I recommend you guys to listen to these songs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yL0p0_5Uy3E and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AwLTh0v_auk before or while reading this crap. They’ll give you the feels and they’re OPM (Original Pinoy Music)! Wooh! Proud Pinoy here! It’s nice to listen to songs that aren’t Kpop once in a while. Ne? Anw, I’m warning you. This is a 4000+ word crap. Read at your own risk.

Girls’ Generation’s Tiffany and 2PM’s Nichkhun go public with their relationship of four months

“4 months? Heh! What’s the point of lying now that they didn’t deny it?”

“Because that’s what SM do best. They manipulate everything.”

 I briefly glanced over my shoulder to acknowledge the presence of my younger sister.

“You’re still reading that article? It’s been weeks.”

She sat on the stool beside me and grabbed the glass of whiskey I was about to drink. I tried to snatch it back but I couldn’t. Damn those lengthy arms of her.

“You’re drinking again? It’s detrimental to your health, unnie.”

“You should stop hanging out with our maknae. You’re starting to sound like her. And it’s annoying! Come on! Give the glass back!”

“And let you drown yourself with this stinky alcohol as I watch you drunkenly proclaim your unrequited love for Tiffany unnie? No way!”

“What are you talking about?”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about! Why are you even wearing sunglasses indoors, ha? ”

An argument with Krystal would be pointless so I decided to keep mum. My mind wandered to a place packed with eye-smiles as I stared at the bottle of whiskey in front of me; then I was startled when my sister swiftly removed my sunglasses.

“What the f!”

“I knew it!”

“Knew what?”

“That you’ve been crying your heart out the whole day as you immerse yourself deeper in whatever melancholic dimension you got inside that pathetic and foolish mind of yours! Did you even get some sleep? Guess not. Look at how puffy your eyes are; they’re like going to bulge out any time.”

“Shut up!”

“Don’t like.”

“Krystal!”

“Unnie!”

“You know what? If you’re just going to annoy me to death then I think you should go. This is none of your business anyway.”

“It is my business, unnie. I’m your not so little sister and I’ll always be here for you even if you keep on pushing me away. You can talk to me anytime you need me, and I’ll be eager to listen. I’ve been waiting for you to open up but you’d rather keep everything to yourself. Sometimes I feel like I’m not good enough as a sister because you hardly ever come to me whenever you’re down and weary; like now. You think I won’t understand because I’m young? Well, you’re wrong unnie.”

I sneaked a peek at Krystal and I was shocked to see her sympathetically looking at me. Her eyes filled with pity while the guilt- of making her feel like that- started to creep in my heart.

“Krystal…. I’m sorry. You are a good sister and I love you. I just don’t want to burden you with my problems because I know that you have yours too.”

“I could have set aside my own if it means I could help you.”

“But that would be selfish.”

“No. It’s about trusting each other.”

“But-“

“No buts.”

Then silence took over. It wasn’t uncomfortable at all but I felt the need to break it.  

“It hurts. Right here.” I put my trembling hand on my left chest and clutched hard on my top to at least show how much I was hurting.

“I know, unnie. You’ve been for the past what? 8? Or 9 years? And all for the same reason. Well, maybe you occasionally cried and got drunk because of those stupid haters’ bashful comments but I know that it was mostly because of her.”

I let out a humorless chuckle as tears unconsciously rolled down on my cheeks.

“I really love her, Krys.”

“And she loves you too.”

Krystal only shrugged when I looked at her like she’s an insane being.

“She loves you because you’re her best friend. Shouldn’t you be contented with that? At least she loves you, right?”

“You actually like seeing me in distress, don’t you? Now I regret saying that you are a good sister.”

“You can’t take that back! And I’m just saying the truth! But seriously, unnie. What if…” Krystal trailed off on her words and solemnly stared at me; making me anxious.

“What if what?”

\

“What if… you actually had your chance on her but you blew it because you were too afraid of rejection? What if she loved you too?”

I looked at her again, confirming my previous assumption: my little sister, whose mind was filled with nothing but pure madness, completely gone insane.

“That’s crazy. She’s head over heels for Nichkhun. They’re so in love with each other. They make a cute couple. They’re just…ideal.”

 “Haven’t you ever tried telling her?”

 “I actually did; once.”

“Only once? And you never tried again? I don’t think you have the right to be hurting unnie when you gave up that easily.”

