It's not like Baekhyun doesn't know.

It's not like they all don't know.

But it just doesn't bother him, not really.

Baekhyun knows fans say he's team bottom, the one who is so painfully uke that even the thought of him topping one of the other guys—

Now stop right there.

Only when elephants fly will that ever happen. Or so fans say, on forums the boys sometimes find themselves perusing, much to the detriment of their own mental health. Though what elephants have to do with Baekhyun's ual prowess is anyone's guess.

"I don't know why we do this," Kyungsoo grumbles, as his index finger keeps scrolling further and further down the thread where erts disguised as fans discuss how the EXO members apparently live their lives. With each other, no less.

"Because it's fun," Jongdae pipes in, a piece of four-month old candy cane he found at the bottom of the fridge this morning dangling from his mouth. "Look, this one says I'm in love with Joonmyun".

He snorts, the snort exploding into a guffaw when he gets to the part where user chenschmen92 puts in her two-cents' worth with a Suho in turn, does love JD too, but I think Suho is also in love with Tao, and that love has motherly love added to it and do you know how ing strong that kind of love is???? He will never leave Tao for JD, so JD will be forever alone.

"I am offended," Jongdae says, completely serious.

"Who bottoms in SuChen, by the way?" Chanyeol glances at the screen, one hand holding a carton of chocolate milk, the other half-heartedly flipping through a magazine where EXO is yet again on the cover. This one has them each in some weird shade of green, smiling sweetly at the camera only to come across constipated. Luhan wins this cover. He is the only one who looks half-decent. Poor Sehun loses, sprawled at the bottom of the pyramid they've formed for the shoot, hands bizarrely clutching onto the hem of Kris' pants, face contorted into a sort of grimace only very tortured souls would have managed.

They've all forgotten what the concept was at this point.

"It says here that they switch around. How nice of you," Kyungsoo helpfully adds, patting Jongdae on the back like it's all true, finger continuing on it's furious rolling motion. He stops suddenly and frowns when he gets to a KaiSoo stretch.

"These people are on crack if they think I bottom for Jongin," he nearly growls in his indignance, mumbling that's a if there ever was one and don't these people have any common sense.

"Hey hey hey, that's my boyfriend you're talking about," Baekhyun, who had been silently reading through the comments of a video of his performance, speaks up without so much as a flicker of a glance towards Kyungsoo's general direction. "Only I get to call him that."

"You don't want to know what they say about you and Jongin?" Jongdae asks as he eagerly ambles over to Baekhyun's bed. He shoves the laptop under Baekhyun's nose, tapping a particular input he thinks is amusing, judging by that -eating grin he has on his face.

BaeksBaby ("What a ing delusional user name that is")

guysssssss i really really REALLY ship baekhyun and kai together, like look at ALL THAT, how prettyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

JunkInTheJong ("ing hell")

I know rite? If they could have babies together can you imagine how hot that baby would be? ("Psshhh, more like a crawling walking natural disaster. Oww don't hit me!!")

exomakesmeo13579

I get so everytime they interact like you wouldn't believe

BaeksBaby

no kiddinggggggggg they eye- each other like crazy ("But that's just how Jongin looks at people. He has some crazy-eye going on. I said don't hit me!!!")

exomakesmeo13579

Yes they better keep on doing that... Kai looks like he just wants to pound Baekhyun's on stage like.. *fanning myself here tbh*

TopBaektheRestAreJustPeasants77 ("She knows nothing")

lol i'm pretty sure it's the other way around

JunkInTheJong

You think Baekhyun tops? That ? ("HAHAHHAAHAAOOOOOOOWWWW I WILL PUNCH YOU IF YOU DON'T STOP HITTING ME")

TopBaektheRestAreJustPeasants77

jongin's the , let's be real. ("Hey, only I get to call him that")

JunkInTheJong

Tell me why? Just for the sake of arguments.

