Violin

(A sign of betrayal)

Yoochun saw the two figures below his window move. He let out the breath he was holding when he saw them part ways. Their meeting seeming like a tryst for Yoochun. A familiar shadow stood still and looked up. It was as if he knew Yoochun was there watching him. Yoochun immediately moved away from the window and seated himself behind his desk littered with music scores and sheets. He heard the door to his room open and soft footfalls reached his ears. He knew who it was but he didn’t look up, he pretended that he was writing.

“What are you doing? It’s the middle of the night.” Junsu asked his boyfriend after giving him a light kiss on the lips. Yoochun just smiled at him but his smile didn’t reach his eyes. Junsu didn’t notice and proceeded to sit on Yoochun’s lap to cuddle. His lover immediately s a hand around his waist but went back to writing.

“I’m finishing a song for you.” Yoochun stole a kiss from a pouting Junsu.

“What song is that?” Junsu asked and peeked at Yoochun’s notes. “La Luna? Is this Spanish? That sounds different from what you make.” His angelic voice reached Yoochun.

Yoochun stopped writing and faced his lover. “This is our song. I especially made this for us. I promise you I’ll finish it before we go to Seoul. I will play it for you once I’ve finished it. Just wait for me and we’ll sleep afterwards, alright?”

Junsu just looked at Yoochun silently. Yoochun smiled then continued writing notes on his music sheets. Unaware that his boyfriend was quietly studying him, Junsu frowned. This wasn’t lost to Yoochun. In his mind, the scene he saw earlier below his window kept on creeping back. He knew that it was wrong of him to be jealous of his lover and his handler, Yunho, but he couldn’t help it. Not if he could see them talking almost always secretly. It unsettled his mind that his lover has found an interest in his long time friend. He had an inkling that his friend and Junsu would make him leave for France. He had an invitation there to join the world’s most prestigious group and perform in the Conservatory. They said he could also see Nicolo Paganini there. He also had a chance to be under the tutelage of the famous violinist. Not every violinist was ever invited to perform in the Conservatory. It was one of his dreams and with them each being realized, he should have been happy. He was very excited of course, not all musicians get to see and meet the great maestro. But his heart was torn between love and jealousy. Should he go and leave Junsu with Yunho or should he just stay and watch his lover and his friend get closer to each other? Both options were very distasteful to him. Just thinking about it made his heart feel awfully constricted. It made him really irritated and worried at the same time, which was not supposed to happen during his much sought after break.

Yoochun was one of the most famous violinists in the music world at that time. He has performed with well-known names in the music scene and some accolades from French, Italian and Russian composers were also thrown his way. Some even insisted to have collaboration with him. Yoochun was considered a young genius in music at that time. A formidable violinist who could be put in the ranks of the world’s best. His rifts and style could rival any up-and-coming musician of his time. With his great talent, his native country and the world were very lucky to have honed such genius. For a time, Yoochun enjoyed it and basked in the limelight but loneliness and homesickness started to creep into his system. It grew and grew until he knew he had to stop. He wanted to stay away from the busy and demanding world of music. So he went to his home country before he could do damage on his reputation. He bought a house in the countryside and prepared to rest. 

No sooner had he settled in his new found property in the countryside, a new distraction by the name of Kim Junsu appeared. That time, Junsu was struggling to get a job. He didn’t know anyone and was referred to Yoochun by a friend. He said he was willing to do any job. So Yoochun hired him as a personal assistant. After that, Yoochun’s friend admitted that Junsu really wanted to work for him to get closer to the musician. It was just a very pleasant setup for Yoochun, for both of them had already been attracted to each other the minute they set eyes on each other. It was not long when they had a relationship. Yoochun could not have been luckier to have Junsu. He was caring, kind, and very loving. Yoochun always mentioned that he could not ask for anything more as long as Junsu was with him.

