A normal night that we stay at home instead of dating out, we enjoy staying at home, just cuddling together, watching the same-old TV dramas. I kinda enjoy this more than dating out, without people looking at us. Maybe I am still not ready. Maybe my heart is still on hiatus. Me and her in the house, doesn’t it sound better? Sohyun is always the sweet girl while I am always the chic one. I do not like expressing myself but I love to receive emotions from other people. This is weird right? Maybe this is a kind of protection, a mechanism to keep myself stay away from getting hurt. I try to stay cool to everything, even to relationships. Maybe this is also the reason why people always misunderstand me. They think I am a player, playing with my girlfriend’s heart. Still, I do not express my feelings.

The TV drama is showing a couple crying together, confessing their feelings after they broke up for three years. Sharing a tight hug, the couple shares a deep and long kiss, under the rain. Suddenly, I can feel the grip on my waist tightening. She leans closer, burying her face into my neck. I cannot help but smile. Without words, I love body language, showing all your feelings. It warms your heart when you feel her touch on your skin. It just feels good. “It is sad. They didn’t know that they love each other until now.” Sohyun said with sadness. I chuckle at her statement silently. She is so cute with this. Sometimes she acts like a kid to me, sweet and cute. Sometimes she acts extremely mature that I cannot understand what happened to her before. We do not really share our stories. We just clicked in and get together until now.

“I love you.” Her breath hits my neck. Her words hit my head, my heart. We have been dating for three months and this is definitely not the first time she said it. But still, I panicked. It is like a strike hitting my head, my heart. Every organ in my body goes mad, not functioning well. A hit flow runs through my body, from the bottom to my head, exploding right there. I can feel the heat on my face but not redden it. The explosion in my head is like having thousands of needles entering in and out, uncomfortable and feel like pins and needles. Or to be exactly, it feels like having millions of ants running inside your brain, nibbling it until your death. It scares me. And my heart. My heart beat flies high as if I am gonna have a heart attack. It bounces loud and powerful, never stops. It is telling you that you are having a problem with it. The whole body is burning as hell. Every single place on your body feels like on fire already yet my face is still not reddened. 10 seconds pass but it feels like an hour already. Just 10 seconds can kill me and another question is chasing after me: How should I reply? Once again, to think about this question, everything just happened to my body repeats again. My head is fills with the ants and needles, feels like a balloon filled with too much air in it, waiting to explode. The heart overworks that it might stop any second. Emotions are coming after me again and again just like a tsunami, a billow following another billow, hitting my mind. “What should I do? Smile? Just laugh off? Say it back?” Questions pop up in the sea, flooding me with the waves, slapping my face mentally. “No…I can’t say it back. I never can.” My heart sinks for a second. The world stops for a second, so are my organs. Smiles on my face freeze for 20 seconds already. Another 10 seconds are coming. Slowly, I bring my arms to hug her. Leaning close to place a kiss on her forehead, I make the kiss long enough to let her understand that it is my answer. My heart is still racing fast. Floods in my mind finally get settled down. I can feel on my neck curling up to form a smile, even a grin. Once, she tightens her grip on my waist.

The TV drama finally comes to an end, yet my emotional strike is not done here. Those three words linger in my mind. Every time I recall those words, like breeze chills my bone. Not that I hate those words, I just cannot say it back. Those words are like commitments. Commitments are huge when you are in a relationship. Commitments are hopes. Once hopes are broken, your heart breaks along with it. I once gave out hopes and simply took them back and broke them in front of the one I cared about. The sadness came after the broken commitments I could see on her face is unbearable. Another TV drama is up now. I am still in my world, my explosion world. I can still feel Sohyun’s hug on my body. She laughs at the comedy drama, mumbling at those funny scenes. To be quite honest, any of her words does not stay in my mind. They only enter and go pass by. I do not even know what she is talking about except hearing her typical adorable laughing voice. “I love you.” Those three words are played again in my mind. This time, my breath stops. I force myself to take a deep breath. My shaking hand reaches out to grab the water bottle. Since when turning the bottle cover becomes a mission impossible to me? Finally, I manage to open it and pour the water to calm myself down. “You seem so thirsty.” She chuckles at my action, quickly shifts back at the television screen. Before I could answer, she focuses back on the show and actually I am thankful for this since I do not know how to answer to that simple question.

While she is having fun about the show, my mind drives back to the day I became single. On that day, I broke up with my ex, saying that I could not love her ‘cause I am stressed. What a lame excuse. My ex used to say those words often to me and my anxiety never ended. I hated it. It killed me inside while I had to pretend nothing happened. I do not hate those words. I hate myself not able to say it back. “Please don’t say you love me, ‘cause…I...can’t say it out. It pressured me. I can’t love you. It’s not…love…” Still I cannot believe that those words were literally from my mouth and my useless brain. I love you leads other to another level in their relationships, so did I, only mine went to the end of our relationship. Those three words are heavy words and heavy words are hard to take, too hard that I cannot bear. Too hard that they almost suffocate me, I cannot help but leave those words behind, also my previous relationship.

One day, Sohyun and I chatted about our future, imagining if we have babies in the text messages. Everything went well until she sent me a text with those three words. That was the first time I saw those three words from her. All those old memories with me and my ex came out, rushed into my mind. My feets on the floor fade, my hands with the phone soften, my heart stop function and my brain…my brain overload that brings me dizziness. The words took my smiles away, took my breath away. My vision lost focus, just staring at the screen without point. Tik tok, a half minute passed. Words are carefully typed into the phone with my shaky hands. What was my reply? I do not even remember it, probably just laughed off at the message. My lame reply is always the same.

Sohyun drags me into our room, ready for the bed time. We climb into the bed, covering ourselves with the blanket. She loves that I put my hand around her waist, staring at her until sleepiness take over me. I smile at her cuteness as she is always shy after giving me a goodnight kiss. “I love you, goodnight.” There she is, again. It froze my body again. “Sohyun ah…” No way I can take this anymore. “Hmm?” She opens her eyes again, showing me her warmest smile. It hurts me. “Don’t say you love me, please…” I whisper to her, observing her face. She freezes her smiles for a second but quickly fakes it. “Okay. I won’t say it again. Let’s sleep.” She closes her eyes, shut them tight. I can see frowns on her face. “I…do like you. Just that I can’t say it to you now. I…want things to be slow, step by step.” I try to explain. Her eyes open, staring at me with hurtful emotions. Bitter smiles are found on her face. I press my lips on hers, grabbing her closer to me. I know this is the only thing I can give her, comfort from me.