SEOUL 07.02.10

“I know this place… I feel like I’ve been there before…”

I grace the edge of the photograph with my fingertips as a strange feeling of longing flutters through my stomach. It’s strangely homely and… melancholic but also kind of sour. It’s almost as though the place in the photograph is bathed in sadness. I hardly noticed the small panda-like child smiling in front of the towering palace.

Suddenly your grip tightens, almost ripping the photo’s edge, that’s when I look up and notice the confusion in your eyes. I let go of the photograph and grab my coffee mug, hoping it hasn’t gone cold yet.

“What?” It comes out far more irritated than I had intended.

My throat feels a bit hoarse from the smoke and I’m beginning to feel the effects of the whiskey start to kick in so I lean back into the headrest for a more comfortable position, the mattress protesting against my movements with mechanical whines.

You let go of the photograph, interest long gone, instead you lie back down on the bed and rest your head on my lap as if you owned it.

Have I ever told you how much I hate that? I’m not your damn pillow!

“I thought you’d never been outside of Seoul?” it sounds casual but your eyes lock onto mine in a show of poorly hidden curiosity.

“I haven’t Baekhyun, you should know that.”

I could hear the annoying ringing of a bell in the distance. School must be over.

“You’re my shadow after all.” An annoyingly unwanted and overly greasy little shadow.

Your lips twitch into a smirk of arrogance and I can’t help but want to grab my pillow and smother you right then and there. You know, you always look so stupid when you smirk like that.

I wish I could just rip it off your face.

Cheeky little bastard.

 “That was taken in China you idiot, that’s Tao’s hometown”

I took hold of the photograph again re-examining the over-indulgent architecture and wondered if it was a popular tourist site. It certainly seemed luxurious enough. Maybe I’d seen it on TV or on one of Tao’s postcards from his homeland.

               “China?” For some reason the thought of that place always makes me feel inadequate and somewhat lost. It doesn’t help that I’ve always felt an unjustified longing for that place. I’ve had countless dreams of what I have come to accept as a life long passed. They’re never vivid or detailed enough to really learn anything from and more often than not I wake up without being able to recall anything important. The feelings, however, always stay. The sadness and desperation that plague me within those dreams seep into my conscious and follow me around like hell hounds marking their prey. Creepy right?

I feel weight down by the sound of that name, its taste too bitter for my sensitive tongue. The sudden loss of warmth from my legs interrupts me mid-thought. I Look back down and notice you’re no longer splayed on top of me.

 “I should get going… Tao’s probably worried” you sound so disdainful saying his name and it makes me wonder why you even bother with the honeyed kid. The guy’s nothing but a naïve little sweetheart. Totally deserves better.

Tao… that poor sap shouldn’t have gotten involved with someone like Baekhyun.

“You haven’t told him about us have you?” I can’t help but feel sorry for the kid.

“No strings attached Chanyeol… remember the deal” It was barely a whispered breath but I can sense the amusement in your tone. You really don’t care do you? Selfish prick.

Great! Now I’m angry and WHY are you still here?!

I reach over the bed and lift up your tacky flannel shirt hoping you’ll get the hint and leave already.

“No strings attached but your hold on me begs to differ” I grumble in frustration and silently count the many times you’ve scared my dates away with your little gang of misfits.

“Toys aren’t meant to be shared Chanyeol, they’ll brake easily” your mocking tone chips away at my heart a little. A toy huh? That’s what I am to you… a plaything.

Days like these make me wonder why I ever let you in. I can be so stupid sometimes.

“Hypocrisy will get you nowhere. Leave. Now.”

Here I am throwing you out of my house and you still have the balls to laugh so carelessly! As if you’ve won an invisible battle. Prick.

You’re out the door before my mug can make contact with your stupid face.

Aw great.

That was my favorite cup. Kai gave it to me.

I realize now how used to you I’ve gotten and I don’t like it.

I don’t like it at all.