I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

 

Coldplay – The Scientist

 

-

 

It was Christmas day.

She was sitting with her family around a table crowded with food. Everyone was smiling and so did she, even if being there right now made her go by a big fight first. But then who cares, it was her family, and being with them was an important thing, especially on a day like this one.

Her dad was trying to crack jokes, the same jokes he tale each year. Her mother was making him the remark, and the girls just laughed at the stupid scene their parents made each year.

It was pretty perfect. A cozy atmosphere. Love filling the air. She felt happy, and a whole.

Everything turned out the way she wanted. She found love. She succeeded in realizing her dream. And her family was as caring as ever.

She was listening to the story her mom was telling, that one when her sister was persistent on wearing a Teletubies suit for the end of year party, when her phone rang.

She looked for it in her bag to find the number of the hospital she was working at. She frowned and picked up without hesitation.

It must be an emergency. 

“Dr. ____, this is Asan Medical Center.” the voice of a woman said from the other side of the line.

“Yes, what is it?”

“Are you in town doctor?” she asked in a rush.

“Yes I am, is there an emergency?”

“Yes, we need your help as fast as possible.”

“I’m coming”

Without uttering a world, she took her bag, and run toward the door while looking for the keys of her car in the process. Soon she was inside the car driving fast toward the hospital she works in.

Around ten minutes later she was parking the car, and ran toward the big building dressing in front of her, and an intern came to her in a hurry and started automatically talking, while they both were heading toward her locker so she could change into hospital clothes.

“The patient is already in the surgery room number 3 and everyone and everything is ready, we were waiting for you. The case is a young man of 28 years old, blood type A. He got into an accident, he lost a lot of blood and probably got hit on the head, we took him to the scanner room, here are the results, so we are suspecting a TBI, and he also broke his tibia.”

“I see, you can go now, I’ll be there right after changing.” She said coldly while looking at the scan results.

She then started changing her clothes, making her best to not freak out. This was her first year as an official surgeon in this hospital. Just months ago, she was still a resident doctor and got supervised by her professors. Now she was alone in front of a situation she never faced alone. Yes, it’s not her first surgery here, but the others didn’t seem as serious as this one. And being at the start of her career, making mistakes or killing her patient would let her scarred forever.

As soon as she changed, she run toward the surgery room, got disinfected, and then went straight to the table where her patient was waiting for her to save him.

She just talked to the anesthetist, asking him to make him sleep when her eyes landed on the one she was about to cure, and she automatically froze.

This can’t be… No, this can’t be.

The one on her table was actually the one she got into a fight with just the day before while arguing about where she should spend her Christmas. He begged her to spend it with him just this time, but she was categorically against it.

She just said that they weren’t married and though they weren’t family, and such a day is a family day, and she just left, letting him hanging there.

And now, she was actually spending her Christmas with him, but totally not the way neither of them wished.

“Yixing…” She whispered, her eyes getting teary and her whole body trembling. Her voice became more audible as she didn’t believe it was actually him lying there, in these bloody sheets, on this deadly table.

“Yixing, no, this can’t be you! No, no! This is not possible!”

The whole staff looked at her surprised not understanding what was going on with her. She was known as the ice princess in the hospital, not shivering a bit no matter the situation, and they were witnessing her break.

She lost all control on herself as she started sobbing hard.

No one could make a move, nor ask. They were shocked. Unless for the anesthetist, who was worrying about the person they need to save.

“Dr. ____, get yourself together, we don’t have much time to save him.”

She didn’t pay him any attention, she couldn’t even hear him, she was so out of her mind.

Looking at the situation, one of the interns, who used to work a lot with her, and was kind of fond on her, decided to make a move. And so he did. He went to her and grabbed her from the wrist and pulled her behind him outside in an attempt to talk to her calmly. As soon as they were outside the short boy hugged her tightly and patted her head.

“____-shi? What is it?”

Hearing this usual voice made her snap back to reality.

