Under the Moon’s Light

 

 

Junsu felt himself being dragged by a very heavy weight and he struggled to be free from it in the darkness that surrounded him. He knew he was trying his best to escape the uncomfortable weight, he was sure he made panicked noises. He hoped that someone could hear him and free him from the nightmare. As if someone heard his anguished prayer, a voice so soft called his name. And in the darkness he saw a blinding flash of light. He quickly turned to the light and tried his best to reach it. His feet were tired all of a sudden but he knew that he hadn’t even crossed that long distance. Junsu frantically stretched his hands out in front of him, reaching, struggling to get to the light. He shouted as he saw the light almost fading away but no voice came out from his lips. At that point, Junsu knew that he was doomed to be alone. He would fade into oblivion, he would cry but no one would be able to hear him. No one.

 

Just as he was about to give up the last thought in his mind, the voice from his imagination became louder. It was calling his name.

 

Junsu! Don’t leave me, oh god, don’t leave me!

 

He felt a spark of hope well inside him. As he pushed the darkness away from him with all his might, his ears picked up the sound of someone calling him again. Junsu put his effort in reaching out to the voice again. He forced his throat to produce a sound, anything, so he could let that someone know he was there. He gave a shout that he knew was loud enough to wake the dead and hoped that he was heard.

 

“Junsu! Oh my god! Did you see that? He’s awake, oh my god…he’s…”

 

Junsu felt his body slowly edging away from the stiffness of sleep. Air seemed to rush in his lungs as if he just ran a thousand miles. He croaked a sound and immediately, blinked open his eyes, struggled to get up and he was seized in a tight but careful grip, as if he was something fragile. He blinked again as light hit his vision with painful pricks.

 

The person hugging him was speaking. Junsu couldn’t really work out what he was saying but he could feel that this person was glad to see him awake and alive. He let his surroundings come to him. His eyes roamed the vast expanse of white walls, the smell of crisp, clean air and the remnants of dried disinfectant. That could only mean he was in the one place he hated. He was in the hospital.

 

Junsu tried to recall what happened to him, why he was in this room but his thoughts were all jumbled in one confusing mass. He couldn’t remember what happened to him, and why someone was obviously crying on his shoulder now. Owing to the feeling of unreality of what was happening, Junsu's senses seemed to have sharply focused on the person hugging him. He felt that he was a man. The man was sobbing and continuously whispered harshly in his ear. It was only then that he understood what the man was saying.

 

“I’m so sorry, Junsu-ah. I shouldn’t have left you but…I’m a selfish bastard. Please forgive me, please…I’m so sorry. I love you. Love you.”

 

Junsu recognized that voice. It was the voice that saved him in the darkness. It was him! He made a movement and the man holding him let go of him slowly. As he leaned away from Junsu, he saw that the man was indeed crying. Crystal tears still glistened in his eyes as they lovingly caressed Junsu's face. A trembling hand moved to Junsu's cheek, he felt a light touch and a shaky sigh escaped the man’s lips.

 

“I love you Junsu-ah. I’m glad you’re back.” He said softly and Junsu felt his heart soar in answer.

 

He tried to form words that he wanted the man to hear. How he missed him! Junsu's lips moved but no words came from them. His throat was still painful. It felt like someone was squeezing his neck. He took a breath and helplessly looked at the man before him. He seemed to understand because he shook his head slowly then put his finger on Junsu's quivering lips.

 

“No my love, don’t try to speak yet. The doctor says it’s too soon. The operation went well but you still won’t be able to use your voice for a while. Rest now. I’ll call the doctor to check up on you.” The man said as he wiped his eyes dry with his fingers.

 

Junsu's eyes closed and nodded his head in agreement. He couldn’t really speak yet but he wanted to tell this man that he loved him back. He had to let him know how he missed him in the weeks they weren’t together. When he felt that the man was about to stand, Junsu lifted his hand and laid it on the other man’s pale hand which was lightly placed on his chest. He tried to move his lips again and the man moved closer to him so he could hear him whisper.

 

“Love…you…” Junsu managed to say, he saw the other man smile and felt a squeeze on his shoulder.

