Park Shin Hye

“I need to get out of here.”

He looked at me with a mixture of pity and concern and I loathed it. I didn’t want to be weak, especially not tonight, but everything had been too much. I foolishly thought I’d be able to handle it. There were enough shiny distractions around me – friends, colleagues, sunbaes I look up to.  And then there’s the fact that the fans were the reason I was even here in the first place. That alone should have been enough for me to hold my head high and not let anything affect me.

But I was wrong. The whole night was nothing but a reminder of what I lost, and why I lost it.

“Shin Hye, there are still interviews and—“

“Oppa. Please.” I was close to tears, and I knew that he couldn’t say no to me. Not when he also knew why I can’t stay.

With a sigh, he slumped his shoulders and nodded. “Okay. I’ll tell the organizers you had to rush to your schedule. I’ll call Jae Won to get the van and meet you in the back. Wait for me there.” He took the award and the bouquet of flowers I was holding and marched off.

I went backstage to exit the other way, far from the reporters and fans. Unfortunately, that meant having to go through all the guests instead, who were probably still mingling. I took one look at the sea of gorgeous dresses and crisp tuxedos and walked as fast as anyone can in dreadful high heels. I made an effort to look like I was in a hurry, head down and expression anxious, hoping none of the other actors would bother to stop me to make small talk.

The hall was buzzing with exchanged pleasantries, conversations, and congratulatory laughs. But my eyes were still focused on the floor, thinking only of how much more distance I needed to cover before I was out of there. The priority was to look as invisible as possible while avoiding tripping on my face.

I gasped when I felt a hand around my wrist, holding me back. I stopped walking and shut my eyes, both to calm my thudding heart down, and to silently wish that it wasn’t who I thought it was. When I opened my eyes, Go Ara was looking at me uneasily.

“Are you okay?”

Relief washed through me, and my first impulse was to throw my arms around my friend and just break down and cry. Looking at her worried expression, the tears were so dangerously close to falling. She must have sensed it, too, because she took a step closer and slipped her hand into mine, squeezing it lightly.

“Not here,” she whispered.

That gave me the jolt I needed to keep it together. I was suddenly aware of my surroundings once more, but feeling Ara hold on tightly meant I wasn’t alone. However, I continued to keep my head down, still scared of the crowd.

“Can you… can you come with me to the van?” Even my voice was quivering. I knew it was shameless to ask her when she could be socializing with our colleagues instead of helping me out, more so because I was sure that she wouldn’t say no to me either.

She didn’t say anything more and started walking, leading me to the exit. When we finally went through the doors, I heaved a sigh, feeling a little bit safer. Ara kept walking until we reached the van. She opened it herself before facing me and putting her hands on my shoulders. I finally lifted my face to meet her eyes, and there it was again: the same look my manager had given me.

“Call me when you get home, arasso?”

I nodded. She pulled me into an embrace. “You’re going to be okay. I promise,” she said.

My arms instinctively wrapped around her waist as I leaned my chin on her shoulder, hoping she was right. When the first tear fell, I immediately withdrew so as not to stain her pristine white dress. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

She gave me a reassuring smile and wiped my cheek with her thumb. “This is good, Shin Hye. It’s a bit late, but this is good. I was more worried when you were walking around like nothing happened. Believe me, this is good for you.”

I returned her smile and stepped into the van, with Ara graciously helping me out with my dress before closing the door. I sat down and breathed deeply. I couldn’t wait to get out of that place. I looked back at the building, impatiently tapping my foot as I waited for my manager and the rest of my staff. In the meantime, I watched Ara make her way back inside, thankful that at least she was there with me tonight.

But then I saw something I shouldn’t have. It looked like someone else was exiting the doors just as she was about to go in. Ara stepped from side to side; she was deliberately trying to block the way. My heart began to race, and I looked down automatically, not wanting to see anything more.

“Start the car,” I muttered. Jae Won must not have heard me because he didn't react. “Start the car!” I pleaded, and this time, louder. He might have said something back but I was too busy blocking everything out to listen. I only felt the van moving and I closed my eyes. I was tempted to look back, but I had more sense than that.

Ara said I was going to be okay. And more than anyone else, I needed to help myself be okay.

