People around me see me as weird and a dark person, or they just tell me that I’m emo person, but I’m not. In every strident word they say about me, is every slit I make in my body. People would always say “Why can’t she wear long sleeves?” “She really have the guts to show it us, it’s so disgusting” “Do you know why she does that stupid thing? It’s because she can’t accept the fact that she is just a mistress” “She’s a man stealer?” after they said it a loud, in back, they laugh at me, and every time I turn around, they just shut their mouth, pity look on their eyes and walk away.

I was so madly in love with him, that I didn’t knew that he is already a married man, I didn’t know that until my friends informed me that they saw him with another girl and a young girl. “Dara!!” a boy shouting outside my unit, “Open this d*mn door Dara!” he continued, I immediately open it and asked him “What brings you here, Seunghyun?” he heaved a sigh before he answer “Where is Ji Yong?” se asked, “He’s on a business trip in Japan” I confidently say, I noticed that he crossed his hands and she said “Are you sure he’s on that freakin’ business trip?” I nod and again he heaved a sigh, he gave me a piece of paper “Go there tonight and you’ll see what I’m implying to” and he left me reading the paper.

I obediently follow what he said, I was wearing a Tee and Jeans and a pair of sneakers.  After 10 minutes of waiting for the answer, I saw him walking on the streets, a wide curve formed in my lips and was about to call him when I heard a little voice shouting “Appa!!” I look at the direction where the little voice coming, I saw a little girl running towards, him. It feels like a sharp knife stabbed me, when I saw him turn around, smile and lift the little girl, kissed the woman so intimately. I didn’t realize that I am already crying, I cover my mouth and walk away.

Back in my unit, I was just staring blankly to nothing, sitting on the floor and leaning on the wall. How many hours that I was like that, no actually how many days, I’ve been like that for 3 days, no eating and no drinking of anything. I felt numbness in my body. My phone rings that snapped me back in reality, I checked the caller and it was him, I answered it nonchalance “Yobo-seyo?”

“Jagiya, I’m sorry, my business trip got extended, I’ll be back next week”

Then I remember the scenes where he lift the little girl and kissed the woman intimately.

“It’s okay jagiya, be sure you enjoyed it”

“eh? U-uhm, o-of course I will, since this is an opportunity for me coming here in japan”

“that’s good to hear. So see you next week then Jagiya?”

“Yes, of course! I miss you and I love you”

As soon as I heard that words, the pain I feel is like someone pricked my heart.

“I love you too, Jagiya” I hanged up.

It was then, I started to clean and put his things to a box. Then I saw our picture, placed in a beautiful frame, I smiled with bitter on it. Then anger comes, that I suddenly throw it with force. I heard the glass break into pieces, and hurriedly run towards on it, I was about to get our picture together when I stung myself, it didn’t feel pain.

It was then the start hurting myself. Every time a drop a glass, my instinct tells me to clean it but in the end I’ll pick up a sharp piece and starting to slit it to my arms. It feels so great; I forget the fact that he is just using me.

He came back without me knowing it, he saw me slitting myself, “Dara-ah!! What are you doing!!?” he shouts as he run towards on me taking away the sharp piece I’m holding, getting his handkerchief to place it on my bleeding arms. I looked at him, plastered a smile on my face “Jagiya, welcome back!” I said, “what are you doing? Why our place is a mess?” he asked, I looked at him with disbelief “O-our place you say?” I stood up and walk away from him “You… you’re just using me!” I shout “what are you talking about jagiya?

“Don’t play around me Ji Yong”

“Tell me what’s the problem… don’t be like this you’re scaring me”

“You’ve been using me, you were married and you have already a little girl. I saw you kissed your wife so intimately right through my own eyes Ji Yong, why? You’ve been using me, tell me, am I just a toy who you can just play around when you are bored on something? Am I?”

He was stunned, before he can utter a word, I picked up a little sharp piece from a broken vase, slitting it on my arms, I was crying so hard, that I can’t feel the pain the he’s giving but feeling the pain on the slit I’m doing. “Stop… yes, you are right, you’re implying that I’m jerk, then yes, but I do love you” I looking at him, pity look on his eyes, I drop the sharp piece, blood keeps on flowing “Stop ji, you’re hurting me so much, the last thing you could do is, go and leave me…”

Fell down while he’s holding my hands that he slowly letting go, but before he could let go of me he tighten it, kneels down, and gave me a kiss that I didn’t response.

Rumors and harsh words started to spread. It motivates me to still harm myself, just not feel the pain that they are giving to me. The worst thing I’ve done to myself was, banging my head to a concrete wall, because of the memories I have with him, I banged my head that I collapse luckily Seunghyun found me, almost swimming in my blood.

Depression in deed was the reason why I am like this. But it didn’t stop me on hurting myself intentionally. I want to feel more pain from my body than feeling the pain emotionally. Seunghyun started to look after me. He was worried at me, that I could done another harm to myself, he put away all the fragile and glass things to me. “Dara, stop it, please… I’m begging you” he said to me, but I just looked at him.

It’s raining and Seunghyun is out to buy foods, I am looking outside the window when my I see a frame, broken frame, I am so curious about it. I decided to go and look for it. The rain started to pour so heavily, I search for it not minding the sharp pieces stung on my hands. I didn’t realize that I am already crying. I picked up the frame with a picture of me and him.

I am running under the strong rain, that I regret on not bringing an umbrella. I bought some ramyun for me and for Dara for some heat since she doesn’t have any hot choco or something. It was so dark already and thunders are so loud. As soon as I reach Dara’s unit, the feeling is so gloomy, not because of the weather but the aura of Dara’s unit releasing, I run towards and open the door, to my shock, the body of Dara swimming on her own blood welcomed me. “Daraaaaaaaaaa!!” I shout. Then I see a stab right through her heart. I looked around and I see the broken frame. “Why do you love him so much Dara?” I cried while looking at her “Dara, is this what you really want? then I have nothing to do with it. Just be happy up there, and I’ll assure you that he’ll be regretting all the bad things he did to you but I am so sorry for not protecting you when you needed it, but I hope you still hear these words, I love you, and it pains me seeing you in pain because of that man. I am sorry for not saying this but I am not brave enough to confess because you were madly in love with him” I hugged her so tight then I looked at her face once again then I notice a tear, I smiled.

“Thank you for listening to my heart Dara….”