June 2011

It had been a long time since I had felt miserable. Being around Chanyeol almost constantly for ten months had made me become a genuinely happy person. I felt like I had more emotions, and I didn’t force them out any longer. For the first time in a long time, I was feeling alright. However, good things don’t last. I was a firm believer in that.

My mother had been feeling weak and unable to do her everyday activities. So she had gone to the doctor where she was diagnosed with stage four cancer. As much as I had began to despise my mother, the news shattered my heart into a million pieces. I was surrounding myself around Chanyeol so much that I had barely noticed that her skin was beginning to turn grey and her clothes fit loosely around her body.

However, my mother laid at home every single day, dying and becoming more weak with each passing moment, and my father had yet to visit her once. The chemo was taking a severe toll on her body, and he would simply glance in the other direction. It made me angry, so angry that one night at dinner, I just snapped. Chanyeol was visiting my mother, well mainly me, but he was being my rock. So that night we had a nice dinner, but my father once again refused to acknowledge her existence and it frustrated me to my breaking point.

“You know mom still exists right? She’s not dead yet,” I muttered, aware that this would cause a fight.

“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol warned. I didn’t care at that point. I was upset and my father needed to be aware that I was done playing his childish game.

“No, Chanyeol. He needs to know,” My voice broke. Tears were beginning to flow in my eyes and my face flushed, feeling hot.

“I’d rather forget that she exists than relive the past twenty years of pain that she’s put me through.” My father grumbled under his breath.

“As I recall, you’re the one who said ‘until death do us part’. She’s not dead yet.” I hissed.

“That was before she became a .”

I stood up and reached across the table and smacked him straight across the face. I don’t remember anything else from that night.

I woke up the next morning, my head pounding so hard I thought that it would explode. The curtains in my room were closed shut and I wondered who had closed them, but after suddenly hearing a delicate snore, I knew who exactly did it.

The sleeping giant was spread across the little loveseat underneath my window. No pillows or blankets, just awkwardly spread across, his limbs not fitting on any part of it. He looked almost childlike in his sleep. His facial features were soft and delicate, relaxed even. I didn’t want to disturb him, but my shuffling in the bed stirred him awake.

“Good morning.” I weakly smiled.

“Oh, hello,” He replied, his voice still full of sleep.

“What happened last night?” I asked him as he sat himself up on the couch.

“Well, you smarted off to Minsoo and he knocked you out…” His voice trailed off.

“Well, that explains the killer headache.” I groaned.

I threw the brown comforter off of my legs and slid out of the bed. "C'mon, Yeol. Let's go check on mom." Without looking back, I knew that Chanyeol was behind me. His heavy footsteps stomped behind mine. I quickly knocked on the door of my parent's room, well, my mom's room because my father had chosen to ignore her entirely.

"Mom?" I whispered. No response. I turned around to look at Chanyeol who simply used a shrug as a response.  I shoved the door open, hoping with every fiber in my body that she was still alive. The room was pitch black, with the only light being her heart rate monitor, which was still going up and down. I sighed in relief. I felt my way in the darkness for one of the chairs next to her bed. Just as I sat down, my mother began to stir.

“Baekhyun?” Her hoarse voice croaked.

“I’m here, mama.” I cooed, noticing Chanyeol now beside me.

“I’m so sorry,” her voice was breathy, it was almost too difficult for her to speak.

“Mom, stop. There’s nothing to be sorry for.”

“But…there is.”

“No.”

“I was…never there for you.”

“Mom.”

“I was so selfish…”

“Please stop.” I whined

“Baekhyun…”

“Yes?” I swallowed.

“I love you.”

“I love you too, mom.” I took her hand into mine. Her hand felt like ice in comparison to mine. She reached over with her free hand to the table with all of her medicines and grabbed a small orange bottle with her shaky hand.

“Need help?” Chanyeol chimed.

“If you,” Was all she spoke before Chanyeol was gently removing the pill bottle out of her hand.

