I love him. I realized that as we grew up together. Like any other girls who are going through the same thing as me, I never had the guts to tell him how I really felt about him.

Never had I once thought that I would actually develop any sort of romantic feelings for him. Never. But, luck seems to be not on my side. Like any cliché stories out there, our parents happens to be best friends when they were in college, thus, it would be perfectly normal for us to be best friends, considering the fact that we knew each other since we were in diapers.

We went through everything together, pre-school, puberty, and throughout college. We’ve seen each other (when we were kids), heck, let’s just say that we seen each other at our worst.

My little crush grew when we first entered junior high together, after he hit puberty, he became immensely popular, while I, the late bloomer that I was, was still looking awkward and nobody really wanted anything to do with me unless they wanted to get close to him. Blame it on puberty or mixed up emotions, but that was the time when I started to noticed subtle things about him that I’ve never noticed before. Be it the way he walks, eats or how he touches the back of his neck when he’s nervous. I caught myself staring at him more than I could count. Sometimes, he catches me staring at him.

“ Am I that attractive? “ He smirks.

I blushed.

 “ What? No way! You’re delusional.”

Then the both of us would laugh it off.

Every Sunday night, our families will get together to have dinner and to catch up with our lifes. We would always sneak out to the park nearby our house to sit on the swing and talk for hours. It was like our little routine, it was the only thing that no one could take away from us.

Well, it was until high school rolled around. That was when it happened. We drifted apart, it was so subtle, no one noticed, except me. That was when Kim Jin Hee transferred to our school. It was then, our friendship drifted apart. Kim Jin hee was envied by many, she was simply beautiful. She was smart, athletic, kind hearted, and etc etc. She was what boys would call, the perfect girlfriend.

He was no exception. Just like any other guys out there, he too, had fallen for her. No one could blame him, who wouldn’t fall for her.

It was Christmas eve, and our families were having dinner together, but the only thing that was missing during this year’s Christmas dinner was him. He didn’t tell me why he couldn’t make it, thus making me worry sick about him. Dessert was almost served when I received a message.

To: Hana

Meet me at our usual place in 15 minutes! I’ve got great news!

I excused myself from the dinner and run as fast as I could to the park, even though I’ve seen him 8 hours before, it didn’t mean that I didn’t miss him. I guess that is what love does to you. He was sitting on the swing when I arrived.

He was smiling to himself and that really spark the curiosity within me. What could possibly make him so happy?

“ Hana!” He hugged me tightly when I stood in front of him.

I blushed due to the skinship. Although we hugged many times before, it never seize to make me blush.

“ Woah! Easy there, why are you so happy? “

I pushed him away slightly to be able to get a good look at him. Even under the moon light, he still looks so handsome.

“ Remember Jin Hee? From your Chemistry class?” he beamed excitedly.

“ Yea, and why is that? “ Deep down, I have a bad feeling but I chose to ignore it.

“ I asked her to be my girlfriend today, and guess what? She said YESSSSS! “ he shook my shoulder and then he hugged me again.

And that, is when everything fell apart, on my side that is.

My heart was aching, yet, I hugged him back and ask him how did the confession go. I really wanted to cry, I did. But I couldn’t, not in front of him. I can’t let him know. I can’t even count how many times, tears had brimmed my eyes and I have to pretend to look up at the night sky to blink back the tears. That year, was the year that I’ve experience my first heartache. That was also the year when he started to spend less time with me and more time with her. That was the time where he didn’t even show up to most of our family dinner on Sunday night. That year, that I lost my best friend to another person.

It carried on for 6 years. 6 agonizing years filled with nothing but sadness and tears. I’ve accompanied him to shop for presents for Jin Hee. I help book restaurants for their anniversary dinner just because he told me he was too busy and he was afraid that she wouldn’t be happy if he missed their anniversary. Every time I did that for them, a little part of me died inside.

October 10^th. I will remember this date for the rest of my life. That was the day where he told me that he and Jin Hee was getting married. I literally felt that time had stopped. Because, that was the time where my world fell apart.

Confetti was being thrown as the bride and groom walked to the car after the wedding ceremony had ended. Cheers from friends and family were heard as they congratulated the newlyweds. I stood at steps of the church and watch them get into the car, that was when he searched the crowd for me and when he spotted me, he gave me a thumbs up and waved happily before he got inside the car.

A lone tear escaped my eyes as they drove off.

The next day, I packed my bags and hugged my parents goodbye as I head to the airport. I never told anybody (besides my parents), not even him that I was moving Japan. I’ve actually handed in my resignation letter the day that he told me he and Jin hee was getting married, and I’ve found a job in Japan. I know the decision that I’ve made was stupid, but I just needed to get away from here, from him specifically.

Sitting inside the plane while staring outside the window, memories of me and him since we were kids came to me like a tidal waves. Before I knew it, I was biting my lips from preventing sobs from being heard. I felt immense heartache, but what could I do? I’ve decided that once I reached Japan, he would no longer exist to me. I will try my best to forget about him and everything that we once had as best friends, I’ll leave everything behind, including my feelings for him. He’s a married man now. And although it hurts to, I wish him the best of luck with his marriage and hope that he will treat Jin Hee well.

As the plane was about to take off, I peered outside the window one last time and whispered for the final time.

“ I love you, Oh Sehun ”.