1. Buy something special together. 

 

 

I’ve known Taehyung for a lifetime. He’s been my bestfriend from the day we both knew what "friendship" means. Taehyung means a lot for him. For J-hope, Taehyung is everything, everything he can think of. 

 

 "Hyung are we not stupid for looking at these extremely expensive Polaroid Cameras? That girl over there is sending us weird and creepy looks." I just ignorned Tae’s rants. He’s always like that. I fish out a blue Polaroid Cam out of a shelf and brought it to the saleslady. 

 

 "Hyung you’re buying that?! That’s expensive like hell yeah expensive and-" 

 

 "Shut up Tae, I’m buying this for us." He gave me a what-the-crap-are-you-talking-about look. 

 

 "Number one. Remember." 

 

 "Yes but a Pola is-" 

 

 "This Polaroid is for us to capture our la-" last moments "-laughing moments together so shut up and give me those polaroid films." 

 

 

 After I bought the Polaroid I took the chance to grab our first photo of it. We’re in my room eating bags of chips and watching lame cartoons on tv. 

 

 "Hey Tae, come here." 

 

 "What is it now?" 

 

 "Look at the camera, 1, 2, 3 smile!" 

 

 He did and our first photo came out. I immediately took a pen and wrote something on it. Tae just shrugged and proceed on eating chips. 

 

 I posted our picture on my wall. Hoping those pics will preserve my happiness with him. 

 

 

 2. Go to a carnival together with him. 

 

 A week goes by and we managed to put 7 polaroids on my wall, pictures of us happy, us together. Me and Tae. Me and my happiness. 

 

 "Ho hyung! Hurry up! We have to catch the bus!" I sat up from my bed. Took another glance at our pictures on my wall and smiled on my way to Taehyung who’s banging my door. 

 

 "Ahhh! I really want to go to the carnival with you hyung! You’re mother don’t allow you. I wonder why.. but the important thing is  we’ll be together! We have to ride the roller coaster. Then the flying boat then the.." 

 

  I don’t know if I can endure the pain it’ll bring Taehyung. My body is weak. But of course I won’t tell him that. He suggested this one. I know he always looked forward making me happy. He doesn’t know I’m fragile because of my disease. I told my mother not to tell him. I don’t want him sad. He’s Taehyung, my hyperactive bestfriend and bringing up my disease at him will lose the Taehyung I know. 

 

 "Hey Hoseok Jung!!! Are you listening to me?" He nudged me. 

 

  I refrain myself from looking at the window of the bus. "Yeah why?" 

 

 He raised a brow at me. "What are you thinking?" 

 

 "Nothing. I’m just nervous and excited Tae. It’s my first time there." 

 

 He held my hand. "I’ll take care of you hyung. I promise that." 

 

  I nodded. The bus was still running and our hands are still intertwined with each other. I took the camera and took a shot of it. The picture came out fine. I tucked it to my bag and looked at Taehyung, whose looking at our hands with a hint of red in his cheeks. 

 

  Please let us stay longer together. I silently prayed. 

 

 

 After a ride with the flying boat I felt everything is spinning. This is why I don’t go to carnivals. A simple twirl can make me vomit. I used to dance few years ago but now my body can’t take it. I must be so weak. I don’t know. I won’t let Taehyung know. 

 

 "Yah Hyung! Let’s go to the rollercoaster!" 

 

  I let Taehyung drag me to the rollercoaster. I prayed I won’t pass out this time. Luckily I didn’t but the dizziness inside my head messing with my thoughts. Taehyung decided we must rest first. 

 

 "Are you okay? I’ll buy some water. What do you like to eat?" 

 

 "No Tae, I’m fine." 

 

 "No Hoseok I’ll buy just wait here." 

 

  I didn’t argue him this time. My head aches big time and my blood seems to be rushing very fast. My body is tired but I should stay strong. Taehyung came back with a hotdog in one hand and a bottle of water on the other. He offered me those and I silently ate it. I got my medicine box when he excused himself to use the bathroom. I drank my medicines and felt a little better so I asked him if he want to ride again. He gave me a worried look but he shrugged and dragged me to our next ride. 

