The sky was at its peak of complete and utter darkness, when our trembling protagonist continues to count a herd of jumping sheep hoping to make time tick faster. At a distance, flashes of lights could be seen approaching at a fast pace to where Jongdae was. Even if it was still a bit far off, he could already hear the echo of the thunder clapping oh-so-mockingly at him.

It was at these times, when Kim Jongdae just wants to shrink as small as possible, crawl into a miniature hole, and pray that the hole he was hiding in could protect him from his greatest fear.

Truth to be told, Jongdae had admittedly (and pathetically) a slight fear-

BOOM

Okay, he lied.

A very big fear of thunder and lightning

Perhaps it was just that he couldn’t stand the untimely flashes of nature’s phenomena or maybe, it was just such an incredibly bad combination with the booming crackles of the thunder. Jongdae doesn’t have time to contemplate about something as minor as that when he’s too busy blocking everything out.  Even if he had his thick blanket to cover up the noise, he knows in his mind that fear was taking over his body. He would lose control over his senses, until the time when his mind fails to handle the enormous amount of stress; it was the Jongdae predicts his vision would be devoured by darkness.

When he wakes up early in the morning, he sits up abruptly, sweat profusely running down his forehead and neck, breathing heavily.

He does not remember anything but the sharp images of thunder haunting his whole being.

Although weak, he runs as fast as he could towards the only comforting embrace he knows he will be able to find solace when everyone else is sleeping.

He arrives in a completely different room from his.

Specifically Luhan’s.

The room was quite cold after the air conditioning had just turned off; sending a shiver across Jongdae’s disheveled anatomy. It was only three in the morning so he had to feel his way through the room without disturbing Xiumin, Luhan’s current roommate. He felt the computer table situated just south of the double decker bed. His left hand was busy clutching the table for support, while the other waving in front of him to warn him of any obstructions. He hears the bed creak and Luhan’s body turning to face him.

“Chen, Xiumin is sleeping with the maknaes tonight. Come and sleep beside me.”

Luhan motioned him to occupy the remaining space on his left. Jongdae walked blindly towards him, stumbling a bit in the process.  The sleepy Luhan takes his cold and clammy hand and pulls him towards his warm embrace, landing on the bed with a slight thump. He circles his arms around the man beside him, one near his waist, and the other on his neck.

“Are you okay Dae-ah? Do you need me to move closer?”

He only calls Jongdae that when they were alone together.

He just shakes his head slightly and planted his face at the junction of Luhan’s neck and collar.

Luhan cradles his baby’s head, whispering nothing but sweet words of assurance, and promises of the thunderstorm nearing its end.

 But Luhan realizes that he can only hold his Jongdae’s shivering body.

Knowing his beloved was in a very unreadable mood, Luhan puts his sweet sounding vocals to use by sing to his boyfriend who was now clutching his shirt like his life depended on it.

But maybe it did.

Luhan runs his fingers through Jongdae’s dyed hair, feeling the soft texture despite the chemical coloring that defiled it, as he softly sings Korean ballads to bring in some sense of familiarity in Jongdae. They were in China right now, so Luhan can never blame him for being more afraid.

It was sad.

Sad, when Luhan thinks back to the fact that Jongdae had no one but him, and him alone.

He had no mother to sing him lullabies

No father to encourage him through life

No sibling to confide in

He had nothing but himself and fear following him everywhere he went.

Jongdae’s fear was more than flashing electrons and audible sound waves coming from a chemical reaction. It was the traumatizing memory embedded at the back of his mind. Jongdae had lost his parents in a thunderstorm, while the two were travelling homewards from a trip. Jongdae was around six years old at that time when he hears the soft wailing of his aunts. He peeked out from the door of his room, looking through the railings. He saw his aunt’s shocked look as she hears an unfamiliar voice bring her the news of her brother and his wife passing away in a car accident. Before he could even shed a single teardrop, he saw himself standing in front of his parent’s casket wide-eyed, smile strained. The caskets began to disappear into the realm of the earth.

From the soil of the earth we begun, and back to its embrace do we return

When the soil was firmly placed back, the people began to disperse into a blurry picture. Droplets of rain began to pour itself, as if the sky was mourning along with little Jongdae. For a very long time, Jongdae just stood erect, looking down on his parents’ headstone. Unmoving. Tearless. Numb.

BOOM

The thunder snapped Little Dae out of his thoughts. He began to tremble, finally feeling the heavy water penetrating his back, his soul. The ear-piercing crackles resound in his ears.

Over

And

Over

And

Over

Again

Jongdae collapses on the moist and muddy ground.

It was then that his fear started to manifest itself.

Most nights, for the next consecutive years, Jongdae had been fighting a battle no one could assist him with.

A battle of wills, resolve, determination, dominance.

He had to fight the fear swarming his body when he closes his eyes.

Whether he would live to see the next day,

Or to end his suffering and face death in the eyes,

Jongdae does not know the better option to take.

Well, at least, until he met the Beijing descent whose arms he was now in.