“How many?” He turned to me.

“Just one. They make her kind of...um… Out of it...” He [laced the tiny capsule in her hand and she immediately placed it in and swallowed, no liquid to ease it down. We sat in silence, waiting for her pain to subside slightly, so we could have a legitimate conversation with her. A few minutes of relaxed silence pass before another word is spoken.

“Baekhyun?” Her hoarse voice echoed through the room.

“Yes mom?”

“What would you do if your face was made of jello?” She started to giggle as soon as the words escaped her lips.

“W-what?” I was puzzled by the suddenness of her comment.

“Would you try to eat your face if it were made of jello?”

“What kind of question is that?” I pondered.

“I’m serious. If-” She paused “If my face were made of jello, I would...Probably put fruit in it and...and eat it.” She was panting by the end of the sentence.

“Mom, I think you need to sleep,” I sighed. “It’s a side effect of the meds,” I elaborated to Chanyeol. He nodded in response, not verbalizing. I quickly walked over to the other side of her bed and found her sleeping pills. I popped the bottle open and handed her a little blue pill.

“What’s this?” She looked up at me, puzzled.

“It’s your sleeping pill.”

“Oh okay. That sounds lovely dear.” She dozed back off just as quickly as she woke up. Chanyeol and I left her room so she could get rest.

Later that evening, her heart rate monitor stopped beeping. Chanyeol hadn’t left yet when it happened. He was still there, I like to think because he was afraid something bad was going to happen if he left. Which is understandable, due to the fact that once we discovered that my mom had passed on, my father was unusually harsh towards me. His thoughts had become words used to stab a dagger straight through my heart.

“It’s not my fault that she became a , son.” He cooed under his breath the night before her funeral. Chanyeol had gone home, needing a break from my father. I couldn’t blame him. I needed a break too, but if I left too, my mother wouldn’t have had a funeral.

“Let me guess, it’s not your fault that you’ve become a complete either?” I stood up and slammed my chair against the table. I hadn’t touched my food, my appetite had been almost nothing, decreasing every day we got closer to the funeral.. The only reason I still had food in my system was because Chanyeol would shove it down my throat if I didn’t eat.

“Baekhyun, please.”

“No. I’m done with your bull, Minsoo.” I paused on his name, adding emphasis on the fact that I didn’t want to call him my father. “You haven’t done a single thing for me in years. Now all you’re doing is bullying me. After tomorrow, I want nothing to do with you. I’m completely disappointed in the person you’ve become.” I walked away before he had the chance to respond. I ran upstairs to my bedroom and grabbed a handful of my clothes from my dresser and shoved them into my school bag.

I hadn’t thought about a place for me to go, so my first instinct was Chanyeol. I grabbed my cellphone from the top of my dresser and dialed his number.

“Baekhyun? Is everything alright?” His husky voice was filled with concern.

“I-I need a place to go… Can I come over?” My voice was small.

“Yes, of course. What happened? Are you okay? Did your father hit you again? So help me-”

“Chanyeol, I’m fine. I just let him have a piece of my mind and I want to leave… I can’t deal with him tonight, especially the night before mom’s funeral. I can’t, Yeol. I just can’t.” My voice cracked.

“Do you want me to come get you?” I nodded, but then quickly realized he couldn’t see me.

“Please.”

“I’ll be there in five.” The other end of the line clicked. I threw more things into my bag, not sure of how much more would fit. Once I tried to zip it, it wouldn’t close completely so I threw some shirts out of it and exited my bedroom. My father was standing outside of my door, waiting for me. I refused to acknowledge his existence, just as he did to my mother.

“Baekhyun,”

“Oh I wonder if it’s the voice of the person who no longer exists to me,” I toyed aloud.

“You aren’t leaving this house.” My father hissed.

“Watch me.” I said as I slammed the front door shut behind me.

“BYUN BAEKHYUN GET BACK HERE NOW!” He screamed. By the time he had reached the front door, I was already to the gate where Chanyeol’s car was parked. Without saying another word to him, I hopped into his car and told Chanyeol to speed off.