“Kyungsoo-ah? It’s Yixing! He is my boyfriend!” she said with a shaky voice still crying on the younger boy’s shoulder, who after hearing what she said froze.

He soon realized he shouldn’t and instead started talking to her to make her go back to her old self.

“Hey doctor, you know, your boyfriend is waiting for you. He needs your help to go back to what he was. There is no one here who can save him. And you will do a great job saving him. Because you love him, and that will, will help you make the impossible possible. You are a strong a woman and I believe in you! You can do it.”

Hearing those words, she stopped crying as the realization hit her. While spending time sobbing, her beloved one was probably going to die, and she just freaked out and was making his life in peril. What Kyungsoo said was right.

She detached herself from the doe eyed boy thanked him, then they went back together to the surgery room, this time full confidence that she can do it. She just can’t let the love of her life die on her surgery table. She didn’t sacrifice her free time studying for letting that happen.

“Scalpel!”

For the next hours all that was heard was the medical apparatus sound, and her calm voice asking for the tools.

Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus.

Don’t kill him.

Don’t.

Kill.

Him.

-

After three hours standing in that room, she finally took off her bloody gloves, and let the interns and nurses in shaft on this cold, supposed-to-be happy night, finish their work, while she ran mindlessly to the bathrooms. As she arrived there, she locked herself inside and threw up all what she ate earlier. And soon her tears came back once again. And she cried for the whole night in there.

They didn’t need her anymore, and the anesthetics weren’t going to fade away before the morning. And so, he wasn’t going to wake up finding himself alone. She was going to be there by then. And she must be there.

 She was the only one he had left. His whole family died when he was younger in China. At this moment, when she wasn’t sure she still had him, she understood what she did. He summoned her to stay with him this night, because she was his family, while she hurt him. She told him you are NOT family to me, and she just wanted to die.

-

It has been a week now since that night, and Yixing was still lying unconscious on the hospital bed, while she was running all over the hospital taking care of other people. And not one moment did regret leave her to herself. In that one week she lost wait and had more bags under her eyes than she ever had in her entire life.

She thought that it was her fault that he didn’t wake up, but all the other doctors told her it wasn’t. He had a traumatic brain injury, and not everyone wakes up after it. But she still didn’t stop blaming herself.

Maybe if it wasn’t her who took the surgery, he would have been better now. But she was forgetting that she was on the top best doctors in her hospital even if she was a beginner.

And the way guilt was eating her, she started living in the hospital. After her work time, she would stay by him, holding his hand for hours until she passes out. She would talk to him, remind him of their happy moment, and end up crying silent tears. She would summon him to wake up, but he still doesn’t. And so, she gets angry at the world, at life, at karma, to go back to herself minutes later, and thank god the apparatus was still emitting the same sound, that his heart was still beating, that no matter how, he was still alive.

-

The week became two, then three and now it turned to a month.

She was as devastated as ever, but managed to keep her ice cold doctor image, and done her work the best way possible, that no one doubted the agony she was living.

On the fourteenth day, as she was humming their favorite while reading a medical book, he opened his eyes for the first time since so long. When she saw it, she couldn’t contain her happiness and jumped from her seat and hugged him tightly before calling the doctor on shift.

When the latter came, he asked her to leave for a while until he checks on him. And so she did. She stood nervously in the hallway, praying deeply from her heart that he was okay. After sleeping for too long, and especially for TBI patient, everything was possible.

It was only five minutes since she was waiting but it already seemed like forever to her, and she started worrying.

One minute later, the doctor, a not so tall man with a milky skin and kind eyes went out from the room and came to her.

“Dr. Kim? How is he? Is everything alright?”

He patted her shoulder and calmed her before starting to dress the case of her boyfriend.

“We checked on him, and all s are functioning. He will need to see the physiotherapist for a while, to regain control on his muscles, and I guess you can figure that out by yourself. His ability to talk, to see and all his other senses are fine. But there is one problem.”

Dr. Kim stopped talking, trying to find the best way to tell her, when smart as she was she guessed it by herself.