“Luhan”

“Shhh, I’m here”

“Luhan”

“I’m always with you”

“Luhan”

“Go to sleep, I’ll be there when you wake up”

Jongdae snuggles deeper into Luhan’s arms.

The Chinese native just continues to sing, gazing lovingly at man underneath him.

Jongdae had taken his word, and was now sleeping soundly.

And Luhan wants to keep it that way.

He fell in love with the vulnerable Jongdae who was strip bare of any kind of evil, innocent and pure. His chastity could be compared to that of a cherub, overviewing the deeds of humanity. He carried himself with sublime elegance yet he still had the clumsy touch of a child, still trying to discover the world one experience at a time. He conversed with other people like they were rare species, keeping quiet unless his opinions were necessary. In addition to that, he was very sensitive to the shifting of emotions of others, to the point that when they had met, the first few sentences Jongdae direct at him were,

“You shouldn’t smile when you’re sad. It only makes it worse”

Luhan’s jaw was slacking at Jongdae’s straightforward opinion.

True, he was actually in a very bad mood after his vocal trainer scolds him for his unacceptable singing. It wasn’t his fault that his throat was not in a good condition. It was that stupid teacher’s fault for keeping him until late the night before, practicing the same point over and over again. It was overly frustrating and exhausting for both his throat and mind.  But he knows he stills has to show up the day after with a smile decorating his features.

But in all his life, the doe-eyed man was yet to meet a man as frank and innocently honest as this one fidgeting and flustered in front of him.

“You’re a sharp one. I don’t think I’ve heard you around. May I know your name?” Luhan attempts to approach the young man, staggering a bit, only for him to retaliate with a step back.

“J-Jongdae…Kim Jongdae”

Ah

Kim Jongdae, the new trainee.

The vocal had been hearing about a newbie dominating the trainee charts with his powerful voice, vibrating through the studio. Luhan himself had yet to hear this miraculous trainee of only 5 months to sing, but he has a strong gut feeling that it was going to be a sight to remember. He holds out his left hand to befriend the scared sheep.

“I’m Lu Han, a trainee as well! It’s nice to meet you; I hope we can become friends!”

“L-likewise”

Jongdae was a bit hesitant to take his hand, but he shakes his head cutely, murmuring a small encouragement to himself. He finally reaches out, but a loud noise interrupts his attempt. In a split second, Jongdae lunches himself towards Luhan, knocking them both down to the floor of their practice room. Luhan’s head hits itself lightly on the glass on the wall. He winces at the pain that shot through his head.

But all his thoughts freeze at the touch of Jongdae, the man he just befriended approximately three minutes and two seco-wait-10 seconds ago.

“Uh..”

“I-I’m sorry… j-just for a l-little w-while… P-please h-hold me”

Blood rushed up to Luhan’s cheeks.

This situation had never happened to him before.

He awkwardly rubs circles on the back of the frightened man in his arms.

When he hears sniffles muffled by his shirt, Luhan knows he needs to do something more.

“Baby don’t cry tonight after the darkness passes
Baby don’t cry tonight it’ll become as if it never happened
You’re not the one to disappear into foam, something you never should’ve known
So Baby don’t cry cry my love will protect you”

Luhan laughs mirthlessly at his careless action.

He wasn’t supposed to reveal any details about this song in the making. He was a confirmed member of the newly formed boy group and the company just doesn’t want to risk any type of leakage before the major event.

Surprisingly, Jongdae’s breathing goes back to normal pace.

Slowly

Slowly

Slowly

Luhan focuses on the heartbeat, pounding against his own. It was quite steady, but frantic at times. It was soothing to Luhan’s ears. It was such a precious sound to his soul. He himself did not hear his mother’s heart frequently as child, for his father was a single parent. He could only satisfy himself by placing his ear to his favorite stuffed deer‘s chest, imagining a beating heart in place of lifeless cotton.

A heart beat signifies life, and Luhan had been lacking that, following reality’s lead uncaring.

“Thank you Luhan-hyung”

That brought him out of his clouded mind.

“N-no problem,uh, I’ll just… let go now…”

Jongdae’s hands clutch his sweaty shirt tightly. Luhan was suddenly over conscious of how he smelled, or how he looked, something he normally would not care about.

“No..For now… can we stay like this?” Jongdae looked up at him with tear-stricken eyes, puffy red from all the crying.

Luhan sighs deeply and just wraps his arms around Jongdae.

“Shhhh, close your eyes for a while.. I’ll cover your ears, if you really can’t handle the storm”

Jongdae smile gratefully at him, his black frames sliding off the bridge of his nose.

That was where they had begun

Another morning was dawning, the sun clearing the darkness the night had brought previously. Another storm has passed. Another fearful night overcame.

Luhan tightens his hold on his boyfriend.

He was going to protect him from everything, even if that entails him to face mother nature’s wrath to destroy the fear in Jongdae’s eyes whenever he looks up to the heavens.

He was going to protect the heartbeat that he held precious to life.

Even if Luhan was genetically blind, and he knows that Jongdae’s heartbeat was his only way to see the world in a completely different perspective.

Sorry not sorry

Snowyspring