 

 After riding several rides, as usual I’m dizzy but Taehyung is still full of energy. I wonder if I am Taehyung, I won’t be ill like this.

 

 

 We decided to go home but I saw the Ferris wheel. The view was enticing. This time, it is me who dragged Taehyung to the ride. He was smiling. So we got into the ride, the wheel rotates and lifts us up, reaching the skies. I don’t know what to say. It’s my first time here. For a 21 year old guy it is funny to say but it is the truth. It’s my first time being held so high like this. I looked at the view. It was so beautiful. The sunset was beautiful. I want this to be the last thing I see before I go. I pushed my face on the glass window of our booth. To keep my tears away. Taehyung sits quietly beside me. Staring and smiling at me all this time. Probably laughing at me inside his head for being a kid with just a Ferris wheel. 

 

 "Stop laughing at me kid." 

 

 "Uh? I’m not laughing at you." 

 

 "Then you’re smile is?" 

 

 "Hyung I love watching your expressions. How your face molds into a new expression. And maybe.." he got my Polaroid, "let’s capture this moment! Come here hyung!" 

 

  I did. "Smile in the camera! 1, 2, 3!" 

 

 The picture came out. My first and probably my last ride with a Ferris wheel is captured within this photo, with Taehyung, with my happiness. 

 

 "I want to be here before I die Tae." I half-mindedly said to Taehyung. 

 

 "We will go here before we die together hyung." 

 

 I mumbled a soft thank you. He connected his fingers with mine again and I throw myself into a deep daydream of being with Taehyung forever. 

 

 

 After stepping at the door, my body collapsed. I’m not sure why but my mother hurriedly got me up and tucked me to bed. She’s silently crying while taking my clothes off me. I touched her cheek. My throat is dry for unknown reasons so I just mouthed her Don’t cry. I’ll be just fine. And her silent cries turned into a loud sob. I patted her head and she hugged my body. I can’t even move my limbs.

 

this disease. this life. everything. 

 

 "Hoseok I love you." 

 

 I can’t speak. My eyes are shut down. My face is freezed but I managed to pull a smile. 

 

 I love you too. Then sleep takes me away. 

 

 

 

 3. Eat different kinds of foods 

 4. Meet new friends! 

 

 When I woke up, the first thing my hand held is my phone. Of course mother charged it for me. I saw the date. May 10, and I slept for 2 days. I’m not shocked. The last time my body collapsed I slept 5 days straight and when I opened my eyes, my mother and father was beside my bed, eyes swollen from crying. They were worried I’m not able to wake up but I did. 

 

 My phone had 30 missed calls, 20 from Taehyung, 4 from my Doctor, 1 from Jungkookie- my lab partner at school, and the rest from my father who’s in America right now. I smiled, at least someone missed me. I looked at the messages, and was fascinated when I got a hundred and half of it was from Taehyung asking me why I haven’t answered his calls or is something wrong and where am I. I sent him a Hi, I’m okay. Then called my father to say I’m fine and my doctor to ask something. 

 

 "Seriously Hoseok what are you doing with your body? Your mom called me to say you passed out again! You know you’re sick but you still do crazy things!?" 

 

 "Calm down Doctor Oh. I’m sorry. I just want to do some things before I.. uh.. yeah. May I ask something?" 

 

 "Go ahead Hoseok." 

 

 "My deadline is exactly when?" 

 

 "That.. I- uh.. You really want to know? Are you sure?" 

 

 "Yes Doctor, I really want to seize my last days.. So when is it?" 

 

 "June 7. Nearly 3 weeks to go. But.. If you just listen to me to take-" 

 

 "That’s what I want to know Doctor Oh thank you!" I hung up before he can mutter a word again. 

 

 June 7 huh.. 3 weeks. My last three weeks in this world. 

 

 My thoughts were scattered when my phone chimed, a signal that I have a message. 

