You sat curled on the edge of the bed after waking up with a fright. Had it been a dream? A nightmare? The only way to end the madness in your mind was to ask. You picked up your phone and typed out a simple message.

“You love me, right?”

You set the phone down on the nightstand again and stood up. You walked to the window to stare out at the city around you. It was raining tonight. The sound seemed to calm you in strange way. Your body felt relaxed, but your mind was a raging storm. You were stuck in your own head again, lost trying to find a way out.

Memories flashed through your mind. You used to smile more. Life used to be easier. You used to believe Taekwoon when he said how he felt about you. His soft ‘I love you’s and simple compliments meant the world to you.

The two of you had been friends for over a year before he asked you out. It had taken both of you a long time as friends to open up. It was scary to trust someone so completely, but in learning to do so, you gained confidence in him, in yourself. Even if his moods were sometimes cold or distant feeling, you knew that was just the way he was.

But somewhere along the way you realized how unequal things were. You had become more dependent on him than you wanted to be. You knew it was wrong for him to become everything to you, but he had. It didn’t seem to matter what he did, you could accept it. You could accept every little thing. Isn’t that what love is?

You couldn’t place when exactly you started doubting yourself, you only knew that you had. You lost yourself in trying to make him happy. As long as he smiled you didn’t care what happened.

‘Nightmare. It had definitely been a nightmare,’ you thought to yourself, trying to shake away the storm that was overtaking your mind. Only in a nightmare could you lose him. Even if the two of you had been struggling, you and Taekwoon loved each other too much for one of you to be able to walk away. Only in a nightmare.

But maybe that’s what this was turning into. He seemed to be slipping away, ever so slowly. He wasn’t around as much. When he was, he was cold. You had come to rely on him so much that you no longer felt able to stand on your own. You knew you loved him more than he loved you. That was fine. He was a singer. He has his fans. He isn’t living a simple life like you.

More than that though, you started to doubt yourself. What were you without him? You weren’t sure anymore. You began changing yourself ages ago to match what he wanted. You altered your style, your way of speaking, stopped seeing your crazy friends. You did everything that you could to make him happy, but lost yourself in the process.

You looked up from the streets below and opened the glass door to step out onto the balcony. The cold rain seemed to wake you up.

The two of you weren’t struggling, you had broken up. He wasn’t slipping away, he was gone.

He wasn’t coming back.

He wouldn’t be replying to your text.

As your relationship ended, it was a constant push and pull. Taekwoon tried to leave, you pulled him back, refused to let go of him. When he finally left, it felt like he had thrown your heart to the ground and stepped all over it on his way out the door. Even now with him gone, it still beat for him.

‘It hadn’t been a nightmare. It was a dream,’ you realized. Your relationship had been tough, even in your dream. But he had been with you. He was still with you. That must mean it was a dream and not a nightmare. The nightmare came in the mornings, when you had to wake up and face life without him. Him being with you however, was the good part, so it must have been a dream.

Everything was still the same as when he had left. Your bedroom was the same, your apartment was the same, you were the same. The picture of the two of you smiling at each other still sat on your nightstand. The necklace he had given you for your one year anniversary still hung around your neck. The knickknacks you had purchased together still riddled the apartment.

Maybe if you left everything the way it had been when he was here, he would come back. You hadn’t moved past the moment that he decided to leave. You continued living as if he were simply on tour and you were waiting for him to return home. Moving on seemed impossible.

You turned to step back into your apartment, now soaked from the rain. You took a quick shower to warm up before changing into dry clothes. Going back to sleep seemed unfeasible, but you could only see him in your sleep.

Whether it was nightmares or dreams, you still didn’t know. Perhaps it was both. Outside the window, the darkness seemed to swallow the world. Even when the light comes, night would still continue for you. It would be an endless night until he returned.

You laid down and pulled the blankets over yourself. You stared at your phone for a few minutes. You knew that Taekwoon had not replied, but you wished that he had. You picked it up and looked at the bright screen. Nothing. You opened your message to him.

“You love me, right?” It still sat there, with no reply.

‘No, he doesn’t.’ You thought to yourself. You set the phone back down and stared at the picture of you two smiling at each other. “Love is nightmare,” you said softly before closing your eyes and returning to the never ending dreams of him.