We are laying in bed, looking at the ceiling.

"What are you thinking about?" I want to ask but nothing escapes from my mouth…

" Instead of exchanging conversation, we exchange yawns
Instead of exchanging those passionate looks, we exchange sighs"

On the same bed, under the same sheets. We used to stay like this for hours, our bodies connected, feeling the warmth of each other. Now, we feel uncomfortable and we want to get out. We would exchange smiles whenever our eyes met and now it's like we don't smile at each other anymore..

We are both distant, like our bodies are here but our minds are elsewhere. Just like our hearts. Our feelings faded away just like our love. There is no "we" anymore. There's just "me" and "you", two people that once loved and, now, they can't let go.

"The girl who can’t say good bye
The boy that can’t leave
The two of us are no longer in love…"

Are we really no longer in love? Is this how our story will end? But I feel like I still love you… Or am I just thinking about the past? Because there is nothing between us anymore, just distance, memories lost in time. And i want to live those memories but i know i can't. And you can't either. Those memories will forever stay like that, something i will remember, something that i once lived and can't anymore. I can't forget what we shared, what we felt and, thank god, because i don't want to. You can never really forget something, you may just don't remember it. And i can't remember the last we were really happy together... When we exchanged love and not only words...

----------------------------

I get up from bed, drink some coffee and look outside.

"When we were in love, any place seemed like a hideaway
But now, it feels more and more like a prison"

"I need to go outside, to take some fresh air" the air is so heavy inside…  "Will you be ok?" See, I still think about you. I don't want you to be alone because you don't like it.. Wait, no, I'm wrong… Once again, this isn't love. Habits. Only habits and memorized things remained. Just because i care about you, doesn't mean i still love you.. right? I don't know anymore.. What am i feeling? What are you feeling? Answer me!

Answer me

Please..

Why can't i no longer talk to you like i used too? I told you everything and you did the same. We were not just lovers, we were bestfriends. And now we look like strangers, help up in this cage called uneasiness. We are not free because we feel this need to stay by each other's side. But that should not be a need, it should be a bless, it should be a bless to be together but no, not anymore... Now it feels like an obligation.

I guess we tried too hard… 

"Yes, I keep dating you because I can't spit out the phlegm-like words of breaking up that are caught in my throat."

"Let’s split up now — I just can’t say those words."

It's so hard... We loved each other so much so what happened? I don't even know if I can say that we are still dating. None of us ever said "let's break up" but it feels like we have… and maybe we should…

No, no... i can't... i just.. can't. I feel so useless around you. I can see you're sad, even when you try to smile, it's just a defence you put to not break down. At least not in front of me. I know how you really feel, i just can't get myself to comfort you.

Why can't you say it? Those words. Why? It's hard right? But we can't stay like this forever…The more time we stay "together", the harder it will be to let go. But just about thinking about it, my heart aches. I have mixed feelings as always, half of me is white and the other half is black. Half of me knows and the other half doesn't. But one thing i know for sure is that we both deserve to be happy and that's not happening.

I believe in love after love, I believe in happiness after sadness, but I don't believe in this anymore. What is "this"? This isn't even a relationship… Are we even committed to each other now?

This needs to end. You and I both deserve to be happy, but not together. Do you understand what I mean? I know you agree with me..

But again, i feel like i would break if this really ended.. 

Will I be able to say it to you? Will the words "let's break up" escape my mouth? And if they do, what will you say? I want to know… I want to know so i can prepare myself for what is to come. I'm so scared that i feel like a coward...

I hate to see you sad, I really hate to see you suffering because I don't want to suffer too. But I don't want to be selfish. I still care about you, I just... don't love you like before. I can't say i don't love you anymore because i, myself, don't know how i feel.. I'm so confused, all these thoughts running through my mind, night and day, they won't leave me alone! And i really need to be alone right now...

And here i am again, with another fanfic when i didn't even finished my other two omfg...

Oh well, i just really needed to post and write this!

I used the lyrics of "Going down" by Choiza and "Girl who can't break up, boy who can't leave" by leessang so credits to them!! And i was inspired by many quotes i read online and in books too eheh.

Hope you like it!!