 

 1 message recieved: Taehyungie ❤

 May 10, 8:10AM 

 

 WHERE THE ARE YOU FOR 2 DAYS?! I’VE BEEN DEAD WORRIED ABOUT YOU AND YOU’LL SEND ME A LAME ’Hi, I’m okay.’?! HYUNG WHERE ARE YOU?! Reply ASAP please. :( 

 

 I nearly laughed my head off after reading his text. He’s obviously mad at me and my heart swells with love because he cares. Taehyung cares about me. 

 

 1 message sent: Taehyungie❤

 

 I’m fine pabo. I just slept and ate for 2 days. I can’t find my charger so my phone is dead. Sorry for making you worried about me. How ’bout let’s go out today? Say after lunch, Namsan Tower. See you okay? :) 

 

 

 My phone chimed again but I didn’t open the text. I took out my Polaroid Cam and the two pictures of me and Taehyung. I looked at my wall. The pictures are carefully taped on the side. I took the picture of our hands together and wrote

 

I wished I can hold your hands forever Taehyung. This fingers who fits exactly with mine. The thing I can hold on to without any questions. My foundation. Your hands, my life.

 

And taped it carefully on my wall. I repeated on the second photo of us inside the Ferris wheel and taped it well on my wall. I smiled and touched the pictures. My memento. My life taped on my wall. Me on my wall. Me and my bestfriend on my wall. Me and Taehyung. 

 

 My mother knocked at my door to tell me breakfast is ready. She probably know I’m awake because of my voice. When I saw her on our kitchen I hugged her. Her eyes is red and swollen. 

 

 "You should stop crying mother. You should save tears, I’m still fine." I kissed her cheek. And she’s tearing up again so I joked, 

 

 "I’m not yet dead mother stop crying for me!" 

 

 I received a smack in the head but oh well, I’ll miss this. 

 

>>

 

 

 He's there when I got to Namsan. He smiled at first but turned into a monster when I managed to get beside him. 

 

 "Don’t sneak up on me like that again hyung. I hate it." 

 

 "Aish this kid! Why can’t you tell you’ve just missed me?" I teased.

 

I earned a flushed Taehyung from that. I took my Polaroid out and took a photo of him. He noticed and he wants to get the photo but I ran. And he chased after me. We ran like crazy for five minutes but my chest became heavy so I stopped and sat on the grass. Taehyung rushed into me and asked me if something is wrong. 

 

 "No, no. It’s just.. I lack exercise. Wait let. me. catch. my. breath. first." I said between rugged breaths. 

 

 Taehyung bought a bottle of water for me. I took a small medicine box from my bag’s pocket and eat the medicine inside. 

 

 Taehyung stared at me. I know he feel something is wrong but I won’t let him notice it so I stood up and held his arms, dragged him near a stall of exotic foods. 

 

 "Hyung! What are we going to do here?!" He asked me, with a disgusted look on his face. 

 

 "To eat you idiot. Hoseok hyung will treat you today! Let’s start with this." I fished out two sticks of fried chics and two sticks of fried fish cakes. I gave him a stick and told him to eat. I ate infront of him so he’ll be encouraged to do so. And he did. He ordered another stick of fish cake and told me to go over another stall of food. 

 

 

 It was a nice afternoon , our stomach is bloated from eating everything we can see on the streets. We’re strolling on the park when I saw Jungkook, my lab partner on the basketball court. 

 

 I called him out and he approached us. 

 

 "Hoseok hyung! I miss you!" Jungkook is coming to embrace me but Taehyung’s hand got between us. 

 

 "Woah, a jealous guy over here." 

 

 "Hugs are prohibited child." Tae is in his monster side again so before anything bad happens I introduce them to one another. 

 

 "Taehyung, this is Joon Jungkook my lab partner, Jungkook, Kim Taehyung my bestfriend. Anyways, who are they?" I pointed to his friends. 

 

 "Oh them, come let me introduce you." 

 

 We met Namjoon, he’s a bit weird but absolutely funny with a bit of leader aura on him.