“He lost his memory?” she said with a shaky voice, her eyes already getting teary.

He nodded, and her tears found their usual path on her face. Her knees became jelly, and soon they gave her up, and she would have landed on the floor if the doctor wasn’t there to support her. He helped her sit on one of the seats in the hallway and sat beside her.

“The last memory he has is from 2011. I don’t know what he remembers and what he doesn’t but you should know better since you are his girlfriend. And since you are a surgeon, it will make it easier. You already know the rest and I guess I don’t need to explain any further. Just don’t push him a lot if he doesn’t remember. We’ll ask Dr. Byun from the psychiatrist department to look after him.”

He patted her back this time, and told her to stay strong before leaving.

He left. She wiped he tears, and stopped her sadness. At least he was safe and sound, and that was more than enough after fourteenth days in a coma.

As she was about to open the door to Yixing’s room, it hit her that 2011 was the year they first met, and she doesn’t know until when he remembers. Does he remember her?

When she stepped inside, he was sitting. The oxygen mask was off of his face, and his eyes were darted toward the window. No matter how tired he looked, how pale he was, he was beautiful to her.  She missed.

After closing the door, she called for him, and he slowly turned to look at her. The same blank look, but more glassy than before. Usually, his eyes would go soft when they land at her and he would smile that heart whelming smile, showing her that dimple she likes so much. But this time he didn’t, and fear climbed in her. He didn’t remember her. But she didn’t want to lose hope, and told herself it’s because she left on that Christmas night and he was angry at her, but all her hopes fell down like from a cliff when he talked and said those heart breaking words, making her head spin and her heart shatter. And right away, the strong lady that she was gave her adieu.

“Who are you?”

She kept looking at him with her teary not believing that the love of her life forgot about her. From all things in the world he had to forget HER.

“You don’t remember me?” she asked back, still not believing what just came at her.

“I never met you before. I just came to Korea, and I don’t know anyone.” He said casually as if it was the simplest thing in the world, annoyance starting to build in him.

“Do you know where you are now?” she asked with a shaky voice, trying to go back to her professional her hardly.

“In the hospital. That’s what the doctors said. But you still didn’t tell me who you are.”

She nodded.

“I’m Dr. ____. I was your surgeon. And I came check on you.” She said, wiping the tear who escaped her eye, and then smiling casually at him.

“Thank you doctor for saving my life.” He answered and smiled back.

That smile made her tries to look as casual as she could break apart, and before she collapse in front of him and freak him out, she excused herself and left the room again to go lock herself in the bathroom once again.

This is unfair.

It took her about half an hour before she regained herself, and by then, she had to start working again.

True, she was the one who did Yixing’s surgery, but she wasn’t the one to supervise him. He was Dr. Kim’s patient. Before starting the patients’ visit with her interns, she went to him and reported to him what happened, and he reassured you that it wasn’t a big deal, and he will take good care of him. You trusted him, he was one of the bests, and you couldn’t do anything better anyway.

Dr. Byun visited Yixing, and then came Dr. Oh the physiotherapist and after the session, Dr. Kim came back.

All this time, she was working as hard as ever, pushing what happened into the farthest corner in her head. She doesn’t know how she succeeded in that, but she was glad she did.

At one of her patient’s room, she bumped into Dr. Byun, and asked him if he saw Yixing, he said yes, and reported his state.

“He has a temporary memory loss, and it is purely psychic as we concluded Dr. Kim and I. Since he still talk Korean and understand sit while he came to learn it after arriving to Korea, and he himself doesn’t know why he does understand it and speak it while he never learned more than words from here and there. So, he erased what came after his arrival here by his own will. We don’t know why, but that’s how things are. Starting now will help him regain his memory. And for that, I want you to bring us some of his personal things that relate to after 2011. Don’t push him hard, or he will lock his memory even harder.”

The words came at her like a lightening.

She hoped that at least, it wouldn’t be psychic, since she would feel responsible for it forever. But it was. And it hurt her even more.

