AN: Switched to First Person POV! Enjoy!

I could feel the rain drops on my head. The shivering piercing drops were warm today as the grey cloudy sky moved rapidly above me as I walked silently. The noise around me drummed through my ears, almost as if ringing a bell inside my mind, trying to wake me up.

I could feel my feet hitting the ground. There was no need to doubt that the soles of my shoes hit the black pavement with each stride I took down the messy road. Leaves fell around me, and in a way it was ironic. I was falling just like they were, falling to the ground. But they had something to stop them and I did not.

I could feel my hair sliding down my cheeks as the raindrops danced on my skin lightly, falling down like tears. As I took a deep breath in I looked up to the sky, shutting my dull brown eyes as the rain blinded my vision.

What I did not feel was the silent pain racing through my veins in that moment. I wasn’t sure how to feel if I was alive or dead. The beating of my heart never gave me any indication anymore. I kept moving, slowly, achingly.

There was no map to guide me on this path, no person to give me any direction. I would have wanted to cry out, to feel some emotion that made me feel alive but I had nothing in my heart. The only thing I knew to do was to keep moving.

It wasn’t much to ask that the sky turn darker, the rain pour down harder. In a way it felt better to know that I couldn’t see where I was going as the rain continued to soak my clothes and pierce my skin.

I felt no pain.

I felt nothing.

That nothing was more painful than any other thing I could imagine. The ravaging guilt couldn’t even compare to how I felt like I couldn’t move a step without wanting to choke on the air around me.

Even with the wind blowing hard around me, I couldn’t find it in myself to care. It’s what I had wanted. All the guilt of wanting to let go and to stay flew through me. The storm outside mirrored the storm inside my heart as I blindly continued to walk.

I had wanted what anyone wanted. Protection. I wanted a person to catch me when I fell. I wanted someone who understood me, who could soothe my wounds when life got to be too much for me.

Even that was too much to ask for. It was too much to wish for now. Even to just cry, to fall down and feel some sort of pain of heartbreak inside my chest…it was all too much to ask for.

I didn’t want to feel alone. It made me bitter, untrustworthy. My fingers clenched and unclenched silently as I continued to walk until my knees dragged me down to the ground. I panted, the voices in my head finally quieting down.

I almost couldn’t think in that moment. I had no idea how to let go of the claws gripped on my heart. I knew if I could, I would have ripped it from my chest if it made my blood quicken and my eyes brighten.

I had no regrets though. I had done what I wanted to, and let them do what they wanted in return. I let them control the thoughts in my head and the quiet unsteady beats of my heart each passing minute, except they weren’t there in that moment.

I was alone.

The double standards people showed me daily made me want to bleed, right there on the road without a care in my eyes. If no one cared I knew I shouldn’t. But I did, and I hated myself blindly for it. It was one thing to fall to my knees and struggle to move, but falling flat down on my stomach, my body finally giving out was another thing.

I breathed heavily as I stared down the road, the rain the only sound in my ears. The street lamps flickered as night began to overtake day and the storm grew outside, but bigger inside me.

I wanted to sleep in that moment, to sleep for days, weeks, even years. I didn’t want to wake up to that feeling of the loneliness settling inside me, making me crawl to the mirror and try to fake a smile. The love and hate battled inside me, one wanting to break free while the other dragged me further down into the pits of my very own hell where I was doomed to face the demons who tortured me daily.

The numbness spread through my mind, and for a moment I couldn’t feel my heart, struggling to beat inside me. It hurt too much to know I was crying and that I couldn’t feel the tears racing down my cheeks. I had been kicked down, rejected at every corner, by everyone.

I wanted to be free without the guilt. I wanted to be able to smile and not feel as if I hurt those I loved. I wanted my limbs to move without aches and pains and the torturous feeling of betrayal. I was here, in this moment, wanting to cry out for those who I loved, for those who wanted to protect me, for those who cared.

But I didn’t.

I softly opened my mouth and let out a tiny sob, the tears and rain mixing together in my eyes until I felt blind. The rain felt like knives, keeping me attached to the hard pavement beneath my face. The sorrow had weaved its way around me like a snake, keeping me trapped from that simple melody of a smile.

It was odd how I thought I felt the peace, here in this moment. I loved and loved until I couldn’t any longer. I wanted what I couldn’t have. I had pushed myself to be who I thought I was. It was in that moment that it all came crashing down on me, a weight dropping on my back as I felt my body convulse and finally let my sobs coincide with the thunder above me. They screamed for me, they cried for me.

If I could have, I would have disappeared then. I felt pathetic, disgusted for being on the ground crying out my heart to a world that didn’t care. I hated everything about it, everything about myself as I rolled onto my back and stared up at the stormy sky.

I lay lifeless, watching everything fall around me. I couldn’t feel my chest beginning to slow as I struggled to breathe. Life’s hands grabbed my throat and choked me, ripping what little sense of feeling I had inside me. I shut my eyes quietly, feeling the warmth of the rain turn to icy spears, hitting me in every way possible. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t stay awake. I simply laid lifeless.

Letting life take the nothing from my body and tearing me apart slowly, painfully.

My breath mingled above my lips for a moment. Talking never helped and had only pushed everyone away. The only thing that helped was the slow warmth of relief racing through me as I laid there unable to move. I found that the ability to not care, what I had always wanted was there in that moment.

“I’m sorry.”

One breath. Two breaths.

The rain melted, taking me with it.