Lee Min Ho

Why I let myself be dragged into this party was beyond me. All I knew was I needed a drink. Filming was getting harder and harder emotionally since the character I’m playing is one messed up man. And coupled with some other personal things I’d rather not dwell on, I thought a noisy distraction would be a welcome break. Of course the party turned out to be another one of Ji Suk’s highly inappropriate get togethers where he can easily hit on as many women as he can, and pimp out the rest of our friends.

So I retreated into his room instead, away from the drunken crowd.

I watched her long hair sway as she sashayed to the stage, her lips forming a shy smile that simultaneously captured and broke hearts. There was always something about the way she carried herself that looked graceful and quietly confident. I noticed she lost weight, too. My heart sank at the thought that she’s probably stressed out from her busy schedule.

I couldn’t take my eyes off her as she delivered her acceptance speech. I still remember that night a few months ago, when she tearfully accepted her award in front of me. But those were happy tears. This time, however, she wasn’t crying. Her expression was grateful. But there was something else I noticed. 

Those beautiful yet sad eyes. 

After working with her for months, I knew exactly when she was happy, or excited, or exhausted, or sad. And right now, I’ve never seen her more sad.

And I think I know why.

 “What are you doing here all alone?”

I felt a hand on my shoulder before she appeared in front of me, blocking my view of the television. I didn’t even hear her come in. She was wearing something too short again, deliberately fluttering her eyelashes coyly while she consumed me with her gaze. Her body language meant to tease, but right now, all I could think of was how she was interrupting a private moment.

She must have noticed my annoyed expression, because she moved aside and turned to look at the TV. I glanced at the screen and someone else was already speaking. Damn it.

With a sigh, I turned off the television and tossed the remote control on the table. “You came?” I didn’t mean to sound cold, but I guess that’s just how I was feeling.

It was only for a brief moment, but I glimpsed the hurt in her expression. She was able to recover within seconds, and a smile spread across her face. “You don’t sound too happy.”

I looked down and took the bottle of beer on the table to take a swig. “Sorry. I’m just tired.”

Without replying, she sat next to me on the bed and we were silent for a while.

“Do you know you haven’t called me in months? Since you came back from LA. Actually, since you started shooting that drama.”

I looked at her and she was still smiling. She didn’t look disappointed, nor did she look mad. She just looked amused, like she knew something I didn’t.

“Has it been that long?”

She nodded her head. “You know, I could easily assume you’re too busy to bother, but I have a feeling there’s another reason.”

I looked away and focused on my beer instead. I didn’t need to explain myself to her, and she knew that. So why she was bringing this up now? She never liked to talk about our unusual arrangement. I didn’t, either.

“Don’t worry. I’m not love with you,” she said casually. Now that took me by surprise. I turned to her again, and she only smirked. “You don’t have to look so guilty. You weren’t the only one I was hanging out with.”

I opened my mouth to speak, but she stood up from the bed, her drink still in hand. I followed her with my eyes as she paced the room, curious as to what she was going to say next.

She turned to me again. “I’m actually happy. I’m happy for you.”

She didn’t look like she was lying or mocking me. She was sincere. But I wasn’t sure what she was talking about. “Happy? For what?”

“I knew you were different from the other guys outside this room,” she jerked her chin to the direction of the door. “You people walk around hollow, desensitized by all the fame, all the money, all the pressure. So you’d rather have your casual flings than feel anything remotely close to a real emotion. I understand. It’s easier that way. And for a while, I thought you were the same.”

She strode to the table in front of me and sat down. Her face was now leveled with mine. I’ve always thought she had a depth to her. Whenever she talked, it was as if she knew more about the world, about the little things that people tend to overlook.

“But you’re not like them,” she continued. “You may not have had feelings for me but you were never heartless.” She gave me a knowing smile. “You were just waiting for her, weren’t you?”

I felt a lump in my throat so I took the beer bottle and drank again, almost emptying it in one go. Part of me was wondering what the hell she was getting at, but an even bigger part of me knew that she was dangerously close to a topic I’d rather not discuss. 

“You’re in love with her.”

It wasn’t a question. It was a statement, and something that she shouldn’t know. Nobody was supposed to know. I was still tongue-tied, and very flustered. I wanted to deny it, but I had a feeling she won’t believe me anyway. So instead, I looked away so she wouldn’t see the affirmation in my eyes.

“Aigoo, you stupid man. I have no idea what you’re doing here, surrounding yourself with these animals when you could be with her instead.”

I bit my lip, hesitating. But it was at the tip of my tongue. What I’ve been wanting to say back.