 

“And I love you, Junsu.” He answered. The man stood up to look lovingly down at Junsu. As if he couldn’t help it, the man moved closer again and placed a light kiss on his forehead. “Sleep now, baby.”

 

Junsu nodded and smiled. He felt tired all of a sudden. His limbs seemed heavy again as sleep once again crept on him. Before his eyes could drift close Junsu managed another hoarse whisper. A whisper of thanks, a whisper of love.

 

“Thanks…Yoochun-ah…love you…so much…” Junsu's eyes drifted close as he said the words he needed to say.

 

He didn’t see the man suddenly stiffen. The happiness in his face was replaced with cold shock. His feet seemed to move without his knowledge. As he reached the door, a small sound erupted from his lips. He clamped his hands on his mouth to keep another sound from escaping. He knew that if he did, his sobs would be heard inside the room. And Junsu would hear him. He didn’t want Junsu to hear him.

 

***

 

Junsu saw Yoochun move around the room like he was walking on eggshells. When he came in, Junsu felt an immense relief. He wasn’t sure whether what happened a few days ago was real. But when he saw Yoochun, he knew it was real. Yoochun was here again, with him. He seemed to care for him again and that was enough for Junsu.

 

Junsu remembered what happened now. Yoochun and he had been having some problems a few months ago. Junsu wasn’t sure how it started, he just knew that Yoochun suddenly seemed a bit colder to him. A sharp pain surged in Junsu's chest but he firmly pushed it down. He didn’t really want to think about those times again. Yoochun was really…distant that time, he just got very busy with work and Junsu knew that he needed to focus on his career. Junsu let him and continued to support him but he didn’t know why Yoochun suddenly treated him like he wasn’t there. A suspicion formed in his mind that maybe Yoochun met someone else but he quickly wiped it from his mind and Junsu struggled to pretend that nothing was wrong. He continued living as if he and Yoochun were fine. He didn’t want to pressure him, Junsu reasoned with himself when the man didn’t seem to behave anything differently toward him. He thought that if Yoochun got no spurts of jealousy from him, the man would be angry with him. Junsu didn’t want Yoochun to be angry. He thought that everything would be fine as long as he kept quiet.

 

Then one day, Yoochun came home and announced that he would be moving out the same night. He said he was tired of their set up and he wanted to be free from Junsu. No amount of pleading changed Yoochun's mind. Even as Junsu cried and pleaded to him, the man seemed very determined to leave him. The weeks that followed were a blur to Junsu. He didn’t know how he got through work and what he said to his friends about Yoochun. He just sort of existed. But the man inside him died the day Yoochun left him.

 

One of Junsu's friends, Changmin, said that he needed to let go. It wasn’t healthy to continue living with a man’s memory. Junsu agreed and after drinking almost every drop of liquor in the fifth bar they went to, Junsu resolved that Yoochun wouldn’t and shouldn’t forget him. He wanted to make sure that Yoochun wouldn’t forget Kim Junsu's name for all eternity.

 

He didn’t remember how he got to his car but when he came to, he was speeding off the bar’s parking lot with a bellowing and frantic Changmin behind him. Junsu drove like a madman. He didn’t are about anything else but getting to Yoochun's house. Once he got to Yoochun's place, he shouted his lungs out as he pounded on the solid door.

 

Yoochun came to door wide-eyed. He saw Junsu and looked completely surprised at his appearance. Junsu wouldn’t know anything of how he looked like. He wouldn’t really remember anything that he did that night. He just knew that he wanted to get Yoochun again. When Junsu finally regained his hold on what was happening, he was inside his car again and Yoochun was with him. He was shouting. Junsu remembered everything that Yoochun said to him that night.

 

He called him a cold bastard that deserved to rot in hell. Yoochun said that he wanted to go home. Junsu remembered he shouted back that he wouldn’t let Yoochun go to his new boy toy. Then Yoochun screamed that it wasn’t his boy toy at home but the love of his life. His soul mate! He said that Junsu wouldn’t know about any of that because he didn’t know how it felt. That remark made Junsu really white hot angry.

