always go. Our snack stash were almost empty so I need to buy or else we wouldn't have any for tonight's movie marathon.
Passing the aisles, I decided to buy something for our dinner. I am up for cooking tonight, which was pretty rare since Taemin or Kibum will always come over and bring food.
I wonder if they aren't tired of coming over everyday.
After I finished grabbing all the needed ingredients for tonight's dinner, I walked towards the cashier, ready to pay for my purchase. The nice old lady smiled as she began to punch in all the items I took.
"It's been a while Jinki-ah."
"Ne, ahjumma. My schedule in the university has been pretty hectic these past weeks."
"Ahh, that's why." I just nodded in return since I didn't know how to reply. "You seem to be cooking tonight." She said with an amused face.
"Yes, I am. It's been a while since I last cooked for Minho." She suddenly paled and dropped the pack of chips she was holding as I mentioned Minho's name.
"Are you okay, ahjumma? Are you hurt?" I said, thinking that it was probably a headache since the temperature's pretty high today.
She told me she was alright and quickly finished the transaction. I thanked her and walked away from the store, with confusion written all over my face.
Ahjumma must be sick, I thought as I walked my way back home.
It's already 5 and I know Minho is going to come home in about an hour. I had cleaed the house, did the laundry and prepared all the ingredients for dinner. All that's left is to cook and we're all set.
I began to cook our favorite dish, a mixture of both of our favorite foods. Chicken and Pasta. I smiled as I reminisced the memory when he first cooked it for me. I totally fell in love with him more. He's handsome. He's athletic. He can sing and dance. He can cook. What more could I ask for?
And then there's me, the ever uncoordinated and clumsy Lee Jinki. I trip over thin air for at least twice a day. I couldn't cook that much, except this Pasta recipe he taught me. And I keep on making things awkward with my so-called Onew Sangtae. I am nowhere near perfect yet he chose me.
Okay, enough with this self-pitying and nonsense worries. Minho's about to arrive any minute now. I quickly turned off the stove and set the food on the table, waiting for Minho's arrival.
As if on cue, I hear the door opened and saw Minho taking off his shoes. I quickly ran towards him and engulf him in a bear hug.
"You miss me, tokki?" There was an evident amusement in his tone and I feel my cheeks heat up.
I nodded, face flushed against his chest, not wanting to leave the warmth he provide. "Dinner's at the table.. Do you want to go and wash up first before eating?" I asked as I pulled away from the hug.
His face suddenly looked crestfallen and I felt nervous. "I'm sorry, tokki."
"Why?"
He rubs his nape as he said, "I already ate with my colleagues. I'm sorry I should've told you."
I sighed in relief and hugged him once again. "It's okay, froggy. It's not like this is the last time I'll cook. I mean you could just accompany me while eating. You know how I felt eating alone."
"Of course. Anything for my tokki."
We made our way to the dining area. I felt that he began to feel guilty as he saw what I cooked for tonight. I gave his hand a light squeeze to tell him not to. He gave me a small smile and sat on his usual seat, just in front of me.
He began to tell me the things that had happened during the day. How he and his team practiced for the upcoming competition in a week. How Kyuhyun hyung keeps on bugging him to join his Kyu-line which he agreed just to stop his annoying hyung. And he pretty much told me every detail about it. It's not like I'll get bored with his stories.
I told him mine in return. That my professor for the last subject was absent, allowing me to go and visit Jonghyun earlier than my appointment. Or how that ahjumma from the grocery a few blocks away kinda looks sick to me. He just listened throughout my story-telling and gave me a few nods now and then.
And as usual, I asked him the question he's probably been waiting for the past hour.
A question I probably ask him every Friday night.
"Do you think something's wrong with me? Taemin and Kibum kept on making me meet Jonghyun."
He takes my hand, placing a small kiss on top of it. "Nothing's wrong with you, tokki."
"Then why do you think they kept on making me meet a doctor? A psychologist as a matter of fact."
"Let's just drop the topic. It's already time for our movie night."
"Okay, I'll just clean this mess first. You go pick a movie."
"Okay. But don't take too long." And then he was out of the kitchen.
I joined him in our room after a few minutes, since it was where we held our movie nights. As I walk into the room, I saw him sitting in our bed, so deep in thought. I was pretty confused since he would normally watch whatever soccer game is on right now while waiting for me.
I silently walked towards him, only to trip over an invisible object. He suddenly snap back into his thoughts and saw me face first on the floor.
He stood up, probably to help me up when I saw a small smile on his face. He's not gonna laugh at me, does he? "Don't you dare laugh, Choi Minho." I said, a hint of threat on my voice.
"Of course not, tokki." He kneeled down right beside me, grabbing my arms and pulling me up gently. "I'm here to help."