The ride to Chanyeol’s house was in complete silence, minus the car’s squealing brakes. When we got to his house, the lights were all off except Chanyeol’s bedroom light which was shining brightly into the night.

I was still shaking, afraid that he would find me and be angry with me. I hated the fact that I was a constant disappointment to him. Nothing I ever did seemed to be right for him. The gifts that I got him, nor my grades in school. Nothing was ever good enough. I guess I was raised to become nothing more than a significant disappointment.

“Baek, what are you thinking about? Your face… so angry…” Chanyeol spoke softly, as if to not startle me.

“I’m just so flabbergasted by this entire situation. First mom becoming sick, then Minsoo acting like she doesn’t exist, then her passing away…” My voice faded. “Now he’s acting so...childish.”

Chanyeol didn’t say anything in response. He just put a sympathetic face on and tried his best to comfort me, which wasn’t an easy task. I recoiled from every friendly gesture he tried. Once I was calm enough, we left his car and headed upstairs to his room.

Chanyeol slept on a twin size bed, which amazed me because of how tall he was. I guess since he slept in the fetal position, the length of his legs truly didn’t matter, but it was still a surprise. His room was small, compared to mine. His room was cramped, with barely a walkway through the middle of the mountain of clothes. The walls were a royal blue, and I liked it because it was different than the plain walls at my house.

“You can have the bed if you want.” Chanyeol smiled at me.

“I’m not going to take your bed. I’ll just sleep on the floor.”

“You’re the guest, you get the bed.” He countered.

“I’ll be fine on the floor, I promise.” I faked a smile.

“I’m not sleeping on the bed, so if you choose to sleep on the floor. I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight.” He said, trying to guilt me into sleeping on his bed.

“Why are you so stubborn?” I asked.

“Why can’t you just be grateful?”

“I am. I’m grateful that you’re giving me a place to stay tonight, that’s far more than I should have asked of you.”

“Look at humble the Baekhyun. I’m going to sleep now. You’re still welcome to the bed.” His voice was tired. I couldn’t blame him. I had to be up early, and so did he since he said he would be at the funeral to help me, but I wasn’t tired. I curled up on the floor, trying to be as small of a problem as possible. Chanyeol placed himself parallel to his bed and snatched the blanket off of it and curled up on the floor.

I didn’t move from my spot until I heard Chanyeol’s soft snores from across the room. Only then did I flip over onto my otherside. My heart was heavy and full of pain. I started to think about everything that I had lost. My mother was the main reason for my depression when I was younger, but I never thought for one second that I would lose her. Even though I despised her with everything I had, I still, deep down had a compassionate love for her. I was determined to not cry at her funeral, but in order to keep my composure, I would have to cry at some point prior, and the thought of burying her, made me break down.

A single broken sob escaped from my chest. Too loud, Baekhyun. Before I could get myself under control, Chanyeol was wide awake, and scooping me up in his arms. He didn’t say anything, he simply held me in his arms, waiting for me to stop crying. I was honestly embarrassed by the fact someone was seeing me cry, even if it was my best friend.

“Hey, don’t cry, Baek. It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay. Everything will be okay.” He mumbled into my neck. That only made me cry even more. Chanyeol gently pulled us both down so we were laying down facing each other. He pulled me closer, so I was tucked in, against his chest. His long arm wrapped around me and it actually felt somewhat comforting. At some point, I became too tired to cry and fell asleep under Chanyeol’s protection.

The next morning it was hard for me to wake up. The alarm on my phone started blaring, but I was too content to get up and shut it off. I slowly opened my eyes as soon as my phone went automatically into snooze mode. I was still wrapped under Chanyeol’s arm, and he was still deep in sleep.

“Chanyeol? We need to wake up.” He stirred but never let his arm off of me. “Chanyeol…” I nudged him slightly and he startled himself awake.