TopBaektheRestAreJustPeasants77

he just gives this vibe off. like he may be all y and on stage but off-stage he's completely...not. he cries all the time I mean ("This one's so eloquent, man")

BaeksBaby

Ehhhhhhhhhhhhh just because someone cries a lot doesn't mean he's a . Just because baek doesn't cry doesn't mean he's not. 

JunkInTheJong

Yes, I agree. You can be a sensitive man and still be the dominant one in bed. Plus height-wise, physicality-wise. That's got to be a factor too, to who tops, right? I mean, that's why it's Chanbaek and not Baekyeol, ("She clearly has never watched gay and evidently has never seen your face either. Oomph NOT the crotch") and Kaisoo but not DOKai or whatever. ("If I see any implication that I bottom Jongin one more time I will...")

TopBaektheRestAreJustPeasants77

i'm sorry but you never seen gay have ya? ("Exactly what I said!") and come on, size does not matter, d.o. can top everyone just by the power of his fists y'know ("I take that back this one is clearly the smartest of them all")

exomakesmeo13579

I see gay and fist and I am gone

KaiBaek5EVA

Popping in to talk about my favourite pair. I think their dynamics are amazing. They're clearly comfortable with each other. Baek is such a hyung to Jongin, and Jongin is so cute with Baek, always touching him and looking at him. Do you guys realize how he always laughs at Baek's dumb jokes too? Every single time. Even when it's not funny at all. Plus they admire each other for their individual talents, which I think is really sweet. There is of course a crackling between them, but more than that I just really enjoy witnessing how they so obviously like each other. ("You two need to be more inconspicuous. Jongdae, you told me you'd wait for me before you go looking at our.. I mean the SuChen thread, I am upset with you.")

getlaydplease511

lol this is not the place for that honey. we're here to talk about the boys getting laid not how actually in love with each other they are lol

BaeksBaby

lol mte

exomakesmeo13579

Yes, yes, getting laid having ing yes that is what this thread is for

KaiBaek5EVA

OK I'll just leave now

TopBaektheRestAreJustPeasants77

right. anyway i still think baek tops jongin

JunkInTheJong

Oh hell no, no way. Just imagining Baekhyun topping Kai makes me want to regurgitate my lunch. That is not feasible at all.

TopBaektheRestAreJustPeasants77

ok gurl, whatever. all i can see when i look at jongin is so he is clearly the one that's ed but ok gurl, whatever

JunkInTheJong

But Baek's jiggles ("HAHAHHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAH HAH YOU MISSED")

BaeksBaby

screeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmm

TopBaektheRestAreJustPeasants77

the that jiggles is the one that s lmao you really have never watched gay

exomakesmeo13579

Guys, who cares who tops, I just want to see them //cries

"That girl needs help," Baekhyun says, shutting the laptop off. He snaps the free end of Jongdae's candy cane off and pops it into his mouth, then promptly returns to his own laptop and video comments, memorizing the ones he thinks are actually constructive. "Wait why do we assume everyone's a girl again?" he asks no one in particular, lost in afterthought.

"That's it? That's all you're giving me?" Chanyeol squawks. "You're not bothered that most people think you're a puss?"

"Hey, only Jongin gets to call me that. And TopBaekwhatever thinks I'm cool."

"But don't you care about," Kyungsoo gestures to the area around his like it's supposed to explain things, "your manliness?"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"You know, you're a guy."

"And?"

"Usually guys are sensitive about these things. Like they can say I'm short all they want but one does not simply say Do Kyungsoo bottoms without severe consequences. You know, if I can actually reach through the screen and somehow strangle people I would."

"....."

"You need help too, child," Joonmyun squeaks and dodges the karate chop that comes his way.

"Baek you see," Chanyeol begins, hands roving around mid-air in a bad imitation of Italian speak, "this is a matter of pride. A girl's pride is her hair. My sister said so," he holds up a finger to Kyungsoo when he sees he's about to protest this ridiculous statement, "we boys fight with the size of our . Straight guys anyway."

"Ignoring the fact that that sounded like an extremely gay thing to do," Baekhyun starts, "your point is?"