"You seem to be deep in thought.. You didn't even choose a movie for tonight." I pouted.
"As much as you look cute while pouting, you look better with a smile." He helped me walked to the bed since my legs are feeling numb. "I just thought that you might want to choose. I'm kinda sick with all those action movies."
"So now you want to watch some of my movie collection?" I asked and he nodded. "I wonder what did you eat earlier."
"Hmmm.. A bucket of chicken?" He's obviously teasing me. He must've seen that I was slightly drooling from the thought of chicken when he suddenly said, "Nah. It's a bowl of Ramyun on the shop just outside Konkuk."
You tease, I mumbled, quick for him not to hear and I began to choose a movie I've been dying to watch since forever.
We ended up watching The Notebook though.
"Noah is so sweet, don't you think? He persevered until the end. He really loves her." I said as Minho wiped a few tears that I shed.
We were now cuddling just like we always do as we watch a movie. Me in his arms.
"Awww. But I love you too."
I nuzzled my face to the crook of his neck, breathing in his scent that will be forever my favorite. "I wonder if we will have a love story just like theirs."
"I'm sorry, tokki."
I suddenly became confused. "Why?"
"If I'm not gonna be by your side forever." He said in a very sad tone while playing with the strands of my hair.
I hugged him tight. "Forever is just a word, silly. All that matters is what we have right now."
I dropped the topic just like that. But I do feel something different about what he said, like it has a subtle message behind it. Feeling his arms tighten around me, I just shrugged the thought off as the next movie starts.
I did fell asleep halfway on the second movie, just like I always do.
I woke up just as the sun rise above. It was barely 6 when my alarm went off, reminding me that I still have club activities today. It's not a regular thing to have one on Saturdays but we're getting ready for an upcoming festival within our university.
I see Minho sleeping peacefully with his arms around me and I couldn't help but admire his handsome face. There's no other good morning than waking up with him by my side.
I carefully pulled away from his arms and let him sleep more. He doesn't have a schedule for today unless he wants to go and hang out with his friends or go visit his family. He's gonna pick me up later though, that's for sure.
I prepared for another day of tiring preparations and practices my club has in store for me today. It's not that bad, since it will gain me credits and more credits means higher grades for the finals. Not that bad indeed.
Before I would be on my way, I made sure to cook breakfast for Froggy. Blueberry pancakes, just the way he liked it and his orange juice on the fridge. I also wrote him a small note before walking out of the apartment.
Pick me up later, ne? See you. Drive carefully. I love you froggy.
xoxo Jinki tokki ♡ :*
As usual, Kibum is there to assist me throughout the day even if I didn't need any help. Even small errands like getting this or that from the staff room or arranging the tables and chairs for the coffee shop project.
He's like tailing me all over the place.
Not that he's annoying but doesn't he have anything important to do rather than help me everytime?
"Water, Jinks?" He asked, handing me a bottle of water which I took.
"Thanks, Kibum."
"How's your Friday night went? Anything interesting?"
"Uhmm.. just the same." I said before drinking almost half of the bottle I was holding. "You know, movie night with Minho and everything."
"Ahh, I see." When I was about to say something, his phone suddenly rang, surprising both of us. "I need to take this call. See you later, Jinks."
"Ne, see you." I whispered, seeing his retreating figure answer the call.
But I swear he looks sad before his phone rang. Thinking that it was just me who thinks so, I sent message to Minho since I missed him already.
I miss you, froggy~
I miss you too, tokki. Did you eat lunch already? :*
Yes, I did. You? :)
I had that pancakes you made for breakfast. I woke up past 10 ><
"Jinki-sunbae!" I hear a hoobae called me and I feel sad knowing that this was probably the last text I'm gonna send to him today.
Ahh, okay ^^ I need to go. Someone already called for me.. Love you froggy ♡
I love you too my tokki :* ♡
It was 4 in the afternoon when the activities were finished for today. I was dead tired even with Kibum helping me. I wonder if he didn't. I probably felt like dying right now. I skipped towards the gates of Chungwoon, waiting for Minho to come and pick me up.
I already waited for an hour. And he's still not coming. He's never late. I pouted as I checked my phone, no calls and no message from him. Not a single one and it worried the hell out of me.
A car stopped in front of me, but I know it's not Minho's. I squint my eyes to see who is the driver and saw that it was Kibum with a smile on his face.
He stepped out of the car and opened the passenger door for me. "I'll take you home."
"But Minho...he said he's gonna pick me up."
"Aigoo, Jinks. Just get inside."
I couldn't help but did what he says since I am dead tired and all those standing outside the gates, waiting for Minho drained the last few bits of my energy. My eyelids felt heavy as Kibum played an album of acoustic songs that sounds heavenly to my ears. I estimated that it would take at least 45 minutes to an hour to my apartment.