“Baekhyun? Are you okay?” He sat up quickly.

“Yeah? I’m okay now. It’s almost time to go.” I said grimly.

He slowly pulled himself to his feet and I stood up right after him. I found my bag and pulled the clothes I was planning to wear.

“I’ll give you some privacy, let me know when you’re changed.” He stammered.

“You’re fi-gone.” I was going to tell him that he didn’t need to leave the room, but as I was speaking, he disappeared. I quickly got myself dressed. I left the tie and jacket off for now, not wanting Chanyeol to feel banned from his own bedroom. I stuck my head out of his door to find him leaning against the wall of the hallway, his eyes glued to his phone.

I cleared my throat before saying, “Chanyeol? I’m dressed.” I was trying to not stutter, however, I was not ready for this day. “I’m gonna go and fix my hair or something.” I pushed my way out of his room, barely brushing against him before sneaking my way into the bathroom. By the time I had shut the door, I realized that I didn’t have my comb with me.

I’ll just use Chanyeol’s. I quickly combed through my hair and within seconds Chanyeol’s on the other side of the door, softly knocking.

“Baekhyun? It’s time to go.” His voice sounded grave. Neither of us wanted to face this day. Chanyeol had sat next to me every single day for the last days of my mother’s life. He was there for me, even though I had felt so alone. I knew he didn’t want things to end this way, but I believed that everything happened for a reason. Fate was going to have it whether it was the thing that was right or not. Fate is blind to the desires of humans.

“Okay,” I sighed. “I’m coming.”

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“And a few words from MiKyong’s youngest son, Baekhyun.”

I stood up with shaky legs, not entirely sure if I could make it through this eulogy without sobbing or wanting to stab my father for fake crying to gain loads of sympathy. I reached the podium without tripping and I looked out into the audience and saw very few faces that I recognized. There were some family members that had remained distant and their faces were extremely vague in my memory. However, most of the people were unknown and unfamiliar faces. This had honestly bothered me. I wondered how many of them she had been with, out partying or doing other illicit activities while she should have been with me.

I looked down at the crumbled piece of paper that rested in the grips of my shaky, sweaty fingertips. My chicken-scratch for handwriting had become almost illegible due to the fact I wrote lightly, and in pencil. I was honestly surprised I could still read any of the words.

“H-hello everybody.” I stammered. I looked down at Chanyeol who was forcing a smile on his face, encouraging me to continue on. “My mother was Byun Mikyong.” I stated. I felt every thought process slowly drift away. “I-I honestly don’t know why she kept her last name the same as mine. My father hated her and she was never home during the entirety of my childhood.” A gasp from the entire audience brought me back to my senses, but I felt in that very moment that people should know the truth about my mother.

“My mother was never there for me as a kid. Nor was my father. They were always off doing their own separate things while I was left with my older brother who was forced to raise me.I don’t even see Baekbeom here today, if that gives you an inkling of the situation. According to my father, she was always out with other men while he worked hard to make his money. However, it’s hard to believe that someone who sobs so hard today,” I paused briefly to look down him, his cheeks were flushed and his eyes looked like they were going to explode right out of his head if I continued speaking. “Wouldn’t even acknowledge the existence of his dying wife just three days ago.”

The entire congregation of people had become outraged. I never found out if it was at me or if their anger was directed at my father. Chanyeol had drug me away from the situation before it could get any worse.

“What were you thinking, Baekhyun?!” Chanyeol shouted at me.

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t going to stand there and pretend that my mother was the greatest person that walked this planet. I couldn’t do it!” I refuted.

“You could have at least tried.” He scolded.

“I tried for nineteen years to think that she was the greatest person ever. I idolized her, and now I see how pathetic things truly were around the house hold. I’m surprised that I made it out alive.”

“You may not yet, your father is going to kill you.” Chanyeol said, finally starting to calm down.