"I would have gotten to the point if you'd stop interrupting me," Chanyeol snaps. "My point is," here he rests his hand on Baekhyun's shoulder, "that when it comes to men in gay relationships the point of pride is who tops and who bottoms," he holds a finger up to Jongdae when it looks like he's about to protest this ridiculous statement. "The forums say so."

"Okay," Baekhyun drawls out slowly as he tries to comprehend how he's best friends with this nutcase. "It seems as the only gay person in this room I've been going about doing it wrongly this whole entire time."

Chanyeol's hand drops from Baekhyun's shoulder. He actually looks dejected that the latter did not approve of those theories he poached from fan forums. When he does speak again its with a sad downturn to his tone.

"You guys don't compare how many times you've topped and how many times you've bottomed?"

Baekhyun blinks then says extra slowly, as if speaking to a five-year old child "No. We don't."

"So what do you guys do?"

"Do for what?"

"You know. To decide who is the... bigger man."

"Are you ing serious?"

"Yeah."

"Explain please, I don't know how stupid people's minds work."

"Like how do you... hey, stop saying I'm dumb Byun Baek. People say everytime you say it it's like a wish. I'd wake up one day with an IQ of a fish if you keep saying that."

"...... no comment. Please continue so I can go watch Brain Games and replenish lost brain cell count as soon as possible."

"...alright. I'm gonna let that one slide. I just want to know how you guys decide who tops?"

Baekhyun rubs his face like he wants to scrub all the skin off. He's much too intelligent for this conversation.

"Hey guys," Jongin chooses that moment to pop his head in around the door. Baekhyun gives a desperate look he hopes Jongin catches. He does. "Hey hyung," he says more cautiously as he enters the room fully, closing the door behind him. He trudges over to Baekhyun's bed and plops down next to his very exasperated-looking boyfriend. "What are you guys talking about?"

"Chanyeol here," Baekhyun fondly pats Chanyeol's head the way you might a pet who'd just crapped all over your favourite carpet, "wants to know how we ."

Jongin chokes on air.

"Well," he begins once he's recovered, face a deep scarlet colour, "it's a lot like straight , but the mech... mechanics are different, you know... it goes in..."

"Shut up, that's not what I meant!" Chanyeol shrieks, covering his humongous ears with his equally humongous hands, trying to block out all sound.

Jongdae rolls his eyes from the other end of the room. "Yeol, you want to know about their positions but you don't want to listen to how they actually have , how does that make sense. And we watched gay the other day remember?" He holds his hands up when he sees Joonmyun's eyes double in size at this revelation. "Hey, it was just there alright? On my dash on tumblr. I just clicked on it."

"Which one?"

"Huh?"

Kyungsoo tosses the empty kimbap pack into the trash, and swivels around in his chair to look pointedly at Jongdae. "I asked, which one?"

"Uh, something Fisher or something, I don't know. Two guys going at it."

(like that distinguishes anything at all, Baekhyun thinks)

Kyungsoo's hand goes up, and everyone in the room instinctively ducks.

"High-five!!"

"Huh."

"I said high-five! I think I watched that one too."

Jongdae and Chanyeol slap Kyungsoo's hand.

"That was a real good one. Very nice camera work."

"Yeah! I thought so too. Nice audio as well. The ing, you know. Not as cheesy or fake like normal, I mean straight ."

"And they looked good."

Baekhyun buries his face into Jongin's shoulder and lets out a high-pitched whine.

"Oh right," Chanyeol gets back on track like he didn't just announce that he thinks gay stars are attractive, "no, Jongin. I just want to know who tops."

Jongin goes a deeper scarlet, stealing glances at Baekhyun who plants his face even more resolutely into the crook of his neck. "Well, I.."

"You totally top, don't you?" Joonmyun jumps in. "I mean, it's Baekhyun we're talking about here."