 “‘Our relationship would always be something more beautiful than any relationships we could ever have with other people. So let’s this stay this way forever, Jessi.’- Tiffany told me that the day I almost confessed. I still don’t know why she said that but I think it was fate’s way of telling me that it’s not meant to be. Since then, I stopped trying. I didn’t what to ruin what we have.”

She might not have anticipated that as she shy away; feeling remorseful for what she just said.

 “I’m sorry. I didn’t know that.”

“It’s okay.”

After a while, Krystal reached out and gently held my hands. Her comforting gesture urged me to look up only to see her softly staring back at me.

 “You should at least tell Tiffany unnie how you feel even if she couldn’t return your feelings. She needs to know. It’ll be unfair for the both of you to be settling in a friendship -or whatever relationship you two have- without even knowing the truth. I assure you that everything will be alright because she’s like one of the most understanding and kindest persons I’ve ever met. So please give it a shot again, unnie.”

Should I?

“….”

“She’s been calling and texting me nonstop; pleading me to tell her your whereabouts. I’ve been playing hide-and-seek with her and the other members too for the past weeks, you know. They’re all worried about you, especially her.”

“…”

 “*Sigh* For once, stop thinking about the consequences. Sometimes, being selfish is better than doing nothing at all. You might get hurt more than you’re hurting now, but at least you could say that you didn’t give up. Nothing’s ever too late, unnie; only missed chances.”

My heart and my mind seemed to be in a battle. My feelings had been a clandestine fad disclosed only to my sister, years ago, within the confines of my old room. Nobody else knew; not even the subject of my affection. But I guessed it’s time. A life lived with the regret of what I haven’t done would be not worth living at all. Sometimes, inaction bites back harder than action. So the battle ended and a decision was made.

My younger sister knocking the sense out of me was indeed belittling but she’s right. Since when did she become this smart and mature? 

“Hey! What time is it?”

“Huh?”

“What time is it?”

“Uhmmm… It’s 8:15. Why?”

“Can you please text Stephanie to come over now?”

Krystal answered me with a curious look then after a second; I was already trapped in her arms while she’s grinning in delight.

“Oh my God! You’re finally telling her?”

I could only nod as she squeezed me so tightly. She let go and immediately fished out her phone; her fingers typing at an amazing speed.

“Okay done! Let’s just wait for her reply then I’ll go. Or should I stay? A JeTi Drama is always a fascinating sight to behold. Hehehe”

Smacking my sister on the head like what I usually do was shortly forgotten so I kissed her on the cheek instead.

“Unnie~ What was that for?”

“Thank you.” Then we stared at each other with a pleased smile lightening up our features. A beep interrupted our short sisterly bond and before I could ask, Krystal was already squealing and wiggling.

“Kyaaa~ Tiffany unnie said she’ll be here in an hour. I’ll take my leave now then, unnie. As much as I want to stay and watch, I don’t intend to indulge myself into your precious JeTi world.”

I laughed at her sarcastic remark before walking her to the door to bid goodbye.

 “No backing out, okay? Things will be fine, unnie.”

“I hope so.”

After embracing me for the last time, she gave me an encouraging smile. When she was gone, the nerve-wrecking upshot of reality finally sank in.

This is it. No time for backing out now. Sigh.

******************

“Jessi!”

Her husky voice instantly elicited a smile from my lips. Before I knew it, I was already enveloped in a bone-breaking hug. Everything around me suddenly seemed superb. The couch felt softer under me while the ticking of the wall clock, which I always deemed irritating, sounded like a sweet melody to my ears. Her scent and touch were indeed magical and intoxicating, as always, and I’d love to just hug her back and never let go. But before I could do so, something from somewhere within me mocked me, ‘What are you doing? Is she that irresistible for you to lose control of yourself all the time? No wonder why your heart’s been throbbing for years now. You really are a masochist, aren’t you?’

Right.

“Tiff, I can’t breathe” She set me free and as soon as she was beside me, she bombarded me with anything that would perhaps cross her mind.

“Why didn’t you tell me you bought a new apartment? And a fabulous one, I must say. Oh! Why weren’t you answering our calls? We’re all worried about you! Manager oppa almost hired a private investigator just to find you. He’s agitated because you missed all the practices knowing that our arena tour is just around the corner. You didn’t forget that, did you? You even ditched the birthday party we prepared for you, which cost us a lot by the way. We waited for you the whole night but you never showed up. Don’t worry! Your gifts are with me, safe and undamaged. And hey! Did you force Krystal not to speak up-“

“Steph.”