“I’m so sorry.” I blubbered. Chanyeol pulled me into his lanky arms, wrapping them around my shoulders, hugging me tight against his chest where I cried, releasing all of my pent up emotions. The fear, the anger, the sadness, the love, everything came pouring out of me in that very moment.

“Shh. It’s okay.” Chanyeol would murmur every now and then, hoping I would calm down. Once the sun began to set into the West, I finally pulled myself out of his arms and looked at him.

“Are you okay?” He asked. I could tell he was concerned. Chanyeol was almost more of a mother to me than my own mother ever was. I nodded and asked Chanyeol to take me home. It had started to rain on the ride home.

How fitting. The gloomy skies represented my mood well. I did not want to return to that hell-hole I called home. I knew I was going to be in trouble. Chanyeol pulled into the driveway and I thanked him graciously. I entered the front door and the odor of alcohol was thick in the air.

“B-baekh? Is that you??” I heard my father’s stammering coming from the kitchen.

“Oh my god.” I groaned. On top of everything else, he was now completely drunk. I wasn’t sure how much more of this I could take before I exploded. I heard his heavy footsteps begin to head in my direction.

“Baek, we need to talk,” He finally came into view and I could see how bad the situation really was. His tie was hanging loosely from his neck and his eyes were squinted shut.

“Why don’t we talk in the morning when you’re sober?” I started to walk in his direction before he stopped me.

“Why did you single me out?” His voice had become fierce and full of anger, no hint of alcohol was remaining in his system.

“Because you deserved it.” I hissed.

“Wh-what did I do to you?” His words were starting to slur once more.

“Everything!” I shouted. I was not about to get into this discussion while he was this intoxicated. I turned away, unable to look this man in the eyes. I heard something metal click, but didn’t think anything of it until I felt a strip of leather smack against my back. I instantly turned around, with wild eyes and faced him.

“What are you doing?!”

“Teaching you a lesson, son.” He groaned, pulling his arm back to swing once again. This time I duck down, avoiding the hit. Minsoo seemed disoriented after that swing, so taking the only opportunity I saw, I launched myself at him and knocked him down to the floor.

“Baekhyun! I am your father. I demand your respect-uh.” Minsoo grunted from underneath me.

“You’re nothing to me.” I said, snatching the belt out of his hand. I swung it back and he flinched. “I’m not going to hit you. Just let me leave, and stay out of my life, got it?” I got off of him and stomped to my room, grabbing the rest of my belongings. I had nowhere to go, but I needed to leave. There was no way I could stay there without killing him.

Once my last bag was packed, I threw the straps over my shoulder and slammed my door shut behind me. In the living room, I find him curled up on the floor, in the fetal position, sobbing my name.

“Baekhyun...Baekhyun please… I can’t lose you too,” His voice sounded shattered, almost as though he was devastated and carried other emotions besides hate.

“I’m leaving, Minsoo.” I rasped.

“Please...don’t.” He cried, at my feet.

“There is absolutely nothing here for me anymore. Mom’s dead, you’re an , and I’m depressed. Tell me why I should stay? Baekbeom got out, why can’t I?”

“Please…”

“No. I’m leaving, and I’m not coming back.” His face turned sour.

“Fine! Go! I don’t want you here! You remind me of her, the ! I can’t stand you!” He shouted. A single tear fell down my cheek and I left the house, vowing to never return.

It was pouring outside, yet somehow I felt at peace. I was instantly drenched, but I felt better about everything. I felt free, happy even. I didn’t know where I was walking, or even if I had a destination set in my mind. Somehow, my subconscious knew exactly where I was longing to be, because before I had even realized it, I was standing on Chanyeol’s doorstep soaking wet. I pushed the doorbell and waited for someone to answer. The front door swung open instantly and I was greeted with Chanyeol’s worrisome face.

“Baekhyun? Is everything alright?”

“I have nowhere to go...I-I left and he doesn’t want me there anymore.” I finally let reality set it in. I started crying in front of Chanyeol, no longer being shamed by my tears. He pulled me into his arms and I felt safe once again.