 

He sped up until he knew that the car was at its limit. Vaguely, he heard Yoochun's nervous warning to slow down but he didn’t listen. They were still shouting when a sudden movement on the road caught Junsu unaware. Another car swerved in their direction and Junsu shifted the wheel sharply to avoid collision. But it was too late. He barely heard the screech of metal that followed after the cars collided and the piercing scream that Yoochun made when they crashed.

 

But now, he was in the hospital. With Yoochun again, thank god. Junsu should’ve felt relieved and happy that they were finally talking again after the weeks they spent apart from each other. But there was something that still bothered Junsu.

 

It came like a rush after last night. Junsu had thought that everything was going back to normal between the two of them. But then he noticed that Yoochun seemed to be avoiding his gaze when he wanted to talk with him. Junsu asked Yoochun what was wrong but the man just smiled and didn’t say anything. It was just like what happened before Yoochun started behaving coldly towards him and Junsu felt a strong urge to shout at the unfairness of it all.

 

Desperate and willing to make sacrifices, Junsu said he would change for Yoochun. He wouldn’t be passive anymore. He’d spend more time with him everyday if only Yoochun would let him. Yoochun was silent but Junsu felt that the man was seriously thinking. He saw that Yoochun was taking his time in answering.

 

Today, the doctors said that he could go home in no time at all after he finished with his two-week observation. When Junsu asked Yoochun why he needed to be kept in the hospital for another two weeks, Yoochun was somewhat surprised, his expression then changed to remorse and guilt. Junsu wanted to hear the reason straight from Yoochun.

 

“Do I need to stay? Can’t we go home soon? Yoochun-ah?” Junsu asked softly, his voice a little stronger after a few days of rest.

 

Yoochun was hovering over his head that time, fixing his pillows behind his head. When he asked the question, Junsu saw that his movements slowed down. Then a hooded expression came to his face. It made Junsu impatient to know more.

 

“Tell me what the doctor said. Why do I need to stay here longer than necessary? I am getting much much better, right?”Junsu asked insistently.

 

Yoochun straightened and he answered in a whisper. “Yes, you’re getting better Junsu-ah. But the doctor wants to make sure that you’re okay. So he told me that he’ll extend your stay here.”

 

Junsu seemed to consider that answer but he wasn’t wholly convinced, not when Yoochun seemed like he was hiding something from him. He wasn’t telling Junsu everything. He could tell because the other man behaved as if he needed to bolt out of the door to escape from Junsu's presence.

 

He took Yoochun’s hand and he felt a tremor run through his fingers. Yoochun was trembling. Junsu's forehead knotted in confusion as he felt Yoochun tried to move his fingers away from his. The man murmured something like an apology before stepping away from his bed. Junsu felt like he was slapped. It was clear that Yoochun didn’t like to be touched, by him.

 

A lump formed in Junsu's throat as he followed Yoochun as he settled himself in a chair near his bed. He waited for Yoochun to look at him again but he didn’t even glance at him. Yoochun kept silent while he looked at his clasped hands on his lap. He looked really nervous and Junsu could almost guess what thoughts were running inside his head.

 

Of course Yoochun would still be angry with him. Junsu had no illusions that everything would be immediately okay with their relationship once again. But he somehow convinced himself that Yoochun would see that he needed him in his life. They could still talk about it. They could still solve their problems. They could still be together. But now, Junsu wasn’t sure. If Yoochun behaved like this around him, it would kill him to keep him with him knowing that he was hurting Yoochun unintentionally. Junsu's throat closed with bitter tears. He couldn’t live with Yoochun's contempt. He’d rather stay away from him than cause him pain. It seemed that there was no choice left for him but to let Yoochun go.

 

But Junsu's entire being rebelled against the idea. He wouldn’t allow Yoochun to go away again. He refused to be left alone again. To feel the devastating silence at night, to expect that someone would be welcoming him only to be faced with disappointment because all over the house was the quiet and painful reminder that he was really alone. No one would be there for him.

 

No! It wouldn’t happen again. Not again.

 

“Yoochun-ah…I know that I hurt you, it wasn’t my intention.” Junsu spoke and he saw that Yoochun looked up. “I’m so sorry for hurting you Yoochun-ah. I promise that from now on, everything will be better between us.”

