이만 갈게
Eternal
Jaejoong sits in his room, in the dark, with a song so familiar to him playing in his head. In Heaven. He did mention that he wrote the song for his best friend, Park Yongha. However, there was something else – the song was also partially written while he thought of DBSK – while they were still together. He doesn’t know if he’s the only one that yearns for them to come back together again, but one thing Jaejoong knows it’s that he is the one that comes across as the most ignorant about the whole ‘drama.’ His feelings are always bottled up, but he just lets it all go when he’s singing.
On stage, once, when the three were singing In Heaven, he cried. He cried thinking of Yongha, he cried because he wasn’t there for him, he wasn’t around to say goodbye. He cried because it had been nearly the same for Yunho and Changmin. They weren’t dead, but that was what made it hurt even more. Jaejoong wasn’t allowed to even go near them, and they never had any overlapping schedule together – and it hurt Jaejoong more than ever.
Back then, Jaejoong treated Yunho like a lover, and Changmin like a younger brother. This added to the degree of inner depression Jaejoong felt because of the separation. He definitely couldn’t take it. He was hurting so much. He cried every single night and nearly every single time he sings In Heaven. Just for this song, as well, did he practice at least 6 hours a day – just this song, over and over again.
Jaejoong knew it wasn’t possible for the five to stand on stage together. But he knew, at the same time, that it wasn’t impossible. People just had to get over the separation and everything will be normal again. But, that’s the problem isn’t it? People won’t get over it. Let’s not mention fans, and companies. The members themselves – Yunho and Changmin, would they have thought that Jaejoong, and the other three, hated them for not getting involved in the lawsuit, and continuing as a 5 together in a separate company. As for Yoochun and Junsu, would they have thought that Yunho and Changmin hated them with a passion – for abandoning, for giving up, for leaving them into a pit of darkness, emptiness, and dust.
As of right now, I can’t say anything
The miracle of you – it all seems like a fantasy
The last image of you seems to be locked only in my memories
I wonder if you are watching me from somewhere
Changmin.
Changmin.
Changmin.
Yunho.
Changmin.
Yunho.
Yunho.
Yunho.
Changmin.
Uri Maknae, Changmin.
Uri Leader, Yunho.
Without knowledge of the other two JYJ members, those two names were spray painted all over Jaejoong’s room. Jaejoong grieves, and begs for the return and unity of DBSK again. Like mentioned, Jaejoong was the one that least showed interest in the whole drama. However, his tattoos spoke louder than any word he could have said.
Jaejoong showed crazy passion, and memorial for DB5K, using all the tattoos on his body. To him, every milestone in his life, every life-changing memory, is worthy of being engraved onto his skin. Likewise, being in DBSK, was the best milestone, and memory he has ever made.
Even if I regret, it’s too late – I can’t see you anymore
The tears of the shadows of my memories are watching over that place
Jaejoong starts to wonder if the members ever thought of him as weird. Almost every other had girls they talked about, a love life they wish to pursue in the future. Except himself. Jaejoong has never thought of it – or at least he never thought aloud. There was just someone Jaejoong fell in love with, and he never found his way out.
And that brings him to a whole new level of depression. Jaejoong loves this person to death; he would actually, literally, die for him. Yes, him. That was why Jaejoong couldn’t tell anyone. What would the other members think if they found out that one of them, was gay? The fact that it was Jaejoong – would they have seen it coming? Or have they revolted over that before? Or will they?
Jaejoong feels hurt, the fact that he has to keep it inside. Suddenly, he realizes that he wasn’t an expressive person at all. Maybe not because he doesn’t know how to, but it was probably because he couldn’t. He couldn’t say words he wanted to say.
He wanted to be just like every other person out there, but he just couldn’t.
He wanted to say “I Love You” but he couldn’t.
Softly, he whispered, while he was alone. Alone in his world, away from the other four. While he was falling into his pit of darkness. Where he was trapped in his own depression and darkness. Where he feels like he doesn’t have a life anymore. He whispered, and called out timidly.
“Yunho, I love you.”
I can’t say those words, I really can’t – as much as you were by my side
I’m sorry but I can’t – everything comes shaking back to me now
“Yunho-ah,” Jaejoong called out with a slur.
“He’s drunk,” Yoochun explains to Junsu who just came home. Junsu sat beside Jaejoong, not knowing what to do, or say, as usual. Of course. Of course the other two knew Jaejoong’s love for Yunho. It was so obvious, but they weren’t revolted at all. All the more they felt guilty; they felt so guilty of separating them. They felt guilty of putting the two into a situation like this.
However, none of them knew, if it was unrequited, or did Yunho love him back.
“Yunho-ah…” Jaejoong called out again. “I’ll come to get you… Please don’t go too far away… Yunho-ah… I won’t leave you, I’m sorry.”
Junsu doesn’t realize this, but he was in tears. He shut his eyes, listening to the rest of the things Jaejoong blurted out. In response, he whispered, “One day, Jaejoong-ah… Keep the faith.”
By waiting a little more, by wandering through my dreams
I’m afraid I will close my eyes inside of you
The next morning was the same – Jaejoong woke up, and no one was in the house. With a sigh, he looked around, trying to remember why he woke up in Yoochun’s room – but it could only be one reason. His head hurt badly, and he knew exactly why. Without wondering what he did while he was drunk, he got up and reached for his phone.
