Guitar Strings

---

 

 

 

 

I have grown used to being sent to my hospital bed, this place is like my second home, hell, I have spent most of my life here. I hate it, I really do. The strong smell of antiseptic burns my throat, the plastic tubes that help me breath make my nasal sore, and these damn needles, these damn nurses, smiling at me, encouraging me. “You’ll be very strong and healthy soon.” Yeah… tell that to my failing heart. It’s horrible here, knowing that one day I’ll die, in this very room. But after all these operations, these literally heart-stopping moments, the spewing, the thick air… I wish I dropped dead right now, but I won’t, I can’t forgive myself if I do, because I have him.

 

 

I remember when I first met him, I had turned 21 and decided I’d trick one of the nurses into taking me to the park parallel from the hospital as a birthday present. The second we stepped past the park gates, I snatched my oxygen tank and ran for it. Rather than wheeling it, I carried it securely with my “frail” arms and swiftly disappeared into the trees. There was a steep hill, so to get as far away from her as possible, I climbed it. I remember it was quite the heave as I dragged the oxygen tank behind me, but when I reached the top, I took out my breathing tubes and abandoned them with the machine. It was risky, but god did it feel great. I took off my hospital dress -which I wore over a pair of jeans and a white sweater- and rolled down the hill. I had never felt so free, I grinned and laughed to my heart’s content, well, that was when my heart was still intact. When I got to the bottom of the hill, I rolled to a certain someone’s feet. He stared at me weirdly, after all, I was a grown man acting like a three year old. I remember looking up at him and, as corny as it is, fell in love at an instant, his pink lips pouted with milky skin that glowed in the sunlight. Like the morning star, his golden hair shone as well as his chocolate eyes sparkled, he blinked slowly, long, dark eyelashes casting light shadows among his cheekbones.

“Are you okay?” he asked and that’s when I met the love of my life, Byun Baekhyun. We had spent most of our day together, I humoured him with my past experiences of my ferret, when I was younger and still healthy. He had the most angelic laugh, it was music to my ears. I did not fail to catch how his eyes darkened as he talked about his boyfriend, so I did this weird thing with my nose and he laughed again. I let him play with my ears since he wouldn’t stop staring at them and he let me look at his scars. He explained his injuries caused by his said boyfriend, so I told him about my condition. He laced his fingers with mine and rested his head on my shoulder, at that moment I felt my heart beat quicker for a reason that wasn’t an attack. The nurse found me of course, she took my oxygen tank and pulled me by the ear, she did not allow Baekhyun to follow since she wanted to punish me by having no visitors for a week. After that tedious period, Baekhyun dropped by and placed sweet alices on the side table. We talked and talked, he told me about how his abusive boyfriend never allowed him to have friends and I was the first person he had talked to in forever. I held his hand and whispered a dirty joke in his ear, which caused him to gasp and hit me on the shoulder, but he smiled and let out a little laugh before telling me something morbidly worse. That was our relationship during the first month, he visited every fortnight, then every week, until finally every day. He had been lying to his boyfriend, saying that work had been hectic and needed more staff. I had received my results earlier that day and told him about how my blood pressure had become higher, he panicked but I had the doctors reassure him.

 

 

Before I knew it, New Years rolled along. Baekhyun had gotten into another fight with his boyfriend and luckily escaped before the other could throw a punch. He ran back here, crying with his head in my lap as I his hair. It was too bad that I was sick, I would have stormed into his apartment and kicked the guy’s … but of course I could only be satisfied with the thought, even now I still want to kill that guy. Through successful persuasion and a little help of threatening to destroy my oxygen tank, my doctor permitted Baekhyun to sleep in my room. That night, we huddled together on my bed with multiple sheets draped over us as we watched the fireworks explode into the sky. I never really fancied New Years before, the fireworks were always so noisy and all I wanted was to sleep, but watching them with Baekhyun made my stomach bubble, it just felt so right to be next him, that’s when I decided that maybe I wouldn’t mind New Years so much, just so long as Baekhyun is right there next to me.