"Yeah, no offense dude but I kind of agree with the fans. You're just so very bottom," Jongdae chews on the last bit of minty candy, proceeding to swallow, only to choke when Baekhyun darts a hand out to clamp it over his windpipe.

"In all seriousness though," Kyungsoo says as he studiously ignores his coughing friend, "you really are. You fit everything on the checklist."

(as if you don't, everyone thinks but no one voices)

Baekhyun slowly rotates his head to face Kyungsoo, not unlike the girl in Exorcist, and Kyungsoo finds himself being scared of Baekhyun for the first time since they met. Not that he would ever admit it.

"Do please tell," Baekhyun says, voice low and a thin smile playing on his lips, eyes never leaving Kyungsoo's, "how this checklist goes."

Chanyeol goes immediately into it.

"A. You are pretty."

"Thanks."

"You really are," Jongin blurts, then blushes purple. Baekhyun just smiles at him and slaps his thigh fondly.

"Even your hands are pretty. By rule of relationships the prettier one is always the girl, and therefore the bottom."

"I want to punch you so bad," Baekhyun deadpans.

"B. You are cute. They always say you're cute before they hump each other."

"I'm lost. Who's they?" Joonmyun asks.

"The semes in mangas."

"You read too? High-five!"

In an act of extraordinary bravery Chanyeol leaves Kyungsoo hanging and launches into an explanation instead. "Semes always think you're cute in little thought bubbles. Always. Without fail. Then they give the ukes a . That's the natural progression, you see."

"I see," Baekhyun deadpans.

"But you really are cute." Jongin gets a pinch on his cheek for his trouble. He rubs the sore spot, mumbling hyung I told you not to do that under his breath.

(Baekhyun thinks Jongin's the cute one)

"C. You're short. The short one's always the bottom. It's all about height differences. They're crazy about it. Have you seen our thread, it's like -level in there."

"Yo!" Kris' blonde head appears in the room "Can I join in here, Sehun and Yixing are getting into Dance Battle too much and I can't keep up." He drops down to the floor next to Joonmyun, tying his hair up into a knot. "So what are we talking about?"

"About how Baek's short and how that makes him uke," Jongdae contributes. He turns to Chanyeol and gestures him to proceed.

"So anyway, height differences equals hot equals ...."

"True!" Kris interrupts. "It's like that in our thread Baek."

"Hyuuuuunnggg not you too," Baekhyun whines as he throws kicked puppy looks across the room to where Kris sits. "I'm not even that short."

"Hey, I think it's a great thing. That you're short, I mean, shorter than me." Kris flashes Baekhyun a gummy smile. "Makes you really cute."

"Awwwwwww," Baekhyun says, tone fluctuating like he doesn't know if he should be flattered or not. He reaches over for their secret handshake anyway.

"I only say these things to you, you know."

The grin on Baekhyun's face threatens to break his face into half. Jongin frowns so severely a trench forms in the middle of his.

"This is nice and all, but D. You get jealous easily." Chanyeol snickers. "Remember that time on Showtime when you almost burst a vessel because I was all over Jongin?"

"You were groping my boyfriend everywhere on national TV. I reckon I earned the right to burst whatever the I want."

"And the whole KaiSoo fiasco. Never forget," says Jongdae. "That was legendary," he adds, eyes cloudy, thoughts faraway already. Baekhyun, Jongin and Kyungsoo groan.

The height of the KaiSoo ship frenzy was also the period when Baekhyun and Jongin decided to give their relationship a go. But KaiSoo was everywhere. The banners, dear lord. During music shows, at airports, there will always be one blocking Baekhyun's peripheral vision.

Then Tao discovered the fanfics and decided to have weekly story-telling sessions in front of the whole dorm.

As much as Baekhyun was upset due to the unjust number of times he kept being killed off, he was infinitely more enraged by the damn slew of KaiSoo fics he had to sit through. He's very very pissed off about the fact that he can't pronounce the titles to most of them.

But Baekhyun is not one to have his battles out in public. He's sneaky.