But Korea back then was very stifling for the young couple. Homouality was very much taboo and they found themselves being very careful and secretive. They didn’t want to be judged because of it. They knew that if the secret comes out, Yoochun’s career would be jeopardized. Yoochun himself said that he was not ashamed of loving Junsu. He could come out to the world just to admit this love. Damn his career and every one else. But Junsu knew that he did care about his career. Yoochun’s handler and friend had warned him of this too. Korea was not very tolerant of such relationships, so they kept the secret to themselves. One gossip could cost Yoochun everything that he had worked hard for. So only Yunho knew that a relationship had started between them.

Yoochun noticed that something was bothering his boyfriend a few weeks after the invitation for the performance came. He wanted to know badly what it was that was bothering him but he was afraid that Junsu would mention something about Yunho. He would kill Yunho if he takes Junsu away from him. Even if that someone had been with him for a long time. He would never allow anyone to take Junsu away from him. That was what he silently vowed before he heard Junsu speak softly.

“Yoochun-ah…” he started then stopped. A slight pause and Yoochun fought the urge to look at his boyfriend’s face. Junsu’s hesitation only served to fuel his jealousy more. It made Yoochun think that Junsu was having a hard time convincing him to leave. That pause was everything that Yoochun was afraid of.  It helped Yoochun to make his decision.

“Are you going to worry yourself to death over that question?” Yoochun asked without lifting his head. Junsu glanced at Yoochun sideways. “Don’t worry my love; I will not go to France. I won’t leave you.”

A hand tightened on Junsu’s waist. Junsu bowed his head.

“Yoochun-ah, you must go…“he started again. Yoochun felt his heart break into pieces. Why was Junsu willing to let him go when Yoochun himself couldn’t bear the thought of leaving him even for a second?

            He looked hard at Junsu, he wanted to see his lover’s face but his head was still bowed. Then Junsu got up from his lap and moved away from him. He didn’t say anything but just followed him with his eyes.

            “Why are you asking me to go? Don’t you want me to stay with you?” Yoochun masked his anger with his soft words. Junsu closed his eyes and Yoochun thought he saw a pained expression on his face. Yoochun felt a constriction near his heart.

            A sigh was heard; “I want you to stay here Yoochun…I always want to be with you.”

            ‘You’re lying! You want to be with Yunho.’ Yoochun’s mind screamed but he said nothing.

            “But Yoochun-ah, you need to go. This is your dream. You told me that. I don’t want to be a hindrance. Yunho-sshi said that he would take care of you so I’m not worried. You must go. I’ll be waiting here for you.” Junsu softly said.

            Yoochun tried to calm himself. He knew that what he was thinking couldn’t be true. But one look at Junsu’s worried frown made his doubts resurface. ‘Was he worried that he won’t be able to make me leave? Is this what they had planned behind my back?’ his mind screamed. A fresh wave of anger was building slowly in his chest. Without a warning, Yoochun shot up from his seat and took long strides; in no time at all was at Junsu’s side. He took Junsu’s shoulders and shook him hard. Junsu’s eyes showed his surprise. Yoochun’s fingers bit on his skin.

            “You want me to leave? You want me to go to France? Is that what you want Junsu? Answer me!”

            At Yoochun’s shout, Junsu flinched. He hadn’t seen this side of Yoochun before. He answered tentatively, “Y-Yes, I want you to go Yoochun-Ah! No!” he screamed.

            The sound not unlike that of a fist hitting a wall was heard through the house. All those who heard it stopped and exchanged worried glances. They knew that something bad was happening in the master’s bedroom but they dared not go in for fear of the consequences. Another crash was followed by another. The helpers couldn’t do anything but cringe. Cries of ‘Please stop!’ were heard coming form the room.  A dark foreboding was felt in the entire house.

            Junsu didn’t know when the terrifying minutes ended. Tears were streaming down his face uncontrollably. He didn’t know how he got away from Yoochun. He only knew that he was very scared. One minute Yoochun was holding his shoulders and the next thing he knew, a hand was poised in the air to hit him. He closed his eyes in reflex but he didn’t feel the stinging pain. Instead he heard Yoochun slam his fist in the wall behind him. After that, Yoochun started smashing everything in their room. He knew Yoochun did intend to hurt him but at the last minute he was able to stop himself. But it didn’t erase the fact that Yoochun had wanted to hurt him and Junsu didn’t know why. Those were the most horrifying minutes in Junsu’s life.