 

Then Jimin, he’s a muscled cutie. Hisbody is not proportioned with his aegyo face.

 

Then Seokjin, an absolute playboy but I feel he has something for Jungkook by the way he looks.

 

And lastly, Yoongi, my hands are up with him. He is in between a face of a girl and a body of a boy. He looks like a girl but his voice is deep. He’s so white I thought he’s shining. 

 

 Taehyung immediately belonged to the group. They laughed like crazy with each other. Him and Jungkook became a laughing duo. I looked at him, he’s so happy having new friends. He’s Taehyung all right. 

 

 I smiled, atleast now he won’t be lonely if I leave him. He will still have friends who’ll watch his back like I did. Tae looked at me ang motioned me to go beside him. I did and I laughed with the group too. 

 

 This day Bangtan Boys was formed. This day Bangtan will take care of Taehyung after I die. 

 

 

 

 5. Do something I haven’t done before. Something out of my box. 

 

 My wall is now nearly full of pictures of me, Taehyung, and Bangtan. I’m now bed-ridden, my disease is slowly eating my body, my energy. Damn Leukemia. Why am I suffering from this? I closed my eyes. I still remember what Dr. Oh said to me 3 years ago. 

 

 "I’m Sorry Mrs. Jung, but Hoseok have a stage 2 Leukemia. As we all know, Leukemia is still a non-curable disease so all we have to do is  to prevent the cancer cells to spread throughout his body. He’ll go under chemo-" 

 

 "That’s a joke right? Right Doctor? You see my body is completely fine. I don’t feel anything wrong with it-" 

 

 "The symptoms of Leukemia don’t show unless you’re in the critical stage Hoseok! It’s not just you feel fine doesn’t mean you’re alright!" 

 

 I stood up. This is literally non-sense and he’s just making this up to earn money. 

 

 "Hoseok sweetie, your grandpa died of Leukemia before you were born. My great grandma died of the same disease. Why does it have to be you? Why you instead of me? Wh-" My mother start sobbing. My heart stops from the moment I saw her tears.

 

No, my family was always happy. This is the first time I saw my mother cry. I sat down again. Vision starts to blurry and tears starts to drop. This can’t be. How about dancing? How about Taehyung? How about my dreams? 

 

 "Can I still dance?" I asked Doctor Oh. 

 

 "Let me perform some tests to find that out. I think your body will start producing more white blood cells and you’ll feel dizzy more often so we should take precaution. Mrs. Jung, I’ll give you the medicine he needs to drink to make him stronger." 

 

 My mother just looked at me, still crying. I hugged her and whispered Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. She agreed with me, and hugged me even tighter.

 

 

 . I want to get up and see Taehyung. But I can’t my body is like jelly and I can’t even move my feet. But i can lift my arms up to get my phone. I dialed Taehyung’s number. 

 

 After several rings, he picked up. 

 

 

 "Yobeoseyo hyung?" 

 

 "Taehyung-ah!" 

 

 "What?" 

 

 "Have you ever heard me sing?" 

 

 "No." 

 

 It’s true. I dance, but I didn’t let anybody know I can sing too. I’ve been known as Hoseok the Dancer. I didn’t even let Taehyung know that. 

 

 "Do you want me to sing for you?" 

 

 "Of course! We’ve been together for how long but I still haven’t heard you sing." 

 

 "Then I’ll do it. Listen okay?" 

 

 "Uhh-hmm." 

 

            (Listen to Changmin's Because I Love You)

                      (This is the English Translation)

 

 

 I let my tears fall from my eyes. I wiped them and cleared my throat. 

 

 "Hyung, is there something you want to say to me? We promised not to lie to each other right?" I smiled a little. 

 

 "Of course. It’s.. uhm Taehyung-ah?" 

 

 "Nae Hyung?" 

 

 "I love you." 

 

 "I love you too." 

 

 "No, I love you not just as my best friend.. I.. love you." 