 

“Junsu, there’s no need to say sorry. I forgive you.” Yoochun answered; his voice still soft.

He stayed silent and continued looking at Yoochun. After he spoke, Yoochun again focused his attention to anywhere but Junsu. It seemed that he was very determined not to look at him again. It made Junsu feel desperate. He had to make sure that Yoochun would agree to stay with him. He had to do it now. Or he wouldn’t have another chance.

 

“Yoochun-ah…I know you’re just saying that…to make me feel better. But please don’t do that. I know that you think I’m still a jerk and will do anything to convince you to stay with me. It’s true.” Junsu said, his voice steady as he willed his feelings to guide him through the conversation. “I am still a jerk, I admit that. But I am also a man in love. I’m in love with you Yoochun…if you can’t believe anything I say at least believe that. I have never stopped loving you.” His voice started to break at this point and Junsu had to stop to take a breath. He saw that Yoochun’s eyes were still lowered; he couldn’t know what he was thinking and it made Junsu more desperate to explain. “Yoochun-ah…please…look at me. Please…”he pleaded.

 

Junsu waited until Yoochun turned his head toward him again. He saw that Yoochun's eyes were shining with unshed tears. He was struggling not to cry and Junsu felt an answering pull to him. He reached out his arm and silently begged Yoochun with his eyes. It was as if time had stopped, his breath held in wary anticipation. When it seemed that Yoochun wouldn’t give an answer, Junsu nodded to him imperceptively. He understood quite well and he started to retreat to his oblivion. But before he could even lower his arm, Yoochun had reached out and had pulled him toward him. Before he knew what was happening, Junsu found himself being embraced in a tight circle of warmth.

 

“Oh, Junsu…I love you. I don’t know how to live without you…please forgive me…” Yoochun said harshly to his ear. Junsu felt Yoochun's shoulders shaking and he realized that he was crying. Junsu clasped his arms around the man he loved and buried his face in Yoochun's neck. The happiness he felt inside his chest blossomed until he felt that he would burst with emotion.

 

“I love you too. I love you.” Junsu gasped in answer to Yoochun's continuous murmurs.

 

***

 

Junsu smiled sleepily at Yoochun as he closed the door to his room. They had cried and declared their love for each other over and over. When Junsu's strength visibly lessened, they both agreed that he needed to rest. Yoochun left with a promise that he’d be there when Junsu woke up.

 

When the faint click of the door faded, the man who left Junsu's room felt fresh tears fall from his eyes. Try as he might, the sounds coming from his lips couldn’t be stopped even as he held it in with both of his hands. His shoulders shook hard as sobs racked his body. He slid on the floor when he found it difficult to balance himself against the wall. He knew he should’ve expected it, the doctor had warned him that this would happen but he just didn’t expect it to hurt this much. As he tried to keep his cries in, he became aware that someone had walked in on him. He looked around and saw Yunho standing in front of him. His face was full of compassion and understanding that he felt his tears fall more freely.

 

“Yunho. I’m just…” He wobbly murmured and he was crushed in a delicate hug.

 

Yunho his head slowly and said, “Shh, Jaejoong-ah. There’s no need to explain. I understand.”

 

Jaejoong managed to nod slightly but he was still crying. “He called me Yoochun again. He said he loved me…but I knew that he wasn’t seeing me. Yunho, it hurts so much. I love him but he seems to have forgotten me. He doesn’t know me at all! He loves Yoochun…he doesn’t love me…!”

 

“Yes, I know, my love. I know.” Yunho whispered as he continued to Jaejoong's hair.

 

In the circle of Yunho's embrace, Jaejoong let himself be comforted by another man. He knew he should pull away. Yunho was a dear friend and he shouldn’t be treating his best friend this way. Jaejoong knew that Yunho had feelings for him and it was unfair for him to be in this kind of situation. But Jaejoong didn’t care about that now. He was just so tired.

 

So very tired.

 

It had been eight months since he started to notice something different with his boyfriend, Junsu. It happened after he got a very high fever that left Jaejoong rattled with nerves. He thought that Junsu wouldn’t pull through, but when he did, Jaejoong was overcome with relief. He started putting their lives back to normal. It was then that Junsu suddenly behaved differently.