            With harsh breaths, Yoochun slowly felt his mind snap into reality. His gaze wandered in the room and saw what he did. Bits and pieces of broken glass were strewn on the floor. Pieces of furniture were cracked. Some were irreparable. A dull ache seemed to be coming from his hands; he looked down and saw that both of them were bloodied. But he could barely feel the pain. As if waking from a dream, Yoochun’s gaze drifted to a corner where Junsu was huddled, he was still crying. He saw that his lover was looking up at him with fearful eyes. Upon seeing that sight, his anger seemed to slowly melt away. Yoochun cursed himself softly. He didn’t want to scare Junsu.

            “Junsu-ah…I’m sorry.” Yoochun stepped forward to get to where Junsu was huddled. But the latter moved quickly away from his grasp. He stood up and moved away from him as far as possible. He was still crying.

            Yoochun tried again, “Please, Junsu…I was just angry. I’m sorry, this won’t happen again. I promise.” His voice all soft.

            “W-Why did you do that?” came Junsu’s small hoarse voice. His eyes still wary. Yoochun wanted to die right there for scaring Junsu away from him.

            He tried to explain, “I-I don’t know. I just...felt really angry. I don’t want to leave you, Junsu.” He couldn’t say that he was angry because Junsu and Yunho were having an affair behind his back. He wouldn’t tell Junsu that he knew about it. He would go on as if he didn’t know anything. That was how he loves Junsu.

He attempted to go near Junsu again this time the latter didn’t move away. Yoochun took this as a sign and reached Junsu’s side. Yoochun wiped his tears away. He could still feel Junsu flinch at his touch and a wave of disgust went through him.

            “I-I was s-so scared Yoochun. Please don’t do that again. Please…” Junsu’s voice came muffled as he snuggled into Yoochun’s shoulder.

            Junsu wanted to move away from him, he knew. This was the first time he had done this. Never had he shown anything violent towards the smaller man. Yoochun was immediately willing to make amends. He knew he would be damning himself after this but he couldn’t make his love cry again because of him. With a heavy heart, he said the words that sealed their fate.

            “I will go to France. I will play with all my heart for those people,” He looked down at the tear-stained face of his lover. Yoochun swore softly and couldn’t help but place a kiss on Junsu’s lips. “But while I play, my heart will be here with you. Remember that. You have to fulfill your promise to wait for me. Promise me?”

            Junsu nodded his head slowly and Yoochun had to suppress a sigh as he felt a kiss land on his lips again. It was the last kiss they shared before Yoochun left for France.

            In France, Yoochun gave his all; it was like what he had promised to Junsu. All his performances were praised and applauded. His stature in the music world grew. But these, Yoochun found were becoming more and more meaningless for him. Whenever he stood on stage, the minute he lifted his hand to play, all he could think of was Junsu. His playful eyes, his eager smiles, his innocent glances. Yoochun couldn’t think of anything much. His entire being just wanted to go back to Korea so he could see his love once again. He couldn’t wait to have Junsu in his arms again.

            The time when he was about to go home, Yoochun felt so happy that he even threw a party to some of his friends and acquaintances. They all saw his excitement to go back to his home country. They all thought that a beautiful woman was waiting for him there. When they asked when he would show her off, he just laughed merrily while downing a glass of the finest champagne. They wouldn’t know that it was not a woman but a man with the most loving character was waiting for him. It was something he was sure that these people didn’t have to go home to. Yoochun felt all the more fortunate and very eager to sail home.

            The moment he stepped into their house in Korea, he immediately looked for that familiar face. The face that lit his dark nights and turned his days into wonderful images of happiness. He was expecting that Junsu would be waiting for him like he promised. But he didn’t see him. A few helpers were around and he asked the whereabouts of Junsu. All of them looked scared as they stuttered a reply. Their answers didn’t match with each other. That was when Yoochun felt something was definitely amiss.