 

 

One day, Baekhyun brought this old ukulele he had since he was a child and gave it to me. I was intrigued by the instrument and would play small tunes on it, although it was very untuned, I loved the gift. It became my hobby, whenever I doubled over in pain, I reached over to it and strummed a few chords, the soft music put my mind at ease, enchanting me with a content atmosphere until soon enough the pain was gone… that ukulele became my support.

 

 

Another day, he was humming a tune to the ECG, when he suddenly mentioned that the beeps made a good beat starter. So I inhaled a deep breath and took out my breathing tubes before beatboxing to my heart rate. He laughed and bobbed along before, as he liked to call it, “spitting some rhymes” to it.

“Uh, yeah. Ayo it’s tha Big BB in da house, with ma home boy, Parksnizzle Yeola. Ha ha! We be tha sickest clique, of only two peeps, more like tha most homo rap duo since Krease ‘n TaoZ. Ya’ll see us chillin with tha doctors, hittin on some nurses. Maybe not since we gay, but we own satchels not purses. We be tha baddest group, on dis H Town floor, we don’t get high on morphine, ya’ll end up pretty sore. If we see you drop a bud, prepare to get owned, cuz you shouldn’t be lighting cigs in a smoke free zone. Fool.” He rapped and I stopped before laughing so hard I needed to crank up my oxygen tank.

“How did you know I was gay?” I asked him and he shrugged before casually answering, “It’d be disappointing if you weren’t.”

 

 

Five months into the year, his birthday came by so I pleaded to be discharged for the entire day, my doctor sighed and gave me money, he patted me on the back and muttered “I’ll see you in the morning.” I left the hospital wearing my best bleach-washed jeans, a clean grey shirt and black cardigan, I walked into the florist and bought a cute little bouquet of meadowfoams and sweet alices that were secured together with a laced baby blue ribbon. I met up with him at the spot we first ever seen each other and confessed, his eyes teared up as he took the bouquet from me, he wrapped his arms around my neck and placed those soft lips on mine.

“I love you too Chanyeol, oh my god do I love you…” he whispered between kisses and I held him closer, afraid that I’d lose him. I treated him to ice cream and bubble tea, holding his hand as I pulled my oxygen tank behind me. Before I knew it, the sun had set behind the cluster of buildings and Baekhyun pulled me back to his house, his boyfriend never came home during week days so we were safe for the night. Baekhyun lead me to his room and I discarded my breathing tubes, rid of any type of clothing, he turned off the lights and we laid tangled in the bed sheets, his fringe plastered to his forehead with cold sweat as he hovered above me. I inhaled his hot pants, humid air thick around us as my hands run down his soft milky skin, radiating in the moonlight’s silver glow. I caressed his waist before tracing his hip bones, he laced his long, dainty fingers in my hair, his plush lips pressed against my own as I enjoyed his addictive taste in my mouth. His soft mewls made me go wild as he lolled his head back, I latched onto his neck and lapped up sweet sweat along his collarbone as he dug his nails into my shoulders. He moaned my name in guiltless pleasure, it made me dizzy, due to slight shortness of breath, but overall the desire for more of him, and I took more. I was greedy for Baekhyun, through multiple rounds I kept my selfish act, keeping him to myself, asking for more despite how exhausted we were, but I wanted to make the most of that night. The day before, I had received my results. My heart had started to deteriorate. So we kept at it, I tasted his skin as we pressed against each other, until the break of dawn, we collapsed, sticky and tired, I wrapped my arms around his waist protectively and kissed him one last time before falling asleep. Later that day, we went back to the hospital and apologised to my doctor, who had been running all over to find me. When he asked what I was doing, I could only wriggle my eyebrows suggestively and say “Depends on which hours.” with a wink as Baekhyun’s face reddened.

 

 

There were a certain few weeks where he stopped visiting… I got so worried I couldn’t bring myself to play the ukulele. My nurse, Dara, came in to do daily checks and looked at Baekhyun’s seat by my bed and rubbed her hands together with an uncertain face. I knew she knew something, she knew I did too, she sighed and sat beside me, placing her hand on my shoulder.