A sleep is so inviting right now and I'm sure Kibum wouldn't mind.
"Jinks.. Jinki~ we're here." Kibum said, softly tapping my shoulder to wake me up.
I opened my eyes and saw that we are indeed in front of my apartment. But as I looked towards the house, not a single light was opened. Minho is not home. Where did he go all day long? Did he went to the university to fetch me and waits thinking that I was still there?
"Minho's not home... Maybe he went to the university.." I said in a sleepy voice. "Let me just text him."
But even before I could unlock my phone, Kibum held my hands, his head shaking no. "Don't do this, Jinks. This is crazy."
I wonder what he meant. "Doing what? Texting Minho? Since when can't I text my own boyfriend?"
He took the phone from my hands, his eyes meeting mine. And the next words hit me hard, like bricks.
"He was never home."
"He's not home right now, I know."
"He's not coming back."
"What do you mean? Give me back my ph-"
"He will never reply, Jinks."
"How do you know? We've texted for a few minutes earlier."
"Then show me." He said, handing me back the phone.
He dared me. You will surely lose Kim Kibum. Choi Minho is texting me earlier at break. You will see.
I took my phone back and unlocked it, revealing a picture of me and Minho. I immediately went through my SMS and searched for Minho's conversation thread.
I scroll down, down and down.
I keep scrolling until I hit the bottom.
There was none.
Minho's conversation thread was never seen.
"What? Where is it?" I asked in frustration. It was impossible to be deleted because only Minho and I knew the password for my phone.
"Why do you keep searching for it when there was none?"
"No, maybe I accidentally deleted it. Let me look in the history."
I went to the log history of incoming and outgoing SMS and calls. I searched.
None.
"How?... I swear I just texted him earlier." I was confused. How could this happen? "Let me call him."
Kibum stopped me from doing so. "Jinks, you've got to stop this."
"Stop what?" I asked. I was afraid of what he'll say.
"He's dead, Jinks. He's already dead for 2 years. Why do you keep doing this to yourself? You're hurting yourself. Stop living in an illusion or lie that he's still here." He then hugged me tight.
No. Minho could see us and misunderstand. I broke free from his arms, slapping him hard on his cheek.
"Don't touch me. And he's not dead!"
With that, I ran into the house, leaving him in his car. I fumbled with my keys, panic rising on my nerves. He's here. He's just sleeping, I convinced myself.
I opened the door after a lot of complications. The dark and cold house welcoming me. It scared the hell out of me. But Minho's here. I shouldn't be afraid.
"Minho?" I called in a worried tone. "Are you here?"
I walked over the kitchen, seeing the breakfast I prepared earlier, untouched. That's when panic took over me. He told me he ate those blueberry pancakes earlier, right?
"Minho? Minho? Minho?! Goddamn it answer me froggy!" I called hysterically, running towards our room.
Empty.
No one is here. Those messy bedsheets were from how I woke up earlier. I checked the cabinet. No trace of Minho's things. Now that I noticed, his favorite shoes were not on the shoe rack.
How?
We were just cuddling last night.
I cried. For the first time today, I cried. I sat on the foot of our bed, pulling my legs closer to my chest. Why are these things happening?
Is this why I'm having appointments with Jonghyun?
Why Kibum kept on coming over just to bring me food?
Why Minho felt so unreal last night?
And it all clicked in my head.
Minho died in a car accident 2 years ago. The night where we both had an argument over trust issues. It's my fault. If only I didn't let doubts get into me. He wouldn't have left the house angry, got into an accident and died.
This is all my fault. And it added a ton of guilt to my heart.
He's dead because of me. And I could only cry in regret.
A warm pair of arms hugged me. This is not Minho's. His arms are skinny and long. These arms were also skinny but not as long as Minho's. But these will do.
I do know they were Kibum's.
"Sssh.. I'm here, Jinks." He said rubbing circles on my back, letting me soak his shirt with tears. "Just cry it all out."
"Help me, Kibum... I don't want to live like this anymore."
"Let me in.. I know it's hard but let me fix you. If only you'd let me, I will always be here for you." He said in the softest tone you could imagine.
"Why do you even want to be involved with someone broken as me? I'll only pull you down. I will always live in an illusion of the past. I'm crazy. I'm the one at fault. I killed him. I killed -"
"It was an accident. No one wants that to happen to Minho. Sshh.. Let me in, Jinki hyung."
I couldn't do anything but nod against his chest.
I want to fix myself.
Trust me when I say I love Minho. So much.
But it was time for me to let go and let another person in.
I'm sure Minho wouldn't mind, right?
I was correct about one thing though.
That something is wrong within me.
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