 

 "My feelings are the same hyung. You’re so dense. I love you too. At first I thought it’s just a brotherly love, but when I saw you dance, my heart beats like crazy. Like my heart is a drum and you’re dancing with its beat. Then there comes many girls, I tried loving a girl once- but she knew I’m not into her and broke up with me. I tried to hook with another girl but I can’t. I can only see your face. Your dance. Your moves. You, Jung Hoseok. You." I heard a sniff from the other line which means he’s crying too. 

 

 "Pabo, it was always been you. I want to protect you. I want to watch your back. I want you to be happy because I love you.You’re so idiot Kim Taehyung. You’re so idiot. Pabo. Pabo. Pabo" I kept on repeating pabo until I burst into a sob. 

 

 Why now?! Why now when I’m two weeks away from my death. Why this things keeps on happening to me. I should be happy but  I can’t. I hung up. Turned off my phone and cried until I passed out. 

 

 

 6. Write my final letter to the the people I love (I wrote this after Taehyung left.) 

 

 When I opened my eyes, all I can see is white. A white ceiling, white wall, white door, my dress is white, everything is in monochrome. I’m in a hospital I guess. I opened my mouth to say something but nothing came from it. I tried again but I failed. I moved my head to the right and saw another head on my bed. I tried to lift my fingers and touch his hair. He woke up and looked at me. He smiled. 

 

 "You’re awake hyung! Wait I’ll call a nurse to che-" 

 

 I stopped him from going away. I gestured no with my head and he sat down again. Looking at me. His tears are flowing. I opened my mouth but nothing came out. Again. I gestured a pen and paper so I can write. 

 

 Don’t cry. I wrote. 

 

 "I’m not crying hyung." He wiped his tears immediately. 

 

 Pabo. 

 

 "I know. I am." 

 

 Where is my mother? 

 

 "She got home to get some rest. She’s calling your father too." 

 

 Oh. How long I have been asleep? 

 

 "A week hyung. One whole week." 

 

 So.. you know my disease right? 

 

 "Yes. Why didn’t you tell me earlier so I can protect you?! We promised hyung.. never to lie at each other.. but you lied.. you.." He starts sobbing. 

 

 I rolled my eyeballs, everybody is crying. I know this is sad but everyone will cry even though I’m still breathing. I. Am. Still  Breathing. 

 

 Don’t cry. I’m fine. Sorry for keeping this. I just don’t want to hurt you. You’re my happiness and I just want you to stay happy for me. The Taehyung I know is alive, and the Taehyung I see now is an alien. Bring back my Pabo Taehyung. :) 

 

 After reading my message he smiled, stood up and called a nurse. Dr. Oh visited me and asked me if I’m hungry. I am hungry so they fed me my favorite foods. I wonder why but my mind tells me because I’m close to dying and they’re giving me all the luxury I can afford. I looked at Taehyung whose looking at me too. He smiled so I can’t help but to return that smile before sleep takes me  away again. 

 

>>

 

 

 My mother was back when I opened my eyes again. I searched for Taehyung only to see him sleeping on a sofa beside my bed. I looked at my mother and she gave me a board and an erasable pen. 

 

 "Write whatever you want to say dear." 

 

 I wrote Thank you. And she smiled. 

 

 I wrote again, Mother did you brought my Polaroid? 

 

 "Yes, I saw it on your room. I thought you want to use it." 

 

 May I have it? 

 

 "Of course, here it is." 

 

 She gave me my Polaroid and I started taking pictures of her and sleeping Taehyung. I waited for the pictures to fully develop through air. 

 

 It’s funny Polaroids can easily develop a film with just seconds. A moment you want to capture forever ready in just a blink away. I wrote at the back of my mother’s photo the things I want to tell her. And when I am finished, I carefully placed the photo under my pillow. I started writing on Taehyung’s photo when he woke up so I immediately hide it from him. 

 

 "Goodmorning!" He greeted me. Delighted to see me awake. 

 

 Good Evening. It should be Good Evening Mr. Pabo.

