The six degrees of separation

and how to deal with them

First: you think the worst is

A broken heart […]

“Wait. So you want to…break up?”

Yes. No. maybe.

Coming to that decision hadn’t been easy and he’s still pretty sure he’s making the biggest mistake in his life. But their relationship had deteriorated under their own eyes: and they had tried to do something and fix it, they had really tried, but nothing had come out of it. Love, that used to be so sweet, so fun, so important to them, had slowly become a source of discomfort and awkwardness, and he just wanted to save what there was still to save.

Their friendship, at least.

“It’s not like…I mean…”, one of the two men sitting on the bed of the small room emits a frustrated sigh. “Hyukjae, I don’t know…”

The thing was that they had always been friends before lovers. They had always been colleagues before lovers. They had always tried, even in the worst fights, to keep a civil relationship for the sake of the group - they couldn’t afford to ruin the chemistry and perfection of Super Junior just for their petty reasons.

“You told me right now! You said: Hyukjae, I think we should break up. So, at least, explain me why.”

And that had been the main reason for their drifting apart, according to Donghae. Thinking always about the group had brought him, and Hyukjae probably too, to always shut things up, to bottle issues up if they weren’t important enough. And now he found himself full of anger and rage and he didn’t know why or how to deal with these feelings anymore.

“You really can’t say it? Hyukjae, when was the last time we kissed? The last time we hugged? I can’t even recall it right now, and it doesn’t look such a stupid thing to me!”

“Wait. Is this about…?”, Hyukjae exclaimes, strong indignation in his voice. “You’re breaking up with me because..”

“Don’t put words in my mouth!” Donghae stops him.  “I’m not breaking up with you for the , I’m not breaking up with you at all! I just think we need a break, because even if you don’t want to admit it, this is the truth: I’m not fine with you and you’re not with me. We drifted apart. We’re not interested in each other, we’re not happy with each other! It’s like…we’re forcing ourselves because we know there’s still something, but sometimes love isn’t enough. There are other things in a relationship, and…it seems that we lost them”.

“This is the worst decision we could ever take”, Hyukjae slowly gets up from his bed and leans his back against the big mirror of his room. “We’re just very busy, and we’re not dealing well with all the stress, but breaking up is the worst decision ever, Donghae”.

“But this is what I need right now”, he answers, low and painfully. “And you need it too. You should try to understand what you really want too, and when everything will be more clear, than we should be able to talk about our relationship again and see if there’s still something to…save”.

Hyukjae doesn’t agree and everything, from his gestures to his body to his openly offended glare, is showing it.

“Perfect. You want a break? Take your break. But don’t hope I’ll stay here waiting for this tantrum of yours to pass. It’s always like this, isn’t it Donghae? Who cares for the stupid Hyukjae, the important thing is what you want, so there’s no really need for me to tell you that I don’t need any breaks. You know what? I’m tired. Go and take your break for all that I care.”

Donghae watches his boyfriend – former boyfriend? – storming out of his own room and sighs, because, really this wasn’t what he wanted. He had hoped to have a civil conversation with Hyukjae and to come to a shared solution. He had thought that taking a little break could have been good for both of them. But the anger and the pain he spots in Hyukjae’s eyes makes him wonder if he’s taking the right decision.

***

It’s on the spurt of the moment that he books a flight to New Your City for the exact same period Hyukjae, Ryeowook and Kyuhyun plan their holiday in Greece. He remembers having agreed to go with them a couple of months earlier, but he really can’t do that. Not now.

There are strange rumors going around the dorm: he had eavesdropped a conversation between Siwon and Leeteuk and the words Hyukjae and JiEun had left him speechless.

Hyukjae had always had a soft spot for IU: she’s a sweet and kind girl, and an amazing singer, but he can’t believe that barely a month after their pseudo-breakup, Hyukjae is already fine with someone else. He wants to throw a fit, to scream, to claim Hyukjae as his and only his, but the reality is that he’s the one who decided to break up and he has really no say in anything.

So he decides to spend a week in America, where he can really think about his life without too much people poking around.

“But Hyung”, Kyuhyun whines when he tells him he’s not going to Greece. “You had promised!”

“Kyuhyun is right! We already booked the hotel, and if you won’t come, Hyukaje hyung is going to be alone in his room and on the plane!”, Ryeowook adds.

“I’m sorry guys, but something came up and I really can’t do anything about it. And I’m sure Hyukjae won’t miss me, don’t worry”, he says with an apologetic smile, pretending not to see the glare Kyuhyun is shooting him.

That same night, Hyukjae storms in his room, not happy at all.

“Why did Kyuhyun just tell me that you’re not coming to Greece?” is the first thing he says and Donghae rolls his eyes: typical of Hyukjae.