 

When Junsu got back from the hospital, Jaejoong expected that they would live the same way. Junsu was very bubbly and he wanted to be always active. Jaejoong let him watch soccer on TV to keep him entertained. He encouraged him to move more so he could regain his strength fast. But Junsu seemed to have become distant to him. At first, Jaejoong dismissed this as simply the after effects of his fever. But after sometime, it got worse. From being silent for months, he became really cranky and unbelievably rude. Junsu found fault in everything Jaejoong did. Everything, from the way he styled his hair to the way he pulled the curtains in their bedroom. Jaejoong let his insults slide but at one point he got really pissed off. Junsu had compared him with Yoochun, his ex-boyfriend. The one person who Jaejoong knew that Junsu truly loved.

 

“Why couldn’t you be more like Yoochun? He would know the things to please me. He would know what to do. “Junsu said scathingly while looking at Jaejoong who was busily tying the silk fabric around a plain white curtain. Junsu had complained that it was dark so he asked, no, ordered Jaejoong to push it away from the window.

 

When Jaejoong heard this remark however, something in him snapped. It was an unspoken rule that they wouldn’t mention their ex’s names ever. It was a particularly sensitive topic for Jaejoong because he knew that Junsu didn’t want to be reminded of his ex. But now, he had the gall to mention another man’s name to him. And he compared Jaejoong with him too!

 

Jaejoong whirled around fast, his shock clearly written in his face. He looked at Junsu to see if he was as shocked as he was but Jaejoong didn’t see any emotion form him. He let go of the curtain and stood face to face with the man across the room.

 

“Oh yes, Yoochun would definitely know what to do. He would have known how to please you, wouldn’t he?” Jaejoong's voice dripped with sarcasm.

 

Junsu's eyes narrowed in warning. He didn’t like someone talking about Yoochun that way. “Yes! He’s a very caring person. He loves me, so he would do anything I want! Not like you!”

 

“Oh yeah? If this Yoochun is so perfect for you, why did he leave you? Huh? Why did he go with another man? Because he didn’t love you Junsu, he never did.” Jaejoong shot back, his anger seemed to rush through him in waves. He knew he said the wrong thing when Junsu's breath began to come in gasps. In a normal conversation, Jaejoong would have rushed to Junsu to see if he was okay, but not now. He was so angry.

 

“You don’t know him. You have no right to say that about him. Take it back!” Junsu snarled at Jaejoong.

 

Jaejoong would have recognized that Junsu was behaving a bit off but he was blinded by a haze of rage that time so he didn’t see it. He sneered at Junsu. “I won’t. Yoochun was a selfish bastard and you know it. He left you Junsu because he never wanted you.”

 

Junsu shouted, “He does! He loves me—“

 

“Is that why he’s dead now, Junsu? Because he loved you enough to move in with another man. He loved you so much that you had to spend night and day many years ago drinking your guts out? Yes, he even loved you when you dragged him out of his house in the middle of the night and let yourselves crash into another car. He loved you, Junsu. And he got killed because of that.”

 

“I hate you.” Junsu whispered in a controlled voice.

 

Instead of slowing down, Jaejoong rushed on. “Oh yes, you hate me. I agree. Because if you did love me, I’d have been dead by now. I guess I should be thankful that you don’t love me.”

 

After he said that, Junsu kept silent but his eyes were filled with such hatred that Jaejoong was forced to go out of the room.

 

            The days went by with silence. Not one of them wanted to admit they were sorry. Jaejoong knew that he was also in the wrong, Junsu was not well. But he couldn’t help it. It just hurt him so much to hear Junsu say those words to him. So in the months that followed, Jaejoong hired a private nurse to take care of Junsu.

 

Since he was still recovering, Junsu was left in the house for short periods of time after the nurse that Jaejoong hired ran some errands. It seemed that Junsu had waited for this chance to leave the house. He took the car and left. When Jaejoong received a call from a very distressed nurse, he immediately went home to look for Junsu. They looked everywhere for him but they didn’t find him. Jaejoong felt the deepest regret of his life. He berated himself for leaving Junsu and ignoring him. He behaved like a child and he should’ve known better.