“Promise me you won’t run?” she asked and I suspiciously promised. She heaved a deep breath of air.

“I overheard from the other nurses that a young male a little older than you was beaten till he couldn’t blink. He has to now manually open and close his eyes until the trauma subsides. When they arrived his eyes were wide open and he was in a fetal position under the bed, like he was paranoid of whatever enters the room. He was also mumbling one name, crying while he did so. They asked him his name but the name he was mumbling was all he said. “Chanyeol.” When they asked who Chanyeol was, he cried even more, so they were hoping to find this Chanyeol guy and ask him some questions… I’ll tell you his room, but only if you talk to the police men, okay?”

I was even more worried, knowing that Baekhyun was bedridden as well made my heart sink and only want to see him. I agreed and she led me there. When I entered his room I found the policemen scratching their heads as he stared into nothing.

“Baekhyun…” I said and everyone in the room stared at me, Baekhyun’s therapist watched as Baekhyun’s pupils dilated. I walked to his side and wrapped my arms around him. I closed his eyes and kissed his forehead before politely asking everyone to leave. The policemen were reluctant and asked who I was. I said my name and they stared at each other, Baekhyun’s therapist said that it was best for me to get something out of him. They left accordingly and I sat in the chair his therapist was previously occupying. I held his hand and laughed.

“I heard you were saying my name, so here I am… tell me what happened.” I said and Baekhyun reached up to open his eyes. He explained everything, he broke up with his boyfriend and was packing to leave their house, but the latter wasn’t so pleased and beat him before threatening to kill him. Baekhyun ran upstairs and locked himself in his bedroom, cradling himself under his bed as he waited for the latter to burst in and take his life. Whilst he did this, he quietly pleaded for me to save him. The neighbours heard the loud crashes and screaming, so they called the police. Baekkhyun’s ex boyfriend escaped over the back fence when they came. I pulled Baekhyun into my arms and apologised again and again, I apologised that I couldn’t save him, that I wasn’t there to protect him. Yet he still smiled, he gripped my hospital dress and shifted closer into my front.

 

“It’s okay, we don’t have to worry about him anymore, we can be together forever.” He said and I couldn’t help but squeeze him tighter. I shut my eyes, my condition hasn’t changed… but anything was better than worse, Baekhyun’s ex was out of the picture and finally Baekhyun was mine, everything was going the way I wanted. I spoke to the police and they sent out a search for the ex while Baekhyun’s therapist worked on his condition as he healed. It was wonderful, Baekhyun made rapid recovery and soon enough he was able to blink on his own, his ex was caught and sentenced to 15 years in jail and 4 more years of community service, even my own heart was making massive improvements to the point where my doctor let me go out every now and then.

 

 

It was already near the end of the year when Baekhyun gave me the grandest present I have ever received before, it was my birthday when he waddled into my stuffy little hospital room, carrying a large object behind his back. I was in awe when I saw her, the second most beautiful thing in the world, after Baekhyun. Maia, my gorgeous acoustic guitar, she has the most lovely dark tinted edge to a cream face and white marbled vines indented into her neck, the frets were marbled. I grazed my fingers over the strings and plucked an open E chord, it’s low sound resonated off the walls, it sent a shiver down my spine. I remember playing a slow tune on Maia, Baekhyun watched quietly, a smile plastered on his face. He rocked side to side, humming softly before opening his mouth. I stopped playing and was mesmerised by his angelic voice. That was the first time I heard him sing. That night I had once again convinced my doctor to let Baekhyun stay the night, and our bodies connected for the second time. The sensation of his heat wrapped around me felt like it was the first time, I was drowning in the way his eyes locked on mine in such a sensual way, it only made me want him more, his lewd body writhing, his addictive taste. It was risky doing it then and there, my mind was blaring sirens whenever I heard a soul’s footsteps walk past my door, but with Baekhyun panting and pleading for more in my ear, I couldn’t help but keep going, biting and , he was so intoxicating that all my worries of someone walking in became nothing but a forgotten thought. We weren’t caught thankfully, and he slept the night in my arms.