            He went another part of their house, to where their bedroom was. With much force, he opened the door but found it empty. A loud thumping from his heart registered in his brain. He slowly went to their wardrobe and found it empty save for his own clothing. Blood rushed to his head as he frantically searched for all of Junsu’s things. All he saw was complete nothingness. Yunho chose that time to come in the room. He found Yoochun staring stupidly at an empty set of drawers.

            “What are you doing Yoochun-ah? Where is Junsu-sshi?”

            Yoochun turned to him and Yunho was surprised at the intensity he saw there. It was something Yunho hadn’t seen before. It was like looking at another person entirely. Even his voice when he spoke was different.

            “You tell me Yunho. Where is Junsu? Did you tell him to leave the house the moment I sailed off for France?”

            “What are you talking about? I don’t know where he is-“Yunho started to back away as Yoochun menacingly glared at him.

            “The hell you don’t! I saw you with him that night. I saw the two of you talking. I know you had a plan to take him away from me. Admit it!” Yoochun made a grab for Yunho but the latter was very quick, he ducked and was able to move away from Yoochun’s grasp.

            “I-I don’t know what you’re talking about! What is this about a plan? I don’t know anything about it.” Yunho babbled.

            Yoochun still moved forward until he had Yunho cornered. “You’re a liar! You want Junsu for yourself. The minute I turned my back you convinced him to go away. Tell me it’s true!” Yoochun’s anger was building as he shouted the words.

            A short sarcastic laugh was heard from Yunho, “So what if that’s true? It’s not as if he was something to look at. He was just a poor boy you picked and decided you fancy. You’ll see someone else. Go find yourself another boy .”

            A fist connected with Yunho’s jaw. Another blow was dealt but Yunho was able to duck. He twisted to get away from where he was cornered. Yoochun grabbed him by an arm to turn him again and a hard blow landed on Yunho’s stomach. Yunho doubled over in pain. Yoochun continued his attack and set another jab on Yunho’s left cheek. That sent the man on the floor. Yunho’s shock was evident on his face as he looked at Yoochun. The man was breathing harshly, the blood lust still in his eyes.

            “Don’t say that about Junsu, you hear me! I love him! Now-“Yoochun proceeded to grab Yunho by the collar, “-where is he?”

            “I-I will tell you! I’ll talk! Just don’t hit me again!”

            Yoochun let go of him and watched with labored breathing as Yunho pulled a crumpled letter from his jacket pocket. He handed Yoochun the envelope. He hurriedly ripped the paper and saw music sheets inside. As he scanned the contents, Yoochun noticed that this was the song he was working on the night before he left for France. He hadn’t finished it because he didn’t have the time, but in the music sheet, the whole song was written down. Junsu finished their song. Yoochun’s eyes started to blur with tears of despair. ‘Where are you?’ his mind asked. Yoochun stared at Yunho who was still catching his breath on the floor.

            “How did you get this? Did he give this to you?” Yoochun hurriedly asked.

            “I’m sorry Yoochun-ah. I knew that he would never forgive me if you didn’t go to France. I told him that night before you left that it was important for your career. He was very willing to help me convince you to leave.” Yunho explained.

            “I know, he really wanted me to go.”

            “That was why he said that he would wait for you. I don’t know what happened to him. After handing me that song he finished, he went away. I stopped him but of course he was very adamant to leave.” Yunho was sitting up now, his profile to Yoochun.

            “Why did he leave?” the question was asked softly as if he was afraid of learning the reason.

            “I’m sorry Yoochun-ah. But after I asked some people of his whereabouts, I found him in a man’s house. It seemed that he was very close with that person. I didn’t manage to ask him why he left but I guess that was reason enough. He found another lover. I didn’t tell you because I know you’ll be distracted from the performance-” Yunho saw Yoochun’s pained expression. Anguish was clearly written on his face.

