It is taking everything in me to stay quiet as I fall apart. The tears are making it increasingly difficult to keep my hand clasped firmly enough over my mouth to prevent any sound from escaping. I fail to suppress a small whimper before the mattress shifts behind me. He has woken up. He always does.

        “Kevin.”

         My eyes close as I try to pretend I didn’t hear him call my name.

        “Kevin, please don’t cry.”

         The tenderness embedded into his words causes a fresh set of tears to run down my cheeks. How can he still talk to me like that after what we’ve just done? I feel the palm of his hand lightly caress the small of my back, before his arm wraps around my waist. “Don’t touch me.” He only holds me tighter. I can’t deny the feeling of his warm skin pressing up against mine. “We have to stop this.”

         “I know, baby.”

          I jerk away from his hold and try to create as much distance between us as possible. “I hate when you call me that.” I love when he calls me that. It is realizing how much I love it that I hate. I am not his to rename. He slowly puts his arm back around me, giving my waist a small tug.

         “Kevin, look at me.”

          With a deep breath, I grab some of the bed sheet and try to wipe away the wetness from my face before I turn around. Once I have settled on my other side, he brings his hand up to my cheek.

       “This is the last time.”

       “We always say that, Jaeseop.” My mind fills with Eli as my eyes fill with tears. “He doesn’t deserve this.”

       “You don’t think I know that, Kevin? This isn’t how I wanted you.”

         That last sentence incites the ache in my chest that I always feel when I remember who started this. Jaeseop didn’t do anything but respect my relationship with Eli. He kept his distance. There is no reason to ask myself if that’s why I pursued him. I already know the answer. 

         It started when I showed up unannounced at his doorstep. Everything I had told him was a lie. There was no fight. Eli never said he didn’t love me anymore. My body told Jaeseop the truth that I couldn’t. What started as missing the things I used to get from him turned into craving things I never should have wanted. We made a huge mistake that night, a mistake that we have yet to stop making.

         I feel Jaeseop’s fingers lightly trail down the side of my face, before reaching down to take my hand into his. He brings it up to his lips and presses a kiss to my palm. I keep my gaze fixated on the sheets. I don’t want to look at him. I don’t want to see that look in his eyes that makes me not want to stop this.

        “I love you, Kevin.”

         He has said that to me a million times and I am still not used to it. I can’t say it back. He is not entitled to hear that from me. “I don’t... love you, Jaeseop.” That should have been much easier to say.  My voice was barely there.

        “Yes you do.”

         There was no hesitation in his response. “What makes you think that?”

         “You’ve told me.”

          I shift uncomfortably. “No I haven’t. I’ve never once told you that.”

        “You tell me every time, Kevin.”

        My façade fractures at those words. There is no point in denying my feelings anymore. I would never let him touch me if I didn’t love him. I wouldn’t be able to. That is the most terrible part about all of this. There shouldn’t have been any room in my heart for him. It was wrong to become physically intimate with Jaeseop, but the worst thing I have ever done is fall in love with him.

        It doesn’t even occur to me that I have started crying again until I feel his thumb sweeping across my cheek. He leans in and kisses my forehead. He’s too close for me to resist tilting my head up to capture his lips. I turn on my back as he carefully climbs over me. My hands find the back of his neck and pull him closer. Our mouths move together as if they were always meant to. Jaeseop kisses me once more before pulling away. I can see love in his eyes, but there is something else that I can’t quite read.

      “Leave him.”

       He has never asked that of me before. Now, I understand why. He needed to me realize something that I should have a long time ago. “I love you, Jaeseop.” My thumb traces his jawline. “I’ll end it. I want to be with you.” I feel like an immense weight has been lifted off of me, only to be replaced by another. He leans down and kisses a tear that has just started to fall from my eye. “This is going to be hard, isn’t it?”

       He turns back on his side, pulling me into his arms in the process. I feel him press a kiss to my hair before lacing our fingers together. I haven't felt this loved in a very long time.

      “Yeah, this is going to be hard, Kevin. We’ll get through it.”

       What Jaeseop said earlier was right. The next time we find ourselves tangled in these sheets calling out each other’s names, I will be his. This is the last time.