“Y-yeah?”

“You’re blabbering”

“Oh! Sorry. I..I…”  She hung her head low, feeling embarrassed. I chuckled at her adorableness but eventually stopped as she spoke again.

 “I missed you…so much….to the point that I blamed myself for your sudden disappearance. The past weeks have been difficult for me. I was lost. I needed you, Jessi. But you weren’t there. ”

The way she said everything convey nothing but hurt and sadness. The quiet that came after was so painful that I opted to just kill myself for being a stupid coward fool who ran away instead of staying by her side, giving all the comfort I could give. I badly wanted to wrap my arms around her and tell her that I’ll never ever leave again, but I couldn’t. How could I ease her pain when I was hurting too?

“I’ve always been there, Tiff. I’ve always looked at you…but you never looked back. You never noticed me.” I might have sounded so fragile but I didn’t care. I’d been waiting for this chance to just let everything out so backing out wasn’t an option- not anymore. Our gazes hadn’t met yet and it was better this way, I thought. Because her eyes would just make my walls crumble and I couldn’t let that happen at the moment.

“…”

“I love you, Steph. I’ve been in love with you the first time I heard you sing. My heart was moved. It was crazy but I knew, right at that instant, that I’d spent every second of my life loving you- no matter what.”

 Finally, Jung Jessica!  Finally!

Waiting for her reaction was utterly agonizing. The tiny distance between us seemed wider as seconds passed.  This situation had been pictured in my mind for so many times and they ended up with pessimistic outcomes all the time. I was tempted to cast a glance at her but the fear of what I might see halted me. The room felt suffocating and my breathing became heavier. The anxiety was somehow eased when she unexpectedly leaned on my right shoulder.

“So you’re really in love with me, huh?”

What?

“.. It’s funny how everyone thinks that I’m dense and clueless. The truth is…I just pretend not to know anything sometimes because it’s better than acting up like you know everything when in fact, you know nothing at all.”

My confusion grew when she quietly chuckled to herself.

“What do you mean?”

“What I mean is you should have known better. You really think I didn’t notice?.”

I thought so.

“The way you look at me which is full of love and at the same time longing- it’s just too painful to look back; the way your touches linger every time- it still gives me an indescribable tingling feeling; the way you care for me so you try to mask the pain by upholding that ‘Hey! I’m the Ice Princess so I don’t give a damn’ façade of yours. I noticed everything, Jessi.”

“You noticed but you never said a thing. Why?”

She chuckled again.

 “I was a damsel in distress who hoped for my prince charming to come and rescue me. Ever since my mother left, I forgot what real happiness means and every night I prayed to at least have a bit of it. Then I met you. You saved me from drowning in my own misery. You gave me more than what I asked for. You made me feel loved and I thought I could be happy again.”

I was tongue-tied. What could I say? Her hand held mine and it stirred me from my reverie. Our fingers intuitively filled the spaces and as always, they fitted perfectly like they were made for each other.

“Our relationship has always been special. No need to say, right? But I needed an assurance. So I waited for you…. to spell it out for me- to tell me you love me. I waited and waited until. I got tired… of hanging around the corner, waiting for you to have the courage that neither of us really had…. of second-guessing. Then one day I woke up and realized how foolish I’ve been. I thought that maybe I was just assuming things; that I misinterpreted everything. Hence, I saved myself from falling deeper into the possibilities of you and me; of ‘us’. I stopped loving you even before I could completely love you. But believe me; I almost loved you, Jessi. Almost….”

My eyes widened and my body quivered. The thought of what could and might have been haunted my entire being. I totally didn’t expect this. For years, I have redeemed myself from any leeway of chances; but in fact, I was off beam. I almost slapped myself, hard; if this was a dream, then I’d rather not wake up.  But this was reality. It’s so real, it hurts; it hit me harder.

“Then I met Nichkhun..”

Stephanie might have sensed my predicament as she stopped talking and lifted her head- our hands still intertwined.

 “Look at me, Jessi. Please.”

Her pleading voice was so delicate that even the cruelest of all the cruel would be touched. I finally looked at her and I was taken aback to see her crying so I instinctively but tenderly wiped her tears.

“Hey. Why are you crying?”

She sniffed and I could feel tears b in my own eyes. Her vulnerability was showing and it irked me to see her like this more so when I was the cause.