“Because it’s true”, he answers without really looking at him, as he keeps composing a melody that had bugged his head for a while now.

“Care to tell me why?”

Donghae sighs before leaving his computer. He can feel the barely-controlled anger coming from the other’s voice, but he hasn’t any intention of stepping back.  

“Because I want to go to New York and this is the perfect moment.”

There’s a moment of silence before Hyukjae starts talking again. “I…thought this break thing wasn’t something permanent. Have you already changed your mind?”

And that’s it. That’s exactly the moment Donghae snaps without being able to help it at all. “Well, I don’t know Hyukjae, you tell me. I’m not the one sleeping with IU, so I think it’s a bit hypocrite of you to ask me something like this”.

“I’m not sleeping with anyone!”, Hyukjae practically barks, clenching his fist. “We went out on a couple of dates because she’s cute and sweet and doesn’t make such a big deal if we’re not able to meet every day! And you really don’t have any right to come and say a thing!”

Donghae knows it oh-so-well. He gave up to all his rights the moment he said he wanted a break, but this doesn’t have to mean that he’s able to keep his mouth shut.

“Please”, Hyukjae whispers after some moments of silence. “Come to Greece. I’m sure that if we get to spend some time together and talk things out, we could resolve this situation…”

God only knows if Donghae wants to say “Yes!”, but something in his mind just doesn’t allow him. It’s not a matter of spending time together, it’s all about feelings and lack of them and he doesn’t want to lead Hyukjae on.

“I can’t”, he whispers and he perfectly sees how his answer breaks something in Hyukjae. “I’m not coming”.

“Fine”, the other replies without really looking at him. There’s a strange waver in his voice and when Donghae raises his head to look at him, Hyukjae’s eyes are definitely too red. “Then I’m taking the decision. It’s over. Don’t bother coming back after this. Have a fun trip to New York”.

It’s not the first time Donghae hears those words. They fought a lot in past and Hyukjae has always been a bit dramatic. But he knows this time everything’s different. Because that same night his now real ex-boyfriend goes out to meet his potential new girlfriend.

***

…what’s gonna kill you

is the second part…

The situation is awkward.

A couple of weeks later, when they’re all back from holidays and there’s Super Junior-M’s comeback to prepare, there’s a lingering uncomfortable feeling in the air. During the meetings to plan the promotions, during practice, when they hang out: everybody behave as if they were stepping on broken glass, trying to maintain that precarious balance. Eunhyuk and Donghae are in a fight, that’s clear to everybody. And it’s also obvious that they’re trying to be civil, to be professional, and the other members can’t help but wonder when they’ll snap.

“Sooner than you think”, Kyuhyun had mumbled to Siwon, the night after they had come back from Greece. “I swear, I never saw Hyukjae this angry. And I think he’s having troubles with IU-ssi too. They fought a lot when we were in Greece”.

On the other hand, Donghae doesn’t know what to do. His trip to New York hasn’t helped him the way he had hoped it would. He’s probably more confused than earlier: he longs for Hyukjae’s presence but he’s pretty aware that there’s not a lot he can do. Hyukjae is with IU now, and he has to accept it. After all, it was him to start all the madness.

And Jung-Su’s enlistment doesn’t help at all. He has always been a second brother and father to him, ready to comfort and protect him in any possible way, and the idea that he’s going to be alone for the next two years makes him want to curl in his bed and never get up anymore.

“You’ll be fine”, the leader always tells him. “Probably you’ll learn to live by yourself. And it’s not such a bad thing, you big mama boy”.

Maybe Jung-Su is right: he just has to man up a bit.

Well, and he definitely has to do it fast. Because nine days after the leader leaves, hell breaks down. It’s night and he’s out eating with his brother, when his mobile starts to go off. Floods of notifications arrive and his iphone is buzzing so much that it shuts down on its own. It’s not the first time he breaks some hi-tech thingy, but he’s sure he didn’t do anything this time. It’s his brother to bring him back to reality.

“Donghae…look”, he says, and what he sees makes his eyes go wide and his heart start beating as fast as possible.

No way.

On the screen there’s a picture. Half of IU’s face is cut, but Hyukjae’s is all in the pic. And he can swear, he knows that expression. He used to see it often when they woke up together.

“Hyung…I have to go”, is the only coherent thing he can say before storming out of his brother’s house, ignoring his warning to drive safely. And he really doesn’t know how he gets to the dorm alive, because, well, he’s not that good of a driver, and he thinks he never sped that much on the road.

When he’s on the door of the 11th’s floor flat, he takes a deep breath and types the code to open the door.

And what he sees makes his sick. He sees members talking among themselves and managers on their phones, probably trying to contain the scandal.

