When Jongdae was little, he used to play in the rain and he loved it. He loved it when he felt the soft drops of water on his face. He loved to wait until the storm was over and run outside to play in the mud and the puddles of water in the backyard.

He would play in the puddles and mud until his clothes were cake with the sticky substance and soggy with the water holding him down.

When Kim Jongdae was six years old, he loved the rain, the puddles and the mud.

But now?

He hates them all. He hates the rain and he hates the puddles and the mud.

Why?

Because they bring pain, suffering and heartache. They bring questions that Jongdae can’t answer and answers that have no questions.

Kim Jongdae is sixty four years old and he screams when he sees rain. He screams until his throat is raw and bloody. He screams until there is nothing else to scream.

His screams started when Jongdae was eighteen and in love.

-

“Yah! Kim Minseok!” Jongdae yelled into his boyfriend’s ear. “What the hell are you doing?”

Minseok jumped back and stared at Jongdae with wide eyes. Jongdae, who was towering over the smaller boy, had a smile that only the younger could pull off and a long smug of dirt against his cheek. He looked brilliant in the Seoul night sky.

Well at least, Minseok thought he did.

“I’m staring at you.” He said with a bright smile. “I can’t stare at my boyfriend?”

“No.” Jongdae replied. “You have to love your boyfriend.”

“And I do. I love my boyfriend oh so much.”

“Pft. What lies.” Jongdae joked.

Minseok just smiled and pressed a kiss to Jongdae’s cheek. “Yes, they’re lies. Really big lies.”

Two walked along the edge of garden with their finger intertwined. Jongdae hummed quietly and swung their arms.

“I have to go back.” Jongdae said suddenly causing Minseok to frown.

“Do you?”

“Yeah. Dr. Jung said that I might be able to come home in a while.”

Minseok brighten at this. “Really?”

“Yup!” Jongdae said popping the ‘p’. “I can’t wait!”

The older male was so excited that he pressed a kiss to Jongdae’s lips. The two stood there for a moment kissing happily at the news of Jongdae leaving. Minseok couldn’t wait until Jongdae was safely in his arms under the bright night sky. He really wanted to take the younger stargazing because that’s all Jongdae could talk about when he was with him.

Minseok walked Jongdae to door and pressed another kiss to his lips. “I’ll see you next week?” he asked and Jongdae nodded.

“I’ll see you next week, Minseokkie!” he replied happily. “I love you hyung.”

“I love you too.”

Jongdae beamed and he bounced off inside. It took no more than a few seconds for Jongdae to come back out but he wasn’t looking at Minseok.

No.

He was looking behind his lover.

“Aren’t you coming, Lulu? Minseokkie needs to leave.”

No one passed Minseok who looked at Jongdae who just smiled. Now he looked at his lover. “Bye hyung!”

Everything inside of Minseok died. He wanted nothing more than to stomp on the doctor’s face because Jongdae wasn’t getting any better.

.

-

Dr. Kim Jongin has just graduated from one of the best medical schools in South Korea and is the doctor for Jongdae. He looks at the older male, strapped to his bed as he whimpers and whines about some boy named Kim Minseok.

He doesn’t know who Kim Minseok is but he wants to know. He wants to know why his patient screams Minseok’s name when it rains but more importantly he wants to know why Jongdae screams “I’m sorry”.

Jongin walks into the room and clears his throat, in hopes that he doesn’t have to say anything to the now silent male.

“Jongdae-sshi?” he calls out.

Jongdae’s head rolls to the side. “Who are you?”

“My name is Kim Jongin an-“

“Kim? Are you related to me?”

Jongin pauses for a moment before uttering the small lie. “I’m a distant cousin of yours and I came to see how you’re doing.”

Jongdae smiles brightly. “Oh! I see. It’s nice to meet you, Kim Jongin. You’re not a doctor are you? I don’t like them because they make me eat those nasty pills and I don’t want to eat those pills because then I won’t have the chance to say sorry.”

“Say sorry to who?”

Jongdae is quiet. “To Seokkie.”

“Seokkie?”

The man strapped to the bed nods. “Seokkie. Minseokkie. Kim Minseokkie. The light of my life Seokkie. Oh Seokkie, I miss you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Seokkie, where are you? I have to say I’m sorry. Seokkie.” He says this as his hands turn into fists and he starts to squirm against the bed and his restraints.

“Jongdae?”

“MINSEOKKIE!” Jongdae starts to scream. “MINSEOKKIE!! WHERE ARE YOU MINSEOKKIE!?”

