What is love?

Kyuhyun'd be damned if he knew.

He had his first girlfriend in high school. But it hadn't been him who confessed; it was his ex-girlfriend. In fact, Kyuhyun had only known her for a short while before she went to confess to him. Before, Kyuhyun didn't have feelings for her, but he knew he had started liking her when he knew she liked him. She was very cute too, so Kyuhyun was more than happy to be her boyfriend.

It was what people call a 'puppy love'. A sweet, tender love that happened between two youngsters in the prime of their youth. There wasn't any pain or much struggles; everyday he spent with her was like that of a fairy tale from storybooks she used to tell him.

They would go to school together hand in hand, go on dates on weekends, and share their lunches together. It was sweet and innocent, with only bits of bitterness, but nothing more. 

The only reason they broke up was because Kyuhyun's father wanted him to focus on his studies for the upcoming university exams. They also broke up in good nature. Of course Kyuhyun was disappointed and sad, but he had no problem moving on with his life.

But that was because it wasn't real love.

He realized he had never experienced painful love like those in the Korean dramas, where the hero and the heroine, who longed for each other, but unable to be together because of many hardships and difficult circumstances that got in their ways. The sappy cheesy type of soap.

In fact, he'd thought they were ridiculous and slightly annoying. 

He never knew.

He never knew love could be so torturous. 

He never knew love could take his breath away.

He never knew love could make the insides of his chest so tight.

He never knew love could make him cry for countless nights.

He never knew love could make him feel as if his heart had been ripped apart.

He never knew love could make his whole body tremble at the sight of his beloved.

He never knew love could make him happy in one second, miserable in the next.

He never knew love could make him do crazy things.

He never knew love could blind his eyes, mute his mouth, and deafen his ears.

He never knew love could make him see only that person, while everything and everyone else faded to white in the background.

He never knew love could make him forget the fact that he was in love with a man.

He never knew love could make him not care.

He never knew unrequited love hurt so much - he felt he'd better off dead.

If he had known these things, Kyuhyun would've wished he'd never fall in love. But he did. He couldn't stop it. He didn't even realize when that happened. But it had happened. And now, Cho Kyuhyun the lead singer of the infamous Super Junior, felt like he was the most miserable man in the whole world - or maybe even in the universe.

"You have to understand, Kyuhyun-ah." It pained his heart when he saw his beloved's face right in front of him.

They were inside a private room the hotel provided them at Ryeowook's request. It was a room inside the hotel's five-star restaurant and club that VIP guests usually booked for private dinners. Although the restaurant was supposed to be closed now that no one was around, not even the waiter. The hotel manager had specially allowed them to use the room because of their celebrity status.

After those incidents, Ryeowook decided it would be the best to have a conversation about this with just the two of them. Without involving other people, not even their own members. Because this matter was about the two of them. Thus began the awkward, one-sided man-to-man 'talk' that involved only one of them talking, while the other one listening. Sitting face to face.

Ryeowook's expression was filled with bewilderment and unsureness and anxiety, as he tried to convince Kyuhyun that his feelings for him were just some sort of a mistake.

Or was it what Ryeowook actually wanted it to be?

"I'm... I'm a man, Kyuhyun. I'm not a girl. See what I mean? You can't be... can't be having feelings that are supposed to be directed to girls, but - but have them for me instead." Ryeowook stammered in the explanation. It was difficult for him to find the right words to say without having to hurt or offend his dongsaeng.

But nevertheless he needed to get this misunderstanding cleared up fast - this was his responsibility as the older and also something he must do for Kyuhyun's own sake.

Kyuhyun didn't agree nor disagree. All he did was keeping his silence while observing the older man closely, carefully. He didn't even bother listening to what Ryeowook was saying. He knew if he did, it would hurt him even more. Because he knew very well the ever-kind, ever-gentle Ryeowook was trying to blow him off him as gently as he could, because he wouldn't want to hurt Kyuhyun's feelings.

Kyuhyun mentally tsk-ed.

That was just one of a million reasons why he loved Ryeowook.

"That's why Kyuhyun-ah... I..." Ryeowook sighed tiredly as he tried to explain, in which all fell to deaf ears. 

Kyuhyun wondered why Ryeowook seemed hurt just from trying to reject a crazy dude who practically forced himself on him. 

"Are you worried about me, Ryeowook-ah?" Kyuhyun silently mused. Feeling the painful thumps in his heart grew sharper and even crueler.

"Really, how low will you make me fall for you until you're satisfied?"

Ryeowook threw a fearful glance at the magnae, one that sent shivers down Kyuhyun's spines. "Do you understand, Kyuhyun?" He asked.

Kyuhyun looked into his eyes. "Yes, hyung. I understand now." He coldly answered, using formalities he'd never bothered using when speaking to Ryeowook.

The older man looked taken aback and slightly hurt by the icy tone of Kyuhyun's voice. He hung his head as his eyes shone sadness.

But Kyuhyun wasn't finished yet.

"I understand it all too well, now. More than I ever wanted it to be." He uttered, as he straightened his back and stood up.

Before Ryeowook could realize what the magnae was going to do, Kyuhyun had leaned in closer and captured his hyung's lips with his own.

Ryeowook froze in the spot, eyes widened.

Kyuhyun pulled away just a bit, bringing a hand to his beloved's face. "I understand that I can't stop these feelings anymore." He whispered softly as he smiled bitterly.

He couldn't even hide the pain from overcoming his expression. He was too much, too deep in love with this man, logic and common sense could just go down the drain.

He knew Ryeowook noticed the desperation in his voice and the misery on his face from the change of  his expression.

He couldn't stop now. He had gone too far to ever hope to come back.

Ryeowook let out a tiny gasp when Kyuhyun had failed to notice a single tear had fallen from his eye. Kyuhyun could feel his eyes burning, feeling his whole body was set on fire of longing for this person who may never return his feelings.

He closed his eyes as if not wanting to see reality, as he leaned closer for another kiss.

"I love you, Ryeowook." 

He whispered his confession against Ryeowook's lips, before he pulled away and left the room wordlessly; leaving the flabbergasted man behind.

--

sometimes you have to write angst when you have to write angst...