Instead he takes to meticulously shaving off the heels off Kyungsoo's show shoes, milimeter by milimeter, day by day. Sometimes on particularly KaiSoo-heavy days Baekhyun takes off two.

By the end of the month, Kyungsoo, already vertically challenged, was beside himself with worry that he is shrinking. He adds more insoles in.

By the end of month two of Baekhyun's project, everytime Kyungsoo wears shoes it appears as if the distance between his heels and his ankles is half a foot long.

All hell broke loose when, during one of his cleaning fits, Kyungsoo finds a suspicious shoebox underneath Baekhyun's bed. He opens it, sees the chisel and sawdust, and puts two and two together.

The next morning Baekhyun comes out for breakfast with a black eye, a worried Jongin scurrying after him, and and an ecstatic Jongdae looking simultaneously in awe of Baekhyun's genius and in glee of his pain. Both Kyungsoo and Baekhyun get their outings rights revoked for three weeks.

Jongdae doesn't shut up about it for months.

"Can we not talk about that please," Kyungsoo cuts in.

"I second that." Baekhyun shoots an apologetic look at Kyungsoo. He still feels guilty about having acted like an immature teenager. Although he thinks it's one of the more brilliant things he's ever done. "Can we just get back to insulting me, Chanyeol?."

"You guys are no fun," Jongdae produces his signature whine.

"Okay fine. This last one's the most important one," Chanyeol pauses, his face stretching out into a crazy grin. It's the stuff of nightmares. Kris visibly shudders as it takes over Chanyeol's face.

"The last thing on the list is........ your 's smaller."

"Okay this I'm out," Baekhyun stands up abruptly from his bed. Chanyeol cowers a bit, but nothing comes. Oddly Baekhyun doesn't even look mad. "I don't care enough. Jongin tops, I bottom, Brain Games now, goodbye", he slurs, grabbing Jongin's hand and dragging him towards the door, grumbling why'd you ask when you've already made up your mind you giant idiot.

When they're gone, Kyungsoo huffs. "That was anti-climactic. I was hoping for a more dramatic outcome."

Minseok sticks his pretty head in soon after. "What did you guys do to Baekhyun? He just took over the TV yelling 'Brain Games is of grave importance in this house'."

A mischievous smirk gradually returns to Jongdae's face at the appearance of a new target.

"Nothing, hyung. But I have something to show you."

Later that night, Baekhyun returns to the forums.

Okay, so he lied.

He does care. A little bit anyway.

It's hard being a healthy 22-year old male and have people say you're a girl or a princess.

He moves down the thread, scoffing at some of the comments about his masculinity. One comes with a gif of him on one of his hosting gigs on Inkigayo. He's wearing pink and doing some sort of aegyo. The accompanying comment says he's girlier than me. Lord I think he has more estrogen than I do.

He lets out a snort so loud Chanyeol stirs a bit in his bed. Baekhyun freezes. He must not let people know he prowls the forums at midnight. Luckily all Chanyeol does is slap himself in the face, scratch the itch in his balls, before going back into deep sleep.

Baekhyun watches the gif loop over and over again. He cringes a bit. Honestly it's not like he likes doing aegyo that much. But it's his job. "And it's not my fault I'm naturally adorable you es," he mumbles.

His mind runs through the Bottom-Checklist again. Is he really that obvious?

Fine, okay. He's prettier than he is handsome. He thinks so too. He's heard enough neighbourhood ajusshis and ajummas coo over how delicate and soft he looks to know that. For the most part he likes being pretty. He knows firsthand that girls go berserk over pretty boys more than they do over classically handsome ones. It's a kind of power he enjoys.

He is acutely aware that he is cute too. He has used it to weasel his way out of trouble more times than he can count.

So he's not going to pretend he doesn't like it either. He actually prefers being called cute over any other compliment about his looks, if he was to be truly honest. His face allows him to be approachable. He has witnessed how his harmless, silly Kris-hyung has tried to make friends with hoobaes, only to come up empty-handed. They have one look at him and think he's about initiate them into the mafia instead, and run along before Kris can so much as say galaxy, or any of the other nonsense he spews thinking that it's cool.