“She loves someone else.”

Before I knew it, those words just stumbled out. Even as I was saying them, I felt an ache somewhere deep down. It was a truth I’ve known for some time now, but never said out loud. Maybe because a part of me still held on to the unlikely hope that I could be wrong.

To my surprise, she laughed. I frowned, wondering if she thought my situation was funny. This was why I never talked about it with anyone else. It was silly; I was supposed to be a man with the world in the palm of his hands. And yet, I was at the mercy of one girl who didn’t love me back.

“Sweetheart, the whole world watched you two. Believe me, she has feelings for you.”

I shook my head. People told me this left and right, and believed that there was something more to our interactions. They even assumed we were secretly dating. But I knew better. “You got it all wrong.”

She gave me a sympathetic look and sighed. She then stood up and walked to the direction of the door. Before she could leave, she turned around and looked at me again.

“That girl is special. If she moved your heart this much, then she's one of a kind. You don't find people like that every day,” she said, sounding pensive. “It’s not every day you feel that way for anyone either. Trust me, I know. I’ve spent my whole life trying to feel something.”

I really didn’t know why she was telling me all of these things. People had no idea how hard I’ve struggled to sort out my feelings. For months on end, I’ve been trying to find ways to bury these emotions, only to helplessly find myself back in square one. And all it took was remembering her. So why was she adding to this misery? What exactly did she want me to do?

She leaned on the door and smiled, as if she could read my thoughts. “You should go to her. Be a man and do something about it. Even if she loves someone else, at least let her know,” she egged on.

I creased my brows, ready to protest, but then she reached for the door handle and opened it. She smirked. “Who knows? Maybe it’s you who got it wrong."

I watched her give me a little wink before she stepped out and closed the door behind her. For a second, I heard the loud chatter from outside the room, before it was silent again.

Leaning back, I collapsed on the bed, arms stretched wide. Everything she said still echoed on the walls. I pictured Shin Hye’s face, looking beautiful, and gentle, and warm. I felt a familiar tug in my heart as I recalled all those months of us working together. I never thought I’d feel anything like that for anyone, certainly not someone I was working with. But she made falling for Cha Eun Sang so easy.

It wasn’t long before I realized that I was actually falling for the girl, not for her character.

I drew out a long sigh. What she said was right. It wasn’t every day I get to meet someone like Shin Hye. But fate was cruel, and I should have known it was never that easy.

Then again, when was anything worth fighting for ever been easy?

I closed my eyes and tried to block out the crazy thought that popped into my head. I don’t know how long I lay there, trying to decide what to do next. But before I could stop myself, I was on my feet. I was still unsure of what I was about to do, but I knew it was time to get out of that party.

Park Shin Hye

“I’m sorry oppa, I really wasn’t feeling well,” I replied. My manager was getting worked up again. I could hear it in his voice. “No, you don’t have to come. As soon as I get home, I’ll be fine. Besides, I’d rather be alone.” I heard him sigh and give up. He told me to tell Jae Won to go back to the venue as soon as he drops me off.

I leaned back on the seat and peered out the window silently. I knew that once I get home, I'll probably end up bawling my eyes out. I wasn’t looking forward to that. It still bothers me just how much tonight affected me. I thought I’ve forgotten about everything. I’ve moved on. But seeing him so happy, without even looking a tiny bit remorseful, I just felt my heart break into pieces.

He acted like he didn't even know what he gave up. Or worse, like he didn't care.

My thoughts were cut off when I heard my phone ringing again. I figured it would be Ara, calling to check up on me and ask if I was already home. It had been a while since we left, but the traffic was too heavy at this time of night.

When I saw the screen, my heart jumped a bit. Wait a minute. I wasn’t expecting him to call me. We hadn’t talked in weeks, and the last time we saw each other, he was rather cold. It hurt me more than I thought it would. And I ended up wondering if I did anything wrong to make him act like that towards me. But it was only probably because I was used to him being so warm and kind. Then again who could blame him for being moody? His schedule was crazy. I didn’t have to talk to him personally to know he’s working too damn hard.

“Yobuseyo?” My voice was trembling.

“Shin Hye.”

I pressed my lips together. I’d forgotten how much his voice elicited that comforting feeling. Throughout the shoots, he was always talking to me so kindly, encouraging me, complimenting me, joking with me to make me feel at ease. One inspiring word from him already got me going. And there was always something about the way he said my name.