 

It took some days for the police to get a word about Junsu. And when they did, it was like another blow to Jaejoong. They said Junsu got into another car accident. He was being treated in a hospital not far from there. After rushing to the said hospital, it was then that he knew of Junsu's condition.

 

The doctor said that Junsu had been suffering from a case of dementia for some months now. Patients with this disease would be irritable and easily annoyed. They would tend to forget the simplest things at first. In some cases, memory about people they met would gradually fade. They would forget the people they met recently and remember those who had the most impact in their lives. In the case of Junsu, it seemed that he wouldn’t remember Jaejoong when he woke up, if he ever woke up. Jaejoong didn’t believe any of it. He knew that Junsu couldn’t possibly forget him. He was the love of his life. This simple statement let Jaejoong live through the new nightmare.

 

Junsu miraculously regained consciousness a few weeks ago. Jaejoong was overcome with happiness. He was almost sure that Junsu was returned to him because of his love for the man. The day that Junsu woke up, Jaejoong was beside his bed. When Junsu opened his eyes, Jaejoong felt the immeasurable relief and love wash over him. But these feelings quickly dissolved when Junsu said the name of the man that he knew Junsu hadn’t gotten over with.

 

Yoochun.

 

The man who left Junsu for another. The man who hurt Junsu so much that he almost threw away his life for. The man whose life ended because of an accident five years ago. Junsu had never forgiven himself for that. The guilt had always remained inside him. And it was this guilt that kept the other man’s memory so alive in Junsu.

 

Jaejoong knew it was unreasonable to be jealous of a dead man, but he couldn’t help it. He knew this fact—Junsu loved Yoochun so much in the past that Jaejoong, his present, faded against it.

 

Yunho shifted his hold on Jaejoong and the embrace loosened slowly. Jaejoong felt his eyes had dried of their tears for some time now, but he just couldn’t let Yunho go. The last few days had been agony to him. When Junsu called him Yoochun, he felt as if his heart was breaking little by little. He knew Junsu couldn’t help it, but his heart was screaming at the unfairness of it. He wasn’t sure if he could still take the pain.

 

“Are you feeling much better?” Yunho asked, his hand brushing Jaejoong's hair away from his face tenderly.

 

Jaejoong nodded. Yunho was looking at him with emotions that he knew were dangerous to inspect now. Jaejoong knew that in time, Yunho would demand to let his feelings known and he was sure at that time, he would still be confused.

 

Jaejoong kept quiet. He didn’t trust himself to speak. If he did, he was afraid that he might just call Yunho by another man’s name. He sighed and let Yunho pull him up and lead him to a row of seats.

 

“I’ll get some coffee, do you like one?” Yunho asked him softly once Jaejoong settled in a chair.

 

“No, I’m okay.” Jaejoong answered in equal measure. Yunho gave him a small smile before he left. Jaejoong miserably looked at his retreating back and felt the creeping solitude inside his heart.

 

He was alone. He knew Junsu was lost to him now. He knew he should give himself a chance with Yunho but his heart couldn’t seem to accept it.  Not when he knew he still loved Junsu. Jaejoong knew he would never forget Junsu. He could be with Yunho but it would still be Junsu in his heart.

 

He turned his head towards the window to his left. He forgot that it was night. From the window, a sliver of the moon’s light came in washing the room with soft gentle light. It was like seeing a dream unfold before him. The light from the moon transformed the dimly lit room. The haunting shadows faded but Jaejoong knew they would return once the moon disappeared. And how the light of the moon would fade. Its light wasn’t its own in the first place. It just borrowed light from the sun. just like him. He borrowed Junsu's love from Yoochun. He shone at a time but he knew his light would not be his. It wasn’t even his in the first place.

 

Suddenly, the absurdity of it all flowed through Jaejoong and he laughed. He laughed until his eyes were streaming hot tears again. He was still laughing-crying when Yunho got back. When he asked Jaejoong what was funny, he said nothing but he continued laughing until they turned into bitter tears.

 

THE END