He erased her with his own will.

He doesn’t want to remember her.

She hurt him too much and she deserves it.

-

It has been two years now since he woke up. He was back to their shared apartment, went back to his work, to his daily life, but not to her.

He still doesn’t remember her no matter what she does.

They kept meeting from time to time where she was doing her best, telling him what they used to do, and informing him of their habits. She didn’t lose hope of him remembering her, not for a second.

She spent those two years reading all psychology books, looking everywhere for a solution, and shutting her broken heart. At each page she read, she hoped his memory would kick back but with no results. He remembered things from here and there, but never what was between them.

She hoped that if his brain doesn’t want to remember her, then maybe his heart will. She hoped that since he fell for her once, he will probably do again. But It didn’t happen either.

They became friends.

He came to her whenever he had difficulties, and she was glad he did, but not once did he show her more than friendship.

And then, that day had to come.

She was leaving from the hospital when he called her and asked her to come by their used-to-be house because he had extremely important news to tell her. She drove right away there, thinking that maybe he remembered, getting her hopes high to get them smashed once more.

Once they sat in the living room around a mug of coffee, he started talking about that girl that made his heart flutter. That girl that wasn’t her. He told her how he was happy with her and how he wanted to be with her forever, forgetting that she was still loving him. He just ignored her feelings and walked on her heart heartlessly, but she still managed to smile at him, happy genuinely that he was happy, ad taking the instant decision to retreat from his life. She hugged him and wished him a happy life then left that house for the last time.

Once at her parents’ house, she cried herself to sleep.

The next day, just as she started her shift at the hospital, the chief of the department called her and made her the offer of taking deeper studies in the U.S.

She agreed instantly seeing it as an opportunity to escape her actual life, and look for a better one elsewhere.

Two weeks later, she met Yixing and informed him of her leave. He almost cried. But he wished her good luck. She wished him happiness. She smiled, hugged him for the last time, and left.

Two days later, she was at the airport, in the waiting hall. She still secretly wished he will remember her. That, like in the dramas, he will come and tell her to stay because he loves her, because he can’t live without her, and so, she waited until the last call to her flight before leaving.

He didn’t come.

-

One year later, she was heading back from the Seattle Grace Hospital where she was transferred to her apartment. She was dead tired and was only thinking of her bed when her neighbor, an old man in his sixties stopped her right as she was about to slip inside, telling that someone came looking for her. She asked if he said anything. He answered that he didn’t say much, but the man was Asian just like her. She nodded, thanked him then went inside, with no idea who the man can be.

Just before drifting to sleep, the thought of Yixing came to her again. If she wasn’t hurt anymore, or if it only became a dull sting in her heart, she didn’t know anymore, but she still couldn’t stop thinking about him. He was still there in her heart no matter what she did. She was even proposed to by one of the most handsome and brilliant surgeons in the hospital, but she still said no. The image of the young Chinese always hunting her. Soon she drifted to sleep.

The next day, and as boring as her life got, she came back home at the same time. This time there was no neighbor to stop her, but another silhouette was sitting on the floor with the head down. She couldn’t see who it was, but something was telling her it was the same person who asked for her the day before.

She tried to wake him, and he lazily raised his head while opening his eyes to look at her, and she almost fell when she saw who it was.

Zhang Yixing.

He smiled at her, while she just looked at him surprised.

“What are you doing here Yixing?” she asked not sure if she wants to know.

Strangely, the glassy look he had before disappeared, and she almost believed that her Yixing was back. But she didn’t want to get disappointed; she may be having ideas again, like she always does.

He didn’t say anything and hugged her tight, a bone cracking hug, and she loved being in his arms again. She didn’t fight back and he didn’t let her go for quite a while.

They stayed like that until she decided that she needed an answer to her question. And he giggled making her heart flutter, and it fluttered even more when she felt his breath on her ear when saying the world she longed for.

“I came to get you back.”

 

End.