Tao was never one for panicking.  He operated best under pressure out of their entire group, his mind able to clear and see through things logically where the others would have their thoughts muddled and skewed by their emotions.  He had nailed down this aspect early in their debut, desperately wanting to even the age-playing field by acting more mature.  Not that it was an issue, seeing the standards were already low enough- one glance towards their baby-faced rapper from EXO-K and Chen showed that in terms of maturity, there were no high expectations.  But he respected his hyungs, despite their bouts of childishness, because he cared not only about them, but how the group functioned as a whole.  If restraining himself from letting his true feelings simmer to the surface was what helped keep their bandmates’ heads in the right place then he would do so.
 

     But now as he sat there, his bare legs chaffing lightly against the faux-leather material of their new couch in the currently empty dorm, he couldn't help the flurry of nerves gripping his stomach, twisting it up into a tight ball of anxiousness.  Every few seconds his hand would flit up to brush away his perpetually falling bangs, a nervous habit he seemed to have picked up in the short amount of time he had been sitting there.  He frowned as the bangs fell limply back into his eyes, silently reminding himself he would have to visit Manager hyung later about getting a haircut in between their schedules.  The thought of their schedules only wound his stomach tighter; his muscles already spent from the endless dance practices they were forced to attend in order to accommodate the possible absence of EXO-M's leader, Kris.

     Kris. His name was another twist. No, it was more than that. It was like being stabbed in the gut with a blunt knife, never expecting the sudden pain from such a pretty blade.  Tao clenched his fists lightly, his knuckles growing just a tad white from where the skin was stretched taught over the bone; the same skin that had felt the whisper-soft kisses of a boy he no longer felt he knew.  Tao shuddered at the sudden onslaught of memories, all the laughs and smiles, the late-night escapades that would last until dawn.  They were young and stupid and- He regrets ever falling into such a trap, Tao thinks bitterly- in 'love'. He aches so much to think of the elder, because he remembers.

 

     The way his angel soft fingers would glide over his torso, flirting underneath the edges of his shirt when he thought the others weren't looking. Be it in the practice room, the dorm, or in public- his touches would arise. Tao would swear he didn't but he always blushed, that faint red tinge that never failed to bring a teasing smile to his lover's lips. Tao's own lips would then be stretched into a carefree smile.

 

     Or his lips, that could leave fiery trails across his porcelain body one second, and tender pecks the next.  He remembers how his lips were always a bit pouty, pale and plump. And even still he thought Kris's lips looked the best when they were red and bitten, and smiling.

 

     Oh God, his smile.  Tao feels another dull throb somewhere in his chest, before forcing himself to move onto other things before he could really lose what little grip he had at that point.  His mind kept demanding him to move on, to forget the boy that had stolen his heart those few years ago.  But how can he move on from someone who had touched his heart so dearly, leaving his own scar there forever?

 

     He remembers his laugh, such a rare thing but it was beautiful.  Tao never felt more accomplished then when he made his ex-lover (I suppose we're done now, he thinks) laugh for the first time.  To Tao it was a silly comment, to Kris it was break of his cold demeanor, a little glimpse into the man whose emotions were as diverse as the galaxy itself.

 

     Tao smiles now, just for a moment, his ankles crossing to keep his feet from joining the nervous tapping his right hand has now picked up.  He takes a small breath- remember what that is Tao?  Breathing?- as he wonders to himself if perhaps he depended on Kris more than he should have, if perhaps Kris was his life source as well- and looks up at the clock.  Ten minutes. He can afford to remember some more.  So he bites his bottom lip, which is already chapped from the past week’s effects on his mental state, and closes his eyes.  He can feel his body melting into the couch, letting the material envelop him- not because it was comfortable by any means but because he felt like he couldn’t hold himself together anymore.

 

     His tears.  The ones Tao had worked so hard to keep away in times of stress.  The ones where Kris's hands would find their way to his hips as Tao gently brushed the salty substance from the other's eyes, the elder subtly seeking the comfort and solace Tao offered without reserve.  And sometimes they would just laugh, laugh until they cried and ended up in a tangled mess to the point one would not know where one person began and another ended.  And their tears would be forgotten underneath the warmth of their comfort.

 

     Tao can feel the sting of tears in his own eyes now, his breath catching on the small lump in the back of his throat.  It was too much, how did it become so much?  It hurts to remember, but he can't stop it.  Heartbreak doesn’t stop for anyone.

 

Was he worth it? Tao wonders.
Was he lying? No, Kris wouldn’t let such a charade play on… would he?  Before he wouldn’t have given the thought a second-look, but now he reconsiders and the possibilities are slowly killing him.

You are never worth someone's love, how could you be so stupid.
 

     Tao winces, unsure where that thought came from.  But now it's like a dam has broken, his fears and pains all released in one grand swoop that takes part of his sanity with it.  He knows so because he can feel it ripping away from him.
No wonder Kris wants to leave.
Who would want to be with him?

 

One minute.

 

Was it enough? Would he ever be enough?   Could 60 seconds, well now 50, be enough to change him?

 

He doubts it.

 

     Tao was never one for panicking.  So for the moment he forced back that dam, stopped his tears, took a deep breath, and stopped remembering.  He was, after all, mature.  It's the ring in his pocket that calls him back, forces his hands to do something other than move idly.

 

"Yoboseyo? " He hears.

 

He wonders why he agreed to this, why he answers hello back. He sounds broken.

 

"I love you." He hears.

 

And he wonders why he can't comprehend these words, why the lump and the tears and the dam is back.  And then-

 

He remembers exactly why he can't stop loving Kris.

Thanks for reading! I'm glad to be back, and I hope I will be able to post more stories soon! :) I might be starting a new TaoRis chaptered fic.. I'm going to post it after this so check it out and comment whether you think I should coninue it or not! Love ya guys! ^-^