Baekhyun would like to think he's not short. He's of national average height for men his age, thank you very much. But he does acknowledge that he can't compete with most of EXO. So okay, he'll swallow this one down like the man that he is.

He is aware that he has jealousy issues. He can't help it; his boyfriend's hot and he knows it. The problem is everyone does too.

(he draws the line at the -size comparison. Chanyeol doesn't know jack . I am bigger, thanks, Baekhyun thinks childishly)

After going through what felt like a thousand more comments pointlessly discussing the fanmade imaginary details of the KaiBaek relationship (like what is this obsession with there having to be a girl between us two, I'm ing gay for a reason, he nearly screams), Baekhyun reckons that's enough insult for a day, shuts down his laptop, and settles it aside.

The door creaks open just as he was pulling up his comforter over himself.

"Hyung?" A low voice calls out from the doorway. Jongin's standing there in his pajamas, hair a horrid mess on his head, an extra pillow under his arm. "Are you asleep yet?"

Baekhyun sits up, throwing him a small smile. He puts a finger over his lips, lifts his chin towards a sleeping Chanyeol's direction.

Jongin nods knowingly, and creeps into the room as stealthily as he could.

"Can't sleep?" Baekhyun whispers as he pulls Jongin into his bed.

The younger shakes his head. "I could. But I just—" He spreads himself over his hyung instead of completing his sentence, nose snuggling into the underside of Baekhyun's jaw. "It's just always easier to when—" He pecks the soft skin there, again not going through with voicing all his thoughts.

Despite being excessively eloquent and intelligent in interviews and during speeches, Jongin in private is terrible with words. He shows his feelings rather than describe them, like flipping a middle finger to Sehun when he annoys him, or curling up into a fetal position on the couch when he's sad.

But this Jongin; this cuddly person who craves for affection, who clings like he would die if he didn't, this boy who holds on so tightly Baekhyun almost can't breathe. Jongin only shows this side of him to Baekhyun. He feels exponentially special.

And suddenly, he feels horribly silly for letting this top-bottom business bother him at all.

People assume Jongin's this confident, experienced guy, one who can get you hot and bothered with a well-placed hand on his crotch and a smirk on his face. He is proclaimed as a god, machine, the epitome of .

But Baekhyun remembers the first time they slept together. Jongin was a fumbling mess, trying to get his pants off only to cut his finger on the zipper, then stalling the whole process when he spent five minutes to get the wrapper open. He still found it in himself to be insolent when Baekhyun sits back on his haunches laughing. "Hyung, you're not helping," he complained, throwing the still-heavy tub of lube at his head.

Afterwards, when it's all done and he's all cleaned up, Jongin opened his arms and whined for Baekhyun to join him back in bed. The older laughed at his antics again, highly amused, but readily complied. Jongin arranged them both into something more comfortable for him than it is for Baekhyun, but when the boy let out a deep sigh of contentment, Baekhyun found himself not caring that he is squashed under 160lb of Jongin on a sweltering hot summer's night.

"So cute," he muttered against the crown of blonde hair. "You are so cute."

And now, looking down at Jongin slowly drifting off, letting out the same small noises of happiness he did then, Baekhyun decides that he wants to keep it this way. He likes it that this adorable person is his. That this variation of Jongin is not only something he alone has seen, but no one else has probably imagined.

So if him being the bottom, the girl, the princess or whatever on the forums means that he gets to be selfish and keep this secret to himself, he won't care.

Baekhyun kisses the apple of Jongin's left cheek, pulls him closer, and goes to sleep.

A/N: Baekhyun's project idea poached from the geniuses who write New Girl. But lbr that's something Baek would totally do. Also KaiBaek because I am exomakesmeo13579 when it comes to them tbh. Also, might have been drunk when I wrote this, but lol this is 4k of no plot and nonsense and a couple of hour's work anyway, so thanks for reading!!