He takes some steps in, and greets people randomly till he sees him. Hyukjae is sit on the white sofa, unfocused gaze and looking like a  grounded child.

“Hyung”.

It’s Kyuhyun. Donghae doesn’t even hear him approaching, too focused on Hyukjae. “Please, don’t be hard on him. He just came back from the company and…they didn’t go easy on him”. There’s a strange light in Kyuhyun’s eyes and Donghae fights the urge to smile. Kyuhyun, the unrespectful maknae, has always been quite protective of Hyukjae. And he knows he’s going to take down whoever is going to protect him as much as possible.

“I know, don’t worry”, he answers before heading toward the sofa.

Hyukjae doesn’t bother moving his gaze when he sits next to him and Donghae sighs.

“Want to get out a bit?”, he proposes softly and the other lightly nods.

“We’re going to bed”, Donghae declares and he hopes everyone get the message: don’t tell him anything, let him rest.

He ignores the managers and walks toward Hyukjae’s room, locking the door behind his back after they’re in. They both lie on the bad, back on the mattress, looking toward the ceiling.

“We can do this in two ways”, Donghae says, after some minutes of silence. “You can tell me what’s going on and vent out the anger and let out all what you need to let out. Or we can sleep and think about all this tomorrow”.

It’s strange, Eunhyuk thinks. They haven’t even glanced at each other lately, always too busy in trying to avoid the need of communicating and now, here they are: lying on the same bed, arms touching and words ready to come out.

It’s strange.

“We broke up last week”, Eunhyuk says softly. “It was easy and we didn’t even fight. We just acknowledged the fact that we’re really too busy for a relationship. And maybe we didn’t like each other that much actually. And today we were kakao talking and she said there was this picture I had to see, but she didn’t send anything. When I told her, she called me crying saying that she didn’t do it on purpose and she was so sorry. And the next thing I know is that I’m being dragged to the company to resolve this issue, even if it’s obvious even to Choco that there’s not really a lot I can do”.  

He doesn’t really pause when talking and Donghae understands that this must have been his first burst about the scandal.

“Did you call her?”

Hyukjae nods, closing his tired eyes. “Yeah, before you arrived. Man, her manager was crazy, saying I couldn’t speak to Ji Eun and . At the end she let me talk to her. I told her not to worry, because it was an accident”.

Donghae smiles a bit and then he raises his back to let his head rest on his hand. “So you’re not angry?”

“It was an accident”, he repeats and Donghae knows there’s really nothing to say about IU anymore.

“What did they say at the company?”

A bitter laugh erupts and that’s exactly the moment Donghae starts to worry. “What?”

 “Nothing too much, actually. They just asked me if there were more pictures like those and that I should be prepared to every…possibilities…”

“Possibilities?”

Hyukjae sits on the bed and a nervous hand goes through his brown locks. “Lee Soo Man seosang-nim was there. He told me he really doesn’t want for things to go this way, but if the fans demand it, I have to be ready to enlist”.

“What the hell?”, Donghae exclaims, sitting up suddenly. “For a picture?”

“Donghae, I hate it to remind you, but this is Korea. If people say I have to enlist and reflect on my actions, then I’ll enlist and reflect on my actions”.

They don’t say a lot more: they lie again on the bed, hoping to catch a bit of sleep. And it’s Hyukjae who falls asleep first, while Donghae tries to calm himself. He knows he’s being just stupid and paranoid, but he doesn’t even want to think about the chance of losing another member so soon. Of losing Hyukjae. He just wishes he was a better person because, accident or not, the rush of anger he feels toward Hyukjae’s former girlfriend is eating him alive.

***

And the third:

It’s when your world

splits down the middle

Fourth: you’re gonna think

That you fixed yourself..

Someway they go through the scandal, and when he hears that Hyukjae started to joke about it on the national tv, Donghae finally thinks he can relax.

Or at least, he hoped he could do it.

Everything happens in a moment, really. During the rehearsals for the Gayo Daejun’s performance, Hyukjae gets hurt. “Spectrum” had to be a way to put together different Sm Artists and show off their dancing skills. But Hyukjae had to do quite a dangerous step, sliding and jumping on the floor on a bent leg.

He can hear fans screaming and Hyukjae’s pained whine. Yunho and YiXing rush to help him, managers go to take the cars to bring him to the hospital, but Donghae stays still. Unable to react.

Only when Jonghoon asks him, “You’re coming?”, he snaps out of it and run to the car. He hops inside to find Hyukjae holding his thigh, his head resting on the window. 

“D-Does it hurt?”, he dumbly asks, and the other just nods. 

But what comes next is unexpected. Hyukjae stretches his right arm and grabs Donghae’s hand. He doesn’t look at him and Donghae j