 

 

I am happier now than I have ever been, though I still have times were I wanted to just die. Not that a cheerful tune and Baekhyun’s smiling face couldn’t help. Amazing, to think that I came from bedridden and hopeless to the happy-go-lucky survivor I am till now… but it was all too good to be true.

 

 

I collapsed yesterday… I think it was yesterday, I out for a while and woke up, but when I did… I couldn’t seem to open my eyes. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t pry them open. You know that feeling? When you are asleep but still conscious at the same time? When you can hear the voices around you and feel the bed beneath you, but you are… paralysed? Well I’ve been feeling like that since I ‘woke’ up. Usually you feel like you are falling and as you are about to hit the ground your leg spasms and you wake up. But I have been falling for so long now, I don’t even know if there is a bottom. I hear Baekhyun. He talks to me. He tries to play Maia, and it’s the cutest thing ever. He always makes these little mistakes and huffs over it, whining and cursing her like a little boy blaming the dog after eating the last cookie. Sometimes he would sing, other times he will try to stir me up by whispering dirty things in my ear. I want to sit up and hold him, kiss him like my world isn’t crumbling down before me. But then after a while, these confident approaches turned scared and frail. He voice quivered as he asked me to wake up. I want to yell out that I was awake, that I can hear everything, that I can feel everything. Earlier I heard people mumbling to one another, I felt a stinging in my right arm and something fill my arm, then they left the room. I was confused… did they leave that thing in my arm? But then I felt something touch my face, it opened my mouth, closed it, play with my nostrils, enter my ears and last of all, peel my eyelids open. I was greeted by a bright light, I couldn’t see much, but it felt good to open my eyes again. I saw something… something I swore I’ll never see again… It was Baekhyun, hollowed cheeks, dark eye bags, pale skin, and glistening puffy eyes, staring back at me. He was holding himself, shaking as he tried to stifle his crying. I wanted to reach out, I wanted to comfort him. I didn’t know what was wrong until they closed my eyes again. That’s when realisation came crashing down on me.

 

“I’m sorry, but he has not been showing any signs of recovery or response, we are going to have to cut it.” My doctor said and I thought I almost fainted, if that was possible.

 

“No please-” a high cracked voice pleaded and my doctor stopped them.

 

“Baekhyun, I know you love him dearly, but he has been in a coma for three months now.”

 

“Dearly? I love him more than the world.”

 

“I understand but, don’t you think we all suffered enough? He’s on life support, you are slowly deteriorating yourself and the guilt is eating me away.”

 

“Guilt of what?”

 

“The guilt that I cannot save him.”

 

There was silence. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Life support? Coma? Three months? No… it couldn’t be.

 

“Please, Baekhyun... for the one you love, end his suffering.”

 

“I’m so sorry…” Baekhyun’s voice whispered and I screamed, I kicked, I twisted around, trying to let them know I was here.

 

“I AM HERE!” I screamed.

 

“I’M ALIVE!” I cried. But the more and more weak I got, the deeper and deeper I fell. But I see it this time, I see the bottom. So I pleaded, I needed to be there, with Baekhyun. I’m the only person that could look after him. I’m the only person that could make him smile. I want to live on, I want to protect him, love him. Please, I want to be with Baekhyun.

 

 

 

But then like a guitar solo coming to an end, I hear my heart beat slower, and the bottom become closer.

 

 

 

Just one last time I plead. I’ll give anything to play Maia again, and to feel Baekhyun’s lips on mine. Just for a day. A day is all I need, to bid goodbye.

 

 

 

A proper goodbye.

 

 

 

My heart is the drum, beating slower, and slower, and slower.

 

I’m only two metres from hitting the ground, as the guitarist plays the ending chords.

 

 

 

And finally…

 

 

 

 

The last few guitar strings.

 

 

 

 

 

 

-End-