            “No! He loves me. He does Yunho! I don’t believe that he has another lover. I just don’t believe it!” His mind was screaming that it was not true. But why did Junsu leave after he did? He promised that he would wait. He could never back away from his promise, couldn’t he? It was very impossible in Yoochun’s mind but the facts said otherwise. He knew he had to know the truth.

            “There’s more Yoochun-ah. I know you’ll be surprised but I think you have to know if you plan to go and look for him. You won’t see him anymore.”

            Yoochun sharply turned to Yunho, “What do you mean? Did something happen to him?”

            “He’s gone Yoochun. Shortly after he moved away and lived with another man, he died in a street fight. It was an unfortunate event. He was at the wrong place at the wrong time. Before anything could be done, he was gone. I’m truly sorry Yoochun-ah.”

            Yoochun didn’t know what to feel after that last information was given to him. How did this happen? Why did he have to leave in the first place? How can their love be as weak as this? Yoochun was so sure that Junsu loved him. He was so sure that he was Junsu’s life. How can a mere grasp of a dream cost him this much? Yoochun felt his heart aching from his loss. He wasn’t aware that he had started crying. His eyes blurred with his tears. With a choked sob, he remembered everything that he had shared with Junsu. Every time that they spent together was priceless to him. But in a blink of an eye, they were all gone. Who was he kidding? He had nothing now. He lost a dream, he lost a love, he lost everything. He knew that he would never forgive Junsu for running off with another man. But what he was also sure of was until now, as his heart was breaking into pieces with Junsu’s betrayal, he still loved Junsu. Yoochun was now sobbing loudly, tears flowed freely as he cried his sadness. He knew he would always love Kim Junsu. He would always will. Nothing could change that.

A few days after Park Yoochun came home from France, he was found lifeless in his house. A letter was left on his bedside table. It was a love poem. A poem full of his anguish and yearning for his lost love. It was a poem of promise that he would eventually find a way for them to be together again. That was the poem that Junsu read from a piece of paper that landed at his feet the day he attempted to leave.

***

            Junsu wasn’t aware that he was crying as he saw Yoochun’s lifeless body from his memory. His eyes never once shifted from the apparition before him. The moment he saw the events unfold before his eyes; his heart recognized Yoochun’s love. He had lived that life before. He was sure of it. What he felt for Yoochun at that time in the past resurfaced. Opening his heart with an overflowing of emotions. Once again, he felt the worry he had felt when Yoochun decided against going to the performance. Once again, he experienced the happiness he felt whenever he was with Yoochun. And once again, he experienced the love that they shared together. Junsu was so overwhelmed with emotions that he didn’t notice Yoochun move towards him. He looked up into his teary eyes and saw that their love for each other was still there. He was true to his word; he still loved Junsu until now. Yoochun smiled a little as he looked down on his lover. He knew that Junsu remembered the life they had before.

            “Junsu-ah…I am still here to love you. I promised you that will be together again. I don’t care if you don’t love me enough. My love for you will be enough for us. I love you.” Yoochun’s soft words were laced with sincerity. Junsu knew that he was telling the truth. His heart knew that Yoochun indeed loved him still. Because of that, a yearning as deep as their sadness appeared in Junsu’s heart. He willingly submitted to the feelings crashing in his chest and smiled radiantly at Yoochun.

            “I love you too, Yoochun-ah.” Junsu said. His heart full of emotions for this man.

            With their hearts once again attuned to each other’s music, the lovers made another promise with a kiss. It was a kiss that was bittersweet and tender. A kiss to soothe hurting hearts and confused emotions. With that single kiss, Yoochun again tasted the fleeting happiness that was snatched away from him in his previous life. With that kiss, Junsu relived how he was cherished and loved by this man. They were again whole after a long time.  

            In the midst of all the seemingly perfect reunion of lost lovers came a voice so strong. It was enough to bolt Junsu out of the bliss he was feeling. He knew that voice. It was Yunho.