AN: Enjoyyy

He could feel the rain drops on his head. The shivering piercing drops were warm today as the grey cloudy sky moved rapidly above him as he walked silently. The noise around him drummed through his ears, almost as if ringing a bell inside his mind, trying to wake him up.

He could feel his feet hitting the ground. There was no need to doubt that the soles of his shoes hit the black pavement with each stride he took down the messy road. Leaves fell around him, and in a way it was ironic. He was falling just like they were, falling to the ground. But they had something to stop them and he did not.

He could feel his hair sliding down his cheeks as the raindrops danced on his skin lightly, falling down like tears. As he took a deep breath in he looked up to the sky, shutting his dull brown eyes as the rain blinded his vision.

What he did not feel was the silent pain racing through his veins in that moment. He wasn’t sure how to feel if he was alive or dead. The beating of his heart never gave him any indication anymore. He kept moving, slowly, achingly.

There was no map to guide him on this path, no person to give him any direction. He would have wanted to cry out, to feel some emotion that made him feel alive but he had nothing in his heart. The only thing he knew to do was to keep moving.

It wasn’t much to ask that the sky turn darker, the rain pouring down harder. In a way it felt better to know he couldn’t see where he was going as the rain continued to soak his clothes and pierce his skin.

He felt no pain.

He felt nothing.

That nothing was more painful than any other thing he could imagine. The ravaging guilt couldn’t even compare to how he felt like he couldn’t move a step without wanting to choke on the air around him.

Even with the wind blowing hard around him, he couldn’t find it in himself to care. It’s what he had wanted. All the guilt of wanting to let go and to stay flew through him. The storm outside mirrored the storm inside his heart as he blindly continued to walk.

He had wanted what anyone wanted. Protection. A person to catch him when he fell. Someone who understood him, who could sooth his wounds when life got to be too much for him.

Even that was too much to ask for. It was too much to wish for now. Even to just cry, to fall down and feel some sort of pain of heartbreak inside his chest…it was all too much to ask for.

He didn’t want to feel alone. It made him bitter, untrustworthy. His fingers clenched and unclenched silently as he continued to walk until his knees dragged him down to the ground. The boy panted, the voices in his head finally quieting down.

He almost couldn’t think in that moment. He had no idea how to let go of the claws gripped on his heart. He knew if he could, he would have ripped it from his chest if it made his blood quicken and his eyes brighten.

He had no regrets though. He had done what he wanted to, and let them do what they wanted in return. He let them control the thoughts in his head and the quiet unsteady beats of his heart each passing minute. Except they weren’t there in that moment. He was alone.

The double standards people showed him daily made him want to bleed, right there on the road without a care in his eyes. If no one cared he knew he shouldn’t. But he did, and he hated himself blindly for it. It was one thing to fall to his knees and struggle to move, but falling flat down on his stomach, his body finally giving out was another thing.

He breathed heavily as he stared down the road, the rain the only sound in his ears. The street lamps flickered as night began to overtake day and the storm grew outside, but bigger inside him.

He wanted to sleep in that moment, to sleep for days, weeks, years. He didn’t want to wake up to that feeling of the loneliness settling inside him, making him crawl to the mirror and try to fake a smile. The love and hate battled inside him, one wanting to break free while the other dragged him further down into the pits of his very own hell where he was doomed to face the demons who tortured him daily. 

The numbness spread through his mind, and for a moment he couldn’t feel his heart, struggling to beat inside him. It hurt too much to know he was crying and that he couldn’t feel the tears racing down his cheeks. He had been kicked down, rejected at every corner, by everyone.

He wanted to be free without the guilt. He wanted to be able to smile and not feel as if he hurt those he loved. He wanted his limbs to move without aches and pains and the torturous feeling of betrayal. He was here, in this moment, wanting to cry out for those who he loved, for those who wanted to protect him, for those who cared. But he didn’t.

He softly opened his mouth and let out a tiny sob, the tears and rain mixing together in his eyes until he felt blind. The rain felt like knives, keeping him attached to the hard pavement beneath his face. The sorrow had weaved its way around him like a snake, keeping him trapped form that simple melody of a smile.

It was odd how he thought he felt the peace, here in this moment. He loved and loved until he couldn’t any longer. He wanted what he couldn’t have. He had pushed himself to be who he thought he was. It was in that moment that it all came crashing down on him, a weight dropping on his back as he felt his body convulse and finally let his sobs coincide with the thunder above him. They screamed for him, they cried for him.

If he could have, he would have disappeared then. He felt pathetic, disgusted for being on the ground crying out his heart to a world that didn’t care. He hated everything about it, everything about himself as he rolled onto his back and stared up at the stormy sky.

He lay lifeless, watching everything fall around him. He couldn’t feel his chest beginning to slow as he struggled to breathe. Life’s hands grabbed his throat and choked him, ripping what little sense of feeling he had inside him. He shut his eyes quietly, feeling the warmth of the rain turn to icy spears, hitting him in every way possible. He couldn’t sleep, couldn’t stay awake. He simply laid lifeless.

Letting life take the nothing from his body and tearing him apart slowly, painfully.

His breath mingled above his lips for a moment. Talking never helped and had only pushed everyone away. The only thing that helped was the slow warmth of relief racing through him as he laid there unable to move. He found that the ability to not care, what he had always wanted was there in that moment.

“I’m sorry.”

One breath. Two breaths.

The rain melted, taking him with it.