“Because I can’t imagine how much you’ve been hurting because of me”

“…”

“I’m really sorry, Jessi!”

“Sssshh… It doesn’t matter if I’m hurting or not. It's my fault anyway. I get what I deserve.”

“But it matters to me. And it was my fault too. I should have been braver for the both us.”

Questions then filled my mind. But there’s one thing I wanted to know.

“If I told you ‘I love you’ way before you met him, would I stand a chance?” I held my breath as I wait for her response. She nodded and smiled wistfully.

I needed to know more. One more truth wouldn’t hurt, right?

“If I told you ‘I love you’ when you already have him, would I still stand the same chance? Would you have broken up with him?” This time, she simply just shook her head- her smile was already replaced by a sad frown- but I clearly got it.

“I love Nichkhun. I can’t imagine myself being in love with someone that’s not him. He came when I gave up my feelings for you. He proved to me that by entrusting my heart to him, I could be the happiest.  He made all the worries and pain go away. And now, I am sure… and I am more than willing to spend my forever with him.”

I had prepared myself for this a thousand times but my heart still ached. The twinge was so intense and it was more painful than I had expected. Her every word was uttered with nothing but genuine happiness and pure affection. I could vaguely feel her love for him. I was there every step of the way and I witnessed their relationship bloomed into something imperfectly perfect yet unbreakable. Who was I- the one who missed her shot- to intervene?

“I’m sorry, Jessica.”

“I understand.” I gave her a forced grin but all I got in return was a wailing.

“Why are you like that? You act like you’re fine when actually you’re not.”

“But I am fine, Steph. Really. I’m broken but I am alive. My love for you keeps my hurting heart beating, you know.”

“…”

“….”

“Jessi, I know that there’s someone out there who deserves that love more than me. I want you to find your happiness…The one that I couldn’t give you anymore...So I’m begging you to please stop loving me.”

 “You’re asking for the impossible, Steph. I’m sorry but I can’t do that. How could I even stop loving you if I see you even when I don’t look at you? And if everything you say or do remind me of my feelings for you? ”

She took a deep breath and clenched her jaw, trying to prevent her tears from falling further.

“I don’t know… I don’t know…”

“And I don’t know either…”

“Ugh! I hate you, Jessi. Now, I truly feel like I’m the bad the guy here. Do you really want me to be burdened forever by my guilt?”

“But you are the bad guy, Steph. You just declared your undying love for your beloved boyfriend a few minutes ago, remember? That really hurts. You’re lucky because I love bad Miyoungie. And please spare yourself from that stupid guilt. You just make me seem more pathetic and pitiful than I already am.”

“Jessi~”

I’ve always loved to . Her whining was one of the cutest things ever so I laughed and she looked at me incredulously. I stopped as I deeply looked into her eyes to express my sincerity in every single word of what I was about to say next.

“Just let me love you, Steph. Don’t mind if I’m hurting or not. I just want to love you as long as I can.”

“Jessi…”

“Steph…”

“*Sigh* You really are something, you know that.”

“I know.”

“…”

“…”

 “Uhm. Aren’t you hungry? I could prepare something for you. Let me check my fridge; though I’m not sure if there’s something in there that you would like. Wait a second.”

I was about to stand when she abruptly grasped my hand; I sat back then.

“I’m not hungry.”

 “You sure?”

“Mmmm…” She was visibly fidgeting on her seat; her gesture telling me that she wanted to say something.

“Are you okay? Want to tell me something?”

“Uhmmmm… Actually, there is.  But I don’t think it’s appropriate though. Aish! Never mind. ”

“Come on. Tell me.” With this woman, a little push would definitely work and it did. After a few minutes of stillness, she finally spoke up. She looked hesitant though; her eyes looking anywhere but me.

“Do…. do you think I made the right decision of revealing my relationship with Nichkhun to the public? I already asked the other girls…but you know how important your opinion is to me. I’m sorry.”

“No need to apologize. I’m actually glad you consulted me about this. I always give ridiculous advices but you still follow them and I don’t know why. ”

“It’s because you’re patient with me. I say nonsensical things but you’re still there, listening. You never get tired of my stupid antics. You really are the ‘bestest’ best friend, Jessi.”