-

Days had passed since Jongdae had last seen Minseok but he had seen Lulu and Sehunnie. Lulu and Sehunnie were Jongdae’s friends and they kept him company when he wasn’t able to see Minseok which was pretty much all the time.

“The doctors are stupid.” Jongdae mumbled. “They won’t let me see Minseok right now. I want to see Minseok! Minnie, where are you?” he whined.

-

Jongdae sits up in his bed and smiles to the wall. He sees three people standing there. A boy in blue and white whose name is Lulu. To the older male, he looks like a doll with his bright white skin and his pale eyes which followed Jongdae’s every move. Another boy in green whose name is Sehunnie stands next to Lulu and they are holding hands. Sehunnie looks a lot like Lulu with pale like eyes and bright white skin. Minseok also stands there. He looks the same when Jongdae last saw him with his chocolate eyes and milky skin and those pajamas that Jongdae loves.

Minseok stands there with a sad smile looking at Jongdae.

“Minnie.” The man says reaching out. “How are you today?”

Minseok just looks at him without saying anything. He still has his sad smile on his face but he keeps his hands to his side as Jongdae keeps reaching out.

“Minnie, are you not going to answer me?” Jongdae asks as he stops reaching out. “Because I want to talk to you and tell you things that I’m not sure you knew.”

The old man stands up and walks over to the wall to pet Minseok’s face as the other two boys disappear. Jongdae watches as a small tear rolls down the elder’s cheek and he brings his hand back. He looks at his hand and all he sees is red.

Red.

Red.

RED.

Jongdae screams.

He screams “I’m sorry”.

He screams “I love you”.

He screams and screams and screams.

Jongin comes rushing into the room and is startled by the sight. Jongdae had found something sharp and slashed the palm of his hand and is bleeding while screaming words that Jongin cannot understand. He watches as the older man is sitting on the ground, rocking his body and leaving bloody prints against the white linoleum floor.

“Jongdae!” Jongin yells out running to the rocking man.

Jongdae just screams again.

“Jongdae,” Jongin starts to plead. “It’s me, Jongin. You know your cousin.”

Jongdae stops screaming and stares at Jongin. He stops rocking and moves slowly to where the younger is. He wraps his arms around Jongin’s shoulders and cries.

It takes a few minutes for Jongin to calm down and whispers his next set of words. “I saw Minseok. He was standing right there,” he points. “And was looking at me with those sad eyes of his. I can’t handle Minseok’s sad eyes because they make me feel all strange inside but then he makes me do the right thing. Minseokkie’s eyes were the best thing about him. They were an amazing shade of brown. Minseokkie, I miss you.” He sobs once more and all Jongin can do is rock the poor male to sleep.

Once Jongdae is sleeping peacefully in his bed, Jongin steps out of the room and flags down the nearest nurse. “When he wakes up, let me know.”

“Of course, doctor.”

-

It two years later when Jongdae was finally home, he was excited to be with the one that he loved oh so dearly.

Minseok always told him that when life gave him lemons, to make lemonade because lemonade makes the world go round.

Jongdae didn’t believe that one bit.

Speaking of Minseok, Jongdae saw him standing at his front door with a bright smile. Being the person that Jongdae is, he threw himself at the older male and peppered kisses all over the elder’s face and Minseok laughed.

“Welcome home, Daedae.”

“It’s good to be home, Minseokkie~”

-

Jongdae stares at the shower head as it sprinkles water against the white of the bathtub. Instead of seeing the clear droplets of water, he sees bright red. He sees red against the white and white against the red.

But this time it’s different.

Before he used to scream when he saw red but now he doesn’t want to.

So instead, he walks into the raining red and watches as red collides with the white of his skin.

Jongdae feels gross. He feels disgusting and sick but he doesn’t scream.

He tries to clean his body and his hair before it’s time for him to get out. He tries and tries but a sob rips through his mouth startling him. Jongdae closes his eyes and prays for the red to go away. He prays and waits until he feels safe to open them once more.

Jongdae opens his eyes and sees no red.

Jongdae smiles.

He cleans his body happily and hums a tune before stepping out of the shower. He walks over to the mirror and screams before punching it.

Jongdae screams once more.

-

“Sehun doesn’t like you.” Jongdae said one day to Minseok. “But I like you. Wait no, I love you. Jongdae loves Minseok!”