 

 "Oh.. I thought.. Haha how silly of me. Is Auntie here?" 

 

 I nodded and pointed at the adjacent room. 

 

 "Hmm. Oi is that your Polaroid?" 

 

 I nodded again. 

 

 "Let’s take a picture together." 

 

 We did. And this time, he kept the picture. I felt sleep is inviting me again so I wrote: 

 

 Can you help me stay awake tomorrow? 

 

 Because today is June 5. 2 days to go. 

 

 "Yes hyung. I will. Are you sleeping now?" 

 

 Yes. Goodbye Taehyung. 

 

 He frowned at me. "It should be goodnight stupid. Not goodbye. Because I’ll still see you tomorrow. Goodnight hyung. Sweetdreams." He kissed my forehead. 

 

 Goodnight.. Pabo. I love you. 

 

 

 7. Let him see the magic of my Polaroids. 

 

 Everyone I knew was in my room when I opened my eyes. There’s Bangtan happily chatting in one corner. My father who came from the states is beside my mother. I’m glad I saw him. But Taehyung is nowhere to be found. Suga looked at me and told everybody that I am awake. 

 

 My father was the first one to approach me. He touched my hand. He’s crying. 

 

 I wrote on my board weakly: Please don’t. I’m tired of people crying over me. I’m still here father. Don’t cry. 

 

 "I understand. Hoseok-ah. I missed you." I nod in response. "Hoseok, do you want to hear a story?" 

 

 Yes. I mouthed. 

 

 "You were just 10 months old when you first say the word Papa. It was your first word and your mother was so jealous with me. She told me, It should be Mama! I always take care of him! So I laughed until I cried." He wiped his tears. 

 

 "Then when you were 3 years old when you tripped over a stone and got your first injury. You cried and cried. Your mother was trying very hard to stop you from crying but you can’t. So I helped her. I carried you and told you, A real boy should never cry over a boo-boo. Then viola, you stopped crying and started running again. I realized then that you’re strong. You’re the strongest boy I ever knew. When I first got  to work on New York you didn’t show any sadness, because I told you, A real man should never cry over a boo-boo. But here you are. And this is not even a boo-boo but still you haven’t cried or given up. This is not even right. I didn’t imagine you here, bed-ridden, can’t even walk or talk! You’re always active Hoseok. You-" My mother patted my father’s back who started to sob real hard again. 

 

 I looked at Bangtan. They’re crying too. This is it. My last day. My very last day in this world. So I pointed at my polaroid. I want to catch this moment forever, for them. 

 

 We took a lot of photos. Most of them me with my parents. I manage to whisper I love you to my mother and father and they cocooned me into an embrace. I cried too. Though I promise I won’t. It’s 9 pm and Bangtan decided to stay. I wondered whyTaehyung is not here. Sleep is here again. It’s here not to drift me away for a while.. but forever. 

 

 I was fighting it when Taehyung came rushing. He excused me and my parents helped him to put me in a wheelchair. I hold on to my jacket that my mother made me wear and looked at a Taehyung that’s looking anywhere but me. 

 

We rode a bus, and I think we’re heading to the carnival. I wonder why Taehyung want me to go to the carnival until I saw the ferris wheel. 

 

 Oh, my last wish. Being here before I die. 

 

 We rode it. I leaned my head to Taehyung’s shoulders. He embraced me. 

 

 "Jung Hoseok, I love you. I never had the chance to say this but, I love you very much." 

 

 I nod. He knows I love him so much even though I can’t say it. He looked at me, and suddenly the wheel stopped. He pointed outside and I saw a beautiful fireworks display. That made me happy. Taehyung made an effort so that my last day will be very special to me. I manage to whisper to him. 

 

 "Thank you Tae. Thank you for everything." 

 

 He smiled at me, and kissed me on my lips. And this time, I felt sleep is taking me. It’s the right time. I fish out a letter and a polaroid photo out of my jacket and hand it to him. I leaned at him again. He patted my head and whispered

 

"Good night Hyung.." 

 

 Good night Tae. Good night.