The atmosphere unexpectedly got awkward. Minutes of silence lingered and I didn’t intend to end the night with this. It’d be out of the plan. But wait. Plan? A sudden realization hit me; there was neither any plan nor preparation for this night. No romantic candlelight dinner. No flowers or chocolates. Nothing- only the couch and the furniture present in my living room was the witness of this momentous evening. Things just happened. I talked to Krystal- or more like she enlightened me about this whole confession thing- a moment ago. Then I told my best friend that I’ve been in love with her for years and surprisingly, it turned out that she could have reciprocated my feelings if only I had the courage to confess my love for her sooner. Everything felt surreal, but I knew that this was what it was supposed to be. This was fate putting the pieces into the right places.

“….”

“*Ahem* I shouldn’t have asked that. I was insensitive. I’m sorry, Jessica”

“No. It’s okay. I was just spacing out. Sorry. But well, I think it’s one of the best decisions you have made so far.”

“You think so? Because I think it was a very bad idea actually.”  

“It is not. This isn’t about what you think anymore but what you feel. You said yourself that love is a wonderful thing- something you shouldn’t be ashamed of- so there’s nothing really to worry about, Steph.”

“But the fans…some of them are not as receptive as the others. I even heard some of them planned to make a black ocean for me. That’s just awful.”

“You don’t need them in your life, Hwang Miyoung. Don’t let them affect you that much. Those irrational beings are not true fans anyway. They adore and praise us to the extent that they forget we’re just ordinary human beings too; and not flawless goddesses who would satisfy their egoistic desires or wishes or whatsoever. We owe them who we are and what we have now but that does not give them the right to control and dictate what we should or shouldn’t do, because they don’t own us. They must give us the respect we deserve and support us no matter what. People who truly love us would love the decision we make, right?”

The soft smile on her lips let me know that I said the right things.

“You really know how to make me feel better, Jessi. Thank you. I don’t know what to do without you.”  

Likewise, Steph.

“Promise me you’ll stop worrying about this stuff again?”

“I will. But you also have to promise me one thing.”

Her expectant gaze took away any reservations I had about what she was going say.

“Sure. What is it?”

“…”

“…”

“Promise me you’ll tell me when you’re ready to stop loving me.”

Well, she didn’t ask me to stop loving her. At least I could promise her that; though there was no guarantee of fulfilling that promise. Because I know that loving her was something I was destined to do for the rest of my life. Despite all the many uncertainties in my life, only one thing’s for sure; with Stephanie, everything would definitely be worth it.

 “I promise.”

She beamed at me and just like that, everything became better. With that dazzling smile on her lovely face, my broken heart was mended way before it could fall into pieces and touch the ground. Right then, I knew that I made the right decision.

“Jessi?”

“Hmmm?”

“I love you.”

It might not be the one that I wished to hear, but it was something meant only for me and it’s more than enough.

“I love you too.”

All of a sudden, she engulfed in a warm hug and whispered her reassurance of what we have.

“We may not be meant to be lovers, but we will always be more than friends.”

“Tell me, Steph. How do I unlove you?”

“I don’t know. But for me… I can never unlove you, Jessi. I just love you in a different way now.”

I smiled and this time, I didn’t hold back from embracing her back. This night had been a one of a kind emotional ride, but it only proved one thing; that my heart was made for Stephanie to break over and over again because in the end, she’s the only remedy that I would ever be familiar with.

************** end *************

First of all, I want to say sorry for the delay. I promised to post this on Jessica’s birthday but I failed. So I’m really sorry, guys. Things happened. Anyway, this wasn’t as ‘angsty’ as I intended it to be. Sorry again. I wanted some drama but I didn’t have the heart to do so. Lols! If you noticed, I somehow managed to put in this one-shot my opinion about the hate that Khun and Fany received and are continuously receiving. (….)

If you want to read the rest of my ranting, click this..

http://www.asianfanfics.com/blog/view/849525

Now, back to the story. So how was it? Okay. I kinda regret asking that. Kidding. I actually want feedbacks. They’ll surely inspire me to write better than this. Hahaha. Thank you for reading this crap. I appreciate it. :D

 ‘Til next time, fellas! XOXO! :*

P.S. These lines: “Tell me. How do I unlove you?”

                “I don’t know. But for me… I can never unlove you. I just love you in a different way now.”

Were actually adapted from the movie, Starting Over Again. It’s a Filipino film but there are subbed copies out there and it’ll be nice if you check it out. :D

And oh! I’m currently writing a new JeTi one-shot! :D Here’s the link:

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/726637/i-love-dirty-jessica-jeti-tiffany