The elder can only nod as he watched his lover with sad eyes. Jongdae wasn’t getting any better and he was trying to figure out if he should send him back to the home. Maybe it would be better for him to go back because of it.

Minseok was at a loss.

“Hyung!” Jongdae yelled snapping Minseok back to his younger lover. “Are you okay?”

The older flashed a tight lipped smile. “I’m fine. Why?”

“You just seemed out of it. You’d tell me if anything was wrong, right?”

Minseok smiled. “Of course I would.” He said poking the other’s nose. “I would tell you anything and everything that was wrong with me.”

The younger beamed. “Good! Because I would do the same for you.”

“I’m glad.”

They stayed up talking for a little while longer before the younger fell asleep. Minseok smiled at the sight and moved so that his younger lover would be able to sleep comfortably. He pressed a kiss to the top of Jongdae’s head and went to decide if keeping Jongdae here was the best thing.

-

Jongdae sits next to Jongin with his head in the younger’s lap. Jongin, who doesn’t know what to do in this situation, runs his fingers in the old man’s hair. It’s a gesture that’s intimate but it’s something that calms the other down.

“Do you want to know something, Jonginnie?” Jongdae asks.

“Sure.”

“Minseokkie used to always say ‘when life gives you lemons make lemonade”. He used to think that lemonade made the world go round but I didn’t believe it.”

“Oh?” Jongin asks curious to see how the old man thinks. “Why not?”

“Because lemons are sour which means you can have a sour life but then lemonade is sweet and slightly sour.”

“And why is having a sour life a bad thing?”

“Because nothing good comes from a sour life. I have a sour life and nothing good has come from it.”

“How about Minseok?” Jongin questions as he pauses from running his fingers through Jongdae’s hair. “Isn’t he sweet?”

Jongdae shrugs and doesn’t move from his spot. “I guess but Minseok is gone and therefore everything turned sour. Life doesn’t give you lemons but pain. Life gives pain.”

Jongin has to silently agree with what the old man was saying.

-

Days past and Minseok knew that it was selfish to keep Jongdae here. He kept talking about Lulu and Sehunnie being near them at all times and it scared the older just a bit. The hospital was supposed to take care of Jongdae and help him with his condition but it didn’t look like it did anything.

Minseok stood in the kitchen with a phone against his shoulder and his eyes looking outside looking at the pouring rain. He wished that he could out there so that he could cry. No one would notice if he was crying because they would just see a man walking in the rain. He bit his lip before turning around and yelping. Jongdae stood there with furrowed brows and his lips in a straight line with his hands on his waist. He was bare minus the loose hanging pants against his hips.

“Sehunnie said that you were trying to send me back.” He said his voice low and scary. Minseok gulped.

“Ba-“

“Sehunnie doesn’t like you.”

Minseok ran outside.

-

Sixty four year old Kim Jongdae now lies still as a rock. His eyes aren’t open and his toes aren’t moving. His mouth isn’t open and he’s not screaming. Instead it’s silent and quiet.

For the first time in six months since Jongin has been at the Eva Mental Hospital, Kim Jongdae’s room is quiet. This fact scares Jongin to no end and he rushes into the room. He’s scared that Jongdae is dead because the old man seems like it. He reaches out to touch nothing but cold skin.

It’s not Jongdae that screams this time, it’s Jongin.

-

Jongdae stood in the rain, the once clear water staining red. He saw Minseok’s eyes staring back at him. There’s not a puddle of rain water but a puddle of red. The rain isn’t water but raining red.

Jongdae decided that he shouldn’t listen to Lulu and Sehunnie.

Jongdae decided that he doesn’t like rain.

He dropped to his knees and hugged Minseok.

Jongdae screamed.

-

When they clean out Jongdae’s room, Jongin finds a journal. It has Jongdae’s name on the cover and a quote that doesn’t take the doctor but moments to figure out. He flips to the back and sees a picture of two boys smiling happily to the camera. He sees Jongdae’s eye smile and someone who he believes to be Kim Minseok.

It’s then that Jongin realizes that he never learned why Jongdae was sorry.

-

It’s not until years pass and Jongin comes across Jongdae’s forgotten journal once more that the doctor realizes why Jongdae was sorry.

Jongdae was sorry because Minseok was dead.

Kim Jongdae was sorry because he had killed Kim Minseok.

-

“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.”

hey y'all so this is that. i'm telling you this, just so you know. and in case you didn't know, jongdae's lemon was his insanity. mmkay? well that's all. goodbye! 8D  (and yes, i know that it's badly written)