“Oppa.”

“Where are you?”

Was that concern I heard? I wasn’t sure. I thought he was calling to congratulate me.

“I’m in the car, on my way home,” I said. “Is there a problem?”

The silence that followed made me nervous. Why, I had no idea.

“Are you busy? Can I… come over?”

I felt my heartbeat quickening as soon as he asked the question. I knew I needed to be alone to clear my head, but for some reason, I wasn’t completely opposed to the idea of him coming over. As a matter of fact, I kind of wanted to see him. Maybe if someone was around, I wouldn't dwell on useless thoughts so much.

And if his voice was this soothing over the phone, I can only imagine how it would be like to hear him personally. Maybe a talk with him was what I needed.

“I can bring beer,” he added shrewdly as he waited for me to answer. I found myself smiling. He was obviously alluding to that time in LA when he came over to my hotel room bringing a few cans of beer with him. When I asked him why, he told me I looked frustrated all throughout filming that afternoon and could probably use a drink or two. I was surprised, because even my manager didn't notice I was having a hard time. We ended up talking and laughing all night, which only got us into trouble the next day when our staff had a difficult time waking us up for an early morning shoot.

“Well, it’s not like you’ll get me into trouble again since I don’t have a shoot tomorrow…” I responded, and I heard him chuckle softly at the other end of the line.

“That was your fault. You talk too much,” he ribbed. I smiled. It was true.

“So is that a yes?” He asked again, his tone expectant.

There were plenty of reasons why him coming over wasn’t a good idea, but his call was the first thing that made me genuinely smile all day. And to be honest, I missed him.

“Yes to coming over and yes to beer.”

It was weird, but I could almost hear him smile. “Alright, I’ll see you later,” he said before hanging up.

I bit my lip, trying to suppress a grin. Tonight was a disaster, but I certainly didn't expect I’d be looking forward to coming home.

Lee Min Ho

Should I have told her that I was actually already at her building? No, that would only make her uncomfortable. I thought about just surprising her and appearing at her doorstep without calling beforehand. While that may have had more dramatic flair, I didn’t want to come across as a disrespectful creeper. I stared at my phone and tilted my head. I was expecting her to reject me. Why would she say yes? It confused and delighted me somehow. So does this mean she trusts me enough to come to her place this late? I smiled.

When I got to the building’s security, I took off my cap and pulled down my hoodie for the guard, along with showing him my driver’s license. He was obviously a little shocked to see me, but I guess it was a good thing he recognized me because he didn’t ask any more questions when I said I was visiting a friend. I just hope he isn't the type to spread rumors.

I made my way up to her floor. I’d actually been there before, when their van broke down and we offered to take her home instead. Conveniently, I heard Manager Joon say her apartment number and I never forgot. When I got to her unit, I waited patiently by her door.

I was there for about fifteen minutes when she arrived.

As soon as we locked eyes, she stopped a few feet away from me. slightly ajar, with a look of surprise on her face. I, on the other hand, was speechless, completely captivated by the way she looked. I almost forgot the effect she has on me. I stood up straighter, feeling my whole body respond to her presence. TV really doesn’t give her justice. Her black dress hugged her slimmer figure, and her face looked fresh with barely no makeup. But she was still mind-bogglingly beautiful.

We stood there for a few seconds without saying anything, until she broke the silence and took a step towards me.

“You’re here,” she spoke, as if she couldn’t believe it herself.

I finally tore my eyes away from her face and looked down, still a little flustered. “I told you I was coming over, remember?”

I glanced back at her for a bit, and saw that her lips were curled up slightly. “You’re fast.”

“I was in the area,” I replied sheepishly, rubbing my nape, hoping I didn’t sound too much like a bumbling idiot.

She walked towards the door, which was right behind me, so I stepped aside to give way. It wasn’t nearly far enough because even at that distance, I could smell her all-too-familiar perfume. I bit my lip as images from our shoots flooded my mind, especially those times when I was close enough to take a whiff of her sweet scent, like I was now. I took another step back, feeling like the space between us was still too close for comfort.

When she looked up at me and smiled, I was floored. I knew I missed her, but damn, I didn’t know I missed her this much.

“Come in, oppa.”

I followed her inside and was ushered into a neat and cozy living room. It smelled really nice, too. There were lots of photos on one side of her wall, and I was amazed that they were pictures of her with family members and friends, including some actors I recognized. I was expecting blown up shots of her from her pictorials but apparently, she wasn’t the vain type. Another smile crept up on my face at that thought.

“Oppa, is it okay if I change first?” I looked to my right and saw Shin Hye holding a glass of water and lifting it as if to say that it’s mine, before laying it down on the coffee table. I didn’t even realize I’d been looking at her photos long enough for her to make a trip to the kitchen.

“Of course.”

She gave me another smile. “Make yourself at home.”

I looked around some more as soon as she went to her bedroom. I saw a pile of scripts on top of a small bookshelf and bent down to look at the titles. I picked one up. “Wow, she was offered this role, too?” It was for a movie with so much critical buzz around it, but Shin Hye evidently turned it down since Moon Geun Young had just been announced the lead.

I finally sat on the couch and placed the plastic full of beer cans on the table, then drank the water she prepared. I wasn’t thirsty before I got here, but seeing her made my throat feel parched.

It didn’t take long before Shin Hye waltzed back into the living room, wearing a comfortable shirt and a pair of shorts. No matter what she wore, she still looked radiant. She was smiling weakly at me when the plastic full of beer caught her attention.

“I’ll get us some ice,” she said and sauntered to the kitchen.

I took a deep breath and willed my hammering heart to calm down. I haven’t seen her in a long time, and never did I imagine the next time I’d get to spend time with her was in her apartment, just the two of us.

Park Shin Hye

I took a deep breath as soon as I stepped into the kitchen.

He looks amazing. He was a lot leaner, but more muscular. His hair was back to black, and the cut made him look mature, but still retained that boyish charm he’s so famous for. I knew he was coming over but seeing him in the flesh at my doorstep still gave me a surprise.

And the way he looked at me back there – the way he scanned me from head to toe – made my heart race a little too wildly.

It’s those damn eyes. I could never get used to them. The first time we filmed, his gazes unnerved me. I told myself I just needed to learn to adjust to that feeling of being exposed whenever he looked at me. Unfortunately, that never happened. If anything, as time went by, I felt his stares were becoming more and more intense. So I did the only thing I could really do – avoid his eyes as much as I can. It wasn't easy.

I put some ice in a bucket and cut some fruits I had left lying around. When I got back to the living room, he had laid out all the cans on the table.

My eyes widened. “Are we drinking all of those?”

“We’ll see,” he smiled. “There’s a convenience store downstairs in case we run out.”

I let out a tiny laugh. I sat down on the futon to his left and laid down the things I brought. “Did you buy them from downstairs?”

“No. Actually, I stole them from the party I was at earlier. They had too much alcohol there anyway,” he grinned cheekily.

This time, I let myself chuckle louder and he did, too. I observed as he put the ice cubes in two empty glasses, opened one can and poured the beer. He gave me one glass as he took the other.

“Congratulations on your fourth Paeksang award,” he said, while raising his glass and clinking it to mine.

I felt my mood sink as soon as he mentioned the word ‘Paeksang.’ He was already drinking when I gathered my senses back and lifted the glass to my mouth. Damn it, I wish he didn’t bring it up. Because I honestly was starting to forget. Having him there tempered down the terrible feeling from earlier. But now, I just felt it all coming back. I drank till the last drop, ignoring how the cold liquid burned my throat lightly.

As I was putting the empty glass down, I noticed his amused look. “Wow. You seem thirsty,” he said.

I responded with a weak half-smile, the only one I could muster to give right now. I looked down and closed my eyes momentarily, trying to block the thoughts and the feelings that have come rushing in.

“Shin Hye, are you okay?”

His gentle voice roused me and I looked up to see that he inched closer, revealing an anxious expression. His brows were creased, and his eyes were full of worry as he studied my face. There I was, lost in his eyes again. I don’t know why, but as I looked at him, I felt the tears pooling in the pit of my stomach, slowly making their way up to my throat as I choked a sob, and finally b around my eyes. In a matter of seconds, they spilled out. The tears I’ve been holding for hours.

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry,” I said as I covered my face with both my hands. The tears were uncontrollable, and I didn’t even realize I was already sobbing feverishly. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry,” I repeated over and over, huffing, struggling to let the words out. I stood up without taking my hands off my face, feeling sorry and ashamed and angry at myself.

I was ready to run to my room,