He dialled Yunho’s number.
Pressed call.
And let it ring.
“Hello?” Yunho answered with his usual, awake, voice – despite it being 8 am in the morning. “Hello? Who’s there?”
Jaejoong ended the call right after.
Jaejoong did this every morning, and he wondered if Yunho ever thought that things were weird. He never reported (or so Jaejoong assumed he didn’t) neither did he change his phone number.
That night, Jaejoong made a decision to speak, and so he did.
He dialled the number at a payphone, and let it rang. And when Yunho answered, he started to tremble. “Y-Yunho-ssi?” he kept his tone calm and formal.
“Jae?” his voice brightened before he brought it down again. “I-I’m sorry. You sounded like my friend, Jae…shin. Jaeshin. Um, who’s on the line?”
Jaejoong hung up.
Don’t leave, don’t leave- can’t you stay by my side?
Lies, all lies – I don’t hear anything
Weeks passed, and Jaejoong went by those weeks without calling. But when he finally decided to call again, he decided to be honest. Cowardly honest.
He called Yunho again and this time, kept silent for the first few seconds.
“Hey, listen up. If you’re the same person that has been calling and hanging up. I hope you’ll stop bothering me. I have a feeling that you’re a fan, so well, if you aren’t, forgive me. And if you are, I love you, so please stop calling me again,” Yunho blurted out, his voice obviously tired and unaware of half the things he’s saying.
Tears filled Jaejoong’s eyes. He could hear pain in Yunho’s voice. He could tell how much he missed Yunho’s voice that sounded so different on the phone. And within 5 seconds of thinking, he finally confessed.
“Jung Yunho, I love you.”
…
“Jaejoong? Yah, Jae!” Yunho screamed as soon as he recognized that voice.
Beep. Beep. Beeeep.
The line died, and Yunho felt frustrated – more than he ever did in 3 years.
I love you, I love you – can’t you show me those words?
I love you, I love you – will you love me again?
“Yunho hyung!” Changmin called out with a package in his hand which said ‘Jung Yunho…’ Changmin took a last glance at the package before handing it to Yunho who went to his room to open it.
Quickly but carefully, Yunho took out the ribbon, and unwrapped the wrapping paper. Revealing a box covered with pictures of him and Jaejoong. He paused, contemplating to open the box or not. He suddenly thought of the day where Jaejoong had called to confess. Yunho wanted to respond, but he didn’t know how to reach Jaejoong anymore.
He brought the box closer to him, to look at every picture that was on the box – reminiscing all the memories of every picture.
At last, he decided to open it.
Inside, were a few things. Besides more pictures of them, Yunho found a note.
He sighed at the printed note. By now, Yunho was able to understand English after years being only with Changmin. The both of them had no choice but to learn English on their own for the sake of the International Fans. However, he didn't know exactly what the note was supposed to mean. Why did Jaejoong send it.
Later on, he found a letter.
Time already passed like this
I try looking for your traces but they are erased
The last memories of you are locked in the rims of my tears
“Jung Yunho,
Hello Leader-ah. How have you been? How is Changmin doing? I hope the both of you are fine. Don’t tire yourself out too much, okay? I remember those times where I see you stress and so tired – it hurts. I don’t like seeing our leader tired.
You do know, that there won’t be me without you, right? I hope that you remember that I said that before. But if you forgot, I’m saying it again. Yunho-ah, I miss Changmin too. All three of us do, take care of him well, okay? I know he’s not a kid anymore, but he probably still is in our eyes. I cannot forget those days that we’re a five.
I’m sorry. I know I’m selfish, but I cannot fulfil that for you, the others, and the fans anymore. I’m going. I’m sorry Yunho ah.. You can hate me for this, I don’t care. You probably already hate me enough. Nonetheless, I hope you still read this letter. This is the last you’ll hear from me. I love you Yunho. I’m sorry, again, for what I’ve been doing – calling you, and that day, confessing.
I’m such a coward and I know you hate knowing a coward like me. Forgive me, Yunho. Forgive me so I’ll be safe in heaven. For as long as you don’t forgive me, I can’t be in peace. Yunho ah.. Can you do me this one last favour? Please, grant this for me.
I want to see from up there, that all 4 of you are together again. Singing on stage. Please, I’m begging you, Jung Yunho. If not forever, just one last time. I’ll be there with the four of you. I’ll be there to complete the Cassiopeia.
– Kim Jaejoong.”
Just end it, end me- if you’re not going to be next to me
I’m sorry but I’ll leave now- following your footsteps
Following the road with no end- as I wander to find you
I’m afraid I will lose you and be sadDon’t leave, don’t leave- can’t you stay?
Lies, lies, I don’t hear anything
I love you, I love you- can’t you show me?
Can’t you love me, love me, love me?
Don’t leave, don’t leave- can’t you stay?
Lies, lies, I don’t hear anything
I love you, I love you- can’t you show me?
Please come back
First ever DB5K drabble/one-shot. I hope it's, well, good. o/
doesn't know what else to